Jerry was seated on his couch scribbling stand-up material in his notebook when there was a knock on the door.
"For the last time, Kramer, you can't have any of the crab dip in my fridge!" he called.
"No, Jerry, it's George!" George cried. "Let me in, I've gotta show you something!"
Jerry lifted himself off the couch and walked towards the door. George quickly shoved himself through the half-open doorway, knocking Jerry to the ground. He stumbled towards the table and set a heavy book down while Jorby got up from the floor.
"I've been looking for this thing for so long, Jerry, so long! I've scoured every corner of New York City looking for-"
"A book?" Jerry said, looking over George's shoulder.
"Not just any book, Jerry- the Necronomicon!" George's hands shook as he caressed the book's cover. "Isn't it just...just beautiful?"
"The Necronomicon? Isn't that the nerd convention that happens in San Diego every summer?" Jerry quipped, addressing an invisible audience. No one laughed.
"Very funny, Jerry, but this is no laughing matter! The Necronomicon is a forbidden tome containing all kinds'a magical incantations! I can finally obtain what I've been searching for years!"
"The cure to male pattern baldness?" Jerry said.
"No, Jerry…" George's voice grew more sinister. "The cure to mortality...I'm going to become a god among men…"
Jerry flipped through the Necronomicon's ancient pages. "Well good luck with that, cause it looks like all this stuff is in Latin. Are you familiar with dead languages?"
"English is sorta descended from Latin, right? I figured it was basically the same thing, y'know…"
"Ah. How about you try this one right here?" Jerry pointed to an incantation. It was coupled with an illustration of an expanding penis.
George shrugged. "Alright, here goes nothing…."
Da mihi magna tamen gallinaceum prosecari decies centena millia faciet liberos!
"Damn it! I knew this was too good to be true!" George yelled, slamming his fist onto the table. "Can you believe it Jerry? The audacity! The priest who sold this to me guaranteed that I w-"
"Jesus, George! Look at yourself!" cried Jerry in disbelief. He grabbed a hand mirror from the table and showed it to George, who had suddenly grown a full head of hair.
"Holy smokes - it worked!" said George. "C'mon, we've gotta try another one! Let's see…" he thumbed through the Necronomicon. "Oh! Oh! You wanna try this one?". It had a crude drawing of a man holding a cheeseburger.
"Well I've already had lunch, but I'll try it anyway. Here goes nothing!" Jerry laughed, pulling the book towards him.
"Naturale eius debent!
A portal to hell was suddenly spawned in Jerry's apartment, immediately killing him and George. Demons and other inhabitants of Hell poured out in droves while everyone in New York spontaneously burst into flames. As the seventh seal was broken, the slap bass intro to Seinfield echoed through every corner of the Earth as Kramer, revealed to be the second coming of Christ, poured the vials of the wrath of God upon the Earth and its kingdoms.