JUROR, Mahuika Jewel, Tide Honey, Lim Lau, Chili Floss, and Keerthi Ahir were all standing still inside a locked room. The room was completely dark, as well as large enough to produce a galloping echo whenever someone spoke. Chili couldn't see anything.

Only Mr. Bucket was walking around, since no one else wanted to melt.

"Again, everyone, I do apologize," shouted Mr. Bucket, who was far away from the others. "This is not at all how I was hoping to begin the tour. And I don't think I need to repeat myself, but please do not touch the walls. I do not want any of you to be lit on fire right now."

"Or ever," added Keerthi.

"Sure," said Mr. Bucket.

"Wait," said Lim. "Before you said that we would melt if we touched the walls. Melting isn't the same as being lit on fire."

"Shut up," said Chili.

"Well," said Mr. Bucket. "It's both, actually. In this room, there are more than ten million buttons on the walls, and each of them does something different to the person who presses it. One button makes you explode, and one lights you on fire, and one covers you in very delicious vanilla acid that makes your skin dissolve on contact, and one pushes a licorice spear into your throat, and so on."

"Why would you have a room like that?" asked Keerthi. "You don't really want to hurt people, do you?"

"Heavens no," said Mr. Bucket. "I hope you haven't been listening to all those terrible people who like to spread all those lies about me. You create one bioweapon that ends up inadvertently starting one measly world war and people today never let you hear the end of it. But no. I would never want to harm anyone."

"Liar," said Chili. "You wouldn't have this room if you didn't."

"Why," said Mr. Bucket, "That is ridiculous. This room is for personal protection."

"The drones aren't enough?" asked JUROR. "I find."

"The drones can be extremely helpful," said Mr. Bucket. "As some of you can personally attest to. But as amazing as they are, they aren't enough to protect my wonderful chocolate factory. We live in a world with many smart and capable people, and I'm sure many of them are grublespacked to get their hands on my inventions. Because of that, I had to design my factory very carefully. There are several ways to leave this factory… but only one entrance, and it is carefully protected, as you can see."

"I can't see anything," said Tide. "I thought that was the point. It's darker than the bottom of a trench in here."

"No," said Mr. Bucket. "It is much darker. Every surface inside this room is coated with Wonkablack."

"Wonkablack?" asked Keerthi.

"Yes," said Mr. Bucket. "One of my favorite inventions. I was reading the newspaper one morning and they mentioned that someone had invented a material that absorbed 99.965% of light. It was caliginous! It was dimdratty! It was tenebristastic! But still, I thought to myself. Only 99.965? I knew I could do it better, and I had to! So I packed as many chocolate microfibers as I could and mixed it together with a long list of very toxic but no less tasty ingredients, and soon I had done it! Wonkablack absorbs 99.9999999994% of light! You couldn't find a darker dark anywhere outside of a black hole."

"Sure," said Lim. "But how do we leave?"

"There is one button that doesn't incinerate or decimate or obliterate or destructicate us," said Mr. Bucket. "I am going around right now and placing my finger on each button to try and recognize it by feeling. The one I am touching now, for example, would mechanically replace all the bones in our bodies with rock candy."

"Please do not press it," said Keerthi.

"Fear not," Mr. Bucket. "I will only press the button that leads us forward. And to apologize for the delay, I will allow each of you to ask one question, which I will answer."

"One question?" asked Chili. "That's it?"

"Yes," said Mr. Bucket. "Only one. Now, for the other five?"

"Go fuck yourself."

"If you had told me an hour ago, maybe, but not now."

"Do you vape?" asked one of the six children who knows it could have been anyone.

Chili smelled grapes.

"No," said Mr. Bucket. "I don't vape. Do you, Mahuika?"

"I vape," she answered, vapingly.

"Amazing," said Mr. Bucket.

Lim spoke next.

"Why didn't you put my name on the website? When I won, you put question marks instead of my first initial. Was it because I wasn't born yet?"

"No," said Mr. Bucket. "When I was young, everyone at school called me Starving Cabbage Soup Lad, which I disliked. A bully even went and sent in false paperwork to the government having it legally changed to that, which only made it much worse. I didn't want to list anyone's legal name if they didn't want to be called by it, so I sent my PicoWonkites into your brains and looked up the name you wanted to be called the most. At the time, you were too busy enjoying Chopin to have picked a name so I didn't include your first initial."

