*Disclaimer: I own nothing of Gainax, Khara, or Warner Bros. Records.*
It was morning in Tokyo-3, another mundane school day in-between Angel attacks. The students of classroom 2-A had all filed in by the time the clock struck 9 and the bell rang. While they chatted away, the sound of footsteps from outside the room alerted Hikari to the fact that the teacher would be arriving. Quickly, she stood up and got the class's attention with her usual three words:
"STAND! BOW! SIT!"
The students did as they were told as the teacher finally entered the room. There was just one major problem though: the person who entered wasn't the old man prone to droning on about life before and during Second Impact.
To the surprise of the students, standing in front of the teacher's desk was a middle-aged Western-looking woman dressed in a nun's habit. Soon enough, the students broke into chatter amongst themselves, wondering just who this new face was, and where their regular teacher was. Well, all except Rei, who assumed her usual position of leaning on her arm as she stared out the window.
"Good morning, class," the nun greeted in perfect Japanese, albeit with a slightly prissy tone of voice.
The students didn't seem to acknowledge her greeting as they kept on chatting.
"Good morning, class," she greeted again, this time a bit louder.
Again, her greeting went unnoticed as the chatter continued.
"Class?!" she said loudly, again attempting to get their attention.
Again, her effort was in vain as the students kept chatting.
"SHUDDUP!" she screeched, which instantly silenced the entire classroom and got everyone's surprised eyes on her, including Rei's, after the First Child found herself suddenly jolted out of her reverie.
"Thank you," the nun said in her prissy voice. "As you may have noticed, your regular teacher, Mr. Fujiyama, is not here today. At the behest of the school board, he's been advised to take a short, much-needed vacation. I am your substitute teacher, Sister Mary Elephant."
Her introduction, unfortunately, had the unintentional effect of causing nearly every student in the classroom to burst into laughter. Every student, that is, save for Shinji, who had a confused look on his face; Rei, who raised her eyebrow in a Spock-ian manner in her curiosity; and Hikari, who was trying her best to get her classmates to calm down. Sadly for her, it wasn't working.
"What kind of a name is that?" Asuka managed to get out in-between laughs.
"Yeah!" Toji added between laughs as well, "I mean where'd she teach before, Noah's Ark?"
"Class, attention," Sister Mary Elephant said, trying to restore order.
Her request fell on deaf ears as the laughter continued.
"Attention, class," she tried again, just a bit louder.
The laughter still kept going.
"Class?!" she said yet again.
Once more, she was met with laughter.
"SHUDDUP!" she screeched.
Immediately the laughter halted, as the now-quiet students shrank back from her yell.
"Thank you," Sister Mary Elephant said as she returned to her prissy, but level tone of voice. She then turned her gaze towards Kensuke. "Young man, please hand me that camcorder, if you will." Reluctantly, after looking from Toji (who merely shrugged) to Shinji, Kensuke got up and handed his video camera to Sister Mary Elephant, who promptly opened a drawer in the desk and placed it in there.
"Thank you," she said as Kensuke returned to his desk. "Now class, you all now know who I am, so let's find out who you are."
Soon a new wave of chatter erupted from the students, this time all of it tinged with skepticism.
"Class?" Sister Mary Elephant said.
Vocal speculation continued to run wild among most of the students.
The jabbering continued with no seeming end in sight...
The students once again fell into surprise silence. "Whoa, man..." Toji quietly said in amazement.
"Thank you," Sister Mary Elephant said in her normal voice. "Now class, Mr. Fujiyama left me some notes on the assignments for this week and the week before. One of those assignments was a short essay on how you spent your time during the class trip to Okinawa this past week. Who would like to read theirs before the class?"
Immediately the students chatted among themselves to try and get someone brave enough to volunteer.
A hint of desperation immediately became apparent in the chatter.
Still no volunteer emerged as the chatter kept going.
The class was shocked into silence, once again.
"Thank you," Sister Mary Elephant said as she turned her gaze to Rei. "Young lady by the window, stand up, state your name, and read your essay, if you please."
Rei was dumbstruck (as was the rest of the class) by being singled out. Apparently, someone hadn't informed Sister Mary Elephant of not only the fact that she was an Evangelion pilot, but that she, Shinji and Asuka hadn't even gone on the trip to Okinawa because they were needed in case of an Angel attack.
"Me?" Rei asked with a hint of surprise in her voice.
"Yes," replied Sister Mary Elephant. "Read your essay, please."
"I, uh..." Rei began to say as she reluctantly stood up, "I do not..." And then, for the first time in her life, Rei lied to a teacher. "...Have a finished essay at this time."
"Well then," Sister Mary Elephant said, "please do read what you have, young lady."
