Male Bonding

by Artemis

Rating:PG-13 for language

Summary: Oh no!  It's become a series!  Follows the story Ladies Night.  Recommended that you read Man's World and Ladies Night first.  Once again, I abuse characterizations and avoid villainy as I put the JL in contrived situations. 

Disclaimer:  I do not own any of the DC characters in this story.  I'm only taking them out to have a good time.  I'll have them back by dinner, promise. 

Author's Notes:  The first 2 chapters inspired by Wondy and JL Rules. . . thanks guys!  And thanks to UG for giving me a plot bunny—otherwise this story would have been 100% vapid, instead of only 99%.


Flash couldn't stop laughing.

Superman grabbed the bottle from his hand.  "You're spilling!"  And immediately crouched down on the floor, napkins in hand to sop up the spilt beer.

Flash looked up, "Sorry Big Guy.  But," he paused to wipe away tears, "Can you honestly picture HG getting her claws manicured?"

He was laughing again.

John's face had been steadily turning red since Flash had burst out laughing.  Flash walked in and asked where the ladies were and John told him what Shayera told him.  Diana and Shayera had agreed to meet with Lois Lane and go to a spa.  They were supposed to be there all weekend.

"And Wondy!  She'll go off on one of her speeches as soon as some fat broad named Hildabob tries to wax her bikini line."

J'onn was confused.  "What is a 'Hildabob?'"

He never got an answer because Flash suddenly noticed the stare he was getting from the darkest corner of the room and took off, in well, a flash.

With Flash gone, John turned on the television.  "Alright, who wants to make this interesting?" nodding to the football game now playing.

Superman blushed a little and produced a five-dollar bill.  "I'll put five on Metropolis of course."

He sat back, still a little embarrassed that he was gambling, and took a quick bite of his chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

Batman snorted and moved up to the couch, a glass of bubbly amber liquid in his hand.

"Gotham," was the terse reply as he tossed a bill onto the table.

John eyed the fifty as he sipped his Rolling Rock and smirked, "I'll see that, fifty on Metropolis then."

J'onn realized all eyes were on him and put down his bag of Oreos to hold up a one dollar bill.  "I too will wager on Metropolis."

Batman and John exchanged a look that said 'Amateurs.'


"GET THAT CRAP AWAY FROM ME!" Shayera's mace was clenched overhead with two hands.

"I told you to make her leave that in the car."

Diana gave Lois a look, "You honestly believe I could have accomplished that?"

Lois frowned, well, tried to frown, but her upper lip was a little stiff from the wax and cloth strip.  So she sat back in her chair and crossed her arms instead.  She watched Diana flipping through a magazine and started to feel little touches of jealousy.  Apparently Diana was so damn perfect, she was also perfectly hairless in all the right places as well.  There was nothing that needed to be waxed.

She sighed and turned her attention back to Shayera and the scared waxing technician.  

"But ma'am, it's part of your weekend.  It doesn't hurt."

"Like hell it doesn't," Lois muttered.

Diana glanced at her with an amused grin and went back to reading the magazine.

"I came here to relax.  DO I SOUND RELAXED TO YOU?"

"No ma'am.  I'm sorry!"  The girl ran out of the room.

"Great Hera, Shy, I think she's crying."

"Serves her right for glopping that crap on my crotch."

"It's a bikini wax Shayera," Lois rolled her eyes, but she was grinning.  "It, uh, tidies things up down there."

Shayera patted her mace and responded dryly, "Tidy?"

Diana was blushing and buried her head into her magazine, realizing too late it was an article on "50 Ways to Make Him Scream in the Bedroom."  Her blush deepened.

Shayera noticed her friend's crimson face and asked sweetly, "So watcha readin' Di?"


Lois snatched the magazine out of her hands and laughed, "And who will be 'screaming?'"

Shayera looked over her shoulder and caught the name of the article.

"Well, if we can believe Flash, the screamer-to-be is Batman."

Diana looked up, her mouth agape in horror.

"Flash is a nosy little shit, Di. Figured you knew that by now."

Lois nodded appreciatively, "It's true, I've used him as a source several times."

Diana quickly shook her head.  "No, nothing, NOTHING like that has happened."

The other two gave her a look.

