Human Hyjinx

by The J.A.M. (i_am_the_)

Edited by Professor Nathaniel T. Freeman

(It helps if you read my previous stories in order to understand a few things here.)

(It seems rather silly for FFN to remove all punctuation marks that aren't "basic", don't you think? Well, I had to change the formatting here to comply with them. If you want the original format, contact me.)


The screen faded in to reveal Mary Melody, once again at her news desk. News-type music played, and as it did, a voice-over boomed,

"This is K-ACME Evening News. Here's your host, Mary Melody."

Looking up at the teleprompter under the camera lens, she began, "Good evening, I'm Mary Melody, and this is the K-ACME Evening News. There have been reports all over Acme Acres of random scenery changes, causing widespread confu—"

[THUD!]

Landing hard on her posterior, the African-American was about to demand to know who pulled the chair out from under her. Standing up again, she realised something wasn't completely there.

Namely, the chair.

And her reports.

And the news desk.

And the backdrop.

And the camera.

And the entire studio.

In fact, everything was gone. She was just standing on a big white nothing.

"What the bleep?" she asked herself

And then, she froze, suddenly realising what was going on.

Oh no.

It happened to Bugs.

It happened to Daffy.

In fandom, it had happened to Buster.

And Babs.

And Plucky.

And even Boy George.

She was next!

Glancing at the screen, she clenched her fists, "All right, J.A.M., it had better NOT be you at the artist's desk! And if it IS you, then Monty's gonna get a REAL set of jaguar-print pyjamas for his birth—"

"Excuse me?"

Mary whirled to her left, and saw her boyfriend, The J.A.M., standing there, looking rather confused. "J.A.M.? You're not doing this?"

"Doing what?"

"This!" she gestured at the big white nothing. "Messing up with the backgrounds, like it happened with Bugs and Daffy in 'Rabbit Rampage' and 'Duck Amuck'! It also happened recently with Plucky, Buster, Babs, and even Boy George!"

"Boy George? The guy who looks like, quoting the Prince of Wales, 'an over-decorated tart'?"

"Yes, him!"

"Well, no I'm not doing this, as you can see. I can't draw to save my life, Panterita."

Mary became even more scared at this. "Well, if you're not doing this, who is?"

As they thought about the possibilities, the jaguar recalled just what happened during these type of shorts. Angering, his yellow-orange fur turned red as he turned to the screen, "All right, listen, you, whoever you are. You'd better NOT give Mary a hard time, because if you do, when I find out who you are, I'm going to try new slice and dice patterns on you!" He extended his claws to make his point. As he was talking, a small green arrow floated by, and touched his shoulder. Six black squares then appeared out of nowhere around the onça: two beside his head, two beside his waist, and two besides his foot-paws. The arrow then moved to the top of the screen where a grey bar lowered from under the frame. The bar had the words "File", "Edit", "View", "Image", "Palette", "Help", and such. The arrow then touched the word "Edit", and below it appeared a menu with even more commands. "And Maximiliano, if it IS you, I'm gonna—" The panther was still speaking when the arrow touched the word "Delete".

And he just suddenly disappeared, but without the sound "warp".

The menu rolled back into the frame again.

Mary's eyes widened with fright.

This was no ordinary drawing board.

Then, ethereally, the onça's voice echoed, "…we're victims of technology…..!"

So there she was, alone against the artist. She sighed resolutely, however, squared her shoulders, and looked at the screen again. "Okay, you got rid of him. Now it's just you and me. If you don't want to hear news, what do you want from me then?"

The arrow came back, but this time, it was in the shape of an artist's brush. It moved down to Mary's shoes, and it drew white rollerblades over them.

The anchorgirl, surprised, smiled, "Oh, well, why didn't you say so?" She spin-changed into an orange t-shirt with black bicycle pants. "Now, do you think you could put some skating scenery here?"

The arrow moved again, so she began skating.

Menu -} Edit -} Insert Background -} File -} W_Wonderland (dot) jpg

The girl did a graceful spin, and gracefully rolled backward on one foot, and then actually looked closer at what she was skating on.

[SLIP!]

[THUD!]

She slid across the frozen lake until her rollerblades stopped her backward motion on a snowbank on the shore. Frowning at the screen, she raised herself a trifle, and nearly snarled, "I think you're just a little confused. But don't worry, I'll help you." She got on her knees, took a deep breath, and jumped. Once in the air, she quickly spin-changed her rollerblades to ice skates. Landing gracefully on the ice, she continued her routine like a true Olympic skater, smiling.

And keeping her eyes open.

