Disclaimer: Slayers is not mine. I wish it were. Sucks to be me. The characters aren't mine, especially any cameo characters, of which, there will be many. I'm not making money off this . . . in fact I'm losing money. I could get a little monkey with a fez and make him dance on the street corner, instead I'm writing this. I hope you're all happy that you've ruined my monkey dreams. And no, I'm not serious. I'm never serious. Seriousness is a disease.

Also, go read my fiance's fic. Modern Day by Ukchana. It's better than mine. Also it has Xellos, Filia, and Valgaav running amok in the modern world; carnage and destruction insues. Oh and it's about as smutty as you can get on this site without being beaten with sticks.




Chapter One: I wish I had a monkey with a fez.



Lina: "Lina Inverse here! We're all ready to start another adventure, we just need three or four more things!"

Gourry: "Bocce Balls?"

Lina: "No . . . "

Gourry: "Food?"

Lina: "Yes . . . but we can't eat the items I'm talking about . . . well . . . we could . . . but then we'd have to up the rating on the story."

Gourry: "So what is it?"

Lina: "Side characters!"

Filia: "Miss Lina, we are not side characters!"

Xellos: "That's right! We're co-stars!"

Amelia: "Making us out to be side characters is very unjust."

Lina: "Would you rather be eaten?"

Zelgadis: "I hate you all."

((()))

"Dammit, all I want is one cup of coffee! But there isn't any, is there?!" Zelgadis paced frantically across the campsite. "Why isn't there any coffee?!" he asked mockingly, "because someone here decided they needed a little 'pick-me-up' on watch last night!"
"Uhhh . . . Zel, have you ever considered decaf?" Lina spoke quietly as she started to edge backwards. He's only gotten worse ever since we joined up with him again . . .
Throwing his hands up into the air, the chimera bellowed loudly enough to disturb a small flock of birds. "Decaf?!?! I NEED caffeine!!!!"
"Why don't you just drink the tea, Zelgadis?" Gourry cheerfully offered up a tarnished tin cup from his place at the fire. "It's Earl Grey, it's got whatchamacallit in it." Innocently oblivious to his friend's anger, the tall swordsman added another log to the flames.
"Calm down Zel . . . the last thing you need right now is more energy . . . " Trying to settle him down was getting more and more difficult ever since Lina had declared that Seyruun was their next destination.
"I really can't do this . . . I can't go into a big city like Seyruun . . . .it's too dangerous for someone like me." Zelgadis whirled around dramatically, hoping that his forcefulness would win him the final word.
"What are they gonna do, Zel? Burn you at the stake, guillotine you . . . stone you to death?"
I used to get the last word all the time . . . but that was with Radimus and Zolf. Zelgadis sighed heavily. Why can't Lina be more Zolf-ish?
"Hey . . . wouldn't that stuff just bounce off your rubber skin?" Gourry scratched his head in concentration . . . and then deeper concentration as he tried to remember what rubber was.
Viciously, the tiny redhead slammed her fist into the swordsman's head, "Gourry you moron, it's rock, not rubber . . . His skin is stone . . . like a statue! Uhh . . . .oh, sorry, Zel."
Sighing Zelgadis turned and stared into the forest. "It's alright . . . I don't blame you for . . . ." He chuckled slightly, without amusement. " . . . .I don't know, telling the truth, I suppose." Lowering his eyes to the grassy forest ground, he kept his back turned. "I'm a freak . . . a monster, a mistake. Maybe it's time I just accept that I have no future as a real person."
His depressed reverie was broken by a rock hitting his head. If I ignore her, will you make her stop? Zelgadis' silent prayer to Cepheid was interrupted by another rock hitting his head . . . this one slightly larger. Please?
"Uh, Lina . . . are you sure that's safe to lift?"
"Shut up, Gourry, I can pick up whatever I want."
The loud crashing noises behind Zelgadis made him smile just a little. I owe you one . . . Turning around, the chimera was greeted by an unusual and amusing scene. He didn't know how it had happened, but Lina was lying on top of Gourry. The sorceress' eyes were wide on her flushed face.
With a disinterested tone, the warrior looked into his friend's eyes. "I told you that you couldn't lift it." His eyes widened in shock as Lina's expression changed from fear to a fiery anger.
"You JERK! What the HELL do you think you're doing?!" Lina lifted Gourry by his collar. "How dare you take advantage of me like that?!"
"Huh? But, Lina, you don't have anything to advantage of!" The swordsman clutched at his collar, desperately trying to free himself. He froze when he saw the girl's red eyes shrink.
"What," began the sorceress in a frosty tone, "did you say?!" Angrily, the young girl released her captive, half throwing him to the ground.
Breathing a sigh of relief, the blond warrior pulled himself into sitting position. "That I can't possibly take advantage of you because you have nothing for me to take."
Zelgadis stepped back quietly, his cobalt eyes wide with fear.
"Uh . . . Lina?" Gourry asked concernedly, innocent face turned upwards towards his charge. Eyes narrowed the swordsman rose to his full height and squinted down at his friend's face, "Hey, Lina, are you alright?" He glanced at her hands, where the redhead was slowly bringing her hands together.
"Darkness beyond twilight . . . "