"Well, ok," Diana admitted, her face on fire now, "We did kiss."

Lois leaned forward towards Diana, "Just a kiss?"

Shayera pulled up a chair.

"Spill it Princess."

Diana was saved by a different wax girl, actually a big burly woman, coming in.  Her nametag read 'Hilda.'

"YOU!" she pointed a thick sausage digit at Shayera as she intoned in a heavy psuedo-Eastern European accent.  "You make Marla cry!  Now you get me!"

Shayera wasn't going to be intimidated by her however.  She was on her feet instantly and opened her mouth to reply when Hilda shoved Shayera back onto a table and grabbed a corner of the wax strip still stuck very high on Shayera's thigh.



By the second quarter, with Gotham up by 24 and Metropolis down to the third string QB, Flash wandered back in and quietly took a seat, attempting to be on his best behavior. 

"Can I put 10 on Gotham?"

"NO!" from J'onn, Superman, and John.


Flash grinned in gratitude, "Thanks Bats."

John and Superman frowned and muttered something under their breath while J'onn shoved a handful of Oreos in his mouth.

"Anyone have a problem with that?"  Batman asked coldly.

Some murmured "No's" and all eyes turned back to the game just as a Gotham wide receiver crossed the line for another touchdown.


"Aren't you going to glare at your new buddy, make him shut up?"  John asked Batman, a little irritated.

Batman simply leaned back and sipped his drink to hide his smirk.


"I'm BORED!" 

Diana removed the cucumber slices from her eyes and looked at Hawkgirl.

"As am I.  Shall we find something else to do?"

Lois pushed herself up, her cucumber slices falling into her lap.

"Why?  What's wrong with just laying here relaxing?"

"Because it's BORING!"

Diana smiled apologetically to Lois, "We are just accustomed to a more vigorous day."

A girl came in with towels and Diana touched her arm.

"Excuse me, do you have anything here that is more. . . 'active?'"

The girl frowned, "You mean like the gym?"

Shayera jumped up.  "Where?"

She cradled the towels with one arm and pointed down the hall.  Shayera ran out the door still a little bowlegged, flip-flops slapping the ground and the big robe covering her wings billowing around her.  Diana wasn't far behind.

Lois sighed.  "Gee, thanks."  She slowly rose and followed.


"What does one do at a 'spa?'"

The men looked at J'onn then turned to Superman.

"Why are you looking at me?"

John and Flash looked to Batman for help.  Batman sighed.  Why he was the only one who could give it to the Boy Scout straight, he would never know.

"You're most in touch with your.  .  .  'feminine side.'"

"Great Scott!  Does 'Man of Steel' mean nothing to you guys?  Or 'Man of Tomorrow?'  'Last Son of Krypton?'"

No one said anything, just continued to stare at the Man of Steel, Man of Tomorrow, and Last Son of Krypton.

He shrugged and sighed.  "Fine.  But the only reason I know this is because Lois and I did an undercover story there."


Superman took a moment to glare at Batman before continuing. 

"It's for relaxation, beautification.  Manicures, pedicures, massages. . ."

Flash almost spit out his beer, "Massages!"

Superman ignored him.

"Facials, mud baths, saunas. . ."


"Swimming, horse back riding, tennis. . "


"You said that already."

"I know but those last three were lame."

"Oh. . . kay. . . oh, and waxing, exfoliation, seaweed wrap."

"Seaweed wrap!"

"Am I missing the innuendo?"

"Oh, no.  I just don't what a 'seaweed wrap' is."


"How the hell do you dribble?"

Shayera slapped the basketball with her hand and groaned in frustration when it simply bounced off her foot and rolled away.

Diana was focused on the spinning basketball on her index finger.

"Athena be praised!  Shy!  I did it!"

"Cool!  Hey Lo!  Check this out!"  Shayera hollered to Lois and pointed at Diana's spinning basketball.

Lois rolled her eyes.  Why did Shayera start calling her 'Lo?'  And when?

"Wow.  Nice."

Shayera ignored her sarcasm and waddled over as she was still walking bowlegged.

"Um, why are you walking like that?"

"Hilda the Beast Woman," Hawkgirl frowned, staring off deep in thought, "Superpower: Hot wax.  Oh, I'll defeat her. . ."