"Bullshit," said Chili.

"Yeah," said Lim. "I don't like Chopin."

"Sure," said Mr. Bucket. "All of my science must have been wrong. I'm not the smartest man on the planet or anything. Thank you for correcting that."

"Stop it," said Tide. "I hate sarcasm. It's so inlandish."

"That isn't a proper question," said Mr. Bucket. "When you ask a question where the answer is expected to be yes or no, your intonation should change when you mention the auxiliary verb. There was no change in pitch in your voice as you spoke, so I could not possibly be expected to know what you intended on asking about. You must stress what is needing to be stressed."

"It wasn't even a question," said Tide.

"That isn't any better," Mr. Bucket. "And even if it was, don't be greedy and try to snatch up two."

"Do you have any good advice for me if I want to stay safe while I'm here?" asked JUROR.

"Yes," said Mr. Bucket. "Tie your shoes."

"I meant good advice as it specifically applies to being inside your factory," said JUROR.

"It is," said Mr. Bucket. "You might trip on something."

"That isn't what," said JUROR.

"I vape," said Mahuika.

"No, Mahuika. It's Keerthi's turn. She can ask her question, and then I will press the button that will either send us into the next room or painfully squish our bodies into malt balls."

Alive silence filled the room. Chili realized that she was trying to be careful about what she asked, so he told her what to say. Everyone else did too.

"Ask him why you are such a useless moron."

"Ask him."

"Ask him if he is open to considering the idea that the Ocean may in fact be god."

"Ask him why he likes making up stuff about me liking Chopin."

"I vape."

"Mr. Bucket," Keerthi finally said. "Why did you hold this contest?"

"The answer is simple," said Mr. Bucket. "Okay, everyone. I'm going to press the button now. If it does turn out to be the malt balls, I apologize in advance for killing all of us. I can promise that in case that happens we will at least be very delicious."

"Wait," said Keerthi. "You didn't answer the question, and you promised that you would."

"I promised that I would give you an answer," said Mr. Bucket. "I never promised that it would be truthful or good or satisfying or helpful. An answer is only a reaction to a question. I reacted, so that was your answer."

Chili heard the sound of a button being pressed, followed by gears turning.

"Oh," said Mr. Bucket. "I'm pretty sure those are the malt ball gears. Sorry, everyone."

The floor beneath Chili opened up, and they all fell down.

W

"Good news, everyone," said Mr. Bucket. "Those were not the malt ball gears."

They had all landed on a pile of cotton candy pillows in a room that was much smaller and brighter than the one they had been dropped from. The top of Lim's Taranturoo almost touched the ceiling. The walls were made of wood, and a small fireplace quietly roasted in the corner. It resembled the office a lawyer might have.

There was one door. On the wall opposite to it hung a giant piece of paper. It was a contract. The words were too small to be read by human eyes, and there were seven blank lines underneath them.

"I read about this," said Keerthi. "Both of them mentioned it. He made them sign a massive contract before they entered... but it doesn't make any sense here. You own the country, Mr. Bucket. You make all the laws. We couldn't sue you if we wanted to."

"Shut up," said Chili.

"Again, this is only for my personal protection. I don't want any of you getting all whiny later on. Now please sign on the dotted line, if you would. Use big letters."

"The line isn't dotted," said Tide. "But whatever."

Tide picked up a pen off the desk and signed her name.

TIDE HONEY

"Idiot," said Lim. "Signing something you didn't read."

"There must be a million words on that monster. Look. It's his country, his rules. If he wants to kill us, he'll do it, contract or no contract. That was a risk I was willing to take. Ocean will protect me."

"Thank you," said Mr. Bucket. "But please do not sign your name like that. You are using the pens wrong."

"What? How do you want me to sign?"

"I will show you."

Mr. Bucket took another pen off the table and jammed it hard into his index finger. Blood began to run down his thumb. He took it and spelled out his own name on one of the lines in big letters.

STARVING CABBAGE SOUP LAD

"I thought you didn't like that name," said Keerthi.

"I don't. But this is a legal contract, and we must all use our real names. And blood. It is very important that we use blood while signing our names. This is a blood contract."

"Why don't you change it back?" asked Keerthi. "You are an autocratic king. Surely you could change your name back if you wanted to."

"I am much too busy," said Mr. Bucket.

"But you would only have to say it," said Keerthi. "Then it would be law."

