Disclaimer: I do not own Inuyasha, nor the characters, therein. I am not profiting from this, so please do not sue me! The poem used has been properly credited, that's not mine either.
Authoress' Notes: *blushes* I can't believe I wrote this... Please take the rating seriously...well I guess it's not so bad, but...Eep! I wrote it. Anyways this is a one-shot.
I've also been informed that this isn't nearly as bad as I thought. But I had to repost this, I found errors everywhere. Eck! So I added a few more thoughts for Sango at the end of this.
I know it must be this way
in the waking world,
But how cruel –
even in my dreams
we hide from each others' eyes.
- Ono no Kamochi from: The Ink Dark Moon: Love Poems by Ono No Komachi and Izumi Shikibu
She's staring at the fire. Her back is to me and she's resting her chin on her knees. She hasn't spoken in hours and it's driving me crazy. I know she's mad, but I don't know why. Usually I can identify what stupid male thing I did to enrage her, but I am at a complete loss as to what caused this silent rampage.
A winter storm came up fast on us and we were forced to find shelter. So, we've been stuck in this shack for two long days and she's been angry for more than one. The wind outside is howling, I've seen the walls shift slightly from its speed. She had walked away to check something, while we were putting patches on the outside wall, when she came back; she was angry.
I'm beginning to wonder if I've forgotten something. I know she hates the cold, but I can't imagine that it's the weather that's causing this mood. I yawn silently. This silence is stifling and the tension in the air could be cut with the Tetsusaiga.
I notice that she hasn't moved her futon away from mine. We both have one that we carry with us for traveling. She isn't big on little comforts, but she's found that sleeping on one is warmer than the ground. Plus, I like it better and she does find it in her heart to accommodate me sometimes; we are married after all. Not that it matters at this moment.
She hugs her knees tighter to her body. Her hair is braided and knotted tightly against the back of her head. Her dinner is sitting next to her, but it's long since become cold.
I ate a little of the dinner that I had made for us, but I found that it sat heavy in my stomach. Much as I love this woman, if I don't know what I did, I can't fix it. I sigh, daring to break the silence.
She doesn't respond.
" I'm tired; I'm going to go to bed." I tell her.
She responds by giving me one sharp nod, without turning around.
" Goodnight Sango." I kissed the top of her head.
She gives another sharp nod and no reaction to my touch.
That's it. I'm going to bed with a clear conscious. I am not going to deal with any more tonight; I'll lose my temper. I only have so much patience. I take off my robes and slip into my nightclothes. I lie down and try to ignore the suffocating aura of the room. I finally start to relax when I hear her stand up and walk towards the door.
" Where are you going?" I call out.
" I'll be right back." She snaps at me.
The door opens, blasting cold air into room, than it slams shut.
Of course, I don't always need to know where she's going. I normally don't even ask; she can take care of herself. But it's in the middle of the night, it's very cold out there and I want to know what the hell is wrong with her.
I feel a furry head beneath my hand. I roll over unto my side and stroke my hand over Kirara's head and back. Her two-tails flick happily and she purrs at the attention.
"At least you're not mad a me."
She allows this petting to go on for a little long, than responds to the demon in her and she trots away from me and lies down in front of the fire.
" All my girls like the fire tonight." I tease the fire-cat.
She yawns at me and veils herself with her tails.
I can feel myself get drowsy, but I won't go to sleep until I hear Sango come in from outside. I wish I knew what had gotten her so upset. I've asked her about it twice today and all I got was a shrug.
I shiver, involuntarily. I didn't hear her come in, but I feel the cold rush of air and hear the slam of the door.
Sango steps silently by me and grabs her traveling bag. She carries it to the fire and sits by Kirara. The fire-cat senses the tension and moves away from Sango, giving the exterminator space, just in case.
I open one of my eyes, the one nearest to the floor so I don't get caught. This seems very strange to me; I'm peeking at my wife.
She lets down her hair and pulls it out of the braid. Rivers of black/brown hair flood down her back. She runs her fingers through her hair, getting the knots out of it. She finds the hairbrush that Kagome gave to her and pulls it through her hair. She's moving very slowly, as if whatever's on her mind is distracting her to the point that she can't remember how to do simple things.
Talk to me damn-it! Tell me what's wrong, or least tell me that you can't explain it. Tell me something.
