*Disclaimer: I own, what else, nothing of Gainax or NBCUniversal.*
Prologue - Shinji Stands Up
[Suggested audio: The Theme Song]
Shinji Ikari was standing on a small stage in front of a brick wall in a small comedy club. He was wearing a blue collared shirt, a gray sport coat, jeans, and sneakers. As soon as he picked up the mic, he started his routine.
"In my humble opinion, one of the more underrated denizens of the animal kingdom is the hedgehog. You know, small spiky creature, tiny snout, every girl goes 'D'awwww, so cute!' over them?"
*Audience chuckles lightly.*
"I mean, it's funny how such small creatures found themselves in the popular eye in a couple of the least likeliest of fields that couldn't be more different from one another. On the one hand, one thinks of 'hedgehog' and immediately brings to mind Sonic-y'know, blue, wears red sneakers, runs super fast all over the place? Think about it, a hedgehog is one of the most famous faces of video games. Not a gopher, not a woodchuck, not even an opossum. Of all the small mammals or rodents of the world, the hedgehog is considered prime video game mascot material. They must have a pretty good agent."
*Another round of small chuckles from the audience.*
"Now, on the other hand, the hedgehog's a unique animal in that it's probably the only animal that has a dilemma named after it. A dilemma, people. If you were that self-conscious, you'd be worried about being associated with a type of dilemma. So, what's the deal with the 'hedgehog's dilemma'? Well, apparently it's applied to theories about introversion and isolation. Freud talked about it a lot. Basically, the hedgehog's dilemma goes hand in hand with issues of intimacy. Say you're a group of hedgehogs in winter, and you want to stay warm by sharing body heat-but you're all worried you'll hurt each other because you're covered in quills. [Moves to one side of the mic stand.] 'Yo, move a bit closer, I'm freezin' here-OW! What'd you do that for?' [Moves to the other side.] 'Hey man, don't look at me, it's how we're built!'."
*A few small laughs erupt from the audience.*
"I bet this makes things kind of awkward when the holidays come around and you've got a family dinner to go to. You walk in the door, your relatives come out to greet you, but you always get poked or pricked every time you hug. Forget grandma pinching your cheeks, you gotta watch out for her pointy hugs! And it's not just you on the receiving end, 'cause grandma gets an equal treatment too! 'Why hello, dearie, so good to see youOWCH!' 'Sorry grandma, I'm really glad to be hereYIPE!'"
*More laughs erupt from the audience.*
"Now if you think hedgehogs have it rough, boy oh boy are you wrong, 'cause their fellow quill'd critters the porcupines have it even worse..."
Yep, what I'm doing here is an anthology of the cast of Evangelion getting the Seinfeld treatment. Hopefully you'll like the hilarity that'll ensue. For example, what do you get when you put the Angels in "The Contest"...?