a/n: I discovered Kimetsu no Yaiba a month ago, binged the anime, binged the manga, and somehow miraculously turned into a complete fujoshi for Sanemi and Giyuu. I love Sanemi the most, but I also love Giyuu in his weirdly hilarious state of dorkiness. I really found their interactions in the manga really funny and honestly, really cute with the trope of "opposites attract". I really enjoyed the good development for both characters.

If they're too OOC for you, please just excuse it as this is the first time I've made an honest attempt writing an actual romance for a gay couple. My forte is writing het but somehow I just really have been enjoying Sane/Giyuu. There are some things I took from Kimetsu Gakuen, some from KnY Chapter 205, and I mixed them together, but also a lot of other things are also of my own invention. I hope you can spot all the references to the canon material!

The Summer of Twenty One

-x-

- Tomioka Giyuu -

-x-

When I first saw Shinazugawa stepping through the door of the floral shop, I could remember a feeling of familiarity, as if I had known him or felt comfortable with the stranger already. I stood transfixed, almost overwhelmed by the confusing mixture of emotions, but to my surprise, I found himself strangely comforted by them — all at the same time.

His shock of white hair certainly stood out from the other customers in the shop, who, like me, were staring at him unashamedly. I'd been planting the dahlias absentmindedly before the wind chimes tinkered softly, signalling that the door had swung open. The manager had gone out for her lunch break and I'd been more than happy to take over the shop in the meantime.

The person before me was around my age; he was wearing a white tank top underneath a leather jacket with black jeans and some nondescript sneakers. At the knees, the jeans had been ripped artfully. A multitude of scars ran down from his face like lightning bolts, almost as striking as his hair.

Was he a rock star? I wondered as I saw him approaching me. Standing up from the flowerpots, I asked courteously, "Can I help you?"

(For some reason, I half-wished I wasn't wearing a gardening apron at that moment.)

"I'm looking for flowers for my ma," he said gruffly. "She's in the hospital."

"A lot of hospitals won't let you bring flowers anymore," I said truthfully, knowing the manager would have had my head cut off if she heard me talking like this. "They have pollen and fungus, and a lot of sick patients can be sensitive to that sort of thing."

"I don't care, shithead." Shinazugawa said bluntly. My eyes widened, a little taken aback at his brashness. "What kinda florist are you anyway, saying that kind of thing? Do you say that to everyone who gets flowers for hospital patients? I know it'd cheer Ma up if I'd get her something, even if they'd have to bin it. She used to garden when I was a kid."

"W-Well, we have some really nice lily-of-the-valleys..."

He looked at them before curling his lip in disgust. "She's already married, dumbass. Can't you get me something sweet and simple?"

"How about daffodils?"

He considered them briefly. "No, I don't think she likes daffodils."

"Azealias?"

"Something smaller. Something you could smuggle into a backpack, for example."

"Ah. Well... " I looked around for something small and portable. "How about chrysanthemums?"

-x-

Shinazugawa Sanemi

-x-

Ma liked the chrysanthemums, thank God. Not that I believed in God, in any case. He'd given her a shitty deck of cards in the game of life, and I'd be damned if that meant I had to pay respects every so often. I even stopped going to the shrines for New Years. Last time, I told Genya last time to take the kids to an oden stand and get them whatever the hell they wanted, but I insisted on staying at home just to get an hour's peace watching TV underneath the kotatsu by myself.

She looked so fucking pale and small over here. I'd never gotten used to the smell of antiseptic, but I sucked it up because Ma had it worse than the rest of us, and she never got to enjoy that break she was supposed to have after getting our family away from our father. It used to be that she was our hero, shielding herself from us when our old man went on his drunken rampages, but now she looked smaller and feebler. She was always short, but now it seemed like she would shrink into the hospital bed until there was nothing of her left.

She sat up once she saw me, breaking out into a kind smile. "'Sanemi," she said, her voice soft and gentle. "How are you doing?"

"Good, Ma. I'm doing real well," I said. "How's it going?"

"Oh, a bit boring," she said breezily, even though I could tell she was in pain. "I finished some of the books you brought over, though. They were really good."