Rei, still reluctantly, grabbed a blank piece of paper from her desk and slowly walked to the front of the class, where she turned around to face her classmates. She then began to "read" off of her paper, recounting what she and the other pilots were up to while the class was in Okinawa.
"Due to prior commitments, I was unable to accompany the class to Okinawa," Rei began. "Therefore, I spent the weekend of that trip here in the city, as did Sohryu and Ikari."
Way to throw us under the bus, First, Asuka muttered mentally.
"While we could not go to the beach," Rei continued, "that did not mean we were not far from the water. Thus, we spent some time at the...local pool." Rei was careful to leave out the fact that it was the pool at NERV HQ's exercise facility. Sister Mary Elephant nodded as she followed along listening.
"While I swam some laps in the pool," Rei continued, "Ikari sat at a table engaging in some schoolwork, while Sohryu attempted to 'show off' for him in a red and white-striped two-piece swimsuit."
Sister Mary Elephant, along with a majority of the students, blanched as they then turned their gazes briefly to Shinji and Asuka, whose faces had gone bright red. Apparently Rei had been very much aware of her surroundings on that day at the pool.
Oh, gott, please don't go into any further detail...Asuka thought to herself warily.
"Sohryu leaned over to help Ikari answer a few of the questions on his assignment," Rei continued. "For some reason, Ikari kept blushing while Sohryu typed on his laptop."
Shinji and Asuka then slowly began to sink into their seats, as if to hide themselves from the eyes of their classmates, especially those who were starting to giggle and snicker quietly.
"Um, that's fine, young lady-" Sister Mary Elephant tried to interject.
"Then Ikari asked Sohryu about the scientific principle of thermal expansion," Rei continued, undaunted. "To help demonstrate the concept to him, she cupped her chest, and asked him if her chest would expand should she try warming only it..."
Shinji and Asuka's faces turned an even brighter shade of red as they sunk lower into their seats, embarrassment overwhelming them as the students began laughing, a few of the girls even going 'oooooh' with gossipy delight.
"Uh, th-that's fine, young lady," Sister Mary Elephant attempted to assert.
"Ikari, still blushing, looked off to the side, perhaps flustered by this. At that point, Sohryu then called Ikari a 'boring guy'..." Rei said as she kept going.
"Young lady-!?" Sister Mary Elephant asserted a bit more loudly.
"Sohryu then donned scuba gear to go practice diving at another end of the pool-" Rei said as she kept going.
"SHUDDUP!" Sister Mary Elephant screeched, startling Rei enough that she jumped while the rest of the class went silent again. Shinji and Asuka straightened up back in their seats, all traces of embarrassment gone from their faces.
"Thank you," the nun said in her normal voice as Rei slowly, nervously returned to her seat.
Great, now I gotta go to the can, Toji thought to himself.
"Now class, I have a surprise for you! Instead of lecturing about the years following Second Impact..." She then proceeded to take out a small book from behind her back. "...I'm going to read you some poems out of this lovely book of poetry." The nun paid no attention to the groans that erupted from most of students.
Well, at least it's not another lecture, Shinji thought to himself. Sister Mary Elephant then opened the book to a certain page and began to read:
"The sun kisses the morning skies..."
As soon as she began reading, the class started to fall asleep. Apparently it was just as boring as one of their regular teacher's lectures.
"The birds kiss the butterflies..."
Drowsiness continued to be unintentionally inflicted upon the students, as one-by-one, the pilots began dozing off on their desks. Snores sounded from a few of them, Asuka surprisingly being the loudest.
"The dew kisses the morning grass..."
Not even Rei was safe from the subtle sleep spell that Sister Mary Elephant's poetry reading was having on the class, as soon she herself was out like a light. Sister Mary Elephant stopped in the middle of the page as she finally noticed the slumbering students.
"Class?" she called out.
Not a student stirred.
"Class!?" she tried again at a slightly louder volume.
Still, not a single student woke up.
"Cla-WAKE UUUUPPPP!" she screeched at the top of her lungs. This had the effect of jolting all the students awake, as well as really startling them into turning their focus back on the nun. Only one student said a thing the next minute.
"I still gotta go to the can, man!" Toji said quietly to himself.
I've blended a lot of famous comedy bits with EVA in my relatively short amount of time on this site. I've riffed on Abbott and Costello, utilized elements of Looney Tunes, invoked Allan Sherman, and paid tribute to Monty Python.
This may as well be the first fic that gives Evangelion a taste of Cheech and Chong.
I mean really, given the classroom setting of most of the civilian moments of EVA, the use of their "Sister Mary Elephant" sketch was a perfect piece to bring into the otherwise bleak existence of EVA's teenage cast.
Who knows, maybe I'll follow it up with Rei somehow getting pulled into the "Dave" routine...