"Great Hera Shy!" 

Shayera and Lois looked at Diana, who was now spinning the ball on the index finger of her other hand.  "You will do no such thing!  We're here for a nice QUIET weekend!"

"But what if she is an evil meta?"

"Shayera Hol!"

"But. . ."


"Your boyfriend would have a plan prepared. . ." Shayera muttered.

"I heard that!"

"Aw!  Not you too!  How long?  Is super-hearing a two-for-one deal with the red boots?"

Diana opened her mouth to retort and stopped.  Shayera whirled around when she heard Lois laughing.  Diana was staring at her too, but a smile was forming on her lips.

"Sorry, I just got that.  Good one Shy!"

"Thanks Lo!"

Lois cringed.  "How about I show you how to dribble?"

Shayera looked at her dubiously.  "You know how?"

"No, but I know it has to be better than what you were doing."


"No way!  Lemme see!"

Batman folded his arms tighter and tucked in his hands.  But Flash was apparently feeling pretty bold, or he had a death wish because he kept nagging.

"Come on Bats!"

Batman looked at Superman, "Did you forget you gave me your kryptonite ring?"

Superman only grinned back.  "Well there's only so much I can explain about the spa experience.  You're the expert on this."

Batman glared back, but Superman wouldn't stop grinning.  As Bruce Wayne, he had to maintain a more corporate image.  This procedure was just a part of that image.  Lots of men of his socioeconomic status had this done.  Definitely not crossing any lines into anything feminine.  Certainly not.  It was a sign of affluence really, part of maintaining his secret identity.  Necessary in fact, the more he thought about it.  He corrected himself--*crucial* to his ability to operate freely as the Batman. 

Not like he could tell any of that to the men staring at him in amazement right now.

He continued shooting Flash a BatStare.

"Batman!"  Flash was whining.  "PLEASE BATS!  I'll never bother you again!  I swear!"

Batman remained silent.  His mind was working through what he knew of Clark's daily schedule, looking for holes, where Clark could disappear and no one would notice until it was too late. . .

"I am curious too, Batman," J'onn stated abruptly.  Batman cursed to himself.  J'onn must have caught his train of thought.  Hm.  Witnesses.  He mentally did a quick inventory of his utility belt—Oreos and a lighter—yes, third compartment to right of the buckle.

He realized they were all looking at him expectantly.  He tried glaring at them, but it had no effect.  Flash was practically bouncing up and down on his seat.  Superman was in the seat closest to the door.  He needed a diversion.  He looked at his glass.  Maybe if he spilled the contents all over the floor, Clark's OCD would kick in and he'd be on all fours cleaning it up before it stained, hopefully leaving an open path to the door.  Batman fixated on that strategy and began calculating where he could spill it that would put the most space between Clark and the door.  .  .

"We simply want to see.  We are just curious," J'onn said.  Damn, the Martian must have been reading his thoughts again.  Everyone's eyes were on him.

Batman growled and removed a glove.  He held out a fist and slowly unclenched it as he stared straight ahead at the game.  And now Metropolis managed to get on the board with a field goal.

This whole evening was worse than the night Diana kicked his ass in the car. 

He chanced a look at the other guys when he realized no one was laughing. 

"I want one," Flash admitted wistfully.

"Yeah. . . Didn't realize it looked so. . . suave," John said slowly.

Batman scowled and examined their faces carefully.  He made a note to himself to take a sample of Rolling Rock and check for tampering. 

J'onn and Superman were both nodding.  Clark looked down at his own hands and muttered, "I haven't been on a farm in ages and yet it sure looks like I've been shucking corn."

J'onn nodded, examining Batman's hand, "Surprisingly, he has retained masculinity."

Batman yanked his hand away and replaced his glove as he glared at the Martian.  He then growled when he realized all eyes were on him once again. 

Expectant eyes.




Shayera squirmed under Hilda's grip.

"Shayera, the ball will still be here when we're done."  Diana attempted to console the forlorn Thanagarian.  Lois followed wordlessly carrying Shayera's mace.  Beast—ahem, Hilda had entered the gym announcing it was time for their massages.  Shayera preferred the gym however, and attempted to hit Hilda with her basketball.  Hilda palmed the ball easily with one hand and once again insisted.  Shayera wouldn't budge.  Judging from the grip Hilda had on the collar of Shayera's robe, Hilda won the argument.

