Feelings. AUTHOR: Dark Will (screwin_evil@hotmail.com) RATING: R for violence and language. SYNOPSIS: The last episode of season five, with a twist. Dawn POV. DISCLAIMER: Never owned anything on BtVS, although I would kill if I thought that would help me get it. MAIN CHARTER: Dawn. PAIRING: None. FEEDBACK: Yes, Please! AUTHOR'S NOTE: None.

I can't love.

I know you think I can, but you're wrong.

I feel.

I hurt.

I cry.

Okay I'm lying. I used to cry. I used feel to but now I can't afford to. Can't afford to risk emotions that I know if I allow myself feel, even for a moment, I'll never be able to shut off. And even though I know that shutting off the bad is also blocking of the good, I know it is still what I have to do. Because it's the only thing allowing me to hold onto that last strand of sanity. After watching everyone else die, I'm surprised I'm not already crazy. Or maybe I am. Maybe nobody actually died. Maybe it's just all in my head. But I know that can't be true. Because the images of them lying there are too vivid, too fresh, too accurate to be anything but real. I've never had much of an imagination, but I doubt that even Buffy could have imagined this if she tried. My memories of the past three months are more real then I am. But I guess that isn't saying much, though, since I'm not real in the slightest. But nobody cares. Because they don't know me. They never did and never will, and that's the way I'd have liked to keep it.

They all thought I was innocent and sweet... if they even notice me at all. Nobody noticed me before she died. I was nothing to them, just a familiar face that reminds them of their past innocence. But I'm more than that. More then them. Hell, I'm even more then _her_. Because there dead and I'm alive. Because they are just bones in the ground. Festering flesh inside wooden boxes, decaying. Maggots crawling in and out of their eye sockets. Laying larva in the rotting, human bodies. And now I'm getting way graphic. Just more proof I'm slowly driving myself to the nuthouse. As if. That would be getting off easy. Because I'm the survivor. The _only_ survivor. But I won't be winning a million dollars. I won't be winning anything. Because the world isn't mine. This life isn't mine. Nothing is. Nothing but the pain of knowing I killed my friends. I killed my sister. _I_ killed everybody. But even if I was crazy, there's no nuthouse for me to go to. Because everything is gone. Because of me. Well, not _me_, per say, but my blood, so close enough. Buffy and the others got off easy. Almost as easy at me. Where I deserve worse then this, they deserved to never have to see this. Hell on earth. Literally. If Glory could have just let me kill myself once she left, but nooooo. She had to tell her worty, bastard minions to hold me still as I watched my blood destroy the world. My punishment, she said, for making it so hard for her to find me. Tara was the luckiest. She didn't even know what was going on. I was forced to watch as Willow trying to protect her. I don't understand how, but I heard every word said. "You. What the hell are you doing here?" Glory demanded, when she saw Tara. "She's with me." Willow informed her. I saw a slight smile play across Glory's features, as an idea began to form in the hell god's demented brain. Her last blow to the Scoobies, I'm guessing, she thought it would be. I watched as Glory snapped Tara's neck. She didn't even make a sound. It was all so damn, fucking quiet. Except for the crack of bone breaking. And Willow howling in grief, as she watched her lover die. Just thinking about it makes me want to retch. Again. Then Willow went after the retarded woman. Chanting something in Latin, she hurled a ball of light at the blonde, sending Glory into the tower I was tied to. The rickety building shook, and for a moment I was afraid it was going to fall apart. If only I had been so lucky. But it didn't and I wasn't. Glory got up, dusted off her dress and snarled at the heartbroken witch. With supernatural speed, she was behind Willow, and she tore the redhead in half at her abdomen. I knew I should be crying, but all I could was watch in horror as Glory killed off my friends, one by one. I heard a sound behind me, and I craned my neck so I could see who it was. The funny old man who gave me the spell to bring my mom back was standing there with a knife. I felt relief wash over me, as he began toward me. _He is going to cut the ropes_ I thought with glee. But all the hope I had drained out of me when I heard him muttering about shallow cuts. _HE_ was going to bleed me. The man who had been so nice to me a few months back was on Glory's side! The realization hit me like a ton of bricks. So hard that I almost didn't hear Spike yell, "Bit, watch out!" He came flying up the tower stares, and started fighting the old guy. I was unable to look away from the fight, and amazed that the guy that old could hold his own. But the amazement was replaced with fear when his tongue come out of his mouth, and flicked Spike off of the tower. I screamed his name as he fell, conveniently on top of a pike of wooden crates, wooden shards peersing his body, and one right through his heart. I turned back to face the old man, to find him grinning perversely at me. "Let's get on with it, then." I said to him, surprising myself with how cool and calm my voice was when at that moment all I wanted was to scratch the damn smirk off of his face. When he was within range he raised the knife and I used my body weight to jump up, while tightly holding the roped that bound my wrists to the tower, and kicked him square in the chest sending him spiraling to the cement below us. When I heard a sickening crunch, I knew I had applied enough pressure as so his head broke open on impact. Grinning in satisfaction, I looked back at Glory only to find that she had killed Anya. Xander was crying over her dead body, but Glory just looked peeved. Then, out of nowhere, Buffy appeared, and threw the Dagon Sphere at the hell god. They began to fight, and I frowned. The way she was fighting. it was to different from the way she usually fought. More, predictable. Kick, block, punch. She would alter it slightly, but it seemed almost planed out. Calculated, where Buffy normally flowed, if that makes any sense. Then Glory had her. She ripped off her head and my breath caught. "Hey! Did anyone else know the Slayer was a robot?" Huh? Then Xander got up and attacked the goddess with a mettle pole that must've dropped off the tower sometime during the fight. But her wasn't even able to land one blow before Glory caught him by the neck, cutting off his air intake. He dropped the pole, and Glory picked it up. And brought it down over his head, killing him. Then the real Buffy came flying through the air, and kicked Glory's back, sending her into a brick wall. But even the Slayer couldn't stop her. A moment later, Glory had Buffy by the arm, twisting is so bad, I could hear the bones snapping and the sound muscles popping. That was the last straw. Twisting and fighting the ropes that held me, I was finally able to break free. For the first time, I realized the stillness in the atmosphere, even as Buffy fought Glory. Looking directly below me, I saw blue energy swirling and building, where my blood landed, I realized. Looking at my stomach, I saw that the old guy must have cut me before I kicked him to the ground. I heard Buffy cry in pain, and my previous thoughts were forgotten. I ran down the stairs, and knelt beside my sister. Sobs began to push their way out of my horse throat my and finally I allowed the tears to role down my eyes as I saw that she was dying. Buffy's beautiful eyes glazed with the coming death, crying for me, even as she her life drained from her. My heart bled for her as her as she died, yet I did nothing. Nothing was I could do, except let it happen. Because I wasn't not strong enough to save them. Buffy or anyone else. Hell, I don't even want to save myself now. After all I've done, I deserve to die. Just looking down at the blood that covers the ground makes me want to die. Actually, its extremely surprising I'm not dead already. It has been three months since I sat there, surrounded by the bodies of my friends. But I don't worry about that. Because with all the monsters in this dimension? I'll be dead soon enough. Where I will finally get what I deserve.