Disclaimer: NigHtEyeZ does not own Gravitation.
AN: Hi! This is my first ever Gravitation fic. I have only seen the anime and I'm dying to find the manga. Here's a little warning. There are damn hell lots of bad words in this fic. Don't flame until you've read finish it. Okay? ^_^ Well, that's enough. Enjoy!
What do you want from me?
I remembered clearly asking you that question. Do you want hot sex, money or fame? Don't lie, I know you wanted all of those and maybe even more. You are a selfish little bastard, did I mention that? Wanting so much from me when I was tired and confused. I thought I gave it all to you. I thought you would finally leave me alone after I gave you a satisfied fuck. But all you did was come back for more.
Sticking onto me like I was your fucking god or like you worshipped me. Hell, I don't need a little whore like you staying by my side twenty-four hours a day, seven days a week. Even if you don't have a life, I have one myself. One life that promise to go on without the presence of you.
But you just have to ruin it by showing up every night with that shit face of yours, don't you? Begging and pleading like the little whore you are for me to fuck you. And fuck you I did. Not because I wanted to.
Damn it, I have better things to do then fucking a boy, more or less an idiot like you. You messed up the perfect life I was living, I hate you for that, you asshole. Coming to my apartment late at night, burying my already troubled soul with your annoying problems. Staring at me with huge puppy dog eyes until I can't help it but give up on my work to fuck you like crazy.
And do you have to tell the whole world about it? About me, the famous novelist fucking the lead singer of Bad Luck? Getting the attention of the whole world? Just for getting famous? Just to improve the selling of your CD's, which I'm sure, was full of crap? You wanted the fame, don't you? That's why I called you a selfish little bastard. Always using me and pretending that I'm the most important thing you have. Don't you know you made me feel like crap?
I have my toleration with you. Till today, I still can't understand where the fuck did I get all the power of keeping myself sane when you came to my apartment, announcing that you're staying with me for the time being. To tell the truth, I wasn't enthusiastic, in fact I was pissed off. I should have stopped pitying the plain idiocy you had and booted your ass out of my apartment right that moment.
At first it wasn't that bad, giving you sex seemed to stop you from bothering me so much. I must put it clear now, you were never part of my life. My life has nothing to do with you. Don't think so highly of yourself, bitch.
So the problem started when you involve me in your personal affair. It is NOT my fault if your singing sucks or nothing has gone right on a certain day. You looked for me when you were in doubt, seeking some comfort from me, finding hope and warmth, which was something I do not want to give. Something I can't give. How the fuck can I give you something that I don't have in the beginning, you're an idiot without a fucking brain.
And the real big problem started when I get flashbacks of forbidden memories that wasn't pleasant. You just keep smiling and hanging around me when I felt like shit. Finally, when your fucking brain worked, you actually asked me to tell you what's wrong.
Eventually I did tell you, not because I was willing to share but because you fucking annoy me. I knew that you would act like you did not mind the fact that I am a murderer. Stop acting like you're an innocent angel, you're not as great as you think you are. You've looked at me just the same way everyone who knew my secret had.
I don't care. Since you are nothing but a piece of gum stuck underneath my sneakers, I don't give a damn of what you think about me.
A little part of me had actually wished to just drop and die. Save me from all the pain and misery a shitty kid like you were going to give me. I get an idea. A brilliant idea to be precise. If chasing you away doesn't do the trick, I'll leave you. It was so simple and easy that I should have thought of it earlier.
After fulfilling that blasted request of going out on a date with you, I left for New York. Finally, I was freed from the selfish little bastard who almost stripped my life away onto nothingness. I smiled.
I cocked my gun, it was a miserable life and I wanted to end it. But first I wanted a smoke. Taking out my lighter and cigarettes, I halted abruptly. A photo sticker of the two of us sticks ridiculously on my lighter. Somehow, I wanted to see you for the last time.
To think of it now, it was quite silly. How could I wish for something that I had let go of?
But you came. At that moment, you came. You cried. You kissed me. You confessed your love to me. Why did you stayed with me when I had brutally forced you out of my life?
I don't understand you. Were you so eager to have my body, fame and money? Or did you wanted something else? Something more precious and important? Like my life or my soul?
That night, you didn't wait for me. You went back to Japan without me, saying you have a concert to attend. I wondered what was that painful thing crushing my chest? I smirked knowingly. You cared more about your concert then me.
But do I care? I'm not even sure of it myself. I spent the next few days finishing my business. It was shocking to realize that I was also waiting. I was waiting for you to come back to me like you always do. But you didn't.
So in the end, I went back. The day I stood in front of the apartment, my apartment that I gave to you. I've given the key to you, do you remember that? I ranged the doorbell and feel fucking stupid. It was my home for god's sake.