She stands up stretching her arms over her head and arches her back to make it crack. She drops her kimono carelessly to the floor. She peels her taijiya uniform half off, leaving from her hips down covered. She unwraps the bindings she keeps around her breasts and shivers as little bumps cover her skin. She pulls out one of those cleaning cloths that Kagome left with her and begins to rub it over the top of her body.
I close my eye, I have limits on my self-control and if I try anything tonight, I may die. Not that closing my eyes helps. I have her body memorized, by touch, by taste, by scent and by sight. I can hear her shifting again and I dare to open my eye again.
She pulls the rest of her uniform off and wipes down her legs.
The perfumed scent of the cloth fills my nose, as she stands to her feet.
She's running her hands down her body, hesitantly, as if it's become foreign to her.
Are you sick? Are you hurt?
She picks up her night robe and pulls it over body. She lays her clothes over the bar near the fire, I would assume to dry them. She sighs before walking over to her bed next to mine.
Our futons are right together, but I have a feeling she's going to huddle against the far edge. Keeping far away from me. Being pulled into a comforting embrace when she thinking, makes her angry, she feels like she's being patronized. When she wants to be comforted, she reaches for me. I love her and as much as I want to fix everything I have come to the conclusion that I can't.
Her body suddenly presses against mine. I can feel her whole body shake. "Miroku? Are you awake?" She whispers almost fearfully.
" Yes. What is it?" I turn myself around and face her.
Tears roll down her cheeks as she tries to speak, but no words will come out. She reaches for me and buries her face in the crook of my shoulder. I can feel her breath get more sporadic as she finally lets out an audible sob. Her grip around my neck is fierce, as if she's terrified that I'm going to disappear.
" Sango, what is it? What's wrong?"
She shakes her head against me.
I run my fingers through her hair and kiss the top of her head before wrapping my arms around her pulling her closer to me. I let my fingers trail down the scar in the middle of her shoulder blades. I can't feel it beneath the fabric, but I know exactly where it is. I literally have her memorized. That's Kohaku's scar, the wound that almost killed her, before we even met.
She isn't crying anymore and her breathing as slowed to a more normal pace. She relaxes her hold on my neck and lets her arms slid down until she catches my face in her hands.
I look into her brown eyes as we lie on our sides staring at each other.
She traces her fingers over my brow and brushes back my bangs. She continues running her fingertips over my face and leans over top of me.
I can feel her lips on mine, and taste that familiar flavor that is uniquely hers and hers alone.
She presses more firmly against me and nibbles on my lower lip.
" Sango." I manage thought its more breathless than I would like to be. I take her hands in mine. " What's going on?" I move over her to try to keep control of what's going on.
She looks confused at my hesitation.
" Talk to me. You've been mad at me for more than a day, than this. I don't understand what's going on, enlighten me, please." I plead with her, keeping my fingers interlocked with hers.
Her eyes lower, and her cheeks get a scarlet hue to them. " I…I…" She swallows and lets out a puff of air.
I release of her hands and run my fingers through her hair. " Its okay. Just talk to me." I'm beginning to wonder if I want to know, they say ignorance is bliss.
" Do you love me?" She asks so quietly I could barely hear it.
" Of course, I love you. Why would you doubt that?"
She turns her face away.
" Sango." I prod, but she doesn't move. I move my hand to the side of her face, noting that she presses her cheek into my palm. " Sango, look at me."
She looks up at me, her gentle eyes filling with tears.
" Why are you crying?" I wipe the tears from her cheeks and pull her into my arms as I sit up. " What has gotten you so upset?"
She settles into my lap and tries to duck her head under my chin.
I lift her chin and shake my head. " Just talk to me."
" Do you love me?" She whispers again, taking my un-cursed right hand into hers. She traces the palm and then the back. " Do you really love me?"
" Sango, I love you. Nothing will ever change that. Why are you doubting it?" I don't understand why she's so insistent on this.
She kisses me again, this time with more passion, as if it will be our last one.
My god, Sango, did something happen to you? Have you done something?
She pulls her mouth away from mine, but presses her forehead against mine. " I want to settle somewhere."
I can feel the weight come off my shoulders. Is that all? She was worried I wouldn't want to stop traveling.
" I want our child to have a real home."
Well of course, you do. When we have children, we'll have to settle, but if you want to do that now, we can.
She's looking at me expectantly, awaiting a reaction.