"It's not fair.  I was dribbling the ball!  I finally did it!"  Shayera glared at Lois. "No thanks to you!"

"Well, it's been awhile since I've had high school gym class, ok?" Lois snapped back.

"Yeah, and how LONG ago was that?" Shayera continued to argue as she was dragged down the hall.

"Sisters!  We are here to relax, remember?"

They both looked at Diana guiltily then glanced at each other, mumbling "Sorry."

They all remained silent for a moment until Lois spoke.

"Why do you call every woman 'sister?'"

"Because that is what we do at home."

"But you were 'born' fairly recently, right?"

"Yes . . ."

"So you're younger than they are, right?"

"Yes . . ."

"And your mother is the Queen, right?"

"Yes . . ."

"And all the other Amazons call her sister, right?"

"Yes . . ." Diana's voice was starting to betray some impatience.

"So why do you call them sisters?"

Diana frowned in confusion.

"Why not 'aunts?'"

"Because they are my sisters."

"But they're really your aunts."

"But we say sister—SHY!"  Diana took off after the bowlegged Thanagarian waddling away as Lois ran to Hilda's side.

"Careful."  Lois helped her off the floor.  "I'm so sorry, did she hurt you?"

Hilda ignored the woman's ministrations and growled in the direction of Hawkgirl in her pseudo-Eastern European accent.

"Run away now little bird-girlie.  You will be mine."

Her maniacal laugh didn't so much startle Lois, as it pained her, yet another embarrassing adventure with these role models.  She then simply shook her head, reminding herself that she did agree to accompany the two Leaguers.  No one forced her to say yes when they phoned.

She needed to start screening her calls.


"Now what do we do?  Come on Bats!  I've never had a manicure before!"

Batman ignored the pile of nail products Flash dumped before him onto the coffee table and gave the Scarlet Speedster a long stare.

"Where did you get this?"

"Shy and Wondy's rooms.  They're girls," he shrugged.

"Hm."  Batman decided he would investigate that later, starting by checking Wally West's most recent transactions, with an eye out for stores ending in "-uty supply."

John reached over and picked up a tube, "What's this stuff? Super glue?"

Superman perked up at "super" and glanced at the skinny tube, "It looks like lip gloss."

"Because Lois has some," he added defensively to the suddenly quiet room, "Hello?  Officially a couple?"

Batman continued to stare at the television, trying to become engrossed in the game, reminding himself that he had already warned them he was not a people person.

Flash was sniffing it cautiously. "Well it's not glue!" he grinned triumphantly.

John rolled his eyes, "Now why don't you taste it and tell us if it's lip glo—"

Too late.

"Ish thill on mah tun!"  Flash was making a face with his tongue sticking out.  He licked one of his sleeves and shuddered, "Ew!"  Flash turned back to his sleeve, licking his lips.  "What did I stick my arm in?" he mused out loud, "That was kinda tasty. . ."

Batman directed his glare at the football game instead of the usual target.  This was why he was not a people person.

"Perhaps it's hand lotion," J'onn offered.

Flash rolled his eyes, "Yeah, really BAD tasting hand lotion."

"Or maybe it's—"

Superman was interrupted when Batman jumped to his feet, glowering.  In the immediate silence, he intoned in his gravelly baritone.

"Avon Nail Experts Advanced Mira-Cuticle Ò Vanishing Complex."

He grunted at their ineptitude and sat down.

Flash was squinting at the label.

"Bats, you could read this from all the way over there?"

Batman remained silent as he stared at the television, but was internally reminding himself, 'I am vengeance.  I am the night.  I am NOT the only crime fighter with a manicure.'

Of course you're not.  Diana and Shayera do as well.

Batman slowly turned towards J'onn, a slow smirk across the Dark Knight's lips.

J'onn sat back suddenly, his eyes wide and gave Batman a quick nod.

Batman turned back to the game. 

The score was now 44-3.  Gotham. 


"mmm. . ."



Diana and Lois lifted their heads from their tables and looked up at Shayera in surprise.  Hawkgirl kept scrunching her face in pain as the masseuse prodded and kneaded her back. 

