"How the Rockwaller Stole Christmas"
For the first of the two winter poems
That you're reading away or at your home
Just to let everyone know, the entire selection (including the intro) is in rhyme
This is to save everyone, especially Whitem, a whole lot of time
It is for his 10th Winter Writing Contest, so it'll be brief
I promise that I won't take any Fannies awards for this, or else I'd be a thief
It features Bonnie in such a grumpy Grinchy feeling
But Junior gives her an idea that is worth...how should I say...stealing
Let's see how it goes
Will they get away scot-free or get caught? Who knows.
The poem is rated T
As you can see
For some minor swear words (but including a gesture that is obscene)
So it is why is it suitable for those over the age of 13.
And humor that is (briefly) crude
And for the snark in Bonnie's 'Queen B' attitude
Kim Possible is created by Schooley and McCorkle and (c) by Disney
This is to (hopefully) prevent the Mouse's lawyers from getting all in a suing tizzy.
And as for the Seuss Estate, there will be no feelings of ill will or resentment.
For this very poem is a parody covered by the First Amendment.
So without further ado,
Here is this treat of a poem, especially for the reader...which is you.
"How the Rockwaller Stole Christmas"
This is the time of year
A time of happiness and joy
Where there is the spreading of good and cheer
For almost every Middletonian girl and boy
As stated before, almost every young citizen
Down in Middleton
Liked Christmas a lot.
But Bonnie Rockwaller, who lived just next door to the Possibles, did NOT!
She hated how the Possibles celebrated Christmas in their house
Giving a low growl that would even frighten a small mouse
Every single day of the accursed Christmas season.
If you are wondering to try
To ask the question of why
She does have her reasons.
And no, it wasn't because her head wasn't screwed on right
Or that her Country Club Banana boots were too tight
Or that a probable main reason of all
Could be that her heart was three sizes too small
No, all she had to do was go back years past
Of how past Christmases at the Rockwallers sucked when she was a young lass.
From the hand-me-downs of her sisters to the infamous photo of her crying in Santa's lap
Those winter "memories", she knew, would be crap
The only bright spot of her Christmases, if it even would bother
Would be the gifts given to her from Donald Rockwaller aka her father
But, alas, this year, her dad's gift would be proven fruitless, of course
For the Rockwallers are (currently) going through a very tough divorce.
And then there was the part where, a few years ago if one can gleam
Bonnie starred as an angel in a Nativity scene
They sang songs such as "Silent Night", "Joy to the World" and similar sounds
Only problem was that said Nativity scene was played on courthouse grounds
Some politically-correct people in the audience pointed out, if they can relate,
That this was a blatant violation of the separation of church and state.
The Queen, who had enjoyed this play in the past, flew in a rage
On the Nativity scene stage
She shocked the audience, her parents, and her fellow singers,
By giving the politically-correct people two middle fingers
So she stared there on Christmas Eve from her bedroom window,
Hating the Possibles all the while Middleton was covered in record-setting snow.
From the lighted windows of their house, Kim was hanging a mistletoe wreath,
Just in case Ron came, she can kiss him from beneath.
Bonnie couldn't believe
That today was indeed Christmas Eve
She continued to growl, her fingers continued drumming
"I MUST find a way to prevent the Possible Christmas from coming!"
She stood there, brooded and stewed
For tomorrow, she knew...
All the Possible girls and boys
Yes, this includes Ron and Rufus
They would all rush for their gadgets and toys.
Including, as Bonnie called him, the blonde-haired doofus.
She would be rattled and awakened by all the NOISE, NOISE, NOISE!
All the NOISE! NOISE! NOISE!
That was one thing she hated while trying to sleep in her bed
On every single Christmas Day
The continuing screaming sounds of video games being played repeatedly in her head
Unfortunately for her, it had always been this way.
She'll (that being Kim) call and beep Wade on the new Kimmunicator
The Tweebs would fly around with their drone, armed with a flamethrower named incinerator
Joss would buck around with her large mechanical horse, making bucking sounds
Cousin Larry would do roleplay while playing the latest version of Everlot, a quest to be found
Kim will also blare the rare $50 Britina CD on her CD player as if she captured the Holy Grail
Bonnie had been demanding said CD from her mother all month long...but to no avail.
And as of Ron and Rufus, they will play noisy games to get that high score.
Like the latest installment of the M-rated gorefest known as Zombie Mayhem IV.
Oh...the Queen hated that that noise a plenty
When Ron plays it for hours on end on his PSX720.
