A/N: Crack-Fic! This is all silly nonsense! Turn away now! Still reading? Fine. This is my random AF Story. Read only if you like silly stories where people abuse loads of drugs and still managed to get the hang of their lives by sheer dumb (or semi informed) luck.
For the time being, this story will not be betaed. It's all just for fun, so read only if you can deal with ze heavy gerrrman aczzent XD. If this will develop into a regular thing and you'd like to beta this story, you can contact me via PM.
Warning: I do not condone the abuse of drugs and everybody is responsible for him/herself. This is supposed to be a stoner comedy/parody of the Harry Potter universe. If you don't like it, try a different story.
Disclaimer: If you recognize it, it's not mine. If it were, I would be rich. I'm not, so screw this.
When Harry had returned from his fifth year at Hogwarts, he was in terrible shape. His godfather had died, the girl he secretly loved had been severely hurt and all because of him.
His relatives had left him alone for a couple of days and, while he normally enjoyed any respite from them, he now felt utterly alone. He searched the house for any and all methods to alleviate the pain inside of him, but nothing helped.
After using a razor blade to cut himself, the pain didn't get smaller, he just added a physical dimension to it. Booze from Vernon's liquor cabinet helped short term, but the next day was just as bad as the razor thing. Masturbation to Dudley's porn magazines and tapes helped a little, but was equally short lived and repeating this often enough made his dick hurt. He had found pills in his cousin's room and deciding that he had nothing to lose, swallowed one. He had sat the remainder of the day in one corner of the living room, with a big knife in his hand, worried that 'THEY' would come and get him.
After swallowing a different one, he had desperately tried to make love to the fluffy rug in his aunt and uncle's bedroom. He awoke a few hours later with carpet burns on his knees and balls. Under Dudley's bed he finally found a plastic baggy with some green, resin encrusted flower buds. He recognized it from the drug awareness lesson they had in primary school. After a bit of digging he also found his cousin's bong and decided that the garden was as good a place as any for this experience.
He took everything there, loaded a big fat bowl and smoked it. The first time he inhaled, his lungs burned and he had to cough for a while, but he quickly got used to it.
He came to one realization.
Being high is fucking amazing!
While he sat there and enjoyed the green of the garden around him. He came to a couple of interesting conclusions. He noticed that the Dark Lord Voldemort had fucked up the first half of his live royally. The Light Lord Dumbledore, had screwed up the second half. What the fuck was wrong with them, couldn't they see how relaxed live could be, if you didn't try to kill each other.
Maybe it was time for him to change stuff around. And to be compliant to this entire Lord thingy, he would become neither a dark one, nor a light one. He would become a high one.
Harry Potter the High Lord. That had a nice ring to it. He broke into hysterical laughter at the thought. Then he got really hungry, like really fucking hungry.
After he had raided the fridge, he tried to think of ways to accomplish his goal. It was hard, man. He came to the conclusion that he needed help. After all, both Voldemort and Dumbledore had followers, but who to recruit first.
He thought of Ron, but he'd only be jealous of Harry being the lord instead of himself. Nope the first follower, Harry thought, should be a girl. Clever and nice to look at.
"Hermione, sure I'll call her."
He went over to the phone and didn't even think about entering the call into the small book his uncle had set up. He was now the high Lord and you didn't need to concern yourself with such things then. He dialled Hermione's number and waited for her to pick up.
"Granger Residence." A female voice answered. Almost Hermione, older! Her mother probably.
"Hello Mrs. Granger, this is the hig...eh Harry Potter speaking. Could I talk to Hermione, please."
A small pause, then the voice continued quite a bit cooler than before. "I'll see if she wants to talk to you."
Harry frowned, why wouldn't Hermione want to talk to him? Ohh...They probably knew that he had gotten her hurt. Bummer.
A few seconds later, Hermione picked up the phone. "Harry is that you?"
"Hi Hermione, eh sorry...about the injury and stuff, y'know."
"It's okay Harry, it wasn't your fault."
"Well I sure hope that your parents are of the same opinion."
