Chapter Thirty: The Fantastic Six
Word of advice. Don't hang out with the Fantastic Four. Because chances are, if you did, you'd end up having to fight off aliens from an alternate universe whose bodies are affected by our laws of physics in screwy and loopy ways...as our Friendly Neighbourhood Spider-Man had found just now.
Peter punched this lime-green alien guy in the face as it stood on an upside-down hoverboard. The whole invading alien squad were held upside-down by upside-down hoverboards, upside-down boat things, and upside-down jetpacks. Spidey watched the alien fly backwards due to the might of his punch, and gradually fall upwards into the sky. The thing shrieked and dribbled like one of those terrifying screaming goats. And yes, the dribble fell upwards as well.
"Uh. Reed. This is weird." Peter muttered, fighting back the urge to vomit into his mask. Hangovers were not fun, even if you were Spider-Man. Especially if you had to fight aliens that day.
Mister Fantastic, brilliant scientist by the name of Reed Richards, slapped a couple of the aliens away with his stretchy-ass hands. He weaved in and out of the attacking upside-down extra-terrestrials who were also firing off beams of hard-light after him. Reed bounced from enemy to enemy as the battle raged far above the ground. He shouted to Peter, "These beings, the Polarites, seem to be repulsed by gravitational forces. They're being pushed away by Earth's gravity instead of being drawn in...! Quite fascinating. As you'd remember if you actually attended your college lectures, our laws of physics don't necessarily apply to other universes."
Spidey pulled himself through the air and slammed into another alien, who dropped his hard-light gun. It, like the dude who had the misfortune of being punched in the face by the Spectacular Spider-Man, arced up into the blue sky.
"Thanks for that. Shouldn't we try to catch them before they, I dunno...fall out of Earth's atmosphere?" The wall-crawler asked as he dodged some incoming energy blasts.
The Invisible Woman, who was seated in the incredible Fantasticar zooming about in the air, projected several force bubbles around Spidey, protecting him from the incoming attacks as she answered, "Their vehicles seem to automatically home in on their riders whenever they're thrown free. They'll be back soon enough."
The Fantasticar is a thing. And contrary to popular belief, it wasn't actually a car. It was like a flying car, I guess. It was a flying car spaceship thing with four seats in it. Of course it had four seats. What do you think this is? You think the Fantastic Four would have a car with five seats in it? That doesn't make any sense.
"Well, ain't that convenient?" Growled an orange, rocky Thing as it punched a giant upside-down spaceship. He stood on the nearby rooftop of a skyscraper, beating down on any Polarite stupid enough to get close. "What's tha plan, Stretch? We gonna dance with these topsy-turvy tosspots all day or are we gonna send 'em back where they came from?"
Johnny Storm blazed a path through the chaos, taking a second to relish the sight of Spider-Man being drenched in alien dribble. "I dunno Ben. This is kinda fun." He quipped, flinging a fireball at a crowd of slobbering Polarites.
"Oh God, it's dripping up." Peter cried, flinging his arms about like one of those inflatable wavy dudes that every single used-car dealership in the world seems to own.
Reed's voice called through the noise, "I made some adjustments to the device that resulted in their accidental arrival here. It can now induce a singularity leading back to their universe and keep it stable long enough for us to clean this all up. It needs to charge for a moment longer."
Peter's eyes widened in shock, allowing him to be socked in the face by a Polarite's punch. Surprisingly, an upside-down punch feels exactly like a normal punch. Who'd have known? "Hold the phone; a singularity?! Wouldn't that destroy the entire planet?"
The webhead roundhouse kicked his attacker in the throat, swung free of several other incoming hard light projectiles, and instantly regretted his acrobatic actions when he felt his stomach gargling.
"Well...under normal circumstances, yes. However, this singularity is going to be operating under their physical laws; it'll pull them in, and push us away." Reed explained further.
"Oh, of course. Silly me." Spidey sighed.
Science was his thing. Ask anybody. But this wasn't really the science you'd learn about in college or high school. This was weird frontier stuff. Reed Richards was on a whole different level when it came to theoretical physics. Well to everyone else it was theoretical, but to the Fantastic Four, they'd experienced most of it already.