I think I missed something. " We can find a place to settle in the spring, if that's what you want." I smile and try to kiss her again, but she puts up her hand.
She's still holding my right hand and she presses against her stomach. " I want our child to have a real home, before it is born."
I blink, trying to process the information. " You mean…"
She nods and gets that half-panicked look on her face again.
You thought I was going to leave. " Sango, I spent the entire time we are chasing Naraku asking every beautiful woman to bare my child. And you assume that, when you, the only woman I truly love, are going to have my child, that I will leave." I kiss her softly. "Have some faith in me. You married me; you knew I wanted children. Why were you worried?"
Her cheeks flushed bright red. " I didn't think you'd desire me anymore."
My eyebrows shot up and I shook my head stifling the chuckle in my throat. I let myself fall on top of her, not all my weight, just enough to shock her. I leaned my forearms on either side of her and held her face in my hands. " Woman, did you hit your head?"
" Woman?" Her right eyebrow arches as she questions my term.
" Yes." I nod than continue my explanation, " I am a man. You are a woman. In more basic terms male and female. And this..." I slide my way down her body opening her robe on my way down. I kiss her stomach and roll my tongue around her navel; she takes a sharp breath. "...this is a baby. A child, that comes from two parents: one male, one female." I kiss her stomach again, leaving a damp trail as I mouth my up between her breasts. I nip at her neck and catch her earlobe between my teeth. I whisper in that ear. "If you ever get the idea that I don't desire you; you've gone mad. I will never get enough of you, ever."
She turns her head and catches my mouth with hers.
I move up and kiss her forehead than down her nose.
She scrunches up her face and laughs softly.
I rub her stomach with my right hand, flattening the palm against her warm-soft skin. I feel myself start to smile at the thought of my child growing inside her. " How long have you known?"
She smiles and relaxes a bit more. " I've been unsure for two months now. But I found out for sure yesterday."
" Do I want to know how?"
She shakes her head. " No, just thank Kagome."
" I'm more apt to yell at her." I counter. " You found out, than got mad at me. Why was that?"
" I wasn't mad." She bit her lip. " I was just thinking about everything. I mean, what if I'm a bad mother?"
" Not possible." I assure her. Now where was I?
She shivers against the cold. " Can, I close my robe now?"
I snort in response and start raining kisses down her chest. This will be a long night; I'm going to make sure of it.
I open my eyes and start to wake-up lazily. There's a weight on my stomach. I look down; Miroku's sound asleep using my stomach for pillow. I know he's asleep, because he has quite the imagination and waking me up like that would simply be too tempting. I run my fingers contently through his hair. Glad we're both at peace again. I hadn't meant to be so moody, but he wouldn't let me think. Every other minute he was asking me if I was all right.
I dislike being cooped up more than I dislike the cold and both things make me grumpy. Thinking on cold, I'm going to have to wake Miroku up soon, I'm freezing from my stomach up. I rub my arm over my chest and try to get rid of the goose bumps. I can feel Miroku's lips move against my skin as he breathes through his mouth. At least my lower half is warm.
I don't if I was actually afraid of what I told him, or if I just wanted reassurance. Either way, I'm happy that he's happy. I can't believe I'm going to have a baby; that I'm going to be mother.
I'm the last of a proud line of demon exterminators, I am strong; but I have my weaknesses, I've accepted that. I don't have weaknesses because I'm a woman; I have weaknesses because I'm human. It took me a long time to understand that I didn't always have to stand on my own. During my quest for revenge I tried never to depend on the others. I didn't want to need them. If I had gotten close to them I might have lost them, just like I'd lost everyone else.
I fought Miroku's affections most; he was going to die before any of the others, especially if we didn't defeat Naraku. But he wouldn't let me push him away and he kept infuriating me, by saving my life. Honestly, I had planned to die while fighting Naraku.
I didn't want to live without a family and dieing beside my brother, seemed like a solid plan. Miroku knew what I was planning, somehow. He cornered me before the final battle and wouldn't let me go unless I promised not to throw my life away. I demanded that he tell me why I should live, because I had no one live for. He kissed me and told me to live for him and he'd live for me. What a ridiculous conversation to have before the eve of a battle.
But I never doubted his love for a moment after that.
Now we were a family. Miroku and I would raise our child with all the love that we could. The responsibility...
" Where are those hands of yours going?"