You opened the door and flung your little body at me, hugging me tightly and screaming my name loudly like an over energized puppy. I kicked and pushed you away roughly even though later that night I made eager love to you.
You did not question me, did not blame me for hurting you. You just smiled and allow me to brutally have you over and over again. And once more, I don't understand you.
What do you want from me?
I was still asleep when you went to work the next morning. I woke up feeling surprisingly awful. It was your fault. Why didn't you wake me up like you usually would? You would never miss a chance to take advantage of me when I'm sleeping. Yes, I am aware that you've always touched and kissed me when you think I am sleeping. Don't hide it, you just look stupid.
I tried to work but I couldn't. Nothing was in my mind and it scares me because all I was able to think of is… you. I turned on the television, hoping to take my thoughts off a certain pink-haired boy. And I should have known better it was the dumbest thing to do, as there was a live talk show on air.
You were in it. And the girl sitting beside you gave you a kiss on your cheek, making you blush. You came back that night to find all your stuff thrown outside the apartment. I ignored as you banged on the door, yelling and apologizing for anything that you have possibly done wrong.
Just when I thought the banging was going on all through the night, it stopped. Not knowing why, I held my breath and opened the door.
No little body flung on me, no one hugged me tightly and screamed my name loudly like an over energized puppy. You left, along with your belongings. Is that what you want from me? Did you want me to suffer and feel pained? If you did then you are succeeding it perfectly.
I lived five months without hearing anything from you either from entertainment news. As I said, don't think highly of yourself, you bastard. It was not because of you that I was in depression and came down with a high fever.
It was raining and I could hardly hear the telephone ringing. I picked it up wearily and stoned when I heard your timid voice at the other line. Every time you try to start a conversation, I'll end with a cold sentence. What's wrong with me, you asked. I could have told you everything that has you in it was wrong, but the line was cut off. It annoys me so much that I slammed the receiver back. I was angry and feeling violent.
Half an hour later, I heard frantic knocking on the door. There was a loud 'thud' and you came barging into my life again. You looked around the ruined room. About everything was smashed into pieces or broke. I sat on the floor with my back resting against the cold wall.
My hands were bleeding and I think it has something to do with the bloody fist prints on the wall. You were breathing heavily and were wet from head to toe, don't you know what an umbrella is? You're so stupid. You knelt down in front of me and without hesitation, you took me into your embrace.
The hell, you're wetting my clothes, you idiot. You sobbed on my shoulder, muttering apologies and hugging me as tender as you could. I pushed you away as hard as I could, you stumbled back and fell on your butt.
I shouted mean words at you, putting you to blame at things you were never wrong of. I cursed you, calling you names that send tears brimming in your eyes. I never learn my lesson, do I?
Why didn't you leave me right then? Why did you crawl over to me again? Why did you wrap your arms around my shaking body? I don't understand. I really don't.
What do you want from me?
I lay on my bed with my eyes close as you stayed beside me, wetting and rewetting the towel on my forehead. You gently ruffled my hair, holding my hand to let me know you were there all the time.
I remember, before I drowsed off into a peaceful dream, I've asked you the question. "What do you want from me?" And if I was not wrong, you smiled.
The rain has stopped when I woke up. But the rain that was hovering over my soul was still there when I noticed you were nowhere to be found. The answer suddenly struck in my head. It was obvious so why didn't I see it before?
I have not the slightest idea why I decided to type this down. Maybe because I have a feeling you are never coming back to me. You love me but you won't be able to love me the way you used to.
That's why this is going to stop here. In conclusion we have no future together. Altogether it was stupid. I now understand why you had sex with me, why you kiss me, why you hug me, why were you always there for me. You love me and I think… I think I love you too, you little bastard.
It's over, isn't it? It took too long for me to find the answer. You gave me love devotedly and I receive it without realizing it. It was not sex, fame or money that I exchanged with your love.
What do you want from me?
In the end, you never wanted anything from me.
Yuki Eiri typed the last word down. This will be part of his hidden memories. Tomorrow, he will sell his apartment and leave Japan permanently. It was official, he and Shindou Shuuichi were never meant to be. After all, it was too late. It was too late to show the boy his tears.
AN: So how was it? I know Yuki would NEVER type this kind of stupid crap down. But hey, it's very interesting if he does! If you'd like to see another chapter, (preferably a happier one… or not) please tell me so. If you don't… well, that's it. ^_^
It'll be very, very nice if anyone of you can answer me a few question.Is there any Gravitation manga in Chinese? Can you introduce me to other manga/anime alike to Gravitation? (Yeah, boy/boy love) Is the soundtrack of Gravitation worth buying? What do you think of my fic?
Thanking you beforehand! Ja ne!!