"Citizen Kane! That was not the super hero thing to do and you are incorrect. I saw citizen l…"
Madame Bloodbathe: Kane couldn't think of any other way to respond that would shut the Hurricane up quite as effectively as punching him in the face. And he was right punching him in the face worked splendidly…for a while.
"I don't want to know." Lita stepped over the Hurricane, who was on the ground, face down trying to collect all his teeth. "Look we need everyone we can get to help tear Victoria away from Riff Raff. Can I count on you guys?"
"Of course," Kane eagerly agreed, "we'd love to help you. Wouldn't we."
"I think you broke my jaw." The Hurricane whined, "why did you hit me?"
Kane leant over him. "My hand slipped," Kane growled through gritted teeth, "and we'd be happy to help Lita right?"
"Helping people is what super hero's do." The Hurricane posed and ran off into the night.
"Is he coming back?" Lita asked.
Kane watched the Hurricane's retreating form, "do we need him? I mean really."
" S'pose not." Lita shrugged, "we need a plan to get me out of marrying Frank and to get Riff Raff away from Victoria. Got any ideas?"
"Who else is working on this?" Kane turned to face her.
"So far. You, me and possibly the Hurricane."
"Oh. Well in that case we don't have a hope in hell. But let's go back inside you look like you're getting cold." Kane put his arm around Lita's shoulder's and conveyed her inside.
Steven Richards was still at the table eating when Rocky (Frank's creation) came shuffling in. He sat down and started to eat as well. Richards wasn't a picky eater but he was nothing compared to Rocky. There was slobber all over the table and horrible slurping noises emanated from his flesh filled mouth.
Richards shrugged and forked another piece of meat into his mouth, "so, do you know what this is?"
Rocky got a big smile and he nodded and banged on the table. "ei, ei." he grunted.
Richards just stared at him strangely, "heavy? Oak tree? Greasy? I don't understand."
Rocky shuffled to the head of the table and pulled the tablecloth off spilling everything onto the ground.
"Hey there's a dead body in the middle of the table. Well parts of one, I wonder what happened to the rest of this poor dude. Hey what are you doing?"
Rocky climbed onto the table and pulled the leather jacket off the body, he held it out to Richards. He pointed to the back of it, "ei, ei, ei."
Steven Richards pulled the leather jacket out of Rocky's hand and smoothed it a bit, he turned it around and looked at the back. It was falling apart there were bit's of chain missing and the little bits of bone on the "BABY" were falling off. He shook it out and the decrepit label fell out of the neck. He bent to pick it up, "Eddie. This is Eddie's body, yes but what is this" and he picked up a piece of flesh from his plate.
Rocky tore the meat from out of Steven Richards' hand. He held it up and turned it over. There were markings on it. Steven squinted to see it but he couldn't.
Rocky (much to Richards disgust) reached into the table and pulled out the torso of the body. He turned it around and revealed a rather saucy tattoo. The tattoo was missing a small chunk that is until Rocky placed in the space the flesh he had taken off Steven Richards.
Richards leaned in for a closer look, "so we were eating Eddie?"
Rocky nodded frantically and placed Eddie back in the table.
Richards nodded slowly, "and now I'm going to hurl."
Richards left the dining room very quickly leaving Rocky to finish his meal.
"So we're screwed."
"Yeah that's about it."
"Bugger." Lita was trying to make the most of a bad situation. Kane wasn't helping.
"So who else is in on this?" Kane was sitting in the Zen room.
Lita was pacing in front of him at the point of tearing her hair out in frustration. "Magenta and Columbia… when they're finished. And you and me."
"When we're finished." Kane approached her.
"What?!" Lita turned to face Kane and ended up backing up to the wall as he continued toward her.
"I said," Kane was little more than two feet from her and closing, "when we're finished."
Matt Hardy walked in casually followed by Columbia and Magenta. Matt walked up to Kane and pulled Lita away while glaring at Kane every minute.
"You know…talking." Kane shrugged and sat down. Columbia bounced up to sit on his knee.
Magenta looked out the window, "I grow weary of this w…what the hell is that?"
