Title: A funny thing happened...

Author: the random monkey

Date: 5-19-'03 (in about 1 hr.)

Author's notes: Well, it seems I'm best at short, pointless, insane fics, so that's what I'm doing. Here's a cute little story about what black mages do in private. And it's still PG-13! That should tell you something...

This is a semi-original idea, in that there's one of these for every universe out there (and several for some), but I haven't seen one for FFIX yet. Enjoy! I own nothing.


Garnet was waiting at the entrance to the castle as Vivi and his family arrived by airship. They all walked down the gangplank one by one: Vivi, Little Zidane, Chibi Eiko, Mini Freya, Young Garnet, and... Someone new? Another black mage she had never seen before.

"Hi, Garnet!" said Vivi, running up to her. "I hope you don't mind, but I brought a friend. This is Mr. 314," he said, gesturing to the new mage.

"How do you do?" Mr. 314 said, bowing to Garnet.

"It's nice to meet you, Mr. 314," said Garnet. "Eiko, Zidane and Freya are already here. Dinner will be in an hour, so Sir Ludo will show you to... oh..."

"What is it?" asked Vivi.

"Well... I wasn't expecting another person, so we're one guest room short," explained Garnet.

"That's okay," said Vivi. "Mr. 314 and I can share a room."

"Are you sure?" asked Garnet.

"Sure," said Vivi. "We stay over at each other's houses all the time at home."

"Okay," said Garnet. "I'll see you all in a little while."

Later, Garnet was walking down the guest hall when she heard a voice.

"Can I see it yet?"

Garnet stopped. The voice was coming from Vivi's room.

"Okay.... But just for a little while," Garnet heard Vivi say. "Garnet said dinner will be soon." There was some rustling, like clothes were being moved around.

"Oooh," said the other voice- Mr. 314, Garnet realized.

"C'mon, it's not like you haven't seen it before," said Vivi.

Garnet gasped. They're not talking about what I think they are- Are they? she thought. She kneeled down on the floor and sat, listening.

"Can I- you know- play with it?" asked Mr. 314.

"Of course," replied Vivi.

Just then, Eiko came walking down the hall. "Hey, Gar-" Garnet clamped her hand over Eiko's mouth.

"Why do you like playing with mine so much? Don't you have one?" Vivi's voice came through the door.

"No... I think I used to, but I lost mine before I ever woke up."

"Oh... Sorry."

Garnet removed her hand, and Eiko mouthed, "What's going on?"

Garnet shook her head and shrugged.

"But I know what I would've had, and mine was never as good as yours," continued Mr. 314. "Yours is so big and long."

Eiko's eyes widened, and she clapped her own hand over her mouth to keep from squealing.

"And it's so hard!" Mr. 314 said. "You could beat someone up with this!"

"I have before," said Vivi.

Freya walked by, then stopped and walked back to where Garnet and Eiko were kneeling. "What are you-"

"Shhh!" said Garnet and Eiko.

"So... Can you do those tricks you do with it?" asked Vivi.

Mr. 314 gave a small giggle. "You really like it when I do that, don't you?" he asked.

"I don't know why..." said Vivi, sounding embarrassed. "It just makes me feel happy for some reason."

Freya raised her eyebrows, and without a word, kneeled down next to Garnet and Eiko.

"How about... this trick?" said Mr. 314.

"Oooh!" Vivi squealed. "I like that one!"

Eiko clapped her other hand over her mouth as Chibi Eiko walked up to them. "Hey, why are you all just sitting here?" he asked.

"Chibi Eiko... You shouldn't hear this!" whispered Garnet.

"Hear what?" asked Chibi Eiko.

"Oh, wow... That one was great!" said Vivi.

"How about... This one?" said Mr. 314.

Freya stared intently at the floor, Eiko started to hyperventilate, and Garnet turned so red she looked like a tomato.

"What?" asked Chibi Eiko. "They're just playing with my dad's staff."

"Is that what they call it these days?" muttered Freya.

"You mean, they've done this before?" asked Garnet.

"Of course," said Chibi Eiko. "I've watched them do it before."

"Oh, my God," said Garnet.

"I'm gonna be sick," said Freya.

Chibi Eiko gave them all a strange look. "What's the big deal? Everyone in the Village does it. Mr. 314 even gives lessons! He's teaching me and my brothers lots of cool tricks!"

"You know," Vivi's voice came from in the room, "we should invite everybody to come watch you after dinner. I bet they'd love it."

Freya, Garnet and Eiko looked at each other open-mouthed.

"I bet Freya would like it best," continued Vivi. "I've seen how she handles staffs. She's almost as good as you."

"That's it!" said Freya loudly. She stood up and opened the door, shouting, "Vivi Ornitier, you are one sick fu-" She stopped.

Vivi was sitting on the bed, a half-unpacked suitcase next to him. Mr. 314 was standing in the middle of the room with Vivi's High Mage Staff, twirling it like a baton.

"Hey, you guys!" said Vivi. "We were just talking about you! Watch what Mr. 314 can do. He's really good." Mr. 314 threw the staff up in the air so that it spun horizontally about a foot above his head, then caught it.

"Isn't that neat?" said Vivi. "It's called a parallel toss."

Garnet and Eiko fell on the floor, laughing.

Freya turned and left silently.

Chibi Eiko said, "Daddy, your friends are weird," then went on down the hall.