Chapter 3 'Spreading The Word'
Sup bitches, its chapter 3 of the greatest Rio fanfic. Now read this or else you're a Homo Erectus.
Also I will continue to have Jewel wanting to have sex. I think its funny. If you don't then you are wrong.
Enjoy or suffer.
Blu made his way back to the hollow. He walked in and saw Jewel seductively lying down, enticing him for sex.
''Hey Blu, why don't we have a little fun…', she said with a smile and winked.
''No time for sex. Its time to spread the word of the FSM! He spoke to me and told me to spread the word!'', Blu said enthusiastically
''Are you on drugs? Anyways please fuck me.'', Jewel asked Blu.
''No to both of those things. The Flying Spaghetti Monster told me he was deadass sick of people worshipping fake gods. He also gave me this stone tablet.'', Blu said.
''I can't read that.'', she said. Blu proceeded to run through the rules and convinced Jewel.
''I would help you, but I'm lazy.'', Jewel sayingly said.
''Fair enough.'', Blu sayingly said even more sayingly than what Jewel sayingly said.
Blu headed off to spread the word like it was Coronavirus. His first order of business was to convince Rafael and his mad house family.
''Dear Yaweh, I thank you for all I have. I thank you for my wife, my kids, my friends, and myself. But I humbly ask for some money though, but I understand if you decline…Blah blah blah author too lazy to write prayer'', Rafael prayed to Yaweh. Blu burst in and said
''Sup bitches. The FSM sent me to tell you that your god is fake as hell. Subscribe to the one true religion, Pastafarianism.'', Blu announced.
''You meant G-d. Also who the fuck are you talking about?'',
''No I meant 'God', in this case the true god: The Flying Spaghetti Monster. He told me I'm his son, and he gave me the 'Ten Commands', and instructed me to convince all my 'niggas/homies' about his existence. Please convert to Pastafarianism, or be damned to eternal suffering.'', Blu said.
''Uhhhhhh…'', Rafael said.
''Please.'', Blu begged.
''Hmmmmm…'', Rafael sayingly said
''Pretty please,'', Blu beggingly begged
''Ahhhhhhhhh…'', Rafael said more sayingly than what he previously sayingly said.
''Pretty please with sugar on top.'', Blu begged more beggingly than his previous beggingly beg.
''WRRRRRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY…'', Rafael sayingly said more sayingly than what he previously sayingly said.
''I'll give you money.'', Blu offered.
''I'm sold! Honey, we are now Pastafarians!'', Rafael announced to his massive family.
And so Blu checked off Rafael. Now he had to convince someone else…Some random bird family. He flew to a random hollow and harassed the occupants.
''Sup motherfuckers, the FSM sent me with the holy mission to convert people to Pastafarianism, and you should convert or be damned for all eternity!'', Blu announced to the poor souls inside.
''Who the fuck are you, and what the hell are you talking about?'', the occupants, who were a Golden Conure family of 6.
''The epic, one true religion: Pastafarianism! Worship the Flying Spaghetti Monster or suffer. I also have this stone tablet, with the 10 commands. Get a free copy today when you sign up with CircleSpace using the code ''IAmAFuckingShillAndATool/CircleSpace''. Only for a limited time, the first 200 to sign up get the copy for free, and the rest get absolutely nothing!'', Blu said.
''Okay we're sold!'', the family said.
Blu decided that he needed to get some food, as harassing people was a lot of work. He ate his sole diet of mangoes. He then continued, harassing more unsuspecting bird families, and converting them. After a whole day of doing so, and converting 9 families, pissing off 3, and pissed one off so much they beat the shit out of him and breathed on him. (inside joke)
Blu headed back to his hollow.
''Hey Blu, how's your day been. Anyways wanna have sex?'', Jewel said.
''My days been good, and I don't want to have sex.'', Bly said
''Please?'', Jewel begged.
''No.'', Blu sayingly said as firmly as my nipples.
The two blue birds went to sleep. The next day they got up, had mangoes, and Blu headed off to convince humans.
Meanwhilst'd at some restaurant
Karen walked to the local Italian restaurant in Rio, with no actual Italians. Karen was a blonde from California. She wore a 'healing crystal', had numerous Buddha tattoos and Buddha décor at her house. She entered with her 5 piece of shit kids hanging off her like Spider Monkeys.
''Konichiwa,'' she greeted and bowed at the door servant. He stared at her with the look that said ''What the fuck went wrong with your development?''. He let her in, dumbfounded with her. Her shitty walking condom advertisements wreaked havoc on the establishment.
''Ma'am, can you control your kids, please.'', the clerk said.
''What the fuck did you just say to me bitch? I'm the mother, so don't go saying nothing about my parenting. I'm a proud anti-vaxx, pro 'Healing crystals boost your frequency vortex', mother, and my kids are fine.'', Karen ranted.
''No, they're not. Also abuse towards staff will not be tolerated.'', the Clerk said sick of her shit.
''Nuh-uh bitch! Where's your manager?! I'll get your ass fired!'', Karen threatened the clerk.
''Bitch. Do you really think I give a single fuck about this stupid job? I am a Planck Length away from quitting. You ain't shit.'', the Clerk told her.
''I ain't shit? Okay…I'm calling the fucking police.'', Karen said.
Karen continued to make a scene, whilst her condom advertisements wreaked havoc on the poor bastards at the restaurant. She was promptly thrown out.
''Imma leave a one star review on trip adviser and tell all my minion meme sharing friends on Facebook!'', Karen announced, as if they gave a shit. She then stormed off.
Blu flew in, and carried a bunch of post-it sticky notes, to use as flyers for the FSM.
''Time to get to work.'', Blu sayingly said more sayingly than anything anyone else has ever sayingly said.
That wraps up chapter 3. Yes, there is a reference to Sethical.
Also if you're wondering why I made Rafael Jewish…Just think about it…
Anyways next chapter will be out soon, unless I die.
Until next time, goodbye.