*#CRASH, BOOM, BANG, THUMP #*
"It's a bird." Columbia rushed to the window ledge.
"It's a plane." Lita kissed Matt on the cheek and ran to join her.
"It's a dork." Kane didn't have to look up to know whom the small green entity was crashing through the window with such a noise.
The Hurricane jumped up and struck a pose. "Ah, it appears to be some sort of glass force field. But it didn't hold me, the Hurricane, back. Wats up wit dat?"
"So what is it we're here for?" Steven Richards walked in looking rather ill.
Matt patted him on the back, "you look sick dude. You OK?"
Richards swallowed nervously, "I don't want to talk about it."
"Let us speak somewhere else," Magenta looked at the monitor in the corner of the room. "The master is in the theater with his creation. Let's sit in the dining room." She hissed out the word master and then walked off leaving a small, confused rabble in her wake.
"SHIFT IT!" she walked back in and pointed to the dining room like a demented sign.
When everyone had crowded into the dining room (except Steven Richards) Magenta cleared her throat and began to speak.
"Are we all here? Everyone who is interested in helping me to reclaim my beloved Riff Raff? Where is the little man with the pink underpants?" she half leaned out of the doorway and saw him sitting on the ground.
Matt Hardy spoke up in his defense, "Um he said he couldn't come in here without barfing."
Confusion was written all over Magenta's face. Columbia leaned up and whispered. Magenta got a look of semi horror on her face and gingerly stepped away from the doorway.
"Question," the Hurricane's hand shot into the air, "why are we sitting in the dining room to speak about this most sinister plot?"
Magenta looked at Columbia. Columbia looked at Kane. Kane looked at Magenta.
"He want's to know why in here? Why can't we talk anywhere else?"
Lita took the floor, "you know those monitor things? There's one in the lab and in the Zen room and all the bedrooms. But there isn't one in here because it's a Transylvanian taboo to watch people eat."
Kane looked around nervously, "so they're watching us all the time."
"Well since you got here anyway! That's how Frankie kept an eye on the servants." She recanted when she saw the look on Magenta's face, "on everyone in the castle and sometimes in the grounds."
The Hurricane's hand shot up again, "so he knows about the vile villain that littered the grounds with a broken down wheelchair?"
Magenta looked at the Hurricane, "you saw the wheel chair? That belonged to Dr. Everett Scott. He was monitoring Frank. You see we're not exactly from around here. Well, Columbia is and Eddie was. But Riff Raff and the master and me we are from a distant planet."
The Hurricane jumped high into the air, "I told you so" he practically screamed at Steven Richards. Everyone at the table jumped and looked at the Hurricane like he was crazy lets face it in their minds he wasn't far off.
Richards came in to see why he was being yelled at. He sat down next to Columbia. "What?"
The Hurricane pointed at Magenta and hopped up on the table, " you're from a far-away planet in a galaxy that we've never heard of and this castle isn't a rocket but it does fly that's how you got here, right?"
Richards groaned when he remembered the conversation, it was hard to believe that it had been less than two hours ago. "I remember saying that (sort of) but I was joking."
"You were right." Magenta said simply. "We are Transylvanians. We come from a dark planet deep in the galaxy of Transylvania. It's called Transsexual to you. But we call it home."
"It is the land of night. We have no sun only a half moon and the planet is covered in beaches where black oceans wash up on black sands. We sing and dance eternally to it's dark refrain." Riff Raff entered speaking fondly of his home, his eyes opened to the gothic, funereal beauty of the moon-drenched shores of Transylvania.
"How could I forget sweet Transsexual or my own dear kin?" Riff Raff whispered.
Magenta looked at him with adoring eyes, "but what about her?" Magenta could not even bear to say the name of the harlot that had stolen her brother from her. She wanted to look away. But Riff Raff's gaze would not let her, "what about her? She was merely a distraction for the master to focus on while I rebuilt a stronger laser capable of emitting alternate beams of pure anti-matter and quasi-matter. It will destroy even Rocky."
"But I saw the way you look at her…" Magenta's voice filled with forgotten hurt.
