Title: Candy, Russian Butts, and Chihuahuas
Summary: Answering Java Obsession's Fan fic Halloween challenge. Takes place in season 4. Taylor has had another one of his "brilliant" ideas and is now holding Stars Hollow's 1st Annual Halloween Spooktacular Festival. It's full of all sorts of contests, but the most tempting is the Miss Halloween Spooktacular, whose prize is two tickets to see Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas. Of course, Lorelai wants those tickets. But, on the night of the festival, Taylor reveals a secret rule which leaves Luke as Lorelai's only hope to win. L/L.
Author's Notes: Um, not much to say. I'm a complete Java Junkie. While reading transcripts, I just skip to Luke and Lorelai parts. I'll try my best to keep it Gilmore like. Chaos will ensure, I guarantee it. Oh, I saw Cirque du Soleil not to long ago. Words can't describe how excellent it was!
Disclaimer: I own nothing. It all belongs to Warner Bros. and the people who created to series. I just use the characters in my sick little mind games. Oh, and Jude Marshall and Pierre belong to me. If you wish to use them, then just ask.
Feedback: Yes please!
"Rory!" Lorelai called weakly as she waddled out of her room. She hated working on Saturdays. Rory, meanwhile, was in a deep sleep that she planned not to wake up from. She now attended Yale and was constantly driving back and forth between New Haven and Stars Hollow.
Suddenly, her eyes shot open as she heard a bang. Rory rolled over to see Lorelai started rubbing her head. Apparently, she ran into a wall. Lorelai shuffled to Rory's bed and layed next to her.
"Mom, you need to go to work." Rory said, not moving. Lorelai groaned.
"I'm playing hooky." Rory sighed.
"Fine, but then Michel would find out and you wouldn't get a paycheck and then you couldn't buy your male nudie magazines." Her mother flung her hands in the air and shouted,
"I'm up, I'm up!" Lorelai toppled out of Rory's bed and onto the floor. She pulled herself up to her feet while muttering something about what she was thinking when she allowed Michel to be in charge of the paychecks. The eldest Gilmore leaned over to her daughter and whined,
"Rory, get up. If I can't sleep, then you shan't either!" Rory pulled her covers over her head and groaned. Lorelai sighed and quickly walked out of the room. A minute later, she returned with something in her hand. Lorelai pulled the covers off of Rory and sprayed her with cold water! Rory screeched.
"Okay, okay! Give me a minute to get dressed!" Lorelai smiled and happily walked out of the room.
The Gilmore Girls walked the streets of Stars Hollow in the direction of Luke's. All their pop-tarts had gone stale and they recently ran out of Lucky Charms. Both of them observed the orange and black decorations that were now being put up. Lorelai observed a large jack-o-lantern.
"Jackson was weeping as we cut it." A voice said. Lorelai and Rory jumped and turned to see Taylor in his electronic wheelchair. He was wearing a "Cosby sweater" which made him seem balder than ever. Lorelai then cracked,
"Greetings, Taylor. What's with the wheels?" Taylor gave a heavy sigh, observing his condition.
"That hooligan Jude Marshall thinks it's funny to send his vicious dog Pierre on me just because I didn't approve of his green spiky hair! Now I'm bound to my chair while that evil, maniacal beast walks free!" He explained. Rory looked confused. She then stated,
"But Taylor, the Marshalls have a chihuahua." Taylor looked at her in disbelief.
"That dog was harbored by Lucifer himself!" He exclaimed. Lorelai then retorted,
"Huh. And all this time I thought Pierre was just trying to sell me tacos." Taylor just shook his head and turned around and began shouting at the workers. Lorelai and Rory shrugged their shoulders and went into Luke's.
"Very sexy hat, Luke. But I can't help but think that I've seen it before." Lorelai said as she and Rory sat at the counter. Luke turned to them and noticed Lorelai's shirt.
"Charlie Brown, huh?" He replied. Lorelai looked at her own shirt. It was a tight orange t-shirt with Charlie Brown and Snoopy doing the Snoopy Dance.
"It's funny that you noticed them, on account of they're on top of my boobs." She observed. Rory giggled.
"Luke was looking at my mom's boobs!"
"Stop it." He quickly said. Luke had started to blush a deep red. Rory turned to Lorelai.
"If he was looking at your boobs, then that means that he was having naughty thoughts about you." She told her. They erupted into giggles.
"I beg you to stop." Luke told them. Lorelai faced him.
"Oh, I see. Are we interrupting your x-rated fantasies?" She questioned.
