Madougu Shop Sketch

Madougu Shop Sketch


My Page

A/N: Based on the "Cheese Shop" sketch by the Python team. ^_^

Kurei: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Madougu Emporium!

Kurei: Ah, hello, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Kurei: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herrys' by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all churlish.

O: Churlish, sir?

Kurei: Irascible.

O: Eh?

Kurei: 'Ee Ah wor violent-like!

O: Ah, violent!

Kurei: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'an ancient Hokage device of spirit manipulation will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some psychic devices!

O: Come again?

Kurei: I want to buy a madougu.

O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!

Kurei: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

O: Sorry?

Kurei: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

O: So he can go on playing, can he?

Kurei: Most certainly! Now then, a madougu please, my good man.

O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Kurei: Well, eh, how about a Kotodama.

O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Kotodama, sir.

Kurei: Oh, never mind, how are you on Mugens?

O: I'm afraid we never have those at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.

Kurei: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, I'd like a Sekichuu, if you please.

O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Kurei: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, an Oboro?

O: Sorry, sir.

Kurei: Kodama?

O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Kurei: Ah. A Fuyo Sword?

O: Sorry.

Kurei: Bakuju? An Ensui?

O: No.

Kurei: Any Kaze no Kadamas, per chance.

O: No.

Kurei: Idaten?

O: No.

Kurei: Shirahige?

O: No.

Kurei: Tetsu Gans?

O: No.

Kurei: Yambikos?

O: No.

Kurei: Kuchibashi?

O: (pause) No.

Kurei: Koukai Gyokus?

O: No.

Kurei: Kaigetsus?

O: No.

Kurei: Kougan Anki, in its first form, or as Ryu, Kyoku, Mikazuki, or An? Or even in its mysterious, amazingly cool hidden sixth form? A Shiki Gami which will manipulate paper, or perchance one which will manipulate hair? An Oni? A Kata Kugutsu? A Mikoto robot? Perhaps a Tomoshibi or two?

O: No.

Kurei: Shingan, perhaps?

O: Ah! We have Shingan, yessir.

Kurei: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

O: Yessir. It's..ah,'s a bit ugly...

Kurei: Oh, I like it ugly. It's for an ugly girl I know.

O: Well,.. It's very ugly, actually, sir.

Kurei: No matter. Fetch hither the madougu de la Japonaise Atroce! Mmmwah!

O: I...think it's a bit uglier than you'll like it, sir.

Kurei: I don't care how f*cking ugly it is. Hand it over with all speed.

O: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Kurei: What now?

O: The cat's let it escape out the back door.

Kurei: (pause) Has he?

O: She, sir.


Kurei: Nisebis?

O: No.

Kurei: Morning Stars?

O: No.

Kurei: A Taishaku Kaiten?

O: No.

Kurei: Dokumashins?

O: No.

Kurei: Houkishins?

O: No, sir.

Kurei: *have* some madougu, don't you?

O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a madougu shop, sir. We've got-

Kurei: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

O: Fair enough.

Kurei: Uuuuuh, Hizangu.

O: Yes?

Kurei: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Hizangu, that's my name.


Kurei: Kaze no Toma?

O: Uh, not as such.

Kurei: Uuh, Fukyo Waons?

O: no

Kurei: Magagumo?

O: no

Kurei: Eikai Gyokus?

O: no.

Kurei: Gedokugans?

O: no

Kurei: Hyoma Ens?

O: no

Kurei: Kuchibashi Ohs?

O: no

Kurei: Tendou Jigoku?

O: Not -today-, sir, no.


Kurei: Aah, how about Fuujin?

O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Kurei: Not much ca--It's the single most popular madougu in the world!

O: Not 'round here, sir.

Kurei: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular madougu 'round hyah?

O: Houmashin, sir.

Kurei: IS it.

O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.

Kurei: Is it.

O: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Kurei: I see. Uuh...Houmashin, eh?

O: Right, sir.

Kurei: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Kurei: It's not much of a madougu shop, is it?

O: Finest in the district!

Kurei: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

O: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Kurei: It's certainly uncontaminated by madougu....

O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Oni's Tsume, sir.

Kurei: Would it be worth it?

O: Could be....


O: Told you sir...

Kurei: (slowly) Have you got any Oni's Tsume?

O: No.

Kurei: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:

O: Yessir?

Kurei: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any madougu here at all.

O: Yes,sir.

Kurei: Really?


O: No. Not really, sir.

Kurei: You haven't.

O: Nosir. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.

Kurei: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to fry you.

O: Right-o, sir.

(Kurei summons Kurenai and the shopkeeper is no more)

Kurei : What a senseless waste of human life.