Chapter 16- Bring me Back to Life
Disclaimer: I own nothing, Joss owns all. You knew that though.
Willow, Xander, and Dawn had arrived a few hours ago. As Buffy lay in her borrowed bed for the evening she kept replaying over and over in her mind. It was all too much for her to handle.
She needed to speak to Spike, but was unsure of what to say. For the first time it felt like she might have some kind of control over her future, some option in what her life would be like…and it scared her more than anything she'd ever faced before.
Her conversation with Angel hadn't been much easier. She was angry at him, and hurt for the way he had gone about things. The sneaking around, the lying. He'd been watching her the whole time- every move, every action…logged in some file at Wolfram & Heart.
To an extent she understood that it was out of concern for her that he did it, but he had invaded her privacy…big time.
She was dying for sleep, exhausted from her experiences of the last few days. As she tried to force herself to sleep she heard a soft knock at the door.
"Can I come in?" He asked, opening the door slightly- a look of nervousness on his face that was new to him. He had always been sure of himself, cocky to the point where it was borderline obnoxious. There was only one time she'd seen that face, it was the night after they had spent together in a strangers home. He came to her and told him of how terrified he'd been, never having been so close to someone before. Now she was the one that was terrified, because this time she truly had a choice. She'd been given a real opportunity to find some semblance of happiness in her life.
He walked in tentatively, closing the door quietly behind him. The room was dark, but he didn't mind. It made what he wanted to say much easier. This was new territory for him. He might not remember much of anything from his life before, but that much he knew was true.
"Are you okay?" She asked, sitting up in her bed and watching his outline as he pulled a chair up near her bed.
"It's a lot to take in I guess."
"Believe me…I know."
"I…I want to say some things to you, but I'm nervous that I won't have the stones to finish. I'd like to ask that you listen. That you try not to…laugh at me, or…judge me. I need to say them."
Buffy was scared. She didn't know what he had to say, but there were things that she wanted to tell him as well. She thought she should hear him out first though, and go from there.
"I'm listening Spike," she said, as she pulled her self up to lean her back against the headboard.
"I'm scared. I know that I've probably never been scared before, not the way I am now, but you should know that. I'm starting to remember, little things at a time. After Wesley finished telling me all that he did…about my history…my past- things started to come back to me. I'm remembering…fragments…of things that I did. Not only to other people, but to you Buffy. I was a…bad man…"
"Spike…please don't. I know all about who you were…"
"No!" His voice was strong now, and sounding more like the person she once knew. "I have to say this…please. Let me finish."
Buffy stood quiet. Wishing she could reach out to him, wishing she could take away whatever pain he was feeling.
"I was a bad man, and I enjoyed every minute of it…until you. I know about the chip, and I know that it was the main reason that made me stop…killing…" he gulped, the last word coming out as though it tasted bad just to say it, "…but there was more. I know that I love you Buffy. I know that you're probably the only true love I've ever had in my existence, but you could never love me back because of who I was and the things that I did. Now I have a chance to make up for that. Now that Willow seems to believe that I'm a…Slayer. I'm not quite sure what that means for me just yet, but I know that you can help me- because I know you were the best."
His voice began to falter. He was asking her for help, and deep inside- he was asking her to love him.
"Spike…that you are a Slayer now is not so far fetched. For that last while that you were here you helped me more than anyone, more than Angel, more than my friends. You patrolled with me almost every night and did good things…things that were very far from your nature. Your strength…and your courage…they're not something I could have done without. There's a reason I was the longest living slayer…it was because I had help."
Buffy could feel her eyes watering, but she fought back the tears that were forming. She moved off to the side of the bed, sitting to face where so that she could be closer to him.
"I'm not THE slayer anymore, but I'm starting to realize that I still am A slayer. I think I've forgotten that for a while, I guess I just needed a break…but it's my nature, and it calls me. Having you back makes me want to be myself again. Spike…I love you…"
"No…you just missed me and…"
"No," she said softly, grabbing his hands from his lap and taking them into her own. "I did miss you Spike, that much is true, but I love you. You're a part of me, something lost now found. I could never say it before and mean it because I had the weight of the world on my shoulders and I'd given up on it. Now I'm not alone. Now there are slayers all over the world, and now I have you back. I want to be me again."
"I love you too Buffy, I've never been so sure of anything before in my life."
"So stay with me tonight Spike. Just hold me like you did before, I just want to be near you…plus I'm utterly exhausted. A slayer needs her beauty sleep."
Spike smiled, lifting her hands from his lap and placing a kiss an each one. He pulled back the sheet from the bed and got under with her, wrapping his arm around her tightly and holding her. For right now, this was enough.
Okay, I know it's been a while…but R/L sometimes sucks. There are only a few more chapters left. I will not abandon this story. I really want to finish it before Angel starts because the story line will conflict big time, which might want me to give up. Some people have asked whether or not I will write a sequel, and honestly I don't know. I have some others that I'm working on, so I guess that will depend on how this ends, and finding motivation to do so.