A/N: Before you go any further into this decrepit domain, let me say one thing: I AM NOT A FAN OF YAOI! NEVER HAVE BEEN! NEVER WILL! But I still felt a sick need to make fun of it. I personally don't have anything against people who read it and I respect your rights to enjoy it, I just happen to find the details rather disgusting. So don't take it too personally when I blatantly insult your fandom (though I know some of you will anyway. I find it funny how many people will leave reviews like "that was disturbing" even though I warned them MULTIPLE TIMES in the summary and A/N's) If that hasn't scared you away already, tread slowly into the perverse creations of my demented mind.
Disclaimer: Aww! Do I have to? Okay, you pulled my finger. Inuyasha's not mine hears a chorus of "Thank God's" from the cast.
Sesshoumaru and Miroku
Miroku woke up from one of his better dreams.
A slim, feminine figure was lying, skin-bare in bed next to him, twisted sheets hinting at much more intimate activity. His head pounded suspiciously, and he didn't remember having enough sake at dinner last night to intoxicate him, but who was the hentai houshi to pass up such obvious good fortune? With a content sigh, he turned in the sheets and felt corded muscle along the bicep. He grinned in his sleep. Muscular arms could only mean one thing, Sango. Not that he would have minded if it had been the random woman he was use to, but nothing brightened up a day more than waking next to your not-so-secret love interest. He smiled widely, draped a hand casually over her chest and gave a not-so-subtle squeeze.
Now, Miroku may not have been exactly the most pious monk around, but he did have his standards when it came to bed partners. One of which required the woman to at least have SOME form or other of cleavage. Just how drunk was he?
That question was answered when a very masculine groan emitted from the warm body, followed by Miroku becoming painfully aware of regions of his body which should not have been sore. He opened his violet-blue eyes warily, already having come to his own conclusions privately. Upset would have been an understatement when he found they were correct.
Long white hair pillowed around them, forming a soft cushion that Miroku would have found much more inviting if the owner had been female. But no, he, Miroku "the pervert" Houshi just had to be stuck in bed with Lord Sesshoumaru, youkai ruler of the Western lands, and he certainly did not find their current position appealing in the slightest.
The effeminate man beside him stirred, groaning from what Miroku suspected was a pounding headache similar to his own. His nose twitched twice at the scent of the young human male laying next to him. One word left his lips.
"Yes, you seem to be doing that a lot lately," Miroku shot sarcastically, obviously not feeling enlightened by the experience. Sesshoumaru opened dangerously flashing amber eyes and proceeded to stare down the contemptuous monk.
"Not another word, human, unless you wish me to remove that which makes you a man," Sesshoumaru sneered, an embittered scowl twisting his features.
"Oh, believe me, it feels like you've already done that quite thoroughly," Miroku scoffed back, distress over his current predicament far outweighing survival instincts at the moment.
"Hey Miroku you ready to get," the door slid open to reveal a dog-eared hanyou, his classic scowl twisting into a look of shock and disgust as he barely managed to finish his sentence, "going?"
"Is something wrong, Inuyasha?" Kagome's head popped over his shoulder, her features contorting as she muttered, "Not again."
As far as Miroku was concerned, only one thing could possibly make the situation worse, and she appeared next to the way-too-obvious couple, Kirara perched on her shoulder. Maroon eyes widened.
"So much for dispersing that ominous cloud," Inuyasha deadpanned with an I-knew-your-karma-would-catch-up-on-you-someday look. Shippou trotted into the room behind them yawning. Kagome eeped and reached over to cover his eyes, futile as the action was. Miroku didn't miss the kit's awed exclamation of, "Whoa! I didn't know two men could do that to each other!"
Shippou's innocent comment, coupled with Sango's horrified expression, was enough to send our lovably-victimized monk over the edge. He leapt off the bed (exposing both occupants in the process) and ran to the center of the room. Pausing dramatically for effect, he lifted his cursed hand (coincidentally, the only covered appendage on his person) palm facing inward. A solitary tear leaked from the corner of his left eye, mysteriously stopping mid-trickle as it rounded the perfectly hollowed contour of his pale cheek. The painful screech of a criminally un-tuned violin filtered through the air from outside: making the feudal residents halt to offer a prayer of mercy for the dying animal and leaving Kagome alone to wonder just how the Hell a violin ended up in 16th century Japan anyway.
"I can not go on!" Miroku bellowed at last, a shaft of sunlight penetrating the screen to frame his hamlet-esque figure. "Goodbye cruel world! I now move on to better things. KAZAANA!"
"Damn it, Miroku! Wait!" Inuyasha shouted as he rushed in from behind, grabbing the rosary before our tragic hero--- uh--- sidekick/companion could fully remove it. An inevitable battle for dominance ensued.
"Just let me die, Inuyasha!"
"C'mon, Miroku! Think about this!"
"I don't want to!"
"Then stop being so fucking impulsive!"
"Impulsive!" Miroku shrieked. "I just got butt-raped by a gender confused poodle the size of Ferdinand the Bull and you say I'm being impulsive!"
"Now, now. This isn't solving anything, guys," Kagome attempted to defuse the situation while being pointedly ignored.