"Miss, you must relax.  You're tensing all your muscles."

"Maybe if you weren't so pointy—what are you, all elbows?"

"I'm sorry Miss.  How's this?"

"Not bad.  Ok, you may continue . . ."

Diana and Lois looked at each other and grinned; before shutting their eyes and laying their heads back down to enjoy their own massages.  No one but Shayera's masseuse saw the rather large woman with the 'Hilda' nametag enter.  The younger, smaller woman bowed her head and left the room.

"mmmmmm . . ."



"mmm-hmm, that's it Shy. . ."


"You got it Shayera. . ."

"mmmpppphhh. . ."

"Just relax Shy. . ."

Shayera was finally able to get her head out from under Hilda's grip, but not before the Beast shoved a towel in her mouth.


"mmm-hmmm. . ."

"Oh yeah. . ."

Shayera didn't have time to remove the towel because her hands were reaching for her mace as Hilda pounded her head into the table.

THUD-THUD-THUD "Someone sounds a little tense . . ." THUD-THUD-THUD

Diana chuckled into her table at Lois's observation, "I think this was exactly what she needed . . ."

Shayera kept reaching until she felt cool steel.  Mace in hand, she swung up, around her head.


"Hmm . . . must have found a tense spot. . ." Diana murmured.

"How you doin' over there Shayera?" Lois asked without opening her eyes.

The hit only made Hilda wring Shayera's neck tighter.


Diana and Lois both chuckled from their respective tables, where their masseuses continued diligently, avoiding eye contact with Hilda.

"Great Gaea, to think we had to drag you here, Shy . . ."

Shayera managed to charge her mace and with one final swing, connected, sending Hilda to the floor.  Shayera was able to pull the towel out of her mouth before passing out onto the table.  The two masseuses remaining glanced at each other over Diana and Lois's bodies.  One nodded as the other one took a breath to speak.

"Um, the massage is almost over, but we ask that you do not get up yet." Her voice became more soothing as she finished kneading Diana's back, "Just lay here, relax, be in the moment. . ."

Lois's masseuse rolled her eyes and then gestured at Hilda's beached form.

"Um, yes . . . relax, as a butterfly in a meadow. . . no, um, a deer. . . yes, you are Bambi. . ."

Lois was starting to frown at the odd turn this was going, but Diana's face remained blissful.

"Prance through the field little Bambi. . . yes, uh. . . prance. . ."

Diana's masseuse started backing away, shooting glances at Lois's masseuse who was hunched over Hilda.  They seemed to be arguing with their eyes over what to do with the now sleeping giant.

"oh. . . a flower!. . . sniff the flower little Bambi. . ."

"mmm. . . flowers. . ." Diana mumbled.

There were a few more nods between them.  Lois's masseuse had grabbed the size 14 feet and started dragging.

"um, now you're skipping Bambi. . . and frolicking. . . through all the pretty flowers. . ."

Diana sighed as her masseuse glared at the other masseuse, before shrugging and lifting Hilda's shoulders.

"UGH, um. . . I mean, mmmmm. . . Bambi is thirsty. . . you skip over to the stream. . ."

"mmm. . . stream. . ." Diana was still content, although Lois was rolling her eyes under closed eyelids.

"I liked it better when she talked with her hands . . . and kept her trap shut. . ."

The two women now held Hilda between them, barely.  Knees buckling and backs bent with the extra weight, they slowly carried Hilda out of the room.  Diana's masseuse managed one more deep thought before stepping out the door.

"and, um, oh!  It's a birdie . . . drinking at the stream . . . he says, 'Hello Bambi!'"

"Hello birdie . . ." Diana mumbled.

"Oh for cryin' out loud!"  Lois opened her eyes and sat up in disgust.  "Where'd they go?"

Diana blinked her eyes a few times and looked around, her head stopping at the site of Shayera.

"Aw, look at Shayera!  She fell asleep!"

"Oh brother . . . Am I the only one that Bambi crap didn't work on?"


"No, file in one direction."

"Oh, ok!  Like this?"

Batman grunted an affirmative to Flash and checked on John's progress.  All the men were gathered around the coffee table, the game long forgotten.

