The talk!

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the Buffy and Angel people, only Mutant Enemy and Joss Whedon do.

A/N: Me and my friend just though it funny to see Angel and Buffy try and give the talk to Conner and Dawn, please read and review, tell us if you want another story!


The two teenagers hugged, the boy leaning in for a passionate kiss. Each secretly thinking about what would happen if they got caught; the brunette slid her fingers down his chest, making shivers skid over his body. "Conner, take me" she breathed in his ear, not one of them knew what to do but after a few kisses they let their bodies do the walking. Taking her hand in his he slowly pushed her down onto the bed, running his fingers through her perfectly combed hair that was now matted with extreme maturity. Nothing was going to stop this, they were just about to enter adult-hood as it as been said by many of their friends; the door slammed open and there stood a tall young man with dark black hair and piercing brown eyes, next to him was a young woman with blonde hair and greenish eyes that could kill on impact, "Dawn!" she screamed "Conner!" the man went along. Both of them grabbed for the teenagers pulling them apart "What do you think you were doing?" asked Dawn's older sister Buffy "Nothing" recoiled Dawn. "Nothing, Conner what was going on?" Angel, Conner's father and Buffy's ex-boyfriend, choked up harder on Conner's arm. "Nothing happened" replied Conner. "We need to have a talk..." both Buffy and Angel said dragging the teenagers into different rooms.


Angel paced in front of his son, 'how am I suppose to do this' he asked him self. "What is this about?" Conner, his sixteen year old son questioned innocently from the bed in Buffy's room. "Do you do I say this" Angel was talking to himself, Conner sat there letting his father drag on and on "Do you know about the birds and the..."

"Bees?" Buffy asked Dawn watching her little sister closely, "You're a little late on that conversation Buffy. Mom told me all about it" "Still I think we need to have the talk" rolling her eyes Dawn settled down for a long and painful night. "See..." stopping she picked up a stake on the side table "This is a man's...uh...weapon...and you're like the heart" a blank stare was the only thing to meet Buffy's eyes. "Do you..."

"Understand?" Angel put a hand on Conner's shoulder as the boy shook his head 'no'. The 265 year old vampire sat next to his son trying to find the right words to explain "it" to his son, "Okay. You're like a man" "yeah" Conner agreed, "And a woman is like a portal" "A portal?" "Yes, and there are two kinds of portals. One leads to pure happiness, where you lose you soul, get stabbed in the heart and sent to hell, just to come back and find your girlfriend dating a senior named Parker!" Angel's voice raised a little, he watched Conner flinch which showed the vampire that he had to calm down. "And the other?" the boy asked cautiously from his seat, "The other, it leads to Cor'tath. Which is almost like the other..."

"One thing is for sure men use their...uh...weapons to stake a woman's let me show you" Buffy grabbed a heart shaped pillow and started to plunge the stake in and out practically destroying the inside all the while explaining what she was doing. Dawn sat wide eyed, her stomach turning in fear 'Conner and I almost did that' she thought making herself feel sick; tuning out when Buffy was telling her about such positions better left alone. Minutes later Buffy threw the pillow aside "That's how.."

"You do it" the older man finished, "Now do you understand Conner why me and Buffy were so upset?" wide eyed Conner shook his head 'yes' "I think so. So what your telling me is woman are portals which I must jump in and out of, not pulling out of until the perfect time so the woman doesn't get mad?" with a nod of his head he turned to walk out the door "I think my job.."

"Is done" Buffy said leaving Dawn in shock on the bed, she met Angel in the hallway where he had just left Conner in the opposite room. "How'd it go?" Angel put his head down "Pretty well, I don't think they well try that again till ever" smiling Buffy took his hand leading him toward the back bedroom "Think the will come out?" "Not for a while" he replied "Good" separating they went into their rooms and made love to the people they loved.


The next day Dawn awoke with the terrible image of Conner trying to stake her heart, leaping up she headed toward the shower. Conner, with his short brown hair all tousled, came out and they just stared at each other. Mental pictures of what Buffy and Angel told them flashed through their minds, feeling ashamed for just looking both ran back into their rooms locking the door and hiding in the closets. "What happened to those two?" Spike asked from the stairs where he watched the whole scene with Buffy at his side, a smile widened on the slayers face "Me and Angel had the talk with them" turning she left and was proud of what she had done.

