I was nervous to bring it up again. He had made it pretty much clear he wasn't going to try. All I could do was either try again or ignore what I wanted in life.
I was sitting in Edwards bed in my new lingerie. White. Lacey. He had said that he wasn't into all the scary black looks. Granted he said that about leather and latex, and special other wearable goodies, so I went back to the basics. And very light under garment colors.
I was trying not to look too ready to get frisky, as he would understand where I was going.
I was making it look like I was changing into a nighty, just holding it, listening to his far footsteps, waiting for him to get closer.
As Edward entered the room, he stopped dead in the tracks. He squinted his eyes looking at me. Not the reaction I had hoped for, but I had his attention.
I mustered a smile "You scared me! I was changing." I pulled the white nighty I had in my hands, over my head "Are you ready to come to bed?" I smiled at him.
He slowly moved to the bed, still suspicion in his face evident "So, you got new underwear?"
I nodded. I wasn't going to tell him I was a regular at the town's lingerie shop and the sex shop, consulting with the workers, how to open Edward up to more sexual liberation. It wasn't working, as far as now.
So I was playing innocent. Perhaps he needed to slow into it. Really slow into it.
"Bella, if this is, again, about us trying something perverse, I am not -"
"Edward, stop!" I interrupted him not wanting to hear more "I just needed something new, something I could wear every day. Don't worry about it." I might have lied to him about that one. I was quickly running out of options.
I know I had to try. I just didn't have it in me this time, seeing as it was another no without me even asking. I couldn't face another no. I got under the blankets "I'm gonna go to sleep now, if it's okay." I felt tears coming and I wasn't about to cry in front of Edward about sex.
I heard him breathe out "Bella, it's not like I don't want you – I do! And I love you! But it's just not something that I am into."
If my eyes weren't closed, I would roll them "You're overreacting. It's just white underwear that I was in the need of. Sorry."
He didn't say anything. I wasn't any type of tired, but I didn't want to be conscious enough for him. How did we manage to stay together for two years? I wasn't satisfied. In the beginning I though that it was just something that was normal – missionary, sex ending with his orgasm, hers just being a secondary thing, that might not happen.
I always knew I was into more. It always attracted me and now, when I had felt secure enough with Edward to tell him this, he looked at me like I was a pervert, and wanted to touch me less.
I heard him walk around and eventually get in bed. I felt him coming up closer, but he didn't put his hands around me. No more cuddles as I was a sex fiend.
I knew he had fallen asleep when his breathing became calmer. More deep. And of course the snoring helped notice it too.
I slowly got out of bed and out of the room.
Sleep still wasn't coming to me.
Edwards apartment was shared between him and another guy, Jasper, that was out tonight. Regularly that would mean that we would be going at it, missionary or not. I took off my nighty and looked at myself in the full-length mirror in the bathroom. I didn't think something was wrong with me, but who knew?
As I was overlooking myself over, I was neither fat nor skinny, though I was definitely not on the skinny side. Edward never said that he wanted something more or less, body size way. In fact, he did tell me I was beautiful, and I believed him because I also thought that I was. I didn't think I was a gem, but I liked myself enough to be comfortable.
I was becoming more restless and I needed a drink.
I could almost always count on a beer in this flat, if nothing stronger. In fact, I knew there was something stronger, but I opted for the beer in the fridge. I opened it and sat down on their sofa.
I remembered when I brought it up to Edward that I wanted to try more. He had laughed at it and asked me if that something was ribbed condoms. Maybe I should have picked that, instead of laughing and explaining that that something was being spanked, chocked or maybe hit, among other things. He didn't look the same at me after that.
It made me feel damn worse when I realized that he didn't want me not because of how I looked but because of me, as a person.
I was about to go into a mindset I wasn't going to come back from sober, when I heard the front door open. Fuck! Fuck! Fuck! I left the nighty next to the mirror and the sofa was right next to the door, meaning I had no place to run.
"Be quit, he and his girl are sleeping probably." I heard his flat mate say to someone. Awesome. More company.
Jasper didn't even finish his sentence as he saw me. There was no reason to hide seeing as there was nowhere to hide, even then I still tried to cover myself with hands. His eyebrows shoot up as he saw me, eyeing me. I wasn't going to lie; it gave me a tingly feeling when I saw Jaspers eyes looked me up and down.
"Jasper, you didn't tell us there was a gift waiting back at yours!' A beautiful, out of this world, blonde girl said.
She was clinging to a muscular guy, who just smiled at me and went to the fridge.
"I couldn't sleep, so I -" I pointed to the beer, I had in my hands "Sorry, I'll pay you back. I should get back to the room." I got up to leave.
"Be careful what you say now. Stay. You're not bothering us, and you could use some company. No girl in pretty lingerie should drink alone in a weird apartment." The blonde snickered and went to the muscular guy, leaving me with Jasper.
"Bella, these are my good friends, Rosalie and Emmett. Guys, this is Edwards girlfriend, Bella." He did the introduction, as he took off his jacket, revealing a tight black t-shirt. He took the t-shirt off as he gave it to me. I didn't expect him to do that.