Menu -} Edit -} Insert Background -} File -} S_Rink (dot) jpg

[TRIP!]

[STUMBLESTUMBLESTUMBLE!]

[THUD!]

The sudden traction under the blades caused her to flail her arms about in an attempt to not fall on her face again. She managed to stumble across the rink with the grace of a goony bird, and her forward motion was stopped by the rink wall. Since she hit it with her torso and not her head, she managed to remain fully conscious. Fuming and straightening herself, she carefully walked off the rink and into white space again, and pointed at the screen. "Like I said, you are quite confused, Rembrandt! So until you make up your mind as to what cartoon you want here, I'll just wait right here."

She stood straight, arms crossed, looking at the side of the frame. Behind her, the arrow reappeared, this time in the shape of an eraser.

And it erased her ponytail.

Feeling the slight but sudden weight shift on her head, she glanced at the screen, "Very funny. Now give me back my po—" She suddenly clamped her mouth shut, eyes wide again. And just as suddenly, she chuckled a trifle. Pointing at the screen, she jeered, "HA! You thought I was going to fall for that trick so you could draw on my head a horse's a—" she caught herself again, "—um—posterior appendage, right? Well, DOUBLE HA! I learn from others, Bub! Now, kindly," she grit her teeth, "draw my hair the way it was two minutes ago, okay?"

The arrow, now a brush again, redrew her hair.

Down to her feet.

She looked down and admired her new style. "Oo, a hairweave!" she smiled. "Really, it looks nice, but please, just get it right."

The eraser floated to her again, and erased her hair. It then transformed into a brush again, and redrew her hair.

Afro style.

Looking up and feeling it, she sighed with annoyance. "Very autochthonous, don't you think?"

At that comment, a grey rectangle appeared on her left with the text, "Auto-what?"

She frowned at it, and defined, "Aboriginal. Indigenous." The sign remained there. Mary finally blurted, "NATIVE, OKAY?"

The text was replaced with an "okay" button, which the arrow touched, and the rectangle disappeared.

Her Afro remained, though. "Well, it looks like I'll have to do this myself!" Standing on the tip of one skate, she spin-changed once more. As she did, the arrow came back.

In the shape of a paint can.

And it touched her hair.

Mary stopped, and pulled out a pocket mirror to see if she got it back to normal. Her ponytail had indeed returned, but all of her hair was blonde now. Fuming and frowning, she spun again. The paint can touched her hair again, and then the can transformed into an eraser again, erasing her skates.

The humanmaid stumbled and fell on her posterior again. Looking at her mirror again, she saw her hair.

"LISTEN, YOU DUMMY! WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAW A NATURALLY-RED-HEADED BLACK GIRL?" she screamed as she jumped to her feet and faced the screen, fists clenched. The eraser came back and erased everything but her hair, then it transformed into an artist's brush again, and redrew her.

As Elmyra.

"Much better, thank you," she snapped, walking away. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have a complaint to file with—odd, I don't feel like myself—" She whirled to the screen again while fumbling for her mirror. "If you turned me into that 'screwball' thing, I'm going to—" Glancing down, she wondered why she was wearing a skirt.

And why there was a white hand stuffed into her pocket.

Yanking it out, she screamed at it.

Quickly recomposing herself, she closed her eyes and held her breath.

"Umm—a full-body mirror, please?"

The brush drew the requested object on her left. Carefully turning to it, she examined her new design. Looking back at the screen, she gave a very calm warning, "The ACLU and the Martin Luther King Junior Foundation are going to have a field day with you if you don't fix this NOW." Her frown was frighteningly dangerous. "Kindly: darken me already!"

The paint can came back, and touched her forehead. Instantly, all of the white skin turned jet-black, but Mary remained with Elmyra's design.

After glancing at the mirror, she warned, "You're burying yourself, Deary."

The eraser came back and erased everything except her eyes and lips. After waiting a few moments, she asked, "What, you forgot what I look like already?"

The brush came back and re-drew her.

As a teenage female black panther.

"Thanks. Now, as I was saying, I—AAAAAHHHHH!" she screamed the moment she saw her tail waving about. Turning to the mirror again, she gave herself a closer examination, and actually stopped frowning. Her t-shirt and pants fit her new body perfectly. "Hey, not bad! I do wish my boyfriend were here to see this, though, I'd knock his spots off!" Turning back to the screen, she said, now with a much kinder tone, "But really, if you keep ignoring the official design clauses of my contract, you're gonna end up in the street."

The eraser erased everything, transformed into the brush, and re-drew Mary.

As Fifi LaFume.

