This story deals with depression.
I am basing much of the story on personal experience as I have formerly suffered from clinical depression, I was heavily medicated as well but am VERY happy to say that after years on medication I am finally off it. I am indeed formerly depressed, not anymore. Thank god!
As a result though, I kind of just write what comes to me, and what naturally comes to me is my own experiences. The depiction of Thor in End game is indeed, a pretty good depiction of someone whom suffers from severe depression. I also gained a lot of weight when I was on my lowest, it was awful.
The worst part was this complete lack of self control, you just... start crying all the time and for the silliest dumb reasons, and then you hate yourself for doing it, and beat yourself up mentally. There is no control, no reason, and it feels like there is no point in trying to do anything because you are kind of convinced you are just going to fail anyway, this sense of pure hopelessness.
How-ever, if anyone who reads this can relate, there is just one thing I want to tell.
It feels hopeless, you are unable to control your own reactions and tears but... It's not hopeless, it is super tough, only one person in the entire world can make you better... Yourself. You have to decide it for yourself. It doesn't mean it is going to magically become easy, but... with time, it will be easier. If you keep at it, and walk little by little, work on yourself and do your work. It is possible... Don't give up.
In the beginning… People would often ask Thor if he was all right.
His friends on earth would often visit him, even though he was all the way out in Norway, they would ask if he was all right.
Thor would always dismiss them, say he was all right… claim he was all right. He had no desire to be an even bigger burden than he already was.
Even more pathetic than he already was… even more unworthy.
Thor would always insist, that he was all right.
Thor was not all right.
Deep inside he knew, it was wrong… Everything… was wrong.
Thor could not close his eyes for the briefest of moments before a new horrible image flashed through his mind.
His mother laying on the ground, dagger in her chest, her eyes empty.
His father disappearing, turning to dust and then just left… flew away.
His only brother… held up by the throat, by a titan… And then his limp pale lifeless body falling to the ground… His ones living eyes wide open and glacial.
A sea of corpses… Asgardians, littering the ground.. They had looked towards him… To safe them… To help them… He had failed them.
Countless of people turning to dust, right in front of Thors eyes… he was helpless, powerless to stop it… He reached, he stretched as far as he could, desperately trying to grasp as he screamed in desperation. But it was all out of touch.
The screams of the people, Asgardians and Midgardians alike ringing in his ears, like they were standing right beside him. There was not a moments rest for Thor, he could hear them. They were so loud, and they were everywhere. There wasn't a single moments rest.
As Thor finally drifted to sleep he was there... He saw him! The Titan right in front of him! He had a clean shot! He took aim, he only had one shot! He threw his ax and he hit the mark... Thanos's chest. The ax, implanting itself. Blood dripping down on the ground.
Thanos looked up and spoke those words. "You should have gone for the head."
For a moment, time itself stood still as Thor realized his mistake.. He could have stopped it! He was there! He should have stopped it! Thanos lifted his hand and...
Thor screamed! Screamed as he laid on the floor of the Statesman, trying to reach! Loki, who was hanging in the air, grabbed by the throat! He was right there! Thor should have stopped it! Why hadn't he stopped it!
Thanos's head... rolling across the ground then turn and look at him, with those taunting eyes... I did it. I went for the head. But it changed... Nothing. It was to late!
Thor was to late, to weak, to stupid! To oafies! And he had killed someone... Someone whom couldn't even defend himself... That head... over there... a head.
At night Thor would hear the screams, see the corpses and tears would stain his face and pillow as he would sob pathetically as if he was just a little child.
The ones mighty Thor… people had believed in him, looked up to him to be the golden hero and now?
He didn't blame that people stopped coming, how could he? They were right, they had much more important things to worry about than such an ungrateful friend.
Thor couldn't even stand looking at himself, he was disgusting. He knew he was disgusting.
No one dared saying it but he knew…
He had not shaved for over a year and his beard had become long, tangled and greasy, same with his hair, he couldn't even muster the strength to fix it.
His belly had started to grow, and spill over his trousers in the most disgusting manner.
Thor… He was supposed to be king! He was supposed to lead!
But… Under his leadership only death and destruction had been the result! What was he supposed to do?! What could he do! Everything he touched he destroyed… He wasn't worthy.
Just… Look at that frame, look at that disgusting beard and hair… This… This was the pride of Asgard?!
Loki had been right all along… He was a joke, a sick pathetic joke.
Ones again Thor felt the weakness emerge inside of him, he stumbled towards the fridge and grabbed a bottle of pure whiskey, the only thing capable of dulling his pain these moments. To make the screams drown out! To make the blood look less red!
He knew he shouldn't! He was destroying himself! He should not be drinking this… Then again, if he destroyed himself, the world wouldn't exactly loose that much would it? In fact… It would probably be for the better, no one would have to be dragged down by him anymore..
Like the Avengers had been dragged down by his blundering foolery… Like the Asgardians had only ever encountered death and lose under his leadership… Like Loki who…
Thors eyes squinted as he fell down to the corner, his eyes wet with tears, his beard soaked already and he put the bottle to his lips, not even caring anymore as he drank the strong golden liquid.
He just wanted the pain to go away… He wanted to forget… He wanted out.
Why… why had he been the one to live while everyone else was... The suddenly empty bottle hit the floor.
"Loki." Thor sobbed as he covered his eyes with his hands. "Loki… Help me.. I'm to stupid by myself, to foolish and brutish." he sobbed. "I'm sorry… Everyone.. I'm so sorry." he cried.
He felt the sickness overwhelm him as a foolish wish entered his mind.
If only… If only he could just go back! Go back! To before all of this happened.
Go back, to before Loki fell from the bridge bifrost, so there was still time to talk!
To before the dark elf came, to safe mother.
To before Hela was unleashed and Ragnarok came.. Before Thanos.
Back when everything was perfect!
Back when Asgard stood tall and proud, back when his family was there… Back! I want to go back! Is that so much to ask? Please… It's the only thing I would ever ask… Let me go back!
And with that plea, Thor felt darkness envelope him as his conscious was slipping away, like always he welcomed the darkness, welcomed the numbness, just being allowed to have a bit of peace… Take me away from this reality just… anything but this… please.