"If you stop now, I'll throw in two extra coffees with your order." Luke offered. Lorelai slapped her hand on the counter.
"Done!" She shouted. Luke then turned to the coffee pot. Lorelai then stated,
"If you give us free chocolate donuts, we won't talk about your nice, firm butt." Luke sighed heavily.
"For here or to go?" He asked. Lorelai and Rory smiled at each other. Rory then said slyly,
"We want chocolate donuts here and we want some to go." Luke groaned. He then placed a few donuts in front of them. Lorelai and Rory then started eating the donuts.
"The Marshalls' dog attacked Taylor. He's now in his wheelchair." Rory said. Luke turned to them.
"Brave, very brave indeed." He said under his breath. Both Gilmores looked confused.
"Taylor?" Lorelai questioned. Luke formed a disgusted look on his face.
"No! Pierre. I'm surprised that Taylor hasn't called the FBI on him yet for not wearing a leash." He enlightened. Luke then placed the coffees in front of them. The Gilmores raised their cups in the air.
"To Pierre; May the rest of his days be good ones." Rory proclaimed.
"And to Luke's butt; Without whom, we would never get free donuts." Lorelai continued it. Luke quickly turned around and snapped,
"Hey, hey! I'm giving you free donuts so you wouldn't talk about it!" Lorelai scoffed at him.
"Be proud of your nice, tight butt, mister!" She replied. Lorelai and Rory then clanged their styrofoam cups together and took a sip from them. Luke then placed a bag of donuts and the two free coffees in front of them.
"You're a saint, Luke." Rory said as she grabbed the donuts.
"With a nice butt." Lorelai continued after she seized the coffees. Luke gave a heavy sigh. He could handle one Lorelai, but as Rory grew up, she was becoming more like her mom. And Luke certainly couldn't handle two Lorelais.
As they walked out of Luke's, Lorelai noticed an announcement which was hanging from Taylor's store. She walked over to it, Rory in tow. The paper read:
The 1ST annual Stars Hollow Halloween Spooktacular Festival will take place next Saturday, October 31ST. The Miss Halloween Spooktacular Contest will be held then and the prize is tickets to see Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas. Anyone interested please signup inside. Thank you- Taylor Doose.
"I must get those tickets." Lorelai said aloud. Rory read over the sign.
"You can dress up as something dirty." She commented. They looked at each other and giggled.
"Well, Taylor won't react as we want him to react. He's still pissed at Pierre. Hey, maybe Pierre could arrive in a bikini!" Lorelai remarked.
"A thong bikini!"
"They make thongs for dogs?"
"I don't know. I didn't even know if they make bikinis for dogs. But then Pierre could howl the tune to Candy Girl."
"Hehehe…Candy Girl. I think the only albums in Jude's room are by Rancid and NOFX." Lorelai said. Rory nodded her head.
"Yeah, you're right. Oh, Pierre could howl a Disney song!"
"Jude Marshall would let his dog howl to Disney tunes?"
"The other day, he was humming Under the Sea."
"Then we shall get Pierre to howl Tale as Old as Time."
"Or A Whole New World." Rory replied.
"Wow, we're so good at this. Maybe we could teach Luke that song."
"Or better yet, the Doom Song."
"We have much to learn from GIR." Lorelai commented as they walked into the store towards the signup sheet where the rules were. Lorelai seemed to qualify with all of them. The only downer was that she had to wear a costume. Rory handed her mother the pen. Lorelai then signed her name.
Lorelai and Rory walked into the inn, only to find Michel reading a French magazine. He looked up, closed his eyes, and gave a heavy sigh.
"Hello our Freedom Fri comrade. How goes France?" Lorelai asked. Michel continued to read his magazine.
"Not good. Apparently, all we're good for is wine and cheese." Rory then added,
"And candlesticks who seduce dusters in little kid's films." Michel raised his eyebrow.
"What is your daughter babbling about?" He inquired. Lorelai then replied,
"We're making you watching Disney films all today, Michel, so that tomorrow you can sing Be Out Guest." Michel looked at them with disgust and stated,
"You will do no such thing!" And walked away. Lorelai looked at Rory.
"Follow him and sing Be Our Guest to him." She hissed. Rory placed her hand over her head and replied,
"Aye-aye, Captain." She then ran up to Michel. Lorelai then heard the faint,
"Be our guest, be our guest, put our service to the test…" She smiled at this.
Lorelai then walked into the kitchen to see a very pregnant Sookie preparing orange and black cupcakes with little plastic spiders on them.