Mary definitely felt something wasn't right. "Odd, I feel a bit over balanced—" Her nose twitched, "Phew! What's that horrible smell?" And she glanced at the mirror. "EEEEEK!" Quickly covering herself with her huge tail, she wondered, "How the bleep do nekkid toons ever get used to this? FIX THIS ALREADY!"

Erase.

Redraw.

Glance at mirror.

See Gadget Hackwrench.

Frown at screen, "The Warner Brothers, Steven Spielberg, AND Michael Eisner are going to have your head for breakfast if they find out about this."

Erase.

Redraw.

Glance at mirror.

See Barbara Ann "Babs" Bunny.

Sigh.

Lop ears.

"Look, if I'm going to be part of the Amazing Three, I'd like to be myself, please!"

Erase Babs and mirror.

Redraw.

Since there was no more mirror, Mary looked down at herself, and sighed with relief to be back to her original design. It was then when she noticed a wireless microphone on her left hand, and the label "Karaoke" on it. With a shrug, she decided to comply. So, she opened her mouth and sang—

—and no sound came out.

Slumping her shoulders again, she looked impatiently at the screen, and pulled out a sign: "How about some AUDIO?" The arrow came back, and complied:

Menu -} Edit -} Insert Object -} Sound -} File -} E:\Sample (dot) mp3

When the menu disappeared, she heard a CD whirr inside its drive. So with a nod, she opened her mouth again, and sang,

"RROOOAAARR!"

Quickly clamping her mouth shut, she widened her eyes with terror. Slowly, she breathed deeply, removed her hand, and tried again,

[As Arnold Pit Pull] "Feel ze burn, ja?"

Clamp mouth.

Breathe deeply.

Try again.

[As Gogo Dodo] "Cuckoo! Cuckoo!"

Clamp mouth.

Breathe furiously.

Tremble with rage.

Squeeze fists.

Jump to the top of the frame.

Yank menu bar down.

Menu -} Edit -} Insert Object -} Sound -} File -} D:\Voices\Cree_Summer_Franks (dot) mp3

Releasing the menu, she fell back down, pointed at the screen, and yelled, [normal voice] "I HAPPEN TO LIKE MY OWN VOICE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH!" She was breathing quite furiously, trying to stay in control. "Listen, I know you're having a blast with this, and it's interesting with all this experimentation and new equipment and such, but really, you're walking on thin ice." The brush sneaked behind her and drew a sign on her right hand:

DOWN WITH FURRY TOONS!

She felt something on her hand, so she looked at the sign as she spoke, "The WB has strict contracts with all the toons here and if you keep messing with the—EEEK!" She threw the sign off screen, and glared at the artist again. "I would NEVER do that to my furry friends, much less now that I HAPPEN to have a furry for a boyfriend!"

Draw sign again.

HUMAN TOONS RULE!

"Yes, I've had problems before, but we're resolving them and—"

Feel sign.

Look.

Throw sign away.

"You're pushing it, you know. I know there aren't as many human toons as there are furries, but you don't have to rub it in like that."

The arrow came back and touched her shoulder as well, making the six black squares appear around her too.

Menu -} Edit -} Copy -} Paste As New Object

That last command flashed a few times, however.

"I've learned to accept my position here at the Looniversity, and I've learned that being so few of us makes us more unique and special, I suppose, and—"

"Good evening, I'm Mary Melody, and this is the K-ACME Evening News." Mary suddenly saw that she was surrounded by ten exact copies of herself, all speaking exactly the same way with an eerie resonance. "There have been reports all over Acme Acres of multiple copies of individual toons. This has caused a great deal of confusion among the populatio—"

"!" The real Mary Melody screamed, and proceeded to kick the doppelgangers out of the frame, one by one, and in rapid succession. Once she was done, she stomped back to the middle of the screen, and spoke dangerously again, "Oooo, you're just having a picnic with me, aren't you?"

For a response, the arrow pulled down the menu bar again.

Menu -} Palette -} Reverse Palette

Instantly, the background was now black, Mary's hair was white, and her skin was a pale lavender. Her pupils were white and her eyeballs were black. The colours of her clothes were also reversed.

Staying perfectly still, but looking all around her, she asked, "You reeeeeeally like experimenting with the program, don't you?"

Menu -} Palette -} Reverse Palette

The colours returned to normal.

Glance around.

"Thank you. Now, do you think you can—"

Menu -} Effects -} Defocus

"—make up your mind—" The human toon looked at herself as a complete blur.

Sigh.

"You're nearsighted, aren't you?" she asked with uncanny calmness.

