Fair Warning and Aliens from Outer Space
Summary: A meeting turns otherworldly. Bonnie's not entirely surprised.
"Sally! Look, there it is! Can we go, can we?"
"For the last time, that's not my name on this mission."
"But it's what I'm used to calling you! Don't you think of me as Harry?"
"Well, yes, but that's irrelevant. It would be unprofessional to call you Harry."
"So? No one else is around! Come on, Sally."
"Alright, fine. Harry, we can't go to Earth. We don't have time."
"But it's right there! Let's pop down, see the old blue marble, and scoot back up before anyone notices. I know you miss it as much as I do!"
"Well...okay. But if I'm going back to Earth, I want the whole package."
"Hey! Snooty Chef Man!"
Rudy tried to keep walking. Bad enough he'd accidentally attended the same meeting as the tiny blonde waitress and her cohorts. Now one of those cohorts, the blonde amazon, was chasing him down.
"Hey, I'm talking to you!" Tammy ran ahead of him and blocked his path, her hands defiantly on her hips. "Didn't you hear me, Chef Man?"
"Everyone in a ten-mile radius heard you. I simply did not respond because my name isn't whatever you just said."
"'Whatever I said'?"
"I was trying to block you out. The exact words didn't register."
Tammy glared at him. "Look, I'm trying to be nice, you jerk. I saw you leave early and I wanted to make sure you were okay."
"I'm fine. Now if you'll excuse me..."
She blocked his path again. Fighting down the first inkling of intimidation, he put on the bravest face he could muster. "Your annoying curiosity has officially become harassment. Don't think I won't call the police."
Her instinct was to panic about parole, but Tammy refused to let him get to her. "Don't think I won't knock you on your ass."
"Is that a promise then?" He gave her a quick once over, for the first time noticing her curves.
"Oh, shut up and listen to me," Tammy snapped. "I know being forced to go sucks. I only went because I was in prison and thought I could score some snacks. But you should go back in there, even if you hate it. And don't leave the meeting because of us. At least if the meeting doesn't work, you can throw it in our faces at the end."
Her last argument held some appeal. Rudy didn't have anywhere better to go, so why not one-up the waitress? Besides, he might as well get his card checked while he was already there. "Okay, sure. One less time I have to come back to this hell hole."
"There you go!" Tammy exclaimed brightly. She grabbed his arm before Rudy could go back inside. "Oh, I had something else I wanted to settle with you."
"How is that possible when I don't even know your name?"
She stepped closer to him, decreasing the already-minimal amount of personal space between them. "It's Tammy. Listen here, Snoot. I heard about you from Christy. She already has a lot of crap to deal with and doesn't need your attitude on top of it. Be nicer to her."
"Oh, she takes everything so personally. Hasn't she realized yet I'm equally horrible to everyone?"
Tammy rolled her eyes. "Make. An. Effort."
"Not sure yet," Tammy said with an evil grin. "Fair warning – it will be inventive, unexpected, and detrimental to your overall health."
Rudy didn't get a chance to respond. In broad daylight, a bright blue light flashed in the sky, illuminating the only two people in front of the community center. Neither realized what was happening as two alien life forms took possession of their bodies.
"How amazing is this?" Harry Solomon exclaimed, checking out his new-old form. "What are the odds of these two humans standing right next to each other?"
Sally Solomon wasn't listening to him. Her eyes wide with delight, she stared down at her human features. "I have boobs again! Hello, girls! Mama missed you so much!"
Meanwhile, Bonnie and Christy crouched down in the community center entryway, the doors hiding them from view. They left the meeting soon after they saw Tammy take off after Chef Rudy. As much as they worried about Rudy, they were morbidly curious to know what Tammy planned to do to the pompous chef. Mother and daughter compromised by keeping watch. If Tammy physically threatened Rudy, they'd step in to save him...maybe.
That's how they witnessed something completely incomprehensible.
"What the hell was that?" Christy exclaimed. She charged out to the sidewalk, leaving Bonnie to trail behind her. "Tammy? Chef Rudy?"
Bonnie approached the two slowly. The blue light had stirred a long-forgotten memory, one she still couldn't grasp. Tammy and the chef weren't responding to them, distracted by...themselves, apparently. Rudy jumped up and down while Tammy examined her dirty sneakers with unmasked disappointment. "What are you two doing?" Bonnie asked.
Sally and Harry shrieked in unison, startled by the humans' arrival. "U-uh..." Sally sputtered. "That's none of your business, stranger. Keep it moving."
"Stranger?" Bonnie exclaimed in disbelief. "Tammy, what's going on?" Christy stared at them with equal confusion, unable to process what was happening.
Realization and disappointment dawned in Christy's wide eyes. "Oh my God, Chef Rudy, I'm going to kill you! Did you get Tammy high?"
"That's Sally, and I didn't get her high. Her human body was built that tall!"
"Shut up, Harry," Sally muttered under her breath, but not low enough to escape notice.
Bonnie tilted her head in confusion. "You made up names? Is this some elaborate sex thing?"
"Ugh," Christy whispered with a shiver of disgust.
"Ew, no!" Sally exclaimed, taking a large step back from Harry.
"I think I'm insulted by your reaction," Harry told her. Then he sighed and turned to the two humans. "Look, let me tell it to you straight. We're aliens from outer space who needed a couple bodies to inhabit for a little getaway. Sally and I were on a mission here a while ago and got nostalgic, you feel me right? Anyway, you know where we can get some good pizza?"
Sally raised an eyebrow at him. "How are we going to buy food? We don't have money."
Without hesitation, Harry reached into Chef Rudy's pocket and pulled out a wallet. "If I remember correctly, this thing is called a wallet, and it's supposed to have money in it."
"Sweet. Let's go."
"Wait!" Bonnie exclaimed, finally coming to her senses. Christy was still processing, her jaw slack, her eyebrows up to her hairline. Neither wanted to believe the outrageous story, but what other explanation could there be? Drugs or alcohol wouldn't explain the light, unless someone slipped them something too. At an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.
The aliens paused, forgetting they still had a problem to deal with before they went out for food. "Oh, right," Sally said. Since her old title had been Security Officer, she felt some obligation to neutralize the threat. On the other hand, she wasn't acting as an official Security Officer. And she didn't want to spend her entire Earth mini-vacation killing two humans. Really, what a waste of a trip. "Alright, here's the deal. We don't kill you, and you don't turn us in. I promise your friends are fine."
"Well, Rudy's not my friend, but okay."
Christy turned to her mother, her eyes still wide. "That's it? Aliens beam down from outer space, changing life as we know it forever, and you're okay?"
Bonnie shrugged. "I wouldn't call it life-changing. You know I was abducted, right? Considering how often I was drunk in corn fields, I'm surprised it didn't happen more often."
"Oh yeah, I thought you looked familiar," Harry said, giving Bonnie another glance. "Sorry, I think that might've been me. Ten years ago, right? Or was it twelve? They all blur together after a while..."
Sally sighed. "Look, we're wasting time. You two know any good places to eat around here?"
"Plenty, especially if Chef Rudy's paying," Bonnie assured her.
"Great! You two can show us around," Harry replied. "And I can make up for the whole abduction thing. Again, so sorry."
As they all began to walk off, Christy crossed her arms and glared at her mother. "If Chef Rudy wasn't paying, I'd be a lot more opposed to this."
"Relax, Tammy and Rudy are fine. If anything we're helping them by keeping an eye on the aliens."
Another beat passed while Christy struggled to accept the absurd turn of events. "Okay, one thing."
"We never speak of this again."