We now return to Marvel's First Family, the Fantastic Four, joined by the Incredibly Hungover Spider-Man as they drive back the ruthless, uncoordinated onslaught of the blood-crazed Polarite rage lords, who are usually actually quite polite and engage in frequent trust-building yoga exercises.
Peter managed to hurl himself onto the Fantasticar, sticking to its underside in order to give himself a chance to breathe for a minute. "Good job Peter. You're totally not embarrassing yourself in front of Reed Richards right now." He whispered pathetically to himself. "Just...drink the vomit again before it leaves your throat."
"Not looking so Amazing today, bro." Chimed Johnny, who matched the Fantasticar's speed as he shot through the air. He was engulfed by flames, something that Peter would actually like to see him be if he weren't fireproof. "Rough night?" Johnny asked.
The Irritable Spider-Man massaged the bridge of his masked nose as he waved a hand dismissively at the guy. "Leave me alone."
"Dude. You're so hungover. Didn't even know you drank."
"J-Just...shut up for a sec. I can't even hear myself think..."
Johnny's brow tightened. "Bro, did you get laid?"
"W-What? N-No! Even if I did, it's none of your business!" Peter hated lying. That was why he was so darn bad at it.
The Human Torch squinted vigorously. "I have a sixth sense when it comes to this stuff, man. You totally got laid."
Eventually, the voice of a very reasonable woman cracked through the banter. "Uh, boys? Alien incursion here? Care to contribute?"
"Peter's hungover, Sue. And had sex with someone." Johnny answered.
Peter hissed like a snake that had just been stepped on at the mention of his personal life. "Dude...!"
"Johnny, stop being a dick and shoot these Polarites." Sue snapped like an angry mother.
"Alright, alright, geez..." Johnny groaned, breaking off and intercepting a handful of Polarite marauders.
This left Peter in blissful solitude as he wrangled the overwhelming urge to lose what little he had for breakfast. He muttered to himself, "Looks like they have it under control, Peter. Maybe just...sit here for a bit so you can talk to yourself like a drugged-up lunatic."
"Are you alright down there?" Sue called, very obviously able to hear every single word he had just said.
Peter climbed up the side of the Fantasticar, tumbled into one of its remaining three seats, sprawled across it like a corpse, and groaned heavily. "Am I dying? Is this what dying feels like?"
Sue shook her head with a smile as she blasted some incoming Polarites with energy projections. "I happen to know a remedy for this kind of thing. As soon as we're done here, you're coming home with us."
Peter might've been happy to pay another visit to the FF's personal headquarters, the Baxter Building, if he were conscious enough to comprehend what the hell was going on.
Meanwhile, Mister Fantastic slammed a button on a handheld device that he...well...held in his hand, and with a shrill snap, crackle, and pop, a hole was torn in the very fabric of our universe. The majority of the snarling Polarites, standing by on the deck of their warship, were sucked into the throbbing, shapeless singularity. About five remained, managing to pull free of the whacked out reverse gravity with help from their hoverboards.
Sue cupped her hands around her mouth and called, "Honey, you missed a couple!"
"Sorry, sweetheart! They seemed to have plotted an orbital trajectory, thus escaping a direct intercept with the tear...all we need to do is decay their vectors."
Ben Grimm laughed as he clenched his fists. "Why didn't ya say so? Leave it ta me!" The Thing launched into the air and swung his gigantic arms outward, ploughing into three Polarites at once. The alien beings were thrown into the dimensional tear as Ben landed once again on the skyscraper.
Johnny snapped, "You're not meant to understand any of that. We're both meant to be the stupid ones."
"Watch yer mouth, kid. I used ta be an astronaut. Kinda needed ta know a little physics for that. The only stupid I'm seeing around 'ere is on fire."
"Just tell me what Reed wanted us to do, rocks for brains."
"Punch them towards the space-time hole." Peter moaned from the back-seat of the Fantasticar.