"I may have looked at her but I saw only you." Riff Raff looked through the bitterness, the pain and found his little sister again. "To keep up this charade I must go back to her now, she should be waking up and I have to be beside her." He stroked his sister's face with the back of his hand and left as mysteriously as he had appeared.
"That was…weird." Matt Hardy looked around the table. Judging by everyone else's faces they thought so too.
"What's up wid dat?" the Hurricane pouted, "will someone tell the Hurricane, the w.w.e's only super hero, how exactly we are going to vanquish that terrible, despicable, evil…he's behind me isn't he?" The room watched as the Hurricane spun in circles until he was dizzy and on the ground.
"What's he doing?" Columbia squealed as she watched the Hurricane's eyes spin while he held his head still.
"Your guess is as good as mine." Kane picked up the Hurricane by the back of the neck and shook him. He was really quite fond of the little guy.
"Why can't we just carry her away?" Matt Hardy also known as Mr. logic asked.
Steven Richards opened his lab coat to show the bruises, "she bites and she's not going to like that."
"Not going to like what!" Victoria entered the room with a frightening speed, Riff Raff by her side. Magenta dove over the table at her, "how dare you steal him from me. If you were not favored by the master I would strike you dead where you stand."
"We're kinda straying from the issue here, people." Lita leaned over the table and waved her arms frantically trying to regain everyone's attention. "Let's get me out of marrying Frank N Furter then we can settle this family tiff."
"It's always about you isn't it, lowly Lita. You should be ashamed."
Lita glared at the Hurricane, he resumed wetting his pants.
"Come on. Battle plan people." Kane banged his fist on the table and the group settled.
Matt drew up the pros and cons of the situation, it didn't take long. "So we're a bunch of wrestler's stranded in a creepy castle in the middle of the night wearing only lab coats with a group of aliens one of whom holds all the power in his neatly manicured hands. We have no weapons and no hope in hell of getting out of this with our clothes. This is going to suck!"
Riff Raff ventured from Victoria's side cautiously, "that's not entirely true. Magenta and Columbia can fetch your garments and I have a stronger laser capable of emitting alternate beams of pure anti-matter and quasi-matter. It will destroy even Rocky."
The Hurricane leant close to Kane, "why does he keep saying that?"
Kane shrugged, "why do you wear your underpants on the outside?"
"Check mate." The Hurricane stood tall, "I say we storm the fortress! Take them all by force."
"Earth to comic book nerd," Matt Hardy clipped him across the back of the head, "we're in the "fortress" and who are supposed to storm Frank. All one of him?"
"You're right," the Hurricane rubbed his chin, "it's too easy."
Unsettled groans sounded and there was much shaking of heads and gnashing of teeth.
"But supposing we were to take the place by force we could smoke him out."
"No fires!" Lita looked at the big red machine not nearly so big or red in his white lab coat, "no fires!"
Magenta left briefly to check the monitor in the Zen room. Frank and Rocky were in the upstairs lab preparing for her transportation back to transsexual, Transylvania for execution. When she returned Lita had the Hurricane by the throat and Kane, Matt and Steven Richards were desperately trying to pull them apart.
"What's her problem?" Victoria asked Riff Raff. Victoria did actually seem concerned so Riff Raff explained quickly. "The master was going to have me killed for his attempted murder but he'd rather see me suffer so he is instead granting me to you and taking my younger sister back to our home planet to be executed before the royal Furter his mother."
"That's awful." Victoria muttered. The room fell to silence.
Magenta sniffled, " they are preparing the sonic transducer I will be dead within the hour."
"The hell you will!" Victoria grabbed Magenta and embraced her. "What's a sonic transducer?"
Riff stepped forward, "the sonic transducer is a kind of audio-vibratory, physio-molecular transport device. It will be ready in half an earth hour. Then we will be called into the grand theater for the floor show."
Columbia was shaking and kind of pale she was also getting quieter. No one seemed to notice.
"How many exits are there in the grand theater?" Matt took all the possible options into his mind, different strategies and plans made themselves known to him and only him.
"Three," Riff said, "the doors leading from the hallway and doors on both sides of the stage. Behind the curtains of course."
Matt wrote with his finger in the dust of the table while everyone crowded around him.