((()))

And so the days passed, and Seyruun grew ominously closer. Ominous for Zelgadis, anyways.
Where the hell is a Dark Lord when you need them . . . anything to avoid going into that city. Brooding, Zelgadis shuffled forward slowly, hoping that by shuffling, he could somehow manage to fool Time and never be forced to face those gleaming white walls.
"Names, and places of origin please." The guard's voice rang loudly, even more loudly for Zelgadis, who still held out hope that they were in the forest even though sunlight poured down on them from a clear blue sky.
"Lina Inverse, beautiful sorcery genius. This is Gou . . . " The guard's expression changed to pure fear. Looking behind her to make sure a monster wasn't sneaking up on her, Lina whispered to the guard conspiratorially. " . . . .what?"
"You're . . . Lina . . . .the abominable Lina Inverse?! The Dragon Spooker?!" The guard backed up nervously towards the stalwart white wall, his hand on his sword. "Lina Inverse, the Slayer of Children, the Evil Sorceress who slaughtered an entire village because they didn't have enough food to feed her?!"
"Aaaarrrrgggghhhhh!!! Didn't we already do this episode?!" Lina grabbed her hair and pulled angrily.
"Lina," Gourry began in a deeply concerned voice, "don't destroy the 'fourth wall'."
The chimera's eyes flicked across the gateway, taking in the expanding rush of spearmen and pikemen, their weapons glinting dangerously in the afternoon sun. "Ummm . . . guys?" Zelgadis tapped the shoulder of the quietly sobbing Lina. He groaned softly as small groups of crossbowmen and archers lined the walkway above them.
"Why?" Lina whispered quietly, hugging herself tightly. "Why am I always 'abominable'? Why I can't I be something else . . . just once?"
"Guuuys . . . ." Zelgadis' tapping grew more urgent as the city gates were shut behind the heavy cavalry that was forming up in front of them.
"I . . . I could be Lina Inverse Seductive Sorcery Genius . . . couldn't I?" Lina sniffed wistfully at the idea. "I'm beautiful . . . I'm gorgeous." Loud wailing quickly ensued. "There's no good reason why I can't be seductive . . ."
"Actually . . ." Gourry interrupted her sobs in a thoughtful manner, "I can think of two very good reason-Ack!" The sorceress' tiny hands clamped around his throat, clenching tightly.
"Shouldn't we be putting up a defense spell?" Zelgadis backed up slowly, staring suspiciously at the Seyruun forces arrayed in front of them.
"Dammit, Gourry! Why do you always embarrass me like this?!" Wrapping her arm around his head, she twisted his neck, forcing him to the ground.
"NOW is not the time to be flirting with each other!!" Praying to himself, Zelgadis added, Please, everyone, just leave me alone. Angrily, the shaman pushed the depressed thought away. You're getting sloppy, Zel. Slowly he brought his hands together and readied a shield spell.
"I give up, I give up! Lemme go!" Gourry's screams for mercy were cut off by a Captain of Seyruun's cavalry corp.
"Li-Lina Inverse, Gourry Gabriev . . . " the newly arrived horseman began nervously. "And Zelgadis Greywords . . . .I hereby call . . . .for . . . " The mounted Captain began to sweat nervously as he realized exactly what he was doing, and who he was doing it to. " . . . for . . . your surrender!" He flinched, certain that the demand would mean the end of him.
Straightening from Gourry's mangled body, Lina tried desperately to plead with the guard. "But we haven't even done anything destructive for over a month!"
The gruff voice of the shaman shattered the redhead's concentration. "Yeah, like that'll work . . . "
"Shut up, Zel." Lina threw her hair back and smiled at the stunned officer. "Let my charms work their subtle ways."
Groaning Gourry sat up and mumbled, "We are soooo dead."
"In the name of the Crown Princess of Seyruun," the Captain declared loudly, trying to gain his confidence back from the earlier shock. " . . . I . . . insist that you surrender to her judgment." Why aren't I a pile of ash right now?
"Crown Princess?!" Standing straighter, Zelgadis clasped Lina's shoulder and whispered, "Something's not right here, I think we should play captive for now."
Lina turned around and clutched at Zel's shirt. "Are you nuts?! Do you remember what happened the last time we got captured in this city?!" Her fierce whispering pained Zelgadis' sensitive hearing.
Calmly, Zel corrected her. "No . . . I wasn't in that episode, remember?" He glared down at her hands on his tunic, eyes narrowing. "Would you stop that?"
"Fourth wall! Come on guys, knock it off!" Gourry pleaded to them from the dirt-packed ground.
"Fine . . . whatever!" Lina angrily unbelted her sword and threw it to the incredibly surprised guard.
"Uh . . . thanks!" The Captain smiled gleefully, grateful that he had cheated Fate.
"But I don't wanna give 'em my sword!" Gourry clutched his weapon desperately.
"It's alright Gourry . . . you can just give them the blade . . . a sword hilt isn't any danger, is it?" Zelgadis calmly gave his sword to another guard.
"Huh? But that's not rig-" The ever-truthful Gourry suffered a elbow to his stomach. "Huuuuggghhh . . . " Coughing, the swordsman tried to straighten from the blow. "Jeez . . . L-Lina, your arm's almost as bony as your hips."