Menu -} Effects -} Pixellate

She looked at herself again, and she was now composed of multi-coloured squares.

"So now I'm a protected witness or something?"

Menu -} Effects -} Etch -} Sunken Relief

The background was now grey, she had no colour except that same grey, and her outlines were somewhat hollow.

"Hey, I'm a stone carving now! And you're the carver, right?

Menu -} Effects -} Cancel Effects

Finally, she was back to normal.

With a tired sigh, she spoke, "Well, thanks for getting it right, finally! But please, I've got a newscast to do right now. Can I continue with that now?"

Menu -} Edit -} Load Movie -} End_title (dot) avi

The TTA rings replaced everything, the end theme played, and the credits began rolling. No sooner that they began when suddenly the whole scene fell forward, thanks to a swift kick from the humanmaid.

"No, Honey, it's NOT the end yet!" she scowled. "It's time for the nightly news! Doesn't this computer have a clock?" The arrow hovered to the lower right corner, apparently checking the time. Then it returned to the top of the frame.

Menu -} Edit -} Background Colour -} Palette

And then the white background turned completely black.

The anchorgirl looked about, "Ho ho ho, very funny! Sure, it's night time now, but have you ever heard of the moon and stars?"

Menu -} Edit -} Background Colour -} Palette -} Edit Colour -} Contrast: 255 -} Brightness -} 255

The background was white again, but the intensity was so huge that Mary could barely be seen. Squinting, she quickly pulled out some sunglasses to protect herself.

"You know, this is getting reeeeeaallly old."

Menu -} Edit -} Background Colour -} Palette -} Edit Colour -} Contrast: 100 -} Brightness -} 100

When she saw that the white back to normal now, she took off her eyewear and put it away. "Thank you," she huffed. "Okay, so you had your fun. Now can you give me back my news studio so I can continue with my reports?"

Menu -} Edit -} Insert Background -} File -} Live_studio (dot) jpg

The new background appeared.

The CNN news studio.

Still, Mary was impressed. "Wow, this is AWESOME!" She walked about, admiring the real set. Looking back at the artist, she asked him/her/it, "But do you honestly think that Time-Warner is going to let little ol' me use it?"

Menu -} Edit -} Insert Background -} File -} HI_studio (dot) jpg

Mary now found herself next to a news desk made out of bamboo, in the middle of a beautiful beach.

"Hey, I like this!" She spin-changed into an orange sarong, ankle bracelets, a rose on her hair, and a huge smile. Sitting down behind the desk, she picked up the reports, looked at the teleprompter, and began, "Good evening, I'm Mary Melody for a special live K-ACME News broadcast from Hawaii! The State of Hawaii is under a hurricane warning—"

Right on cue, a huge wind blast blew Mary away, along with the reports, news desk, set, background, and everything, leaving the white nothingness again.

Mary slowly stomped back into the frame, with her normal attire again, except for slightly frizzled hair. She stood, fists clenched, glaring at the artist. The arrow floated by again and—

"Two can play at this game, bub!" She suddenly grabbed it and tried to shove it to the ground. The arrow put up a good struggle, however, but Mary's adrenaline-powered anger overcame it. After a brief struggle, she smashed it down, and stomped on it repeatedly for good measure. Then she furiously kicked it out of the frame.

Huffing and puffing, she scowled, "I've had enough of this game!" She jumped, yanked down the menu bar, pushed "File", and held to the menu under it. "Find someone else to experiment with! Good-bye!" She then punched the word "Exit", and a rectangle appeared in front of her, asking,

"Save changes to file?

Yes No"

She punched on "No", and everything went black, except for another bar at the bottom of the screen, but that had no relevance now. The camera pulled back, to reveal not an artist's desk, but a computer workstation, and not a piece of paper and a pencil, but a digitising tablet with a stylus.

And holding the stylus was none other than…

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BANJO THE WOODPILE 'POSSUM!

He turned slightly to look at the camera, and commented with his Southern drawl, "Heh! Ah towld yew Ah'd git me an ejj-uh-muh-kayshun!"

He winked as the scene irised out.

[TTA rings fade in]

[Handwritten "That's all, Folks!" logo]

[LT end fanfare]

[Merrie Melodies]

[A Warner Brothers Cartoon]


ENCORE

The lights came on again, revealing Banjo still at his workstation. He turned off his computer, stood, and bowed to the audience.

Rob Paulsen as Banjo

Then, he ran a bit to the left of the stage, and pulled back a curtain, revealing Arnold Pitbull and Gogo Dodo, standing in front of two microphones. The audience cheered again.

