Jimon || Shadowhunters || Jimon || Asexual Awakening || Jimon || Shadowhunters || Jimon
Title: Asexual Awakening – Writer's Month
Fandom: Shadowhunters: The Mortal Instruments
Disclaimer: All rights to the Shadowhunters show reserved to Ed Decter, the books the show is based off and its characters belong to Cassandra Clare. This fanfiction on the other hand is entirely mine. No money is made with this, though reviews are more than welcomed.
Warnings: m/m, identity crisis, asexuality, hurt/comfort, pining
Main Pairing: Simon/Jace
Shadowhunters Characters: Jonathan Christopher 'Jace' Herondale, Simon Lewis
Summary: Writer's Month Prompt: feelings
Feelings are confusing, especially when one didn't know their names. Jace is struggling to come to terms with some things about himself. Simon is helping.
Feelings were confusing. Jace had never really been good with those. His father had taught him they were nothing but a distraction, so Jace had tried to swallow them. When he felt confused and different, he ignored it and pushed it down in favor of soldiering on. Romantic feelings were bad. They were just going to destroy him, or he was going to destroy the one he loved.
And Jace had been able to deal with that. Never give himself the chance to grow attached. Just sex, with no feelings. Never visiting a lover twice. Sex was a great way of coping with that. He shouldn't allow himself to be close to others, but sex was a good loop-hole. The intimacy, sharing this with someone, falling asleep with someone else and occasionally even waking up with them. Sex was simple. He got hit on by someone, anyone, and would just smile, pay for the drinks and go home with them in the end. There was nothing confusing like there was with romantic feelings.
Feelings were complicated. Wanting to be with someone above all else, feeling drawn to someone. Jace hated that, it did make him feel weak and confused and helpless.
Family and friends were like that. Feeling dependent on them, trusting them, loving them, making himself vulnerable. It gave the other person the weapons to hurt and even destroy him. He had suffered through that enough already with parental figures, left and right.
No, platonic feelings were already dangerous and confusing enough, he didn't need romance.
And then he had met Simon Lewis and then Isabelle started kind of dating Raphael Santiago and Jace, being Isabelle's closest confidant, heard the term 'asexual' for the first time. It confused him. And Simon Lewis, he had proved to be an expert on all things weird and mundie. Having terms for everything was most definitely a very mundie thing so he figured he'd try his luck. Besides, ever since the whole Kyle debacle, Jace and Simon had grown kind of close. This was something Jace had been keeping to himself and mulling over in his head over and over and over again for weeks now, but he knew no one whom he could talk to about this. Izzy and Alec, yes, but also no. They were too close and and something about all of this felt so dangerously familiar that Jace couldn't risk talking to Isabelle and Alec about it because what if... He couldn't even think it.
"Ja—ace. I honestly thought you were pranking me when you agreed to come over and play Mario Kart, you know?", laughed Simon as he opened his door and stepped aside.
"I'm not here to play some mundie game, Simon", sighed Jace.
"Ah. So it was a prank", muttered Simon, looking oddly dejected.
"I need... your... help", pressed Jace out before collapsing onto Simon's couch.
"Oh", whispered Simon surprised, eyes widening. "Okay. Sure. What demon are we after?"
"No demons", replied Jace and shook his head.
"O—Okay. That sounds... You look serious, Jace. What's up?", asked Simon concerned.
"What does...", started Jace before he shook his head. "It's stupid. Forget it."
"No. Tell me", urged Simon on, voice gentle as he reached out to rest a hand on Jace's knee. "You look seriously troubled. We're... friends now, Jace, right? You can talk to me. I promise whatever it is, I'm not going to tell anyone, if that's what worries you."
"What does it even mean to be asexual?", blurted Jace out all of a sudden.
Simon looked startled at that. "I... What?"
"Sexual... attraction. I just...", started Jace tentatively, catching his lips between his teeth. "Isabelle told me a while back that Raphael is... asexual. And that's just... weird. I mean. How do you not have sex? Why wouldn't you? And I just, this is some stupid mundie nonsense, right? That's not real. It's stupid. Made up nonsense to feel special."
"You... shouldn't talk like that", said Simon softly. "Just because you don't feel that way doesn't mean that other people who do feel that way aren't valid. It's an odd concept, if you just always felt it. But the trick is – and yeah, I admit, I did read up on it in an effort to befriend Raphael, because I didn't really know much about it either, I just... saw the flag around online and stuff. Uhm. So. The trick is to look at sexual attraction and romantic attraction as two separate things. Most just see it as inherently linked. But it's not. Like... Actually, you should understand that pretty easily, what with your gazillion of hook-ups. You're feeling sexually attracted to them even though you... I am guessing... aren't romantically attracted to them – otherwise you would have had like at least one actual relationship in the time I've known you now, right? So, it's like that. Romantic attraction and sexual attraction are two different things and some people... just don't feel one of them. Some may just feel sexual attraction but no romantic attraction – and then they're aromantic. Some people only feel romantic attraction, but no sexual attraction, like Raphael."
"...What does that mean?", asked Jace, a look of utter confusion on his face. "I mean, the... attraction part. What does it mean to be romantically, or sexually, attracted to someone?"
Now, Simon looked a bit lost too. He got more comfortable on the couch, resting one arm on the backrest of the couch and facing Jace thoughtfully. He seemed very focused on picking the right words here, because he really wanted to help Jace out with this.