"Maybe not. I don't care either way. It's not your fault."
"OK, well, I wanted to ask you two things."
"What did you want to ask."
"I forgot, but would you like to come over? The Dursley's have gone on a short trip and left me at home. So?"
"Sure I would love to come over. Just give me the address and I'll look up what bus, train or subway I have to take."
Harry quickly told her and, not knowing how long it would take her, went back to the garden to smoke some more. After that he ate some more and then he went inside to relax in front of the TV.
He pushed a tape in the VCR and tore open a bag of crisps, some time throughout the movie he fell asleep.
Upon being woken by the doorbell, he couldn't even tell you what he had watched. Stumbeling for the door, he opened it and in front of him Hermione stood.
"Hey Hermione fancy seeing you in this part of town, would you like to come in?"
A bit confused Hermione stepped into the Dursley home.
"Are… are you feeling alright Harry?"
"Me, sure I feel better than I have in years. I found something, some… ehhh … you know the small green ones, that you put in the glass thingy… no?… Well I'll best show you then."
Harry led his visitor into the back garden and pointed to the plastic bag and bong that were still on the bench.
"Oh my god, Harry, is that what I think it is…!?"
This question puzzled Harry to no end. 'How shall I know what she thinks?' He quickly thought of using legilimency on her to find out, but realized he had no idea how that stuff worked. 'I should find out how to, seems to be useful.'
"I don't know what you're thinking Hermione and Legilimency is out, so care to share those thoughts with me?" He asked smiling widely.
"Is this Marihuana? You know weed, pot … drugs Harry?"
"Oh, now I get it… yep, they are… I mean it is."
"Since when are you taking drugs?"
Harry quickly started counting on his fingers. "Couple of days, three or so."
"Oh, Harry, you really shouldn't do that."
"Why not? I mean, have you ever tried that stuff before. I mean, like the pills and stuff, man that's evil… but this, it's nature and great, so it's probably even healthy or so." He quickly thought back to when his aunt would tell Dudley to eat his greens because they were healthy. So if you could eat them, why not smoke them? Probably had the same effect anyway.
"Harry!" Hermione stood in front of him waving her hand before his face.
"Were you even listening to me?"
He looked at her hard and long. "Nope."
"Harry, I can't let you do this to yourself. These drugs might ruin your life and health."
Harry barked a laugh at this, albeit a sarcastic one. The effects of the weed were wearing off.
"You really think so Hermione. You really think there is much left to ruin. Something that hasn't been ruined by all of those fuckers."
He made sweeping arm gestures and then started to count on his fingers.
"Pettigrew, Voldemort, the fucking Dursley family… yes all of them and even bloody Dumbledore as well. I was fucked over from birth. And it only went downhill from my first birthday. I was beaten and starved. Neglected and abused. Famed only to be used as a scapegoat. I try to save a man and get him killed. I love you and got you hurt."
By this point Harry didn't notice what he had blurted out, not that he cared any more. Hermione however had heard every word.
Harry watched as the girl in front of him, blushed prettily and lowered her gaze.
"But Harry, I only worry about you, don't you understand. I want you to deal with your emotions in a healthy way, I don't think the drugs are going to do that for you."
"Have you ever tried it? Have you? This stuff is amazing. For the better part of my life, I was a nervous wreck." He waved her upcoming complaint away. "Sure I've done some heroic things in the past." He was way past his usual self imposed humbleness. "But being heroic is easy, when you have nothing much left to live for and everything to lose when you don't."
He went over to the glassware on the bench loaded the bowl and held it out to her. Hermione hesitated. Her natural curiosity screamed at her to take it, but her obedient nature forbade it.
Harry could see her struggle, it was evident on her face. She was looking at him, her head slightly lowered and softly chewed on her lip. He decided to help her along.
"You were the one who told me that I had to try stuff, for me to know if I like it or not."
Closing her eyes for a moment, Hermione tentatively reached for the bong. Upon grasping it, her face grew determined.
"Harry, hand me a lighter."
