Disclaimer: Another one of these wretched things. I own everything, get over it Rowling.
Author's Note: I don't know if I can continue! Sorry this is soooooooo late but I couldn't finish it when I hoped because that wretched book came out! Sob. Sob. Sob. My poor baby! Now I all I feel like writing is nice angsty fics about my Snapiepoo. Dumbledore is evil, Dumbledore is evil, repeat it with me, Dumbledore is evil. How could he just let those evil, evil, evil, evil, evil Marauders treat Severus the way they did! I hate them all! NOOOOOOOO!!!!!! Severus needs someone to love him! And it's obvious the only one Dumbledore cares about is Harry. Oh, everything that Snape has done for the git doesn't matter, all he cares about is Potter. Potter this, Potter that. I hate Potter almost as much as I hate Dumbledore now! Sorry, but it bothered me too much to continue with this. Severus is too tragic a figure to write funny stories about anymore.
The Irresistible Potions Master
Snape, having been hiding out in the graveyard until school started, quietly entered the Great Hall, the hood of his robe pulled down over his face, and took his usual seat. The meal, thankfully, was half over with. He glanced at the new Slytherins and smirked at how evil they looked. Perfect. Slytherin still wasn't going soft.
Dumbledore nodded at him and rose regally from his seat. He looked odd. Different. And Snape realized what the matter was. Dumbledore had been working out. His robes were just a bit tight around his chest and he had obscenely pulled up the sleeves to reveal his muscular forearms. So, the old man was still trying to seduce him. It wasn't going to work.
"Professor Snape," Dumbledore said, waving a hand at Snape and taking the opportunity to roll up his entire sleeve so Snape would see his bulging bicep, "met with an unfortunate accident," Dumbledore said, licking his lips, "this summer and is, well, Severus, show them."
Snape glared at the old git and stood up. He shoved his hood back and glared around at everyone. The teachers were in shock. Flitwick's half-chewed food was dribbling back onto his robe, McGonagall was pinching herself, Hagrid was squinting, and Filch was….he was sneering. Good. At least one person was still normal.
The students, however, were a lost cause. All, except for Harry Potter and Ron Weasley, had already begun to drool and some had even passed out. A few girls were giggling helplessly while some of the boys were flexing their muscles at him. Draco Malfoy, by far, was the most alarming. He was staring at Snape like he was…prey. The sneer on the boy's face could have done the Dark Lord proud. Perfect. Snape was being upped in sneering ability by a rich snob's son. Life was not fair.
Well, the Dark Lord would just hear how wonderfully Snape was dealing with being so attractive and realize his little scheme hadn't worked. Snape could do this.
By the next afternoon, Snape decided he would kill the Dark Lord with his bare hands. His only saving grace at the moment was that the current class contained Weasley and Potter.
Draco wasn't doing his work. He was cooling leaning against his table and smoking. Or would have been smoking if Hogwarts allowed that kind of obscene Muggle practice. He had to make do and had charmed a stick to send off the occasional puff of smoke.
Millicent was doing nothing but staring at him, her rather brutish face was rather okay looking when she looked dazed. Blaise hadn't stopped applying make-up since she had arrived and resembled a Muggle clown. Granger was stirring her watery potion with one hand and using the other hand to hold a rag to her mouth to catch her drool. How much drool could one person make? Longbottom, now he was disturbing Snape the most, was waving various food items at Snape and nodding his head while then eating them.
"You can't stop me," Longbottom taunted. "You don't scare me anymore. You… you… git."
"SHUT UP YOU PATHETIC LITTLE BOY," Snape screeched.
Longbottom giggled and stuffed an entire chocolate frog into his mouth. "Go," he swallowed, "drown yourself."
"Five points from Gryffindor," Snape threatened.
Longbottom licked his sticky fingers. "So? I'll just pretend some sweat I wiped off my brow is actually yours and McGonagall will give me five points if I let her touch my hand. She has the hots for you," Longbottom smirked. "You don't scare me anymore."
Snape, doing the only thing he could think of, threw himself onto the floor and started to scream. "I HATE YOU ALL. I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU! I HATE YOU!"
Laying on the floor admist such hormonal teenagers was not a good idea. Snape barely mananged to wrestle himself free, minus most of his clothes, and run out the door, his entire class screaming while they chased after him. Dumbledore. Dumbledore was going to have to save him.
Going to Dumbledore was a bad idea. A very bad idea. A very stupid bad idea. A very insanely stupid bad idea.
When Snape, only wearing boxer shorts (which he had the foresight to charm to be unremoveable and undamagable) stumbled into the Headmaster's liar, he gasped.
Dumbledore was wearing a lose fitting robe, opened at his chest (now sporting a snake entwined about a bumblebee with the words "Severus and Dumbledore" inscribed over it), with a rose clutched between his teeth. He was holding a bottle of champagne in one hand and a lasso in the other one.
"You're early, my pet," Dumbledore said, throwing the champagne onto the huge bed Snape was trying to ignore, and circling the lasso over his head.
Snape just stood there, shocked and weary. He could not go on like this. Maybe Longbottom was right and he should just drown himself. He was bad. He was evil. No one was supposed to try to seduce him. No one. Well, maybe the Dark Lord, but that was beside the point.
Desperate, Snape tried to open the door but it wouldn't budge. Giving up, Snape curled into a ball and started to rock back and forth, back and forth, back and forth, trying to block out the sound of a whistling lasso as Dumbledore whirled it over his head.
Author's Note: Dumbledore is an evil git. I want to continue this fic but I don't know if I can. I burst into dramatic tears every time I think of Severus and have already started a nice angsty fic that I will post under another name. My poor baby. My poor ickle baby! And yes, I know that I just repeated what I said in the other author's note but I'm falling apart here! Someone explain to me how Dumbledore is supposed to be good when he allowed a student to be violently victimized and, since Dumbledore let Sirius get away with attempted murder, it wasn't because Dumbledore didn't know. He just didn't care and he's evil and I hate him! Huggles her Sevvie that she stole from Rowling's universe.