Ma, like Genya, loved to read. It didn't matter if they were romances, or literary novels - it just had to have a good plot and that would be enough for either of them. I didn't care much for the library but it was a hell of a lot cheaper than going to the bookstore. Sometimes she'd ask for women's magazines, but other times, I'd get her manga just to cheer her up a bit. Lately, she'd been into some series about demon slayers, so I'd trudge into the convenience store near the hospital every week to buy the latest copy of Shonen Jump.

"Ma, you're forty-five," I grumbled as she looked excited once she saw the copy of her beloved manga peeking out of my bag. "You're too old to be reading this kinda shit."

"Watch your mouth, young man," she said sharply, and I muttered a quick apology. "And I don't care. There's a character in there that reminds me of ya." I rolled my eyes, but couldn't help smiling as she flipped through the volume, dog earring the page once she found it. Setting it aside, she took my hand now - they were tiny, compared to mine. "How are the children doing?"

"They're doin' all right," I said. "We had sukiyaki last night. I got paid the day before."

She smiled at that. "Thank goodness. They must have been really happy."

"Yeah, they were."

"If you add the dipping sauce to other side dishes, it'll make everything taste really good. Might be a good way to get Sumi eating more greens."

To me, it didn't matter if Sumi ate her vegetables, but as usual my mother couldn't help think of other people even as she was lying here in this stupid, horrible room with its horrible florescent lighting, the stench of death pervading like an ever present grim reaper. Still, I knew what she wanted to hear. "I'll pour it over the side dishes tonight," I promised her. "Tomorrow's Sunday, so I think most of the kids will be able to come over tomorrow."

"Good," she said warmly.

"Ma... you have to stop working so hard," I said. "I could pick up a third job, you know. I'd rather you just come home than end up in the hospital like this."

"Well, you've told me this a million times before I ended up here, but I'll give you the same answer like I always did back then: I'm old, and stubborn, and I'd rather work to make sure my children are happy."

"But - "

"Sanemi," she said sternly. "Trust me on this. You're entirely too young to tell this old bag of bones what to do."

"Hey! You're not that old!"

-x-

Tomioka Giyuu

-x-

"Oi, pretty boy."

The white haired boy had come back to the shop. My heart had started beating faster for no good reason, but I couldn't help it.

"My ma liked the flowers... so thanks."

I blinked. "You're welcome. And I'm not pretty."

He laughed at that. "Wasn't a compliment. You almost look like a girl."

My lips curled. All my life, I'd heard that from the guys at school. "Is that a problem?" I said sharply, out of pure reflex. Then I remembered that this would probably start a fight in the middle of the store, and that I should have shut up in the first place.

To my surprise, he looked thoughtful. "No, I guess not," he conceded. "Girls love that kind of shit these days. My little sisters are really into those Korean boy bands - the more girly they look, the crazier she gets over them."

I wasn't sure what to make of that.

He held his hand out. "I'm Shinazugawa Sanemi."

I took his hand cautiously. His palm felt rough and calloused to the touch. "Tomioka Giyuu."

"Oh shit." Shinazugawa's eyes widened. "You must be the guy that Tanjirou talks about. He told me he knew a guy who worked at a flower shop, but I didn't put two and two together. I think one of my friends mentioned about hiring you, too."

"... What else has Tanjirou said about me?"

"Nothing, really. He's not exactly a guy who talks badly of others, if that's what you're worried about." Sanemi shrugged. "I can't stand him personally, but it's good to know that you're his friend."

"Oh."

"Well, I gotta get to work. Maybe I'll see ya around, Tomioka." He grinned, and turned, ostensibly to leave. "Fucking weird jacket, by the way."

It wasn't until the door closed that I realized that I'd been holding my breath - but for what, I couldn't say exactly.

-x-

(Later on my break, I figured out that he reminded me of Sabito. He had that careless confidence that seemed to ooze out of his body without any hesitation whatsoever. There were people who get out of bed who knew exactly what they're supposed to do. But I wasn't like that. I still sometimes wasted time in the morning wondering what clothes I should be wearing as if I was back in fourth grade, back when my sister still took care of me.)