"Gourry! You take that back!" Lina head-locked Gourry, twisting to force him down to her height.
"What are you talking about? It's not like I told you how flat-chested you are. Owww!"
"Miss Lina?" A soft voice called out from the crowd. "Mr. Gourry?"
Lina removed her knee from Gourry's ribs long enough to spot a small figure in royal white step through the crowd. "Amelia? Hey, Amelia!" Lina stepped on Gourry's head on the way to say hello to the princess. "What is all this? Why are you trying to arrest us again?"
Amelia walked slowly to Zelgadis, whose back was turned.
"Heeeey, Amelia! Huh? Aren't you even . . . oh . . . " Lina grew silent as the shrine maiden stepped quietly to the chimera.
"Hey, why'd everyone get so quiet?" Gourry twisted to get out from under Lina's foot. "Oh . . . hi, Amelia, it's been a while!"
"Gourry, shut up!" Lina stomped the blond's head back into the dirt.
"You never wrote . . . " Amelia whispered softly to Zelgadis, her quiet voice tinged with sadness.
"I was never near a mail carrier . . . " Zelgadis turned slightly, trying to avoid any sight of her. I wish she'd given up on that stupid crush.
The princess took a half-step, bringing herself back into the chimera's sight. "I was worried about you . . . "
"You didn't have to be, I know how to handle myself." The cobalt-skinned man closed his eyes, hoping that if he couldn't see her, she'd disappear.
"I know . . . but I still worried." Even without sight, the shaman could still imagine the lines of the girl's face.
Sighing at the failed attempt at self-delusion, he conceded to continuing the conversation. "How have you been?"
A bare ghost of a hopeful smile crept onto the young woman's face as she spoke. "Fine . . . you?"
Crossly, the blue-skinned man stared to the side of the shrine maiden, refusing to look directly at her. "I feel like I'm going slowly insane, and that sooner or later my inner rage will erupt and destroy everything close to me . . . "
"Oh . . . " Eyes falling to the ground, Amelia brought her hands together, fidgeting nervously.
"ZEL," yelled Lina as she continued to abuse her protector, "KNOCK IT OFF ALREADY!! Just say hello and get on with it!"
"Ummm . . . Hello." Zelgadis hung his head, still refusing to look at her.
"Hi . . . ." Continuing to stare at the road, the aquette wrapped her arms around herself.
"Uh . . . Ma'am," the Captain raised a finger nervously from his horse, "shouldn't we be . . . uh . . . a-arresting them or someth - OW!"
Lina stood over the downed Captain, a smug look on her face, then grabbed his shirt, whispering fiercely, "Quiet, you jerk, they're having a moment!"
"Yeah . . ." Gourry added from where he was lying on the ground several feet away. "But what kinda moment is it?"
"Mr. Zelgadis? What's wrong?" Amelia closed the distance between them as Zelgadis suddenly clenched his fists and fell to his knees. A choking noise emerged from his throat as he gasped for air.
"Huh? . . . Uh-oh." Lina leapt forward grabbing Amelia from behind. "Get back, Amelia, everybody get back!"
A white-blue wisp of smoke started to collect around Zelgadis, circling his hunched over figure. Zelgadis clutched at himself, trying to tear his skin from his bones. An inhuman shriek followed by the sickening crunch of his stone skin beneath his grasp caused the shrine maiden to jump in shock.
"Oh hell! It's never been this bad before!" Lina shielded her eyes as the cloud of smoke grew to a white light.
"Zelgadis!" Amelia's anguished voice rang out as she saw crimson blood flow from his self-inflicted wounds. "Oh Cepheid! Miss Lina, what's going on?!"
"I'll explain later!" Lina shouted over Zelgadis' cries. "Amelia, we need a defense spell, and we need it now!"
"But what about Mr. Zelgadis?" Tears began to well up in Amelia's eyes as Zelgadis' screams became more painful.
"I know, Amelia, but if you don't put up a shield, we might not be able to help him." Lina's voice quieted as she looked down at her friend. "I'll reinforce your spell."
Staring worriedly at the chimera, Amelia raised her arms, then threw them to her sides, crying out, "Balus Wall!"
The greenish-hued barrier leapt into existence a bare moment before the white light around Zelgadis changed into an inferno. The fire swept the along the ground, blazing in all directions at once. The Seyruun soldiers not directly behind the shield turned and fled before the flames reached them. The fire slammed into Amelia's shield with a force beyond what normal brushfire would possess. It's not really fire, Amelia thought, partly in relief for the scattered soldiers lives. It's . . . it's unfocused magic . . . what is happening to Mr. Zelgadis?
"Amelia, pay attention!" Lina's voice broke Amelia from her train of thought. "It's not like I can hold against this by myself!" Jerking slightly, Amelia recovered from her shock and put more focus into her spell.
The chimera's white energy flowed into and around the shield, washing over the edges and away from those behind it. And as suddenly as it had begun, the blaze died, leaving only a battered and beaten Zelgadis upon the once-grassy ground.