"Did he just call me a 'gender confused poodle'?" Sesshoumaru blinked, seconds shy of cracking his knuckles.
"Well--- then why don't you do something!" the schoolgirl fumed, frustrated at her lack of progress.
"And what, pray tell, would be the point of that," Sesshoumaru heaved a cliché sigh as a piano solo inexplicably floated around the chaotic room. "I want him dead as much as he does."
"Butt--- raped?" Sango muttered, effectively breaking the tension between the two. Realization finally hit and her face briefly flashed through all the colors found on a Christmas tree. "T--- then--- that's how--- OH GOD!"
"Is something the matter, Sango?" Shippou asked with genuine concern.
"T--- that's how they do it," she whispered fearfully, her skin settling on a puke-ish shade between red and green. "It's just--- Oh My God!"
"You mean you didn't know that?" Kagome sweat-dropped. Then again, she thought, it was probably going to take a few more generations of in-breeding to birth the yaoi fandom.
Shippou cocked his head quizzically between the innuendo inclined females. Suddenly, his mouth flopped open like a fish and his pallor flushed to match the exterminator's. The kit made a hasty exit upon processing the newfound information, clutching his trouser bottoms firmly as he scurried out the door. Kagome just barely made out his fading scream from down the hall.
"I'll never use the bathroom again!"
The modern girl released a deflated sigh, wondering off hand just how much therapy the poor boy would need to get over this whole ordeal. The way things were heading, the group was going to have one seriously screwed-up kid on their hands. Kagome just hoped he wouldn't still be blaming them when he was two-hundred years-old.
The image of an adult Shippou traveling to Germany, sitting on a couch recounting his life story while Sigmund Freud sat in a corner blindly diagnosing sexual repression as the cause of all his woes, sent her into a fit of hysterical giggles. Sesshoumaru stared at the two (one doubled over with laughter, the other wailing like a banshee) and came to the logical conclusion that human women were insane.
"Let go, Inuyasha! Must you deny me what little dignity I have left?"
Sesshoumaru immediately turned his attention to the more entertaining, and surprisingly less disturbing, antics of his brother and the suicidal monk.
"Dignity?! The way you scam innkeepers and chase women I wasn't aware you had any!" Inuyasha shouted, obviously beginning to lose his patience.
"Another man violated me! I want to die!"
"Oh for the love of--- and why am I the one who always ends up holding you?" the hanyou threw his arms up in disgust. "Screw this! Sango can handle your pansy ass!"
Miroku flinched at the words 'screw' and 'ass,' sliding to the ground as soon as Inuyasha let go. Rocking his knees back and forth on the hard wood floor, Miroku did the last thing anyone expected of him.
He cried like a pink-haired chibi.
"Houshi-sama!" Sango called out, moved by the arching waterfall of his tears. She ran to his side immediately and wrapped her arms around him reassuringly. Somewhere in the not-too-far-off distance, a lone acoustic guitar strummed in on an E minor chord. "Don't cry, Houshi-sama! You'll always be a pure soul in my eyes."
"Sa--- Sango-sama," the monk hiccupped, returning her embrace without hesitation. "Oh, Sango-sama! I don't deserve you!"
"Of course not. You can't keep your hands off anyone else," Inuyasha grumbled before being soundly whacked over the head by Kagome.
"Be quiet, Inuyasha! They're having a 'moment.'"
"Yes, now! You never know when the mood will hit after all."
"You and that Goddamn 'mood.'" The hanyou mumbled.
"And this is exactly why you don't get any," Kagome sighed. Inuyasha turned to her, mouth agape, watching in shock as the girl slapped a hand over her mouth. "I mean--- I--- you didn't hear that!"
"Do those two like each other?" Sesshoumaru asked, pointing to the other pair in the room. Much as his brother's density and the girl's flustered reaction amused him, their conversation was heading in a direction he definitely didn't want to be present for.
"Uh--- yeah, they do," Kagome answered, being the first to come to her senses. "But they're always at odds because Miroku happens to be a codependent pervert and Sango's as naïve as a cloistered nun."
"Ah, I see. An unlikely pairing, but it works."
Miroku chose that particularly opportune moment to slip his hand down and give Sango's ass a nice, long stroke. The exterminator's face instantly slackened. By chance, she spotted his discarded staff nearby from the corner of her eye. The monk was too busy feeling her up to notice her reach for it.
"HENTAI HOUSHI-SAMA NO BAKA!" she hollered before bashing him over the head repeatedly with his own, over-compensated stick. Kirara (who had remained decidedly neutral through the entire affair) jumped to her mistress' aid and mauled the offender's exposed ankles.
"I AM RESTORED!" Miroku crowed triumphantly as he fell to the ground unconscious. The enraged woman continued to beat him senseless even after he fell. The other three simply watched in awe.
"That one never learns, does he?" Sesshoumaru remarked casually.
"Oh he learns, alright," Inuyasha snorted. "He's just fucking stupid."
"Amen to that," Kagome muttered as the show went on.
A/N: Yeah, I scare myself sometimes. I commend anyone who managed to make it this far through my sadistically twisted sense of humor.
Sesshoumaru/The last person you want to imagine in this position
Kudos to anyone who figures it out!