This story is going to be a little graphic. It will contain a lot of rape flashbacks-specifically sexual abuse. It will contain after-effects of it, and this story really won't be for the faint of heart.
TW/CW: Abuse-Physical, Sexual. Cutting, Social Anxiety
Carmen sat across her therapist, lost in thought. This was one of those weekly sessions that she hoped would one day cure the bitterment, resentment and the aching hole within her as she thought about the monster. The monster who had managed not only steal her virginity, but made her feel broken, helpless and weak most of all.
The monster named father.
"Here's the important question. How many times have you gotten nightmares?" Dr. Maia Thompson asked, as she pressed her pen to the paperwork.
Carmen pursed her lips at the thought of them. Her crying thinking that her father was there with her in the bed.
Every creak in her apartment thinking that her father was there about to rape her again. Ready to pound into her, ignoring the cry that Carmen gave him because it hurt. He never waited to adjust to his size, only thrusting in, ripping her from the inside out.
Carmen pursed her lips as she thought about lying or telling the truth. The truth that the Dark scared her, and she can't go to bed without thinking that he would be there. Or the lie-it was getting better, and she had only them twice maybe three times a week.
But as always, Carmen chose the lie. It was a lot easier than to see the pity in their eyes. The judgment because she couldn't fight off him and feeling like she was a freak for being damaged goods.
"I think that wraps up the session. Unless you have any questions or concerns that you have?"
"Nope." With that, Carmen stood up and walked out of her therapist's office. The voice already whispering things to her like usual. You know the therapist is judging you. She may not show it, but your file says it all. She's probably laughing behind your back thinking you're the most pathetic person.
Carmen quickly got outside, noticing a couple talking to each other. She paid no mind to them, only wantin to go back to her car and head back to her apartment.
That couple, who's talking to each other. They're thinking that you must be broken for going to therapy. Or maybe your period came early and now you have a huge blood stain in the back of your pants. Carmen closed her eyes for a second, wishing that the voice in her head would stop, but she knew it wouldn't. It never did.
Carmen managed to get to her car and mentally collected herself before starting the car and leaving. Turning down the radio to the point where she could barely hear it. She didn't want anyone judging her by her choice of music, so she made it low as possible.
Twenty minutes quickly passed, but Carmen got to her apartment. Something that should have taken her ten minutes tops took a little bit longer due to traffic. But she was home. A place where she couldn't get judged.
Carmen came to the kitchen and made herself some of Mom's favorite (Mac and cheese, mashed potatoes and corn).
As she waited for the water to boil, Carmen thought over how much her life sucked after getting out of high school. She could still remember the graduation the monster gave her. How much he was drunk that night, gave her more bruises than normal but the pain that would follow. No. She wouldn't remember it.
Later, Carmen sat on her couch with the TV blaring in the background, her phone in hand trying to muster up the courage to talk on the phone without feeling ridiculous.
It took a bit, but she was able to muster the courage and dialed the number she knew so well. A friend that she knew so well back in high school, but lost touch quickly afterwards, right after high school.
Lila went to a college that wasn't in Miami and Carmen stayed in Miami getting beaten until her boyfriend at the time showed up a few minutes later, announcing that he forgot his phone and walked in on a half-dressed Carmen with bruises lined on her torso after her father saw her boyfriend in the house and Jack leaving in a hurry.
She didn't know whether she should be grateful for what followed or not; Jack called the police, the police arresting her dad, taking her to the hospital to find the extent of the damage. But how much she was treated like damaged goods afterwards sucked.
She was the pity looks especially in Jack who she broke up with him soon afterwards. She didn't love him as he did to her. She didn't feel the need to kiss him. Didn't had any need to be in a relationship like that, but it was Lila who hooked her up with him.
Sure, Jack was cute. His black hair and his dark brown eyes and his Korean accent was cute, but she didn't see anything romantic about him. Lila was the one that perused her into asking him out to know what the experience of dating was like.
Carmen grimaced as she remembered some of the memories that came with it. Some that she never wanted to face again.
"Quit being so pathetic, Carmen. It's just a phone call," she told herself, her finger about to hit dial. She knew in her head that nothing was ever just one simple thing. A phone call was one of those things that was so easy, yet so challenging.
After a few minutes of trying to muster up the courage, she finally decided too. The phone picked up after a few rings, she heard a sigh on the other heard before the caller said something.
"Hey, Lila…" Carmen started unsure where to start next.
"Carmen? I thought you forgot about me. It's been what six, seven years since we last saw each other? Ever since I heard that your dad got arrested. I was hoping you'd call me but never did," Lila rambled on, Carmen smiled softly as she heard her friend's familiar voice.
She took a deep breath before interrupting Lila and her rambles,"I was wondering if I could spend time over where you live now. Maybe for a few weeks maybe longer?"
"Of course! I'll text you the address. I live in Washington now, in a small town called Forks but I'll text you the address!" Carmen nodded, forgetting that no one could see her actions, she said okay.
Relieved after having a conversation with Lila, she set the phone down and was now trying to figure out a way to see if her therapist would approve of this.
I was hoping to get this story after finishing AHOG first, but things happened. I swear I will get updates to that, before I turn my focus on this story, but stuff happened. If it wasn't clear, Carmen suffers from social anxiety. She describes it as a voice like I do with mine and it tends to overcontrol her thoughts. Carmen is also on the asexual and aromatic spectrum but she isn't quite on the aromantic and asexual spectrum.
Let me know what you think of this start, and I'll see you next time and hopefully updates might come out sooner.