"This takes too damn long," John muttered as he buffed the nail surface.  He held up his hand and examined the shine appreciatively, "But worth it."

J'onn was still soaking his fingers and Superman was working on his cuticles.  The cuticle trimmers looked like a safety pin in the Man of Steel's hand.  Consequently, he wasn't having any luck.

Batman sighed and held out his hand.  Superman grinned sheepishly and gave the trimmers over to the Dark Knight, who bent his head over the proffered hand and went to work.  The same nimble fingers that dismantled locks and assembled small bombs now deftly trimmed Clark's cuticles.

Superman was examining Batman's face with his super-vision.

"You know, Batman, you've got great skin."

Batman paused in his task to glare at Superman.

"No, really.  Your pores are perfectly clean.  I don't even see any dry skin."

Batman realized all eyes were once again on him. 

He growled.



"I'm telling you, it was the Beast Woman!"

"Hilda attacked you?"  Lois asked dubiously.

"It is definitely plausible," Diana admitted, "Shayera did hit her earlier."

"I didn't start it!  She attacked me with that wax, remember?"

Diana consoled her friend. "We'll keep our eyes open."

As Shayera and Diana walked ahead, Lois slipped a notepad out of her pocket and started writing.

"Wait!  Ladies!"

The three turned and looked at the young spa employee running towards them.

"It's time for the sauna!"

Shayera and Diana looked at each other and slowly turned their heads back to the girl.

"Yeah, it's time for the sauna, Diana."

"Yes, I suppose it is, Shayera."

Without warning, Diana pulled her lasso out of her robe pocket and whirled it over her head before looping the girl.

Shayera held her mace before the girl's wide-eyed expression.


The girl's face crumbled, "I don't know!  Talk about what?"

"We know the sauna's a trap!  Now spill it!"

"I don't know what you're talking about!" she cried.

Lois finally looked away from her notes and her jaw dropped.

"Shayera!  Diana!  What are you doing?"

"Shy, she is in the lasso.  She is telling the truth."

Hawkgirl sighed and backed away.  Diana loosened the lasso and Lois slipped the frightened girl a couple of bills.

"Sorry about my friends."  She turned and glared at the Leaguers before continuing to the mute girl, "Now how about you show us where the sauna is?"

Diana smiled apologetically, but Shayera continued to glare at the spa girl as they fell into step behind her and Lois.

"Oh yes, the Beast Woman will be mine," Shayera vowed to herself.


"Supes, it's getting cold."

Flash pulled his toweled head back and Superman heated the basin of water with his heat-vision.

"Thanks big guy."

"Sure, anytime."

"Hey, while you're at it, can you zap these towels too?  I like mine steamy."

Superman nodded at John's request and focused his gaze on the towels until puffs of steam radiated from the pile.  Remembering the oatmeal and avocado mask all over his face, Superman quickly stepped away from the steam.

J'onn was staring into a mirror, tentatively touching at the thick white strip across his nose.  He picked up the blue and white box and looked at the picture of a woman with a strip across her nose. 

"Batman, how much longer must this remain?"

"Until it hardens," was the gruff reply from the darkest corner of the room.  Batman never looked up from his BatLaptop, choosing to ignore the beauty parlor that was once the lounge.

Where was she? 


September 13th, 20xx, 2:47 pm








September 13th, 20xx, 2:52 pm



SUBJECT: re: help


sorry, city's quiet.  g aw, aren't you having fun bonding with the boys?  D will be back soon enough. ;) ;)

btw--found surveillance feed from a certain spa. . . what's it worth to you?

:) O


September 13th, 20xx, 2:53 pm



SUBJECT: re: help


1. NO.






September 13th, 20xx, 3:03 pm



SUBJECT: re: help


if you must know, I have company ;).  and don't be so defensive about you and D—we think it's great! :)

penthouse in new Gotham Towers.  clocktower's gettin' old.

:) O


September 13th, 20xx, 3:04 pm



SUBJECT: re: help






September 13th, 20xx, 3: 08 pm



SUBJECT: re: help


"we?"  oh, you know, everyone—me, BC, H, BG, NW, R, A, L, Dad. . . g

"steep?"  oh please!  that's pocket change for you!  besides, I think you'll find the price worth it . . .

oh, and I can't tell you who, he's not ready for you to know yet!  (does that help? g)

:) O


September 13th, 20xx, 3:09 pm



SUBJECT: re: help






September 13th, 20xx, 3:16 pm



SUBJECT: re: help


aw, thanks!  I always suspected you were a big sweetie! :) 

I've set up a feed to the MW.  enjoy!