"Dawn can I come in?" Spike spoke to the locked door of the scared teenager "Go away, I never want to see another man in my life" she screamed in a panic. Doing a little trick he learned back in the 1800's he got the door unlocked, swinging it open he found the girl hiding in the corner of the room holding her bear. "I said go away" her eyes staying away from his brutish body language "What did Buffy tell you last night?" he sat on the edge of the bed, standing up Dawn grabbed a stake and told him what she had said "She told you what?"

"He told you what?" at the same time Cordelia was talking to Conner about the talk he had with Angel last night. "He said that, oh is he in trouble" "That is how it works right?" the boy's eyes were huge with memorization of last night's events; shaking her head 'no' "This is how it really is..."

"Now do you get it?" Spike said as he lit a cigarette with his brand new lighter "So that's all there is to it, what about what Buffy said?" a small smile danced on his lips "She was pulling your chain Niblet," 'maybe I shouldn't have said that' Spike thought, but Dawn didn't seem to pick up on what it meant in this conversation. "How could..."

"he" Conner's voice squeaked with hatred. Cordelia only shook her head "He played with your head, that's all I can think of" "Thanks Cordelia for that talk, it helped" with a nod of her head she left; seeing Spike come out of Dawn's room she pulled him to the side "Did Buffy have the talk with Dawn?" "The slayer really did a number on the kid, she was even afraid of me, the nerve.." placing a finger over his mouth, giggling she took his hand "Where are you taking me?" he said defense "I don't think we want to stay here tonight" "Why..." but he didn't finish because he picked up on the reason fast enough, they left as quiet as possible leaving Angel and Buffy in the hands of the now nonterrified teenagers.


Down stairs Buffy was in the kitchen about to get a bit to eat when she caught sight of the note hanging on the bulletin board, taking it down she read:

Dear Buffy, Me and Spike went out on a little patrol, be back soon, and have fun. Cordelia and Spike

Turning it over and over, apparently that's all they was; shrugging her shoulders she threw it away. Angel slinked into the kitchen with his hands in his pocket "Hey, you seen Cordy anywhere, I've been trying to find her?" Buffy only smirked "Seems both our lovers took off on an unscheduled patrol" "Wonder what that could be about?" Angel sat down, grabbing the coke Buffy had just opened "Hey.." but before another word came out they heard a loud crash come from upstairs "Dawn" "Conner" they lunged for the stairs getting trapped between the railing and the wall. Finally pushed past Buffy got up first, she could hear noises but couldn't make them out, when her and Angel reached the room they could finally make out what the noises were. "I'm going to Cor'tath, I'm going to Cor'tath!" Conner shouted his lungs off "Stake me, stake me. Use your weapon in my heart!" Dawn moaned seductively. Horror crept onto the older ones faces, Buffy almost fainted at the mental pictures of Conner and Dawn, looking up she saw it wasn't just her; Angel swayed on his feet "That's it, jump in my portal!" Dawn roared "I'm coming, there it is. Cor'tath!" Conner barked, the walls were shaking and they couldn't take it anymore "Stand back" Angel growled to Buffy, backing away as Angel kicked the door down, "What the hell..." her words fell short.

"You should have seen their faces" Conner laughed uncontrollable with Dawn at his side "Here I'm on one side of the room and Dawn on the other making these noises and shouting off phrases they used in the talk" bowled over Dawn could barely continue the story "Man did they look scared when they kicked down the door" everyone in the room, as well as Giles howled in hysteria. Buffy and Angel sulked in the back, their faces reddening at the embarrassment. "How did you know?" Buffy asked as the laughter died down a little "Cordelia and Spike told us the real story, and after comparing notes we put two and two together." Dawn explained "So you thought you'd get us back?" Angel prodded, and the two teenagers nod their heads 'yes'. The slayer and vampire smiled at each other "So..."

"Was it worth it?" Buffy asked while her and Angel drank sodas and watched Dawn and Conner scrubbing the Hyperian hotel floor with toothbrushes. 'A well deserved punishment' she thought to her self as her and her ex- boyfriend toasted to their victory. Stopping the teenagers looked up "I'd scrub this floor a thousand times to see your faces again, so yes" her and Conner look at each other "It was worth it" they finished together, falling down giggling "Keep scrubbing" Angel ordered.

From then on Dawn and Conner were never alone together, and Angel and Buffy didn't try and trick the younger two. And after the teenagers finished their punishment everything went back to normal, well as normal as anything in L.A. could be.

The End.