"Look you can actually see the wheels turning."
Matt didn't even look up, "your not helping, Shane."
"Hurricane," the Hurricane pouted.
The half-hour ticked slowly by, Magenta jumped when she was called to the grand theater. Accompanied by both Riff and Columbia she walked slowly in. the rows of blue striped deck chairs had been set up along side a narrow aisle. Rocky stood behind Frank on the stage in the front of a R.K.O tower. Magenta stepped up to face him.
"Riff Raff. Columbia. Go and clean the laboratory." Frank boomed happy to hear his own voice again. Riff Raff motioned for Columbia to go first and she did. The elevator creaked and rattled as it rose. Magenta watched with tears in her eyes as her brother disappeared from sight.
"You thought that you could save your brother and yourself what a pathetic existence you both lead. You will die and I will be married and I will inherit wealth and privilege and title and you won't even be able to pay for your grave. I can't say I'll miss you skulking about the castle always in my way… But I will miss the way your flesh tastes when your brother is in town fetching food and simple necessities. Will you miss me Magenta?"
The wrestlers standing ready on the stage behind him couldn't help but overhear. Lita and Matt in the right wing, Victoria and Steven Richards in the left. Lita looked at Victoria from across the stage. Their eyes met and the same ice ran through their veins, it was no wonder Magenta hated Frank the way she did. Steven Richards began to shift nervously while Matt silently fumed both more anxious for the signal than ever before.
The Hurricane was in the lab waiting for Columbia and Riff Raff he had been briefed on the use of the duel-matter accelerator (another of Riff Raff's inventions) and was quite happily blowing things up when the elevator creaked to a stop.
Riff Raff looked around at the small black charred piles, the smoke still rising off them. "At least you know how the duel-matter accelerator works, now this is very important. It is absolutely crucial that the beams never cross…"
"Just like ghost busters!" the Hurricane leapt into the air.
Riff looked at Columbia. "It was a film about ghosts and spirits." She squeaked.
Riff looked back at the Hurricane who was aiming the accelerator at the few appliances left in the lab, "get in the elevator. Go…now!"
They stood waiting for the appropriate time period. Then commenced the descent as planned.
"You never answered me," Frank stood behind Magenta whispering to her, "will you miss me, Magenta?"
The flooring over the pool began to glow. Rocky shrank away from the transducer, Magenta shivered and Frank's eyes lit up. "Ah Magenta. You're time is up. Say good bye to all of this…"
He turned slowly the footsteps behind him not those of Rocky. Lita, Matt Hardy, Victoria and Steven Richards advanced on Frank n Furter. They took the greatest care not to tread on the sonic transducer and also to look threatening without physically touching the Transylvanian prince. Frank backed up to the elevator slowly, right on cue the elevator shaft started to shake and a dull creaking signaled the approach of Riff Raff, Columbia and the Hurricane.
Frank panicked when he saw himself almost surrounded by all of these strangers and his vile servants turned on him. He ran through the aisle between the deck chairs while still they advanced on him. He took the steps two at a time and triumphantly flung the doors open only to start back in horror. Frank n Furter took one look at the big red machine and backed right up. He was surrounded on all sides.
"WHY? WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS! I AM YOUR MASTER, YOU WILL OBEY ME! You have no choice but to obey me?" Frank's screams fell on deaf eyes. The wrestlers pushed him back with their empty stares he stood on the threshold of the sonic transducer. The Hurricane raised his duel-matter accelerator, Riff Raff by his side raised the laser capable of emitting alternate beams of pure anti-matter and quasi-matter. Riff fired, Rocky leapt in the way of his master and took a fatal load of rays. Rocky fell where he had stood his carcass smoldering and bubbling in the after math. Magenta had moved away from Frank and was very glad that she did for she knew looking into his terror filled eyes that she was finally free. And so was Riff Raff. The Hurricane was banging his accelerator on the heel of his hand it wasn't working. If it did go off it would blow the castle past Transylvania straight to oblivion. The rays would be crossed. It spelt doom for them all. Riff looked past the steaming body of Rocky to Frank. He recocked the laser and prepared for the inevitable end of the worst years of his life.