To her, this was no fair.
The comparison of gifts really almost made her tear out her brunette hair.
She even tried to get her dad, whom was the chief of police, to stop the squeaks and squeals
While the Possibles raced around on ATVs with 4 wheels.
Alas, it was no use for her to stop this noise torture from Hell.
Bonnie felt as if her house was one big jail cell.
As if this were another reason for her to hate on the Possible's holiday moods, to be quite frank
There was Ron turning up the volume, watching "The Six Tasks of Snowman Hank"
Oh, if only the Queen had earplugs
A type that would drown out the warm clink of Possible cocoa-moo mugs
And then the Possibles, young and old
Will then all sit down to a feast
And they all feast, feast, FEAST!
The food from their cabinets and fridge flowed like never-ending gold
They devour a large Christmas turkey, which was about as big as a 10-pound Beast
Oh, a Christmas Turkey Beast is a feast
Bonnie couldn't stand in the very least.
In the sweets department, there were the famous lemon squares by her Nana
But all Bonnie got was after the Rockwaller Xmas Dinner was a rotten banana.
And then, the Possibles do something that the Queen hated most of all
Every Possible in the Possible house, the tall and small.
Will stand close hand in hand
With Christmas Bells on their phone apps constantly ringing
And the Possibles, standing on their property land...
...they start SINGING! And they'll SING, SING, SING!
That is what will make her the most feral
When the Possibles sing their Christmas carols.
And the more Bonnie thought of the Possible-Christmas sing...
...The more the Queen thought!
She must stop this whole entire thing.
"Why, for five years, I've put up with it now!"
"I HAVE to stop the Possible's Christmas from coming...but how?"
As she continued to stare outside
Bonnie then heard two taps on her door
The figure came from the hallway, not making an attempt to hide
It was only her rich boyfriend, Senor Senior Junior, nothing more.
Junior had come to his first Rockwaller Christmas, being that he was in town
This was an attempt by Veronica to try to turn her daughter's frown upside-down
Like Bonnie, his heart was three sizes too small.
But it was his brain (and musical talent) that was tiny, most of all.
"Oh hey, my rich hottie. Wonder why you're doing here in my place!"
Bonnie said with a slight smile on her face.
She waited on what her dim BF was trying to say
"Hey, my love." Junior replied, "I came here for the food and any games that you usually play."
Bonnie scoffed, "Junior, I know that this is your first time, and you're trying
But I suspect that you may be a be a bit...lying.
And I like that," she continued with a salacious grin.
For she knew Junior was loaded, a fact she knew he was an instant win.
Junior said, "My love, I can bring you anything this year, a fact that my father had taught
I can even buy you a multi-million-dollar yacht."
Bonnie sighed, fading away from her smile
"Junior, that is all well and good, and I can see..."
She continued to stare outside the window for a little while
"...but I got issues with the Possibles' Christmas continuing to mock me."
"Today is Christmas Eve, in case if you're wondering
Come tumi, I will constantly be irritated by their noises, and that wannabe,
I am still trying to think on what to do...in this case...pondering...
I guarantee you, Junior, that she will flaunt her gifts for all the world to see."
Junior then suggested something vile
"Why not have me dressed as Santa? Like with the coat and hat"
Replied the oft-complaining man-child
"I can guarantee you that you can steal their Christmas in a snap."
Then the Queen got an idea. An awful idea.
The Queen got a wonderful, awful idea.
"Junior, I think I know a way."
Bonnie replied with the salacious grin
"Hear me out on what I have to say!"
She knew her plan would be as dirty as sin.
"A month ago, my dad arrested a drunk Santa at a mall
He confiscated the belt, fake beard, hat, boots and all."
She laughed in her throat.
But Junior asked "Did he also get the coat?"
"Oh yes, he did get that well..." Bonnie remembered.
For she saw that incident in late-November.
Junior still questioned "But where can we get that suit in such short time?"
"And will it fit this sexy booty of mine?"
Bonnie said with a wide grin, "Junior, the suit's a perfect fit for you.
It's in the basement by the way under boxes of old shoes."
"But I don't wanna go down the basement!" Junior whined for a while.
That was the least of his problems for the overgrown man-child.
Unlike his dad, he wasn't used to doing a life of crime
Bonnie scoffed at him, "I'll go first and you'll follow behind."
Junior whimpered "I hope that I don't look fat in that coat at all."
While his girlfriend held on to her baggy bib-down overall.