"Hey, Lorelai, do you hear someone singing Be Our Guest or is it just me?" She asked, not looking up. Lorelai stood next to Sookie.
"It's just Rory singing it to Michel."
"I taught her well."
"Well, indeed." Sookie finished. She then dabbed a few black sprinkles on each of the orange icing. Lorelai tried to stick her finger in the icing, only to be shooed away by Sookie. Just then, Lorelai heard something.
"Is that someone crying?" She asked Sookie. Sookie sighed. She then explained,
"Jackson has been sobbing all morning. When Taylor and his people came and got the pumpkin, they carved it right in front of him! Jackson treats each and every one if his products like his own child! And they just ripped out Edmund's guts right on our front porch!"
"That's what he named this year's pumpkin."
"Has Taylor no compassion?"
"He's probably still pissed at Pierre."
"Justin and Annie Marshall's chihuahua?"
"Mm hmm. When their son Jude took him into the yard, Taylor walked by and was frightened by Jude's hair."
"What does it look like this week?"
"Green and spiky."
"You can say that again. So Taylor insulted him and as he walked away, Pierre jumped the fence and attacked. Taylor's gonna be pulling a Speed Racer for the rest of the month."
"So he takes it out on Jackson? I'd like to give that man a piece of my mind!" Sookie said angrily.
"No, no, don't Sookie. I just signed up for the Miss Halloween Spooktacular Contest and you nearly killing him might hurt my chances of winning." Lorelai said quickly. Sookie gasped.
"You signed up for a contest? Oh Lor, I'll do anything to help you win! What's the prize?" She asked.
"Two tickets to see Cirque du Soleil in Las Vegas. I was hoping to bring Rory with me so we could see well-built Russians men."
"Vegas and Russians? Of course I'll help! It's a wet dream come true!"
"Not if you lived in 1950-1980 America."
"Yeah, true. But if you win, you must bring a digital camera and take many pictures of their butts."
"Yeah, and then we can print them out and bring them to Luke's and compare the Russian butts with his."
"Sounds like a plan."
"And a good one to boot."
"Also, when you get there, get drunk and give someone a lap dance."
"Can it be one of the Russian performers at Cirque du Soleil?"
"Your choice. You're the one who's giving the lap dance."
"What would the town do if they found out that I got knocked up by a Russian contortionist and was having his baby?"
"Then they would beg you for tickets on account of your baby's father will want to see his child in the audience and you will get them for free."
"Haha! Our plan has evolved into an even better one! We must beckon Rory. RORY!" Lorelai called out. A few minutes later, Rory emerged into the kitchen. As she walked to her mother and Sookie, she stopped and listened.
"Is someone crying?" She asked. They two inn keepers sighed.
"Remember when Taylor said this morning Jackson was weeping when they carved the pumpkin?" Lorelai asked. Rory nodded her head.
"Well, what if we told you that he never stopped?" She continued. Rory took in a sharp breath and muttered,
"Oh boy's right, missy! And I will refrain myself from attacking Taylor only for your mother's sake!" Sookie continued as she placed the cupcakes on a sliver platter. Rory looked confused.
"My mother's sake?" She questioned. Lorelai patted Rory's arm and said,
"Russian butts, babe."
"A worthy cause."
"Wait 'til we tell you the plan."
"You two came up with a plan?" Rory inquired. Sookie retorted while placing the platter on a cart,
"A damn good one if you ask me." Just then, a familiar voice called out,
"Cirque du Soleil is French, not Russian!" Michel walked into the kitchen, much to the dismay of everyone. And even more to their disappointment, Michel continued,
"My sister was in the Cirque du Soleil traveling Europe. She was the lead contortionist, which means she was better than those damn Russians! Anyways, she was performing in Madrid when it happened."
"She fell in love with a bull fighter, got pregnant, and then got real fat?" Lorelai asked. Michel gave her a perplexed look.
"When the show ended, my sister was walking to her room when a…a banana peel was in her path. Her foot and the peel itself collided and from there the fire of chaos was lit." He finished. The three women looked at each other. Lorelai commented,
"Damn banana peels." Rory continued,
"They must be stopped before they reach their most evil stage; decomposing." Michel gave them all an icy look.
"Fine, mock my family's pain! We are just the voices of candlesticks to you, anyways!" He spat. Sookie bit her lip to restrain herself from laughing. She then asked him,
"Tell me, Michel. How is she doing?" Michel then away a little, his cheeks turning red.
"She will return to the stage next week in Belgium from a three week absence due to a sprain ankle" He quickly answered and walked out of the kitchen. Once the door closed, they all began laughing.