Upon her first inhalation, Hermione was ready to kick herself for smoking. Her lungs were burning like fire. But after a couple of minutes, she was too high to care. She turned to her friend, pressed a soft smooch on his lips and handed him the pipe. She entered the living room, leaving a flabbergasted Harry in the garden.
Harry smoked the rest of the bowl and followed Hermione. He found her on the sofa, munching on the crisps he had left there.
She looked at him through half lidded eyes. "Yeah?"
"How'd you like it?"
Reaching around to unclasp her bra, she kept looking at him.
"It's nice." She undid the clasp and pulled the bra from her shirt sleeve. "It's so relaxing, I haven't been this relaxed in… well ever." Throwing her bra over the backrest of the sofa, she giggled. "There that's more comfy."
Hermione looked over at Harry, still giggling, which caused him to lapse into full blown laughter. Following suite, she was soon holding her sides. After about ten minutes of laughing, Harry had to ask.
Between constant fits of giggles, he bit out. "Why are we laughing anyway?"
This proved to be too much for them both and the cycle repeated again.
It was a couple of minutes later still, when they had both calmed down enough to be coherent again. Hermione was back at eating from the bag of crisps.
"I really shouldn't be eating those. " She said, while pulling up her shirt a bit to reveal her belly. Pinching at it a bit, she turned to Harry.
"Look, there's already too much flab on my midsection."
Harry was halfway through his reply, telling her that her midsection looked great, when he noticed something else. It was a thin white line that curved about an inch beside her belly button. It snaked up into her shirt and down into her pants.
Reaching out with a tentative hand, Harry placed a finger on the mark and traced it from above her belly button to just below.
He felt her shiver under his touch and pulled away. "I hope I didn't hurt you."
He looked at her, her eyes were closed and she was biting her lip. Hermione's voice had a husky undertone as she replied.
"Nooohh! It didn't hurt…" She cleared her throat before she continued. "That's my little souvenir from the battle at the ministry. It starts all the way up here…" She pulled at the neck of her shirt, exposing her collarbone, where the beginning of the white line was visible. "...over my chest…" Hermione traced a line over her shirt that went down in between her breasts. "...down my belly…" Her finger traced the line around her belly button. "...and all the way down here." The finger stopped at the hem of her jeans. Gripping it, she pushed pants and panties down by roughly an inch.
Harry quickly noted that, as far as he could see, there was no grass on that hill. He also saw the end of the line just below where the hem of her pants had been. On top of that, watching a girl trace lines over herself like that, made him swallow hard and it made his pants become tight.
"My parents were a bit work after that, didn't want me to return to Hogwarts next term." She sighed. "Is there some weed left?"
They returned to the back garden and lit up the next batch.
Harry had just exhaled a big cloud of smoke.
"We should get Neville to grow this stuff. It would probably be fucking potent by the end. That guy can work with those plants, it's almost like he can talk to them."
Hermione giggled a bit.
"Sure, we just need some seeds, I'm pretty sure he could probably grow them in your dorm or so."
"Enchanted suitcase with state of the art greenhouse equipment."
Hermione bit her lip.
"Muggle and magical. You can get muggle tech to work, as long as it's not too advanced."
She had bent forward a bit and Harry was trying his damndest not to look down her shirt.
Noticing Harry trying so hard not to look, she decided to give him a treat.
He turned to fully look at her and with a lightning quick motion, Hermoine pulled up her shirt, baring her chest for a second.
With his mind in shock and his pants now uncomfortably tight, Harry could only gasp until his mind was back in gear again. Hermione, in the meantime, was laughing her butt off, rolling on the couch and holding her sides.
It was this shock that Harry had needed to remember what he had asked Hermione here for.
"Hermione, listen, what I originally asked you here for was, do you want to be my first follower?"
What ever she had expected him to ask, this definitely wasn't it and her face showed it. Harry explained his reasoning to her.
"Look, all the powerful people have this Lord thing going on in the wizarding world. They run around, calling themselves Lord Soandso and get followers to join their cause...or violently oppress them… whatever. I decided to shit all over this system. I will be a Lord, but I won't be light, nor dark...I will be high!"
