Disclaimer: I must not admit that I own everything. I must be good and pretend Rowling owns it all. Must behave.

The Irresistible Potions Master

by: Serenthia

Severus Snape, all around evil and annoying git, was busily writing out his next year's lesson plans and trying to figure out which potions to assign so the annoying brats would fail and he could make nasty comments to them. That stupid Granger girl always did her potions right, though. He had been reduced to insulting her looks to get her upset. It just wasn't fair. There had to be some potion she would fail doing so he could humiliate her. He loved to humiliate his students. It was such fun. There was always Longbottom but that was getting old and Potter. No, he was going to have to leave Potter alone. Rats! Why did real-life have to interfere with his nefarious schemes for his students? That stupid Dark Lord shouldn't have been reborn. Now he was going to have a rival when he started to ascend to Dark Lordship.

If that ever happened. Dumbledore was certainly making sure he didn't have any time left to himself to plan his eventual world domination. The crazy old man wouldn't even let him teach Defense Against the Dark Arts so he could delve even deeper into the Dark Arts. Dumbledore was such a goody-two-shoes sometimes. It made him long for the cold, high cackle, and sinister eyes of his... Snape slapped himself.

"Bad, bad, bad," he repeated. "Must not think of him," but Snape nearly swooned anyway. How did the Dark Lord manage to look so.... evil?! Snape wanted to look that evil but all he had was a hooked nose, black eyes, yellow teeth, and greasy hair. People just commented on how bad his hygiene was instead of running away in absolute panic. Life wasn't fair. But it was better than it had been when he had been... Snape cringed in remembrance.

"Must not think of that either," Snape said to himself and then blinked as his door was blasted inwards.

Four Death Eaters stood there, wearing their mask and robes, and Snape rolled his eyes.

"A bit dramatic aren't we? I would have been stupid enough to answer the door, you know," he grouched.

"But you might have reached for your wand," said the leader in Lucius Malfoy's voice. It was either him or someone using a charm to sound like him. One never knew and the Death Eaters had some strange voice fixations, like the one who always sounded like someone named Mickey Mouse.

Snape attempted to dive for his wand which was oddly out of his pocket where he always kept it but it was too late. Ropes bound him and a piece of cloth gagged him.

"The Dark Lord wants you," Lucius's voice said.

Snape sighed. He was dead. Rats. He wasn't going to get to enjoy torturing students anymore and there went his plans to rule the world. Unless. Of course. He would come back as a ghost, teach and continue to torture his students, while tutoring the vilest Slytherin he had to rule the world in his place. Perfect! He loved how brilliant he was.

Unfortunately the Dark Lord had other plans. Sinister plans. Plans that made Snape's hair stand on end. Plans that made him wish for the solace of death.

"You can't be serious," Snape gasped.

The Dark Lord gazed at him with those glorious and brilliant red eyes that made Snape feel like he was getting lost in the shining orbs.

"I'm always serious," the Dark Lord said, walking to his throne-like chair in the most sinister way possible and Snape felt jealous. He hadn't been able to achieve that sinister walk yet, he just ended up looking like a bat! It wasn't fair.

"I'll do anything if you don't do that!" Snape hissed.

The Dark Lord sneered down at him and Snape bit his lip. Oh! His own sneers were pathetic next to the Dark Lord's.

"You betrayed me," the Dark Lord said in his most dangerous voice and Snape winced upon hearing it. He was nothing compared to this glorious man! "And when people betray me, I make them pay. The charm," the Dark Lord said, as if bored, "is now lifted," and he waved his hand, which held his wand, and Snape, while he could feel nothing unusual, knew he was in trouble.

The Dark Lord was staring at him with utter disgust. "No wonder you used a charm to hide your real looks. Believe it or not, I feel for you. But I'm still sending you back to Hogwarts where the whole school will get to see Severus Snape as he really is."

Snape dug his hands into the hard stone beneath him and screamed for mercy. The Dark Lord showed no pity. He was so good at that! And that was Snape's lost conscious thought.