:) O

btw-- when can I move in?


Batman logged off and headed for the Monitor Womb.  He nodded appreciatively at Oracle's skill and speed.  Sure enough, one of the monitors displayed the interior of a sauna.  He stepped closer; assuring himself he was concerned about their well-being.  Neither Diana nor Hawkgirl had checked in yet this weekend.  He recognized the three women, but his eyes were drawn to just one of them however and he immediately blushed when he realized what he was seeing.  Batman was making a mental note to have a little talk with Oracle about discretion and privacy, until a large shadow caught his attention.

He pressed the intercom button. 

"Superman, Green Lantern, meet me in hangar."  


Inside the sauna, Lois lay back down on the bench and closed her eyes.  She really didn't want to know what those two were whispering about now.  Nope, no interest.  She reassured herself that it was probably better she didn't know anyway—plausible deniability and all that.

She opened her eyes to grab a towel and caught Diana looking her way.  Shayera shook her head and Diana turned back to Hawkgirl, still speaking in low voices.

She couldn't take it anymore.  "What?" she blurted out as she sat up.

"SHHHH!"  Shayera glared at her.

Diana moved with long graceful steps to one side of the door as Shayera turned her back to the door and made a show of stretching out on a bench.

Lois wiped the sweat off her brow and groaned as she lay back down.

Shayera adjusted her towel and smirked, "Relax Lo.  Everything's going to be just fine."

Lois rolled her eyes.  "That doesn't help."

Diana whispered from her place next to the door, "It's true Lois.  We will handle this."

Lois, momentarily forgetting, looked over at Diana before quickly averting her eyes.  The Princess wasn't wearing a towel in the steam room.  Staring up at the ceiling, she asked, "Handle what?"

Shayera smirked, "Nothing for you to worry about."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"Well, since you can't exactly wait around for Superman to save you here . . ."

Diana coughed from her post, "Um, what Shayera is trying to say is that if anything were to happen to you, if we got you into any trouble. . ."

"The Boy Scout will have my feathers and her tiara," Shayera finished.

Lois opened her mouth to refute the alternative meaning of that statement but stopped when a dark shadow passed before the small window in the door.  Diana and Shayera noticed as well and immediately tensed.

The doorknob turned and Lois's breath caught.


Batman landed the Javelin easily onto the lawn of the Sierra Sundown Spa.  He glanced over at Superman, who was still wiping oatmeal and avocado off of his face. 

"Ready?" he smirked.

Superman frowned, "Let's go."

He, Batman, and the Green Lantern ran out of the Javelin and straight into the main building, ignoring the gasps and stares.  Superman stopped a woman, "Where's the sauna?" 

She never answered because Batman had already checked their computer and was running down the hall. 

"This way!"

John and Superman were right behind him, so close that they nearly toppled Batman when he stopped abruptly in front of an open door.

"Why'd you stop?" John demanded.  He followed their line of sight and gaped.  Batman clamped his hands over Superman's and John's eyes.

"Well the cavalry arrived," Shayera stated dryly as Lois tossed Diana a towel.

"Thanks Lois," Diana wrapped herself up before turning her attention to the men before them, "And what are you doing here exactly?"

Superman gently pried Batman's hand from his face, mouthing "X-ray vision" to Batman, but the Detective was busy studying the floor.  With John's eyes still covered and his mouth hanging open, Superman chose to speak up.

"We came to see if you were alright."

Shayera put a foot onto the still form of the sleeping Beast Woman on the floor, avoiding the sticky pool of melted wax bubbling with each snore.  She smirked.

"We managed."

John pushed Batman's hand away at the sound of Shayera's voice and grinned proudly at her.

Lois was beaming, "We kicked ass!"

Shayera and Diana shared a grin.

Diana crouched down and pulled off Hilda's dark wig, revealing red hair.

"Giganta," Batman finally spoke, "I recognized her on the monitor."