((()))

"Miss Lina, I think he's coming around!"
Zelgadis' eyes opened slightly at the sound of the Seyruun princess. Damn, he thought as a tired sigh flowed from his mouth. I half wish I'd died from that. Would've made things a lot easier for . . . hey! Struggling to sit up, Zelgadis pulled at the leather straps that held him down. "Amelia, what the hell is going on?! Why am I tied down?!" He clenched his arm muscles and yanked upward, trying to tear the adjoining strap apart.
"Calm down, Mr. Zelgadis," Amelia started nervously, splaying her hands in front of her. "Miss Lina thought that you would be . . . angry . . . when you woke up, so she had me tie you down."
Glancing around him, Zelgadis brought his eyes back to the princess', "And who's idea was the sign?" he asked, flicking his eyes above.
Amelia glanced nervously at the words "Hazardous Materials" above Zelgadis' head, hanging from the wall. "Well . . . uh . . . Mr. Gourry pulled it out of his backpack. He said he's been 'saving it for years, in the likely event he would need it'."
"Calm down Zel, it's for your own good." Lina's voice was strained as she sat down on the other side of the bed. "You know that the last time you flipped out on us you were still pretty violent for awhile." Crossing her legs she leaned over and looked at her restrained friend's eyes. "Hmmm . . . looks like they've gone back to normal . . . "
"Normal, Miss Lina?" Amelia's voice cracked while she wrung her hands.
"Yeah, usually when he does this his eyes go all white. While they're like that it's almost impossible to calm him down." After staring down at his bored expression and continued lack of struggling for a few moments, she continued with her explanation. "Afterwards, when the white coloring is gone, he's okay . . . "
"But, Miss Lina . . . " the younger girl interrupted, "what is wrong with Mr. Zelgadis?"
"Y'know Lina," Gourry started in, "I've been thinking, and you know what?"
A curious looking Lina leaned back from Zelgadis and turned to face her swordsman companion. "What, Gourry?"
"Well, it seems to me," the blond pondered aloud, "that the main issue is this."
"What's the main issue, Gourry?" the redhead asked, wondering if her friend had hit on one of his rare moments of lucidity.
Raising a finger for added effect, the swordsman stated loudly, "The main issue is that something's wrong with Zel!"
Crashing to the floor in shock, the two girls stared at their friend in disbelief. From his strapped down vantage, Zelgadis called out to them with a barely restrained anger, "You tie me down and leave him to roam free? I have no idea which one of us is more insane."
Pulling herself up to his bedside, Amelia began loosening Zelgadis' bonds. "Oh, come on Mr. Zelgadis, it's easy to figure out. I mean, Miss Lina is the only one of us who's ever destroyed a city . . . "
"What did you say?" Lina asked in a dangerously quiet tone as she stood up from the other side of the bed.
At the sound of her voice, Amelia jerked and chuckled nervously. "Oh, nothing," she intoned while waving her question aside. "I was just saying that Mr. Zelgadis' problem is such . . . a . . . pity! Yeah, that's all!"
"Pity, huh?" Lina cracked her knuckles loudly, "What a coincidence that pity is what people who call me insane need the most." Narrowing her ruby eyes, she glared at the slowly retreating shrine maiden, "Don't you think that's funny, Amelia?"
"Y-yeah, Miss Lina!" The princess laughed worriedly as she backed towards the doorway. "That's a r-really funny similarity . . . why don't I go and . . . share this really funny coincidence?"
"Enough . . . " Zelgadis' voice sighed tiredly. "Lina, stop goofing off, there's no time for this nonsense." Letting out another breath, the shaman continued in a lower tone of voice. "I'm being possessed."