A/N: Based on the "Cheese Shop" sketch by the Python team. ^_^
Kurei: Good Morning.
Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Madougu Emporium!
Kurei: Ah, hello, my good man.
Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?
Kurei: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through 'Rogue Herrys' by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all churlish.
O: Churlish, sir?
Kurei: 'Ee Ah wor violent-like!
O: Ah, violent!
Kurei: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, 'an ancient Hokage device of spirit manipulation will do the trick', so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some psychic devices!
O: Come again?
Kurei: I want to buy a madougu.
O: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!
Kurei: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!
Kurei: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!
O: So he can go on playing, can he?
Kurei: Most certainly! Now then, a madougu please, my good man.
O: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?
Kurei: Well, eh, how about a Kotodama.
O: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of Kotodama, sir.
Kurei: Oh, never mind, how are you on Mugens?
O: I'm afraid we never have those at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.
Kurei: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, I'd like a Sekichuu, if you please.
O: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.
Kurei: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, an Oboro?
O: Sorry, sir.
O: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.
Kurei: Ah. A Fuyo Sword?
Kurei: Bakuju? An Ensui?
Kurei: Any Kaze no Kadamas, per chance.
Kurei: Tetsu Gans?
O: (pause) No.
Kurei: Koukai Gyokus?
Kurei: Kougan Anki, in its first form, or as Ryu, Kyoku, Mikazuki, or An? Or even in its mysterious, amazingly cool hidden sixth form? A Shiki Gami which will manipulate paper, or perchance one which will manipulate hair? An Oni? A Kata Kugutsu? A Mikoto robot? Perhaps a Tomoshibi or two?
Kurei: Shingan, perhaps?
O: Ah! We have Shingan, yessir.
Kurei: (suprised) You do! Excellent.
O: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit ugly...
Kurei: Oh, I like it ugly. It's for an ugly girl I know.
O: Well,.. It's very ugly, actually, sir.
Kurei: No matter. Fetch hither the madougu de la Japonaise Atroce! Mmmwah!
O: I...think it's a bit uglier than you'll like it, sir.
Kurei: I don't care how f*cking ugly it is. Hand it over with all speed.
O: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)
Kurei: What now?
O: The cat's let it escape out the back door.
Kurei: (pause) Has he?
O: She, sir.
Kurei: Morning Stars?
Kurei: A Taishaku Kaiten?
O: No, sir.
Kurei: You...do *have* some madougu, don't you?
O: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a madougu shop, sir. We've got-
Kurei: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.
O: Fair enough.
Kurei: Uuuuuh, Hizangu.
Kurei: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!
O: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Hizangu, that's my name.
Kurei: Kaze no Toma?
O: Uh, not as such.
Kurei: Uuh, Fukyo Waons?
Kurei: Eikai Gyokus?
Kurei: Hyoma Ens?
Kurei: Kuchibashi Ohs?
Kurei: Tendou Jigoku?
O: Not -today-, sir, no.
Kurei: Aah, how about Fuujin?
O: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.
Kurei: Not much ca--It's the single most popular madougu in the world!
O: Not 'round here, sir.
Kurei: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular madougu 'round hyah?
O: Houmashin, sir.
Kurei: IS it.
O: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manusquire.
Kurei: Is it.
O: It's our number one best seller, sir!
Kurei: I see. Uuh...Houmashin, eh?
O: Right, sir.
Kurei: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' He asked, expecting the answer 'no'.
O: I'll have a look, sir.. nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.
Kurei: It's not much of a madougu shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
Kurei: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
Kurei: It's certainly uncontaminated by madougu....
O: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Oni's Tsume, sir.
Kurei: Would it be worth it?
O: Could be....
Kurei: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!
O: Told you sir...
Kurei: (slowly) Have you got any Oni's Tsume?
Kurei: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place....... Tell me:
Kurei: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any madougu here at all.
O: No. Not really, sir.
Kurei: You haven't.
O: Nosir. Not a one. I was deliberately wasting your time,sir.
Kurei: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to fry you.
O: Right-o, sir.
(Kurei summons Kurenai and the shopkeeper is no more)
Kurei : What a senseless waste of human life.