"Thanks. Nice to meet you guys." I pulled it over head.
Emmett came and sat in the loveseat next to the sofa "So what's with the lonely birthday suit party Bella?"
I blushed and before I could answer "Aww, Jasper you were right! Blushing like a virgin!" Rosalie laughed. I didn't know if I should be offended or not. Had he talked about me to them? How I blushed? And what was with the virgin thing?
Jasper came back, wearing a hoody, an apologetic look on his face "Sorry, it's just that Edward is so cut throat clean, ya know? I assume- assumed you were too." He sat next to me, something different in his glass than a beer, Emmett and I was sporting.
He was so right about Edward and he wasn't even sleeping with him. Well, neither was I. I took a hefty drink from my bottle, choosing not to answer. Perhaps I should just go to bed and deal with this by not dealing with it. Ignorance is bliss, right? And those two years weren't that bad. I should invest in a vibrator then. We could still be alright…
Before I could get up, Jasper put his hand on my leg, urging me to stay "Come on. What happened?"
"I'm not nearly drunk enough." I smiled at them. Rosalie was sitting in Emmett's lap. They must be together. I wished I could do that with Edward as well. I looked at my bottle. Perhaps it would feel good to talk to someone about this "It's complicated. I'm worried that Edward and I aren't exactly compatible."
"So, what, he doesn't like the white underwear?" Jasper asked, with a little smirk in his eyes.
"So, Edward isn't such a prude! It's okay, Rosy can help you go shopping for some shinier stuff to flash between his eyes! She knows just the place." Emmett laughed, already finishing his beer, cuddling Rosalie in his hands.
I felt myself blushing more. It felt like my face was becoming darker and darker, embarrassment coming in waves "It isn't that, right?" Jasper asked, a knowing look on his face.
I noticed his hand was still on my leg. I answered, "No. He wasn't into anything I was into, and I thought that this, white and nice and fluffy would be easier on him." I took a sip "He doesn't even want to touch me since I told him what I wanted to do. The soft lingerie was too much…"
The silence fell heavily until Rosalie asked "What is it that you want to do?"
I put my bottle down on the table, still noticing Jaspers hand on my leg, not moving it, not even a little bit "Everything. I haven't had the chance to try anything, but I want to." I didn't want to give a real answer, in case they won't be as open as Edward.
"Bella, let me get this straight. You want to have kinky sex and your boyfriend doesn't want to. Am I right?" Emmett mused, as he was getting up. I just nodded "And so even your fluffy soft look didn't work out?" I nodded again. "Well then," he smiled, almost laughing "Do you know where we came from tonight?"
"Emmett…" Jasper warned him.
He just laughed and went to the kitchen. Rosalie asked me if I wanted another one and after my confirmation left too.
I turned my head to Jasper "What did he mean?"
Jasper squeezed my leg and I hated to admit that I enjoyed it more than I should from my boyfriend's roommate.
"Where were you tonight Jasper?"
He still had a hold of my leg "Do you know something about BDSM? Anything?" I nodded in disbelief. I felt myself getting wetter than I've been in a long while "So, you know that it's basically a lifestyle. So, tonight was just a meetup of those type of folk."
I nodded. I could see the slight irony of what Emmett said now. Where were they by the way?
Seeing as they weren't in the sight, I chose the opportunity to ask "What's it like? Being in there?"
He smiled and moved his hand up and down my leg "You should come and see it next month."
I bit my lip and didn't even try to look as if I wasn't interested. Jasper was flirting with me and I was jumping out of my skin for the slightest affection. I was answering him, in ways that I could. I didn't take his hand off or my eyes from him and his mouth.
"You sure about that? They'll eat her alive." Rosalie said, handing me another beer.
I shifted. I didn't even notice them moving back in the room.
Jasper got up from the couch, leaving a hot trail of his hand on my skin, the place becoming colder.
"Maybe that's what she wants to." Emmett kept joking, wiggling his eyebrows.
"I haven't had any experience." I admitted again "I would love to just see how it is. I want to try those things and finally – FINALLY be..." I stopped until I said something I would regret.
"Satisfied?" Rosalie asked. I didn't need to answer them for them to understand that it was a yes "What would your boyfriend say? Seeing as he isn't too keen on this certain type of things."
Jasper came back with his drink and was standing on the end of the sofa, looking at me.
I though about Edward. I could explore and still be with him. I would be satisfied in my perverted ways, as he had put it, and he can still have his missionary. We could be better than ever.
"He'll sleep better without knowing." I answered bluntly.
Jasper kept looking at me. It was hard for me to read his face, so serious suddenly.
"Jasper can help you, perhaps." Emmett said "He is looking for a sub."
I was still looking at Jasper "Do you know what that is?" Jasper asked.
"A submissive." I answered, remembering some google searches.
"We can talk about it later, if you want." He assured me.
"Yes. I would love to."