Diana frowned at that, but decided to file that away for later, "Well, we had help finding out Hilda was Giganta."

Lois, still smiling, held up a turtle and set it on the ground.


September 13th, 20xx, 4:16 pm



SUBJECT: re: help


well??????  when can I move into the penthouse???????

:( O


Barbara turned to Dick and frowned.

"He hasn't written back yet?"


Nightwing shrugged.  "Sounds like Bruce." 

He wrapped his arms around her and grinned, "Besides, he probably took off running for the Monitor Womb."

Barbara had to laugh at the image.

"He's so cute when he's in love."

"Don't let him hear you say that."

"Well, you take after him."

He rested his chin against her red hair and smiled, "I have no problems admitting that."

She twisted around to look up at him.


He rolled his eyes and grinned, "Yep, Bruce is in love with Wonder Woman."

She swatted him in the arm, but she was laughing.

"That's not what I meant!"

He met her protests with a kiss.


The turtle began to transform.

Superman grinned.

Green Lantern looked confused.

Batman dragged a hand over his face and groaned.

"Jayna!"  Superman exclaimed, "But where's your brother?"

A figure began to appear from the mist of the sauna.

"Zan!" Superman greeted the other Wonder Twin.

"Oh, no," Batman was muttering.

"We saw someone by the door," Shayera started to explain, "We were expecting the Beast."

"Hilda," Diana interjected quickly.

"But it was me!" Jayna proclaimed proudly.

"And Zan?" Superman asked, genuinely interested, as Batman just shook his head. 

Diana and Shayera glared at Zan.

"I had already turned into steam," Zan explained, blushing, "Jayna was looking for me."

"Zan always does that when there are women in the sauna!" Jayna giggled, "He's so bad!"

"Um, who are these people?" John asked.

"We're the Wonder Twins!"

Batman closed his eyes and groaned.

"'Wonder Twins?'" John raised an eyebrow as he looked at Diana, "Any relation to--"

Both Diana and Batman shook their heads and answered a simultaneous emphatic, "NO."

"Turns out Jayna, Zan, and Giganta all work here," Lois supplied, still grinning.  This was going to be a great story—has-been wannabe heroes and a wannabe villain all working in an exclusive spa—exposed by the reporter herself with some help from her two new best friends, who just happen to be in the Justice League.  Lois was in the process of selecting the color scheme of her very own superhero costume and debating whether or not to let Smallville be a sidekick when Shayera interrupted her thoughts.

"The Beast did show up, with the intent of locking us inside," Shayera beamed proudly over the unconscious Beast Woman/Hilda/Giganta, "But we foiled her plans."

"We beat her up!" Lois told Superman proudly, "They let me hit her!"

"Once she was tied up," Diana assured Clark in low tones that only he could hear.

"But what if Giganta grows?" he continued using a similar low voice, not wanting to frighten anyone.

"Not while she's bound in my lasso, Kal."

"Right. Hmm."  Superman stepped back and looked to his male teammates, "I guess our work here is done."

His back was turned so he missed the looks exchanged between Shayera and Diana.  The men turned to leave.  Jayna and Zan called out after Superman.

"Does this mean we're getting called up to the big leagues?"


"Um, we'll call you."

The twins looked at each other and shared a pout.


He turned to Diana, who pulled him aside.

"Care to explain that 'monitor' comment?"



Flash looked up at J'onn.  "What?"

J'onn held out the Biore brand pore cleaning strip.  "It resembles a porcupine, does it not?"

"Ew. . . no, actually, that is kinda cool."

Flash touched his face.  "Mine's ready."  He peeled it off.

"Whoa, look!"

J'onn leaned over and peered at the strip.  "All of that came out of your face?"

Flash rubbed his nose, "Guess so."

J'onn set his strip down and examined his nails.

"I wonder what they are doing."

"Why don't you just read their minds?"

"I don't think anyone likes it when I do that."

"True.  It is kinda freaky."

They sat in companionable silence for a moment.

J'onn nibbled on an Oreo.

"What are you reading?" he asked after swallowing.

Flash glanced at the magazine in his lap. 

"Oh, just something I need to leave around Linda's apartment."

The Scarlet Speedster smirked.

"Fifty Ways to Make Him Scream in the Bedroom."


The END!!