"It's all over. Your mission is a failure. I'm the commander, I will take no prisoner, no not this time. You think I don't know what you have done to my dear Magenta? I knew all along I have yearned for this moment my entire life and most of hers."
He held the laser up at eye level and pulled the trigger slowly savoring the moment.
"GOT IT!" the Hurricane yelled triumphantly pulling the trigger of his duel-matter accelerator and stepping forward.
"NO, WAIT!" Magenta screamed.
The beams crossed. The duel beam hit Frank and blew a hole straight through him. It was an exit wound you could have thrown a cat through. After it hit the backdrop behind Frank it ricochet back along the original paths, in the blink of an eye Riff Raff had thrown his laser to the ground and jumped back. Everyone else had done the same all except the Hurricane who had accidentally stepped on the transducer not only was he stuck but the beam that had just blown another man apart was heading straight for him. He watched calmly as the blue-green beam twisted around the red-purple beam and felt it explode through his chest.
"Shane? SHANE?!" Columbia screamed at the top of her lungs. The last thing he saw was a blinding white light. The last thing he felt was a dull pain thudding through his chest and the last thing he heard was Columbia's voice calling him back. "Shane, Shane!"
"SHANE, SHANE! WAKE UP SHANE! YOU STUPID SON OF A BITCH!" thud! A monstrous blow drove the air from his lungs. Shane helms, the Hurricane, sat up wheezing. Austin was leaning over him. Kane shoved him aside, "wake up dude! We're here!"
"What?" Shane sat up groggily and looked around, "where?"
"At a creepy castle in the middle of the night!" Kane raised an eyebrow, "at mark's wedding, duh! What's wrong with you man? Look you've creased your tux." Kane pulled the Hurricane out by the scruff of his neck and tried to straighten him out.
"Sorry mother! But I have this weird-ass dream." The Hurricane started.
"That's nice," Kane turned him brushed all the weird shit off the back of him and pushed him into the church, "tell me all about it later!"
After the wedding the Hurricane sat on his own picking at the leftovers on his plate, watching Amy dance with Matt, Victoria dance with Steven Richards. Even Kane was dancing with some chick with red hair with white stripes Shane was sure he'd seen her before but he couldn't place where.
"Shane? Shane helms?" a female voice inquired.
Shane sighed, "yes that's me." He turned and jumped back a little. "Columbia?"
"Pardon me?" she looked confused. "I'm Sara. I just married mark."
"Congratulations! I hope you'll be very happy together," the Hurricane tried to cover his tracks.
She looked at him funny, "what did you call me before?"
Shane checked himself, "sorry, please don't be offended. I just thought you were someone else."
Sara smiled down at him and placed a small box in his hand, "I was."
Shane looked at the box and decided against looking at it. That had really creeped him out.
He stood with the others as they watched the newly married couple drive away on the undertaker's newest Harley. Then followed everyone else to the bus that a few of them had hired. Matt and Lita had the back seat, Steven Richards had the seat in front of them the Hurricane had the seat in front of his and Victoria sat in font of him. In the driver's seat was Austin, Kane was riding shotgun and making a terrible mess of the maps.
"What'd you get?" Richards asked Shane over the seat, "I got a mug."
"I don't know I haven't looked."
"Well look," Victoria leant over the seat in front, "or we'll look for you."
"Be my guest!" the Hurricane half passed half threw the small box at her.
"What is it?" Victoria opened the box and threw it to Richards.
"I don't know. Some toy gun I suppose. Anyway it's perfect for you, O child who never grew up." Steven Richards passed it back.
The Hurricane tipped the box onto his hand, he squinted at it, "no it can't be."
To the others he held in the light a plastic toy ray gun but to the Hurricane that had been there on that fateful night he held a laser capable of emitting alternate beams of pure anti-matter and quasi-matter.
Austin turned up the radio;
And super heroes come to feast
To taste the flesh not yet deceased
But all I know is still the beast is feeding
And crawling on the planet's face,
some insect's called the human race,
lost in time and lost in space
Madame Bloodbathe: you know there's something wrong when you hear the driver say, "oh oh we're fucked…"