So about 30 minutes later, the evil couple found the Santa clothes
Junior took a deep breath and said, "Let's see how this goes."
To his amazement, they fit perfectly.
Right down to the coat, which covered up his muscular belly.
Bonnie grinned, "What a great and vile trick.
With this coat, fake beard, and hat, you look exactly like St. Nick.
Junior rightly pointed out. "Now that I am dressed as a Santa and that's all glad, ..."
"...how can we destroy Kim Possible's Christmas so that we can make her sad."
"The solution to that problem is simple." Bonnie said, tenting her fingers
"We are going to steal them in the middle of the night, and let nothing linger."
"Contractor style trash bags and sacks are the best method to use
"They are perfect to take on any trashy weight of abuse.
"Once we steal all of the Possibles' gifts
"We're going to jam them into a car and trailer, 'borrowed' from Cruella De Vil, for a lift."
"And then once we get outside the city limits where the elevation is higher.
"We will then burn all their gifts and food in one great big fire."
Junior gasped at the audacity of this crime
It would put their relationship to the test
If they got caught by Team Possible, it surely would result in their arrest.
Then again, he has some added muscle from HenchCo so he had one less thing to whine
"My love, I am ready to do the stealing with you,
In case we win, I even reserved a romantic spot on the island for two!
Just say the word and I can call upon some strong henchmen
It would make our job easier, with me and you times ten."
"Now all I need to complete the look of fear
Is that of a reindeer."
Bonnie looked outside her house for any of them, if that is so
Unfortunately, a reindeer's habitat did not include Colorado
Just as it so happens, her Pit Bull, Queenie, made his way down the stairs
He began to drool everywhere
His look was so fierce and full of hate
Why the Queen named a male dog a female name, shouldn't be for debate
But did this stop her? Not at all.
She also stared at one of the bucks her father killed, mounted on the basement wall
Bonnie simply said,
"If I can't find a reindeer, I'll make one instead!"
She instructed Junior to take a saw, duct tape, and some strong thread
And tied a couple of big horns to Queenie's head.
Junior asked "So when would be the stealing?
What would be a perfect time to enter the Possible's main den?"
Bonnie replied "I got a feeling..."
...That we will strike at ten!"
"I know of a back alleyway
That connects to their house
But we have to be quiet, nothing more to say
Nothing above the squeak of a mouse.
Agreeing to the plan set, Junior and Bonnie called up HenchCo
To send in their stealthiest henchmen for at least ten in tow.
It was now 10pm as Bonnie, Junior and the henchmen started down
Toward the Possible house, whose inhabitants lay snoring within town.
Despite the fact that they were sleeping, they thought they were protected
By an exquisite alarm system that would blare a loud sound
When an intruder would be found
And he/or she would be detected
Their windows were also dark and the doors were locked
They made sure an intruder's way out would be blocked
All the Possibles, especially Kim, were dreaming without a single care
When the villains came to their house on Middleton Square
The whole evil team snuck to the den at exactly 10 o'clock
In order to undergo their villainous vice
Ooooh...stealing Christmas from the Possibles will be quite nice...
...That is, if they can get through the lock.
"We need to get through this door without causing the plan any harm...
...If we go in, it would surely set off that alarm.
"Miss Rockwaller..." the lead henchman said, "...if it may say to suffice"
"This looks like a job for the HenchCo Automatic Disarming Alarm Device!"
The HADAD did it job
It cracked the code for the alarm and it didn't miss,
Rendering the Possible's level of protection useless
But now came the issue of the door, still locked at its knob.
"Lucky for me, I brought out my hairpin!
Surely, it would let us in."
Unfortunately for her, the pin broke as a makeshift key
Grunting, but not deterred, the Queen has a plan B
She took out Junior's solid-gold limitless credit card
Junior then whispered, as if he were doing a Sonnet from the Immortal Bard
"Be careful, my love! That is my rarest card of all
It's supposed to be used for the World's Richest Mall!"
This time, though, the hack card did work
(Oh, if she only could invent the dance known as the twerk)
The villainous team entered quietly into the room
To begin Operation Villainous Christmas of Doom
Bonnie gave a wide open smirk, so evil and so blatant
That it rivaled that of the Prince of Darkness, Satan.
She then saw all of the Possible stuckings hung in a row.
"Their stockings..." she grinned, "...are the first things to go!"
She instructed her dim BF to use a magnet for her first method of attack
It loosened the nails and the stockings immediately fell in the sack