It took Hermione a moment, especially since she had thought he would ask her to be his girlfriend, but after the meaning hit, she had another laughing fit.
"Okay, that is hilarious. I actually thought you would ask me something else though, oh well…"
Harry thought hard about it. For like three seconds.
"Yeah, can I see your boobs again?"
Rather than being angry, Hermione wanted to play.
"You ask me the right question, you can see them anytime you like."
Smiling, Harry knelt down beside her, took her hand. Hermione got a shocked expression on her face. 'He won't, would he?'
With a solemn face, he looked her in the eye.
"Hermione, we've known each other for five years now. You've grown into a beautiful woman. So please don't be surprised if I ask you…"
He made a pause and took a deep breath.
"... could you please take off your shirt."
Taken aback, Hermione was fumbling for words, until she saw the corners of his mouth twitch.
"Oh you bloody bastard!"
She hit his arm.
Once they had calmed down enough from their hysterics, Harry tried again to find the correct question.
"Hermione, we've been through so much shit together and you always stood by me. No matter what happened you were always on my side. Would you like to be…"
Upon pausing again, he received a sharp look from the girl opposite him.
"Okay, okay, jokes aside. Would you like to be my girlfriend?"
Harry looked at her with abject horror in his eyes, until he saw the corners of her mouth twitch.
"You fucking tease!"
She started laughing.
"Of course I'll be your girlfriend and your first follower. So where do we go from here my lord." The statement was followed by a coy look.
"First we kiss, then we'll smoke some weed, then you take off your shirt…" She gave him her 'really, Harry' look. "...okay, okay, then we should get into contact with a couple more potential followers."
It took them way longer to reach the second stage than they had anticipated. Their first quick kiss turned into a full blown, not-so-quick make out session. While they managed to keep most stuff on their clothes and all the other stuff in their pants, they were heated, flushed and panting by the time they were done.
They were just chilling in the garden after their smoking session, when the front door opened. Neither of them cared enough to move. Heavy feet made their way up the stairs, while even heavier feet waltzed into the living room.
The scream rang out simultaneously from the ground and first floor.
Vernon Dursley came to the door leading out to the back garden, Hermione's bra dangling from his finger. Dudley was only seconds behind his father, but rivaling his shade of purple.
"What is the meaning of this!?" Vernon demanded to know.
He now spotted Hermione, Harry resting his head on her lap. Said Potter cracked open one eye and looked at his "caregiver".
"Yo, Vernon my dude, what's got your knickers in a twist?"
Said uncle now spotted the weed on the bench, together with the still smoldering bong.
"Are you taking drugs in my House, Potter? Really, after all these years, I'm still right about your lot. Good for nothing, only stealing what honest people worked so hard for. Now you bring drugs and harlots in here!?"
Dudley, not the brightest candle by a long shot, still got the distinct idea that mentioning that Potter was smoking his pot would be bad news. Instead of doing that, he quickly joined his father's band wagon.
"Yeah, you bringing drugs and whores to my family's place. Shame on you!"
Silently, he was mad and jealous because he had drugs, but never thought of paying girls to visit him.
Harry stood, drawing himself up to his full height… of roughly 5 foot 2. 'Being small sucks, I wonder if there is some potion to make you taller, better ask Hermione later.'
"Now listen, I've been reasonable so far. But I won't stand here and listen to you insulting my girlfriend."
He snatched the bra from Vernon's finger and handed it to Hermione.
Vernon had enough by now, pulling back his meaty hand, he let it connect with his nephews temple.
Harry fell to the ground, his ears ringing and his eyes going in and out of focus. Then he felt something give behind his forehead and heard a very loud scream inside his own head. Suddenly his vision cleared and he could hear normally again, just in time to see Vernon gripping Hermione's arm hard enough to bruise.
"Unhand me this instance you barely civilicised oaf!"
She was struggling against the strong grip. Getting up from the ground, Harry placed his hand on his uncle's, who let go of Hermione with a pained gasp. His skin had blistered where Harry had touched him.
