Tell Me A Story, Author

A Chat With The Cast

"Ok, now all of you listen up, I'm going to write an X-men fanfiction." There were assorted groans from everyone present. "Shut up, all of you, this is your job, you're all getting paid good money plus benefits."

"What kind of fanfiction?" Logan asked warily.

The Author hesitated slightly, "It's going to be either Nightcrawler and an original character or Nightcrawler and Ororo."

"All right!" Nightcrawler exclaimed, jumping up. "I am irresistible!" He winked suggestively at Ororo who gave him a sly smile. Then he suddenly perked up. "Hey is this going to be a Mary Sue?" "I love those girls they are so hot!" "Not to mention so ready to 'experiment'."

"No, this isn't going to be a Mary Sue, I would not be a good person to stick in the X-Men universe." "I'm much too sensible to be running around in chafing black leather to save people who hate me." "Now all of you put your noble little buts in your chairs and listen to the plot."

"Now, naturally there is going to be some angst, having to do with Nightcrawler's religion and such, there will probably be a little bit of implied sex too, nothing too steamy, I'm aiming for PG-13."

"Hah, no on-camera action for you, Kurt!" Logan laughed.

"Hey what about the rest of us?" Scott asked.

"Shut up, Cyclops," Logan said.

"Or what?" Scott said belligerently.

"Scott, I hate to point this out, but the only real reason you exist is so that when Jean and Logan sleep together she can roll over and say, 'wow, you're so much better than my last boyfriend'."

"That's not true!" Scott said in a sniveling tone. Then he noticed Jean's hand on Logan thigh. With a whimper he sat down, curling into the fetal position. The Author ignored him.

"Hey, has anyone noticed that everyone has been spelling my name rather oddly?" Ororo asked. "When it is spelled O-R-O-R-O it looks like an oreo." "I think we should spell it A-U-R-O-R-A." Aurora told them.

"Any objections?" the Author asked. The Professor raised his hand. "Yes?" Author asked.

"I think we should leave it Ororo; it'll look weird if we go against all the other fictions."

"Wheels has a point, Aurora," The Author conceded.

"I guess we could leave it, but in my heart it will always be Aurora, just like the Aurora Borealis!" Ororo gave her a vapid smile at odds with her no-nonsense appearance.

"Fine, whatever," Author said. "Moving on..." "There's going to be a romantic subplot to the romantic/action/adventure theme." "Most likely that will be Logan/Jean unless I use the original character and then it will be Ororo/Gambit." "I'd prefer not to do that, but I can't stand the idea of pairing Logan and Ororo, it's just-," She paused searching for a word.

"Disgusting?" Ororo suggested.

"Repugnant?" Kurt added helpfully.

"Sickening, revolting, incurring of a reversal of the peristalsis action?" Charles grinned.

"Hey!" Logan objected.

"Well, I'm sorry Logan, but you are nowhere near her type," Author said.

"That is incredibly insulting, I don't have to take this!!!" He stood up to leave.

"Logan if you go, I can't promise I won't pair you up with Mystique," Author called. Logan froze, his eyes widening with terror.

"You wouldn't," he gasped.

"Try me," Author said in a threatening tone. Logan stomped back to his seat. "Well, I think I have the plot well enough in hand that I don't need to bore you with the details," Author said. "I wanted to let you know that I have a vague conceptualization for a kind of angsty short story involving another OC." "It's going to be about a little girl and suicide and such, a real tear jerker so it's new territory for me." "I expect you all to do your best to be properly heart-rending, ok?"

"Yeah, no problem bub," Wolverine said.

"Wolverine, call me bub again and I'll have the Professor make you think you are Scott's Russian sex-slave," Author said, in the same deadly tone.

"Ohh, crossed her twice in one meeting, not very smart," Nightcrawler said. His tail inched unobtrusively up Storm's thigh.

Wolverine was clearly scared, but tried to play it off. "Why would the Professor do that for you, I'm his team member."

"Yeah, but I've been sleeping with him to make up for him not being a key player in my fanfiction," Author said smugly.

Professor Xaviar smiled and grinned at Author who winked back. "How do you- it's not possible- what the-" Logan blustered in shock. "How?"

"I'm a writer, I simply wrote in a handy healing mutant and made him 'fully functional'." Author grinned at the subtle Star Trek reference that she had managed to sneak in. "By the way, I may have a Magneto fic coming out eventually, so I invited him here too."

Magneto floats in from the ceiling, manipulating the steel in the bottom of his red boots. "Good morning all," he said contentedly.

"Why are you so happy?" Jean asked suspiciously, inching closer to Wolverine who was ironically the worst person to defend her against the metal-manipulating mutant. (The narrator grinned at her alliteration.)

Magneto grinned, "Did you think Charles was the only one getting some from the Author?" "She's quite a busy girl."

"I thought you were gay," Rogue said, speaking for the first time.

"No, Ian McKellen is gay, Eric knows how to treat a woman." The Author walked over, and Magneto wrapped an arm around her waist, grinning at her. They ignored as Ororo and Kurt began to make out on his chair.

"Hey, haven't I seen you somewhere before?" Bobby asked from his place across from Rogue.

"Um, no, I don't think so," Magneto said, suddenly nervous.

"Weren't you in that movie, Lord of the-." he was cut off as a metal bar suddenly jammed it's way into his mouth. His eyes widened and he spent several minutes removing it during which Ororo/Kurt, Magneto/Author, and Logan/Jean found comfortable places to kiss. Bobby didn't open his mouth again.

Eventually Author controlled herself, realizing that Xavier was probably feeling left out. "Sorry guys, but we had better wrap this up," Author said, then she grinned. "You guys need to learn to control yourselves," she chastised.

"What about you!" Wolverine asked, red lipstick smeared across half his face.

"I'm blaming mine on raging teenage hormones, what's your excuse?" Author smirked, "Perhaps you're going into heat, Wolverine?" Wolverine growled, wiping in vain at the bright lip color that still covered his lips and cheek.

Scott ignored them all, becoming suddenly fascinated by random objects in the manner of a small child. Author raised her eyebrows at Ororo and Nightcrawler who had obediently stopped kissing, but were still wrapped around each other. "I guess I'd better end this meeting now, seeing as we all have places we'd rather be." She gave a little wink to Xavier and Eric who's faces immediately brightened. She turned and exited the room.

The last thing Author saw before leaving with Charles and Eric in tow was Wolverine and Jean exiting to another empty room, Ororo and Kurt falling into a nearby closet with their lips glued together, and Scott doing something strange to one of the table's legs. Bobby had already slipped away to explore his obviously masochistic tendencies with Rogue.

"I guess everything is all right at the Xavier Institute," she thought, carefully setting the timer for one hour and pulling Charles into the room first. "See you in a bit, Eric," she said, tossing him an X-Men comic book. "Why don't you go slip into that number you wore last time?" she said with a wink.

Eric sighed, walking off to find his Gandalf costume while muttering to himself. "The things I do to get laid."

The End