-x-

Kamado Tanjirou

-x-

Before I moved all the way to Tokyo, Urokodaki-sensei had asked me to look after Tomioka. As I was accepted to a high school near where Tomioka was studying, I was under no condition to say no. I had always liked Tomioka, who was the steadiest of us all, and every time I tried to fight him in the dojo, the battle would always end up with him winning. He had an elegant sort of fighting ability that seemed as fluid as water, to where you could barely see where his limbs would go until you were knocked flat on your back, wondering how you fell to the ground.

He stopped coming to the dojo, though. It was after Sabito died. At first, everybody visited his house and brought him homemade meals, asking how he was doing, and checking up on him, but eventually everybody would forget about the horrible tragedy of losing a best friend and sister at the same time. I never did though; I made it a point to invite him over to our house for dinner every week because I had the horrible feeling that if I didn't, he would forget the warmth of a family. Sometimes he would drop by and my mother would pile his dish high with curry or, if fish scraps were on sale, a steaming bowl of his favorite sanpeijiru; a soup with dashi stock, daikon, and salmon simmered together with vegetables. On other days, he wouldn't come out of his house for any reason and I'd have to check up on him only to find him curled in bed mid-afternoon in a daze, the fridge empty and the house desolate of company. What had used to be a comfortable living space for two people was now reduced to one.

Nezuko called him heartbroken, but I just thought he had a deep-rooted sadness that was already there in the first place.

Was it a lucky coincidence that we ended up in the same city three years later? To this day, I can't say for sure. He never really spoke of his feelings; but whenever I spoke to him after the accident, I had the impression that he was reduced to a shell of his former self. His eyes, bottomless like the ocean, always drifted to a place that I could never follow, as if it were a long forgotten dream.

-x-

Shinazugawa Sanemi

-x-

As it'd been a while and I was starting to see black hairs peek through, I had Mitsuri touch up my roots. I used to have hair just like my old man before I dyed it platinum white just to fuck with him, and we'd get into fights about it until Ma begged me to keep the peace. What I liked about it was that the color would stand out from the crowd. Even perfectly normal looking strangers on the train couldn't help walking over, wondering where I came from, and what was my story.

"Your hair's still really fluffy," Mitsuri huffed enviously, once she was done. "It's really not fair." Hers had been bleached for so long that it was hard to believe that her natural hair color wasn't, in fact, pink and green.

I grinned. "Your hair's a lot thicker, though."

She had to concede that I was right, and in her case, her hair bought her more admirers than mine ever did. Call it sex appeal, or moe, but Mitsuri had a certain charm to her that could even sway the most hardened of hearts, mine included. This was why, even though she was an average hairdresser by all standards, people kept coming back to her again and again. The only thing I could not understand about her was why she was with a guy named Iguro Obanai, who by all means just looked like a complete pushover. When I asked her why, she had laughed and said straightforwardly, "Listen, Sanemi, I'm not the smartest girl in the world. If anything, I'm kinda dumb, and old-fashioned. All I want is to get married, have a man I love hold me in his arms every night, and have a little restaurant someday. That's plenty for me. It's all I want out of life."

"And you think that's Iguro-san? You could have the pick of the litter, you know."

"Sure I could. But maybe the new guy would cheat. Or get bored of me. Maybe he'd see me as a sort of trophy." She grinned. "The thing about Iguro is that he doesn't give a crap about those things. When I'm around him, he sees me for who I am."

I sighed. "It must be nice, to be so sure that you're in love with someone."

"Have you ever been in love?"

"Never," I admitted. "Not even once. I've been with a few girls here and there, but I didn't think much about them."

"What about a guy?"

Something clenched in my stomach, hot and sickening. "Not really," I said, almost too quickly. After all, it hadn't been love. It was more of an infatuation, especially after he had placed a hand on my shoulder with a smile and told me that he thought of me as a brother.

Mitsuri's eyes had softened. "I see." But even though she called herself stupid, I knew she had seen that momentary twinge of hurt, and realized what it meant. After that particular conversation, she stopped setting me up on dates with girls that she had met through art school, or through other clubs. I was grateful for that, even if it meant we never broached that subject again. I barely had the time to take care of everyone on my plