Disclaimer: I do not own Dragonball Z, nor do I own the Excel Saga, Rod Serling, Alfred Hitchcock, MTV, or any other cultural references I happen to make. My parents paid for this computer and the program on which I am writing this, and I only own half of this story. There. Ya get the picture? Do I have to spell it out for ya? I'm nothing! Nothing!
Author's Notes: Sorry about that. Alright. Down to business. If you've read any of my other stories, you'll know that this story is completely different from any of my other work. Don't worry, I still promise the same great quality of my other angst-ridden dramatic stories, but I've decided to try out the venue of parody. No, this isn't a parody of something else couched in the DBZ world – this is a parody of both DBZ and the genre of DBZ romance, particularly self-insertion romance. I do, however, tend to go a bit crazy with pop culture references, so prepare to witness a parody of everything.
Another new thing is that this is the first time I'm writing with a co-author. My boyfriend, Howler Wolf (penname, obviously). As I've mentioned before, I usually write angst-ridden dramas, with a touch of comedy here and there. While he has no author page on FF.Net, Howler helped me come up with the concept of "Sarie Mue", so I decided to write it with him. Howler is a comic genius of rare talent. I couldn't have done it without him. Also, without him I probably would have become just like poor desperate Sarie Mue. So Howler deserves credit for any success this story reaches.
As I've said, this fic is a parody of DBZ romance fanfiction. Each chapter will feature an attempt with a different DBZ male. There will be fifty chapters of varying sizes. If the chapters are too short, I'll put out more than one at a time. I have a complete tentative list of fifty DBZ men, but feel free to give suggestions. I'll probably already have him listed, but enough requests might make his chapter come out sooner. Suggestions of comic ideas are also welcomed and considered. And just because we don't use them doesn't mean we don't love them. If we do use a suggestion, you'll receive acknowledgement in the chapter.
Further note – it will probably help you to brush up a little on the Excel Saga. It's not completely essential, but it will explain a few of the references, as well as one of the characters, and the type of humor that comes out occasionally. For the record, I did not base Sarie Mue on myself. She is completely fictional.
Well, without further ado, I present…
Sarie Mue: The Chronicles of the Quest of the Search for the Possibility of Love and Acceptance in the World of Dragonball Z
A girl sat in her pink room on her pink bed, surrounded by pink and brown teddy bears and other various stuffed animals, wiping her pink smudged face with a pink tissue. As she sniffed despondently, she pushed her frizzy locks out of her face and wiped her glasses before putting them back on. That didn't help. They just fogged back up again. She could barely make out the pictures of the generically handsome boys she had spread on the quilt before her.
"Why won't they go out with me?" she lamented.
One by one, with great reverence, she put each picture into a Nike shoebox, along with locks of hair, scraps of clothing, chewed-on pencils, and anything else she could get her hands on. All mementos of each of her true loves and soul mates from the age of six until now. A few rogue tears fell down her blotchy cheek. She had been sobbing, but now the only sounds in her room were the strains of MTV playing in the background. For once, she was ignoring the news of which effeminate Boy Band star was now going with which cookie-cutter Pop Diva this week.
"I can't live vicariously anymore," she declared, blowing her nose loudly one final time into her tissue before tossing it over her shoulder onto her Soap Opera Weekly.
She didn't understand it. She kept going after those guys she knew she was in love with. They met all her criteria. Tall. Good-looking. Popular. Well-off. Charming… She'd even started to take 'tall' out of the list. But it was to no avail. She knew that they would love her, if only they got to know her. She paused at the picture of her latest love. Scott. She'd had such hope for him. He was perfect. He was a football player, for goodness sake. And she knew that he just had to like her. He just had this hang-up with a girlfriend that he couldn't get away from. But Scott had actually noticed her one day. He'd asked to borrow a pencil. She knew that there was true love there, in his eyes. But he just couldn't show it…
…until he'd asked her to stop following him around and threatened to get a restraining order.
The girl sighed angrily. It wasn't like she'd never heard that before. She was used to it by now.
"Well, no longer. I've had it with boys."
She shoved the shoebox into the back of her closet, adding one more to her three-fold collection. Slamming the closet door, she stomped over to her computer and plopped down in front of it. Moving the mouse to get rid of the starfield screensaver, she was confronted with her background. She stared at it apathetically. It was a background made up of various scanned photos of the boys she'd liked in the past year. She considered destroying the computer screen, but she remembered the last time she did that. Her parents had blown up at her, and the counseling sessions had not come cheap. Instead, she right-clicked, went to Properties, and surveyed the choices for backgrounds. Bypassing any made with scanned pictures (years 1996-2003), she made her way down the list. Finally, she rested on a grouping of backgrounds from her favorite anime series labeled The Men of DBZ.
Slowly, a light began to dawn in the back of her mind. An idea was forming – an escape from her horrid life. She quickly chose a background, clicked OK, and gazed hungrily at the Saiyans in front of her. Any of them would be perfect for her. They were all strong, good-looking, and, alright, unavailable, but they didn't have to be. As what passed for an original thought forced its way into her mind, she could almost see a pink-tinted light bulb blossom above her head.
"I'll write fanfiction!"
It was perfect! She clapped her hands and squealed in delight. Fanfiction was something she could control. She could get rid of all the DBZ women, who were just in the way most of the time anyway, and have the men to herself. She could have the perfect romance, and live happily ever after. She could keep the sexiest and strongest men in all of anime all to herself. Still giggling, with a slightly nervous (psychotic?) tinge, she opened up Microsoft Word…
…and was instantly sucked into the world and persona of Sarie Mue, rabid fangirl on the rampage.
"You're traveling through another dimension, a dimension not only of sight and sound but of mind. A journey into a wondrous land whose boundaries are that of imagination. That's the signpost up ahead - your next stop…" A very bewildered Rod Serling blinked in confusion, tipping the ash off his ever-present trademark cigarette. "Tell me again… How did I get roped into this?"
The Great Will of the Cosmos whispered back, "Because you were threatened with a Mary Sue fic of your own."
"Well, why couldn't you get Alfred Hitchcock. He's just as dead and just as popular as I am," Rod said in a huff.
"Because he wanted the Mary Sue," she responded, her voice barely hiding her contempt for the portly British director.
"Well, I hope this is over." Rod Serling walked out disgustedly. "This is an insult to everything I created. There's not even an oblique reference to the dangers of the Red Scare or technological determinism or...
"Rod," The Great Will of the Cosmos said, "I'd like you to meet your new friend Mary S…"
"Sorry!" Rod said quickly. "I'll be on my way now. But for Pete's sake, why don't you let Pedro get back to his adorable son and sexy wife? He's suffered enough."
A faint whimpering could be heard in the background from said Pedro. The Fate of the Cosmos only smirked, well, as much as a floating starfield with arms can smirk, and tightened her grip on the tormented construction worker. "I think I've had enough of saving Excel. Let's see what I can do with Sarie Mue. She looks fun." With a flick of her slender white wrists, the world of OC self-insertion DBZ romance came to life around the girl, who immediately began her quest with…
Chapter 1: Trunks
"I can't believe I'm actually here," Sarie said to herself. "I'm actually outside the office of the most wonderfully perfect, cutest, most charming, richest, nicest, sweetest, most terrific guy in all of anime: TRUNKS! I mean not only is he one of the most powerful fighters in the universe, but he is sooooo fine, and his purple hair is sooooo cool! I can't wait to run my fingers through it. I must be the luckiest girl in the whole wide anime world! But why am I talking really fast and really loudly to myself describing the situation I'm in as if I am trying to let the audience know what's going on? I guess it must be a side-effect of being in an anime…"
Taking a deep breath, she took in her surroundings. The door to the office read, "Trunks Briefs, CEO, Capsule Corp."
That must mean I'm in GT, she thought. I've been waiting for the English dub to come out for that for soooo long. I just can't abide by those Japanese/English subtitled versions. With all that reading, I can't focus on the hot bods of all those sexy Saiyans.
Strangely, she also noticed that the hallway smelled faintly of lilac and roses.
Pausing by a glass wall across the hallway, she used the reflection to check her appearance. She was surprised to see her long, flowing jet-black hair, her humongous, overly-expressive green eyes, which seemed to be dancing with joy (shown by vibrating white dots bouncing around in her pupils to an almost ridiculous Hamtaro extent), her narrow face and lithe body, which seemed to speak of a grace and confidence usually reserved for Russian ballet dancers, and her gravity-defying womanly proportions which seemed to need no support of any kind under her Japanese school girl attire.
"OH…MY…DENDE!" she screamed, running her hands over her new anime chick body. "I am a total anime babe! Trunks isn't going to be able to resist me! Look at my hair! My eyes! My legs! My…"
"I am!" shouted a smarmy-looking, bespectacled accountant on the other side of the glass. "Believe me, I am!"
"WHY YOU!" she shouted, failing to notice the squiggly mark appearing above her head as the world turned into a brilliant yellow and red flash, framing her furious pose.
As her eyes transmogrified into straight lines with centered dots, the shocked accountant turned upside down, his feet sticking up in the air, as a blare of trumpets and cymbals sounded out of nowhere.
Composing herself, she turned around, ready to finally enter the office of the man she'd dreamed of her entire life! (Or at least since the Cell Saga…)
Opening the door, she was shocked by a familiar sight. The office was the same shade of pink as her room in the real world.
Wow! she thought. Trunks and I are SO obviously meant to be!
"TRUNKS!" she shouted, falling to the ground quickly as a ki blast flew past her head.
"Pan!" she heard a voice shout, "I thought I told you to stay away from me! You could at least knock before you… Oh!" he stopped short, noticing the shaking figure on the ground.
As he loomed over her, Sarie Mue suddenly found herself confronted for the first time by the soulful, cerulean eyes of Trunks Briefs, gazing down at her as if he could read the deepest thoughts and innermost desires of her very soul!
"Sorry!" Trunks said quickly. "I didn't mean to blast you like that. I thought you were someone else. And I'm sorry if I keep staring at you as if I can read the deepest thoughts and innermost desires of your very soul. I tend to do that a lot."
"That's alright," she said, noting briefly that her voice had risen two octaves and suddenly obtained a breathy quality. "I shouldn't have barged in like that. I just wanted to meet you so badly…"
She reached her hand up toward him, so he could help her up.
"Uh…" he said uncomfortably, staring at her hand in confusion for a moment. "Oh!" he cried in sudden realization, reaching tentatively to take her hand and pulling her up.
"My!" she exclaimed. "Your hands are so strong and…soft?"
"I use a moisturizing lotion," Trunks said. "I order it from Avon every month! You should really try it! It has the same scent as the lilac rose air freshener I use in the building! And the rose scent just fits so well with the décor, don't you think? Isn't it just divine?" he asked, gesturing expansively with one hand to encompass his pink-painted office.
"Yes," she agreed. "Pink is my favorite color, too!" she cooed, batting her eyes at him as the white dots in her pupils multiplied and began to vibrate even more quickly.
"Well actually, lavender is my favorite color, but I really like pink," Trunks said.
"Me too!" she agreed quickly. "Lavender is my favorite color! I just love lavender, really!" she said, reaching out to run her hands through his silken locks of just that color.
Backing away quickly, Trunks suddenly thought to ask, "Who are you, again?"
"Why, I'm Sarie Mue," she said, slightly confused by her answer, as this was certainly not her name. Oh well, she thought. New universe, new name…and not a bad one! Sarie Mue…I like it!