"Romantic attraction is like... When I was in love with Clary, I just...", started Simon thoughtfully. "Looking at her made me feel warm. I wanted to hold her and just... be with her. I trusted her and always came to her first with everything. I relied on her and seeing her made my heart beat faster. I just wanted to spend all my time with her. I don't know, this is hard to explain."
"...Okay", nodded Jace after a moment. "I get that."
"Good", sighed Simon relieved. "And, uh, sexual attraction... do I even have to explain that to you?" Simon laughed jokingly for a moment before sobering up. "I'm just joking, I'm sorry, I know this is serious. I'm taking it seriously. Sexual attraction is this... primal pull toward someone? Like, when you're at the bar and you see someone and you get turned on?"
"Not helpful", noted Jace dryly.
"Okay?", nodded Simon a bit confused. "It's like... when I see something about someone that just turns me on. Like... oh god don't hold this against me but you are literally here right now so I can't think of anyone else and it's not like it's a secret. Pretty sure everybody who meets you is like... attracted to you. Just, look at you. When you train shirtless, it's like I'd want to lick the sweat off your body because damn those abs of yours and that bronze-skin? Wow. And that cocky grin of yours. Also, your legs in the tight pants are insanely tempting, especially with the thigh-holster. The thigh-holster was absolutely designed to kill me personally. And your butt! Damn. That's... uh... the kind of things you are... attracted to. When you'd, you know, wanna have sex with them."
Jace continued frowning at him. "Okay."
"...Okay? That's it?", asked Simon, even more confused before shaking his head. "So you get it now? That some people just feel romantically attracted to people, wanting to date them but not having the desire to fuck them, while other people just have sexual attraction, not romantic?"
"Sure", shrugged Jace, not looking like he wanted to continue the conversation.
"So... you wanna play some Mario Kart now?", asked Simon to lighten the mood.
Over the following weeks, Jace came to the apartment more frequently and they actually played a lot of video games and Simon managed to get a couple movies in too – he was yet going to convert Jace into a Marvel fan because Captain America had to enjoy Captain America! Simon had a hunch that Jace may have asked all those questions weeks ago because he was aromantic; Simon had seen him hug up with so many people over the past months but never date anyone or be interested in that.
"Woah. That's unexpected", grunted Simon surprised, two months after their conversation.
They had been watching a rom-com because Simon loved rom-coms. When, suddenly, Jace had leaned over and kissed him. Simon was more than eager to kiss back because honestly he had had a crush on Jace ever since he met the gorgeous blonde and it had changed into so much more when they had shared more bonding time recently. Still, it was a bit startling to have Jace come onto him.
"You literally listed what you found attractive on me and basically told me that you wanted to have sex with me two months ago", shrugged Jace with a frown. "I figured you'd be into this. ...Right?"
The kiss had been more than just intense and by the end of it, Simon suddenly had a lap full of hot blonde Shadowhunter. Jace had his arms around Simon's neck and was staring down at him.
"I don't...", started Simon with furrowed brows. "I'm not like you, Jace, I can't do no-strings-attached sex. I... I always end up giving my heart. And we're such good friends. I'm sorry, I'm just a romantic person and I... I do have... romantic... feelings for you. I can't just... I don't know how you'd feel about that, what with you being, uh, aromantic I guess, but-"
"Me being what?", interrupted Jace confused. "I'm not aromantic. I'm... I'm... asexual."
"You? You're... what?", asked Simon, as confused as Jace. "I'm sorry. I just... Huh?"
"Feelings are... complicated and I don't... like dealing with them and I was taught that love destroys you, but... that doesn't mean I don't feel them. I just... suppress them", admitted Jace, his voice very low like he didn't want anyone to hear him. "It's the sexual attraction thing I don't have."
"I am so confused by everything about this situation", admitted Simon. "You're literally in my lap."
"Yeah", chuckled Jace with a soft smile. "Took me... a while... to understand it too. I don't feel this sexual attraction thing you described. I always just hook up with people who are willing to. I don't care what they look like, there's never been anything about them that... pulled me in. I just... like the sex. I like how exhausting it is, I like how it's the... only thing I allow myself to be close to someone, I really like orgasms, I love the... cuddling afterward. I have to admit, I had a... conversation with Raphael too about it. Raphael taught me a thing you didn't. That there's asexuals like him who are repulsed by sex and don't want it at all... and there's... asexuals like me, who may not feel sexual attraction, but don't mind or even enjoy having sex."
"O—Oh. Did super not see that coming", grunted Simon stunned. "So... what is this?"
"This is... me trying to deal with complicated feelings you make me feel", admitted Jace with a glare. "Since you said you're sexually attracted to me, I figured..."
"Oh, you figured you'd at least have sex with me even though you want more!", exclaimed Simon before he pulled Jace into a kiss. "Guess what, you can have both. Or just the romance. Since you're... ace. Also thank you for telling me and trusting me with that."
"You're such a dork", muttered Jace softly, burying his face in Simon's neck. "And I want... more."
~*~ The End ~*~
Author's note: Beeecause I need more ace!Jace in my life and it's been a while since I worked with this headcanon. I just think that, all things canon considered, sex-positive ace!Jace makes a whole lot of sense. He fucks everyone, no discrimination there. But sex is never really used to lead him to a relationship and when he is in one, he is SO soft. Never seen a character where "sex" and "love" felt more disconnected in canon.
Also hah. Fun times trying to describe sexual attraction as an ace myself. :D"""