Rob Paulsen as Arnold's voice Frank Welker as Gogo's voice

Banjo then padded all the way to the end of the stage, and pulled out another good friend of his.

The J.A.M. as Himself

Grinning, the jaguar heartily shook paws with Banjo. The audience gave a good response, and as it did, the opossum ran all the way to the right, and pulled away the other curtain.

[drum roll]

There, standing in front of a large blue screen, grinning immensely, was everyone's favourite humanmaid.

And Cree Summer Franks as Mary Melody!

The audience chanted again, "MARY! MARY! MARY!" while she turned to Banjo and gave him a big hug. She then turned to The J.A.M. and hugged him as well, besides giving him a quick kiss.

All walked/padded to the front and centre again, holding hands/paws, and took a bow.

Mary shouted, "Thank you all, and good evening!"

With incessant cheers, the lights faded away again…


CREDITS AND BLOOPERS

The Tiny Toons characters were created by Tom Ruegger, Glen Kennedy, Dave Marshall, Ken Boyer, and Rich Arons, I think.

All characters are © Warner Brothers/Amblin Entertainment (and used without permission, but it's doubtful that they mind) EXCEPT FOR:

The J.A.M., who is © The J.A.M.


"Doing what?"

"This!" she gestured at the big white nothing. "Messing up with the backgrounds, like it happened with Bugs and Daffy in—in—uh, what were those LT shorts called?"

The jaguar huffed and looked at the camera, "Cut…" while Mary laughed.


Props by Acme Co.

Mary Melody's wardrobe furnished by Oscar de la Renta.

The J.A.M.'s wardrobe furnished by Yazbek and Casio.


The sudden traction under the blades caused her to flail her arms about in an attempt to not fall on her face again. She managed to stumble across the rink with the grace of a goony bird, and her forward motion was stopped by the rink wall—

[Actually, she misjudged her speed and flopped right over it]

"CUT!" yelled the jaguar, running to her. "You okay, hun?"

"Ouch…" was her groggy reply from behind the wall.


Original casting by Steven Spielberg.

Additional casting by The J.A.M.

Voice direction by Andrea Romano.

Starring:

Mary Melody is Cree Summer Franks

Wolf Blitzer is the News Announcer

Arnold Pitbull (voice) is Rob Paulsen

Gogo Dodo (voice) is Frank Welker

Banjo The Woodpile Possum is also Rob Paulsen

and

The J.A.M. as Himself

Music directed by Richard Stone and John Van Tongeren.


"Very funny. Now give me back my po—" She suddenly clamped her mouth shut, eyes wide again. And just as suddenly, she chuckled a trifle. Pointing at the screen, she jeered, "HA! You thought I was going to fall for that trick so you could draw on my head a horse's [CENSORED]—I mean—oops! Didn't mean to say that!" she giggled and blushed furiously, covering her mouth.

"CUT!"


No copyright infringement is intended or implied. I did all this for the fun of it.

All of the characters, places, and events portrayed in this fanfic are fictitious. Any resemblance to any real persons, places, or events is unintentional and purely coincidental, except in cases of severe self-insertion, I suppose, but even then the similarities are controlled, he he.


Clamp mouth.

Breathe furiously.

Tremble with rage.

Squeeze fists.

Jump to the top of the frame.

Yank menu bar down.

Menu bar is stuck.

Stay hanging from the top of frame.

Giggle.

"CUT!"


SPECIAL THANKS

To Macintosh, for the digital system.

To CNN, for the studio shot.

To Professor Nathaniel T. Freeman, for editing this story.


Keep talking.

"Yes, I've had problems before, but we're resolving them and—"

Feel sign.

Look.

Throw sign away.

[CRASH!]

"Oops"

"CUT!"

"You okay, Babs? [giggle]"


[By T.J.]

"The State of Hawaii is under a hurricane warning—"

When nothing happened.

"Cut! Why is the fan not on!"


EXTRA-SPECIAL THANKS

To Charles Mendelson "Chuck" Jones for his LT shorts: "Duck Amuck" and "Rabbit Rampage". Thanks for the inspiration.

To Kevin "HKU" Mickel for his fanfics: "Pluck Amuck", "Bunny Bedlam", and "Hare Hysteria". Thanks for the inspiration.

To Juli "Babs Bunny" Magera for her fanfic: "Cultural Catastrophe". Thanks for the inspiration.


He turned slightly to look at the camera, and commented with his Southern drawl, "Heh! Ah—um—dagnammit! Whut wuz mah laynn aginn?"

"Sheesh. CUT!"


Until next time—ahh, you know what goes here already!