"Well it's…uh…nice to meet you, Sarie…snort…Mue. My name is," he paused dramatically to whip off his glasses, his purple hair stirred by a mysterious indoor breeze, "Briefs…Trunks Briefs."
"Oh I know!" she babbled cheerfully, mistaking the snort he'd interjected in her name for a sudden bout of sinus trouble. "I know everything about you! You fought against the androids, and you came back to the past to warn everyone and you were the second super-saiyan ever and you killed the cyborg Frieza and you…"
"NO!" he shouted with a furious glare, which looked very out of place on his narrow face with his high cheekbones and slightly pouty lips, "That wasn't me."
"Oh..." she said, momentarily confused. "Then what did you do?"
"I fought against Majin Buu!" he said angrily. Starting to mumble, he added, "Well, I was eight years old, and fused, and we didn't actually beat him but…" Finding his voice, he began again, "But I helped Goku find the Black Star Dragonballs! Why, without me he would've…umm…well, I was with him, anyway…"
Realizing he had resumed his mumbling, he tried again. "If not for me, this whole planet would have blown uhhh….okay it did blow up, but still I, um….mumble mumble mumble…"
"Oh!" Sarie chirped happily. "Well I still know all about you, because you're really sexy and you're one of the most powerful fighters in the universe, and you are sooooo fine and your purple hair is sooooo..."
"Um…Why are you here again?" Trunks suddenly broke into her tirade.
"Oh! Well that's simple, I…" she paused as she realized that despite the obvious, personal connection she had formed with Trunks upon seeing how sexy he was, she couldn't think of any reason why she should be there. Then, remembering the deep, meaningful bond she had discovered earlier, she continued. "…came to admire your lovely decorating!"
"Oh! I know!" he shouted, elated that she recognized his discriminating tastes in pastel shades. "I really had to work hard to balance the lighting over here with the Feng Shui feel I was going for over here," he ranted, gesturing expansively around him, failing to notice that one particularly bold gesture had accidentally knocked her across the room and implanted her, upside-down, in one of his lovely pink walls. However, thanks to Funimation, her gravity-defying skirt protected her modesty.
"Oh my goodness!" Trunks shouted, seeing her hanging in the wall with a comically-stretched smile and tiny, circular eyes, band-aids having mysteriously appeared on her cheek and elbows, "I just had that wall painted a month ago! FREDERICCO!"
As Sarie Mue pulled herself off the ground, she noticed a man with a slight build sporting a thin mustache and a business suit rushing toward the fractured wall from another room attached (?) to Trunks' office.
"Oh Dende!" shouted Fredericco in a thick European accent. "Look at zis! How did zis 'appen? What it ze girl doing to our precious office, Trunks-chan? Oh my my my… Zis' veel not do at all!"
Trunks had begun to sob by this point, holding one hand on his hip and gesturing to the wall with the other, he whined, "It was my favorite wall, Fredericco! My favorite! See what she did?!!"
As three huge, equidistantly-spaced sweat drops appeared in Sarie's hair, she began to apologize profusely.
"I'm SO sorry, Trunks! I didn't mean to hurt your wall! It was my favorite wall, too! I promise. I know I had only just seen it, but I was already forming a connection to it, when I…connected to it… I'm SO sorry, Trunks, and you too, Mr. Fr…" she stopped suddenly, realizing that there was a strange foreign man living in a room attached to Trunks' office. "Who are you again?"
Trunks suddenly began to blush. "This is Fredericco, my…interior decorator…and we're very upset right now, so you should leave!"
"But," she began…
"Go!" he shouted again.
As she left, she heard Fredericco comforting him. "Zere zere, Trunks-chan…Zere zere, I can make everyzing all better…"
Suddenly Sarie was swept up in a swirl of stars and solar systems shooting through the cosmos in every direction. She found herself floating peacefully along the starfield, a soothing voice telling her that a new chance at love would come her way. A chance for a new start for all her dreams to come true with…
Chapter 2: Goku (coming soon!)