Love Hina – Felony Assault

Fanfic by Steven Biggs

Chapter Four – Case Closed

Wednesday Night

[They all sit there, pictures of innocence. Yet each one is equally guilty of destroying the one they love. These are the hardest cases for me. Love turns to destruction, and everyone loses.]

"It is clear to me that all of you, to varying degrees, are responsible for this act of violence against someone that you claimed to love. Not able to have him completely for yourself, you decided to destroy him so that no one else could have him. I will call for a full investigation team to scour this resort to find where you hid the body. Each of you will be placed into custody pending a preliminary hearing by the magistrate. You have the right to remain silent. You have the right to have an attorney present during any further questioning. Does each of you understand?"

[I though that I had it all figured out. Everything fell into place. But then, HE walked in the front door.]

"Do they understand what?"

[I turned to the door. A young man entered, his shirt and pants torn and a twig stuck behind his left ear.]

"And who are you sir?"

"I'm Urashima Keitaro. I'm the manager here. What's going on?"

[As the man approached the couch, he tripped and fell. As he reached out for support, he grabbed the skirt of Miss Maehara, dragging it to her ankles. Miss Aoyama stood.]

"You vile, lecherous, deceiving, betrayer! Unhand that girl! SHINMEI SCHOOL SECRET ARTS! ROCK SPLITTING SWORD!"

[It appeared from her blade. What it was, I don't want to know. It struck him head-on and threw him into a support beam, almost ripping it from its moorings. He slid to the floor AND STOOD UP!]

"I'm sorry! It was an accident!"

[This man, who should have just been killed, took two steps and tripped again. He landed face first between Miss Narusegawa's breasts.]

"You PERVERT! Get out of there!"

"N-narusegawa! I'm sorry!"

[This slim, gentle looking girl punched him. He sailed over the couch and through the back wall. We could all hear him splash into the hot spring. A few seconds later, HE WALKED IN THE BACK DOOR, STILL ALIVE!]

[I turned to moved towards the front door. As I slid it open, that turtle was hovering there. It raised a flipper to me.]


[I risked a look back. I wish that I hadn't. Su was wielding a remote control and directing a mechanical turtle to chase Keitaro. Every few seconds, a fireball would burst from its mouth to engulf him. Every time, he got back up and kept running. Kitsune would catch his attention by flashing her breasts at him. He would freeze, blood gushing out of his nose. While immobilized, Motoko would hurl him against another wall with her sword. Naru would follow up by kicking him into the dinning room. Shinobu fainted on the couch when Keitaro stood up from one of his attacks and caught his face under her skirt. This started everything all over again. AND EVERYONE WAS SMILING THE WHOLE TIME!]

[My name is Friday. I'm a cop. I'm sitting in a Japanese bar getting drunk. I want my mommy!]

The End.