"Again, very busy. But thank you for the terrible legal advice. Now please hurry up and sign."

Tide Honey took her finger and sliced it against a sharp point on her helmet, creating a small cut. Mr. Bucket winced. With it she resigned her name in the same spot with blood.

Keerthi signed the contract next. She used a pen to cut open her finger. Chili hated watching how long it took for her to draw out the smallest possible amount of blood. He had wanted to see her injured, but much more seriously and at a much faster pace.

KEERTHI AHIR

"Wonderful," said Mr. Bucket. "Wait. Baby. What are you doing?"

The four black triangular eyes of the Taranturoo were shooting out a green light that was scanning the contract.

"I am having Taranturoo analyze the contract and abbreviate to me what is important. It will only be a moment."

The light turned off.

"There we are," said Lim. "Let me see... Okay. Not surprising. It's literally all gibberish."

"Gibberish?" asked Keerthi.

"Most of this isn't even real words," explained Lim. "Half of it is a list of prime numbers and a guide on farming and preserving cucumbers that he translated into binary. The other half is a lengthy scientific paper about something called a "Sudanese Blister Beetle" that he took and translated between German and Italian about fifty times over until it became unrecognizable, and then he just copied and pasted the result."

"Um," said Mr. Bucket. "Well. Shut up."

"Not that it matters," said Lim, "But I have no problem signing it, that being the case."

Lim held up his claw to the contract, which sprayed out a concentrated line of red mist that spelled his name.

LIM LAU

"Taken from my heel," said Lim.

Mahuika went next. She burnt the tip of a finger with her vape pen until it bled, not letting it cauterize.

I VAPE

"That isn't your legal name," said Mr. Bucket.

"I vape," she said, crossing out her last answer and trying again.

MAHUIKA JEWEL

Chili went next. He used his teeth and tore at his thumb.

CHILI FLOSS

"No," said Mr. Bucket. "Your legal name."

"That is my real name. I'm Chili Floss," said Chili Floss.

"No, it isn't. It isn't your legal name and it isn't even the name my Wonkites detected you wanting to be called. Chili Floss is a silly ridiculous pretend name you made up," said Mr. Bucket, who was once given a chocolate factory by a man named Willy Wonka.

"My name is Chili Floss," said Chili. "I don't have another name."

"Maybe he can change it," said Keerthi.

"Shut up," said Chili, turning to her. "And die. You are useless and I hate you and we all hate you."

"I was only trying to help," said Keerthi.

"Don't," said Chili.

He turned back to Mr. Bucket.

"This is a made up country and you are a made up king. So I am going to change my name legally. I hereby change it to Chili Floss."

"You can't!" exclaimed Mr. Bucket. "The law is not that simple. There is an official process for changing your name, and you wouldn't be allowed to do it anyway."

"Why not?" asked Chili.

"You aren't a citizen of Wonkaland. You are a citizen of either America or England," said Mr. Bucket. "You can only change your legal name in a country you are a citizen in."

"How do I become a citizen of Wonkaland?" asked Chili.

Mr. Bucket grumbled. "You have to ask me."

"Make me a citizen of Wonkaland."

Mr. Bucket sighed and angrily pulled a passport out of his coat pocket before tossing it at Chili.

"There," he said. "Congratulations. Please remember to pay your taxes."

"Now, what is the process for changing my name?"

Mr. Bucket sighed again. "You have to say it five times in a row and touch your nose with your pinky finger."

Chili did so, legally becoming Chili Floss.

"There," said Chili.

"Wait," said Keerthi. "Please make me a citizen of Wonkaland too."

"I'm sorry," said Mr. Bucket. "Due to a massive influx in immigration, we are not currently accepting applications for naturalization."

"But you let him do it," she said.

"That was before the population doubled," Mr. Bucket explained.

"Don't let her in," said Chili. "I don't want my tax dollars going to leeches like her."

Keerthi frowned.

"And last of all, JUROR. Go ahead, JUROR. Please signed the contract," said Mr. Bucket.

JUROR looked at the line where his name would go and frowned.

"Um," he said.

"Yes, yes," said Mr. Bucket. "The purposes of art. But I need you to do this and finish, or you will not be allowed to continue your tour. You must write your name."

JUROR looked away from the contract and frowned.

"You can't read," said Keerthi. "I remember your interview. You can't write either, can you?"