"Two things just happened." Harry said with a smug smile. "First, I cracked wandless magic." He moved his hand over Hermione's bruising arm and healed it.
"You'll be expelled!" Vernon laughed.
"Funny, that's the second thing that happened. I also broke the trace on me. Accio!"
From the cupboard under the stairs, his wand shot straight into his hand.
"This sure is useful. Dear family, it was a pleasure spending the past few years with you, but like all good things it has come to an end."
On their way, Harry stopped shortly next to Dudley.
"I'm taking this with me, but you'll get what I owe you."
He held up the baggy with the rest of weed inside, as well as the bong. His cousin's face lost all color, as his parents eyes now fixed him.
Harry and Hermione collected his things from the cupboard and from his room and left No. 4 for good.
It wouldn't be until the 1st of September that he would reappear to the public.
Ron Weasley had a bad summer. Harry Potter had just upped and disappeared. He had attacked the family he lived with and fled. The order had been searching for him the entire time, but to no avail.
Now it was time to return to Hogwarts and he hoped that Harry would at least return there.
'Of course he will, being famous is great. Loads of people love him there.'
He had of course not read the newspaper and without Hermione there to keep him updated, he had not been as well informed as he usually would have been.
'Hmm, Hermione, she finally has grown some boobs. I think this year is my year, I'm going to make her my girlfriend and then…'
His musings were cut short, as he entered a compartment that not only housed the object of his affections, but also Harry bloody Potter, who looked like he had not a care in the world.
"Yo, what's up man?"
"Harry, bloody hell…" He looked over at Hermione, but she didn't even twitch. "...where have you been these past weeks?"
"A bit here, a bit there… I've come around a lot. Hermione knew most of the time, but no one bothered to ask her I guess."
"Wait here, I have to tell the others that you're here."
Ron was out the door before Harry could say anymore.
"Fuck!" Harry cursed. "Why do they all have to barge in at the most inopportune of times?"
Hermione folded the invisibility cloak and placed it beside herself.
"Once the train is rolling, it will quiet down."
Harry sighed, ate a weed brownie and prepared for the onslaught that was sure to come his way.
It was two hours into the train ride, Ron had left for the meeting of prefects, while Hermione hadn't cared enough to join them. Now the meeting was over and he entered the compartment.
Harry was looking out the window and Hermione was nowhere to be seen.
"Do you know where Hermione is? We're supposed to patrol the train."
"I just know that she's really busy right now." At the end of the sentence, Harry's face contorted slightly.
"Is she doing schoolwork already? We haven't even arrived at the bloody school yet. Are you feeling alright?" Ron asked seeing his friends face contort again.
"Hmm?...Yeah, could...could be school...ehhh… she could be doing this at school yeah...me...I'm great...uhhhh!" Harry's eyes crossed over slightly.
"Well, if you're sure. Could I borrow the invisibility cloak then? You know, spy on Malfoy a bit."
"I… ehhh… the...ahhh… Invisi...si...si...cloak...ehhh...no…" Harry had balled his hands into fists, putting them on the bench beside him.
'Maybe he has indigestion?' Ron thought, not really knowing what symptoms that would entail. "Okay, well later then maybe. If you see Hermione, remind her to do her rounds."
Harry was staring up at the ceiling with crossed eyes and gave his answer in a strangled gasp.
Ron finally left the compartment with a shrug and Harry felt his zipper being pulled up. Then Hermione took off the invisibility cloak and got up from the ground. She swallowed hard and wiped a droplet into her mouth with a finger.
"Wow, Harry, three times in a row, you sure are glad we took the next step in our relationship. I'd sure like to try and see if you get up to four, but I better go make my rounds."
She threw the cloak at him.
"On second thought, you should return the favor next time, don't you think?"
She scampered out the door, flinging up her skirt so he could get a good look at her panty clad butt.
As Harry sat in the empty compartment, munching on another brownie, he mused about the implication of Hermione's statement. The sudden tightness of his pants shocked him.