With a shrug, the Human Torch smirked. "Okay. I can do that." Johnny and Ben both leapt into action against the remaining Polarites as Reed continued fiddling with his doodad in order to sustain the portal.
A shrill voice suddenly bombarded Peter's ears, causing his brain to vibrate within his skull. "Oh my God it's Mister Incredible!"
Spider-Man shrieked like one of those terrifying screaming goats, rolled off the seat and tumbled onto the floor. Sitting right next to him was none other than Protonslaught.
"...It's Fantastic." Sue corrected, trying to be polite despite the fact that a stranger just appeared on the back-seat of her flying car.
"I know, right? And you're Elasti-Girl!"
Peter finally managed to pick himself up from the floor as he said, "What the hell are you doing here?"
Protonslaught cocked her head. "Alien invasion." She whistled, pointing at the Polarites.
"Since when do you do alien invasions?"
"Since now, asshat."
Sue cocked her head as she continued steering the Fantasticar through the mess of Polarite hover surfers. "I don't think I've met this new lady friend of yours, Spider-Man." She quickly glanced over her shoulder at Protonslaught with a sweet smile. "Hi. Susan Richards."
Sue's face twitched as she turned back to the front. "Isn't that...lovely?"
Protonslaught leaned over the edge of the vehicle and gazed downward at Ben Grimm, who was throwing debris at some hostile aliens. "Ew, what the hell is that thing?"
"Aw Ben, she knows your name!" Johnny quipped.
Grimm snarled. "Yer gonna have ta do better than that, matchstick. I've heard it all at this point."
Protonslaught leapt into the air, floating like a little blue bird as she zipped over to Ben and Johnny who were attempting to wrangle the last few Polarites. "Oh yeah, sticks and stones, am I right?! Am I right?!"
Johnny cackled in response. "Man, do I love a girl with a sense of humour!"
"You love any girls, Johnny. Especially tha ones who need a couple more brain cells." Grimm said, shaking his head.
Protonslaught slammed into a Polarite soldier, clutching it by the wrists. Suddenly, both beings vibrated quite intensely...then fell downward, towards the Earth. The woman managed to catch herself in a hover. The Polarite though, landed face-first on the skyscraper by Ben's feet. He slowly pushed to his feet, peering up at the sky like a lost puppy.
"Incredible...you've inverted his atomic properties...forced his body to conform to our universal laws of physics!" Reed proclaimed.
Upon seeing this strange phenomenon, the other Polarites froze in mid-air. They looked at each other, then back at their grounded friend. Seconds later, they all whizzed into the dimensional tear quite willingly. The remaining Polarite screeched at the sky like an angry chimp before he was knocked unconscious by a swift 'bonk' on the head by Ben.
"Is that...is that good?" Protonslaught mused.
"It is for us." Ben grunted, hauling the terrified alien over his shoulder. "Not so much for him. His little noggin's still tryin' to acclimate to his new point of view, if ya know what I'm sayin'."
"You didn't happen to do this...on purpose?" Reed asked with a curious expression on his face as everyone landed atop the nearby skyscraper to avoid having a conversation across a few dozen feet.
Protonslaught shrugged and nodded confidently. "Yeah. Yeah, of course it was on purpose. I wasn't just...trying to kick him in the balls or anything."
Mister Fantastic strolled over to Sue, who had disembarked from the Fantasticar. Reed wrapped an arm around his wife's shoulder as he cocked his head at Protonslaught. "Then you wouldn't have any problems with returning him to his original state, correct?"
Protonslaught hesitated. And at that point, Spider-Man popped up from the backseat of the Fantasticar to mutter aloud, "Reed, she doesn't even know who Stephen Hawking is."
"Oh shut up, jizz-hands man. I know him. Stephen Hawking's Pro Skater 4 is my favourite PS2 game, idiot." She snapped back.
Johnny spent the whole time just checking her out, uncharacteristically not really saying anything at all. However, if he had actually been paying a shred of attention, he would have been glad to know that someone else had also gotten Tony Hawk and Stephen Hawking mixed up.
Reed nodded slowly, denoting his confusion. "Right...so a visit to my lab, it is."