JUROR shook his head.

"Well, a shame," said Chili. "But we shouldn't waste anyone's time. Mr. Bucket is busy. Bye JUROR."

"No," said Keerthi.

Keerthi had JUROR stab his finger, and walked with him to the paper. With her own finger, she mimicked the way he needed to move in order to write down the letters.

Chili hated her. She was helping JUROR, not because she wanted to be nice but because she knew it was going to annoy him.

It took a minute, but it was soon finished.

JUROR

"No," said Mr. Bucket. "That won't do. It must be his legal name. I am sick of saying it."

"Has the naturalization process opened up again?" asked Keerthi.

"No," said Mr. Bucket.

They began work on JUROR's full legal name. He said it multiple times, and they worked to write it down. JUROR could only say his name, and Keerthi had trouble with the spelling, so she did her best to guess when directing him on how to write it.

It took eight minutes.

JEXSIMIL UCKSIO ROCKA DEH OZODBECK REVELLEZ

"No," said Mr. Bucket. "That is not his legal name."

They tried again. Due to all the time it took for JUROR to copy her and squeeze extra blood out of his finger, it took another eight minutes.

JECKSIMMEL OOKZIO ROAKAH DAH OZODBACK REVELAS

"No," said Mr. Bucket. "That is also not his legal name."

They kept trying. Each time they did it took another eight minutes and JUROR had to open another finger, and Chili got angrier.

JACKSIMAL UOIXIO ROCA DI OZODBAK REVELESS

JECK-SIMIL UCKZIOH ROCEH DES OZODBEK REAVELOS

JEXZIMEAL OKIO WROKIO DEEAE OZUIDBAEIOUCK REVALESZSZ

"She isn't even trying anymore," said Chili. "She's only trying to annoy us. Can we cut this short? He can't sign the contract, so he can't come on the tour."

"He is trying," said Mr. Bucket. "Until he signs it correctly or gives up, I will let him continue."

"Again," he said. "She's doing it to bother us."

"I'm trying my best," said Keerthi. "I'm not super familiar with these names. I don't think anyone here could do this, though."

"Liar," said Chili. "Die."

"I'm not-"

"No," said Lim. "You're a liar. And you are trying to annoy us. Me, specifically, I would assume, because you are wagering that I will get frustrated with your lack of progress, see both your terrible guesses and unwillingness to quit, and give you the right answer, which I do have saved on Taranturoo's hard drive, presumably out of a desire to show off my intelligence and/or continue on with the contest as soon as possible."

"Um," said Keerthi. "No?"

"Lie detection is messy and unreliable, but Taranturoo's picking up on all the signs that would confirm it, so I'm going to assume that I hit the nail on the head. Here's the problem with your situation: JUROR needs to sign this in his own blood. And he has less of that to give away than I do patience."

Chili hated Lim, but not as much as he did Keerthi, so it was fun to watch him call her a liar.

Keerthi stayed quiet for a long time. Chili saw clearly that she had given up, but right when he was going to tell her to die again, she opened her mouth.

"Wait," said Keerthi. "Mr. Bucket, does it have to be our own blood? I don't think you said that it does."

"Of course not," said Mr. Bucket. "I would never ask children to hurt themselves. I thought I made it clear with my example that you all were meant to have been stabbing me for ink, but you were all having so much fun with it I didn't want to interrupt."

"It buys you more time, but not enough," said Lim. "Even if you chipped in yourself, with all the possible combinations all three of you would pass out long before you guessed it."

"Oh," said Mr. Bucket. "Certainly not. As soon as I start to feel dizzy, I'll take one of my Wonka Bloody Butterscotches, which I always keep on my person for safety reasons. One nibble provides up to three times as much hematic goodness as a single transfusion! Coming soon in delicious type O nega-"

"Stop," said Lim. "Stop."

Lim printed out a piece of paper from his tail and let it fall to the floor. Keerthi picked it up, read it, and handed it to JUROR, who began to slowly copy it.

"Thank you, Lim," said JUROR. "You too, Keerthi. I appreciate."

"You're welcome," said Keerthi.

"I hope all of you die," said Chili.

"I vape," said Mahuika.

JEKSSIMIL UXIO ROCHA DE OZODBEK REVELES

"There we are," said Mr. Bucket.

The door leading to the next room opened. It was a slide.

"Onwards! Or downwards, really. It's all downhill from here."