This is really just vent fic, so I have no idea if I'm going anywhere with it. I might add onto this in the future, but I also might just leave it as is.
he breathed out loud. "Five more minutes."
His heart was beating fast. His breathing was shallow.
"It's gonna be ok. Nobody can make me stay. Nobody can force anything onto me," he told himself.
"Now just... ground yourself... breathe."
He did as he had told himself to do. He focused on the air streaming into and out of his lungs. He imagined himself connected to the ground, as a part of something bigger. Something heavy that would only move if it wanted to.
Some thoughts still swirled around in his head. He didn't dare speak them out loud.
What if she would side with them?
What if she would agree that it had to happen that way?
No, that was impossible. It couldn't. And even if she did, he could just leave.
But he didn't wanna leave. He didn't want all the courage he worked up to get to this point to go to waste. He didn't wanna feel hopeless again. She had to side with him.
"You can tell her as much, or as little as you want. Scout it out. She doesn't know anything really. And you informed yourself. She'll only report you if you're a danger to yourself or others."
But what if he was a danger? What if they had been right after all?
What if they had been right and really he should be thankful?
No! That was impossible. They couldn't have been. He was miserable. He suffered so much. Everyone he told about it had assured him it wasn't ok.
But she wasn't like everyone. She knew better than normal people. It was her job to know better. She could tell if he was dangerous. But he wasn't. He was off meds for years now and he never hurt anyone. He never hurt anyone before either, though... so did that matter?
Yes! It had to matter. That's why it was unjust to put him on meds.
He didn't even have to think the thought any further because a million different problems starting with these two words occupied his mind. And none of them were very nice to think about or even acknowledge. His heart began to beat faster. He couldn't do this. He had to get out. But he was frozen. He looked over to the clock on the wall and watched the seconds tick away,
He imagined a noise in his head. Tick, tick, tick. Slowly he felt the ticking turn into dripping of little water droplets from a faucet.
"Nope! Not thinking of that right now."
But he did think about it. Sitting in the kitchen waiting for his parents to stop arguing, counting the droplets dripping down into the sink. Completely out of his mind for the first of many times. One of the few memories he could remember distinctly. One of those times where he felt the happiness drain from his body before all other feelings were drained as well and his memory became fuzzy.
He didn't even notice that he said it out loud. He also didn't notice the person coming in from the door behind him.
He flinched and almost lost his balance. She was smiling at him. It made him feel a mixture of warmth and unease. But she looked casual. No lab coat, like he imagined. So that was a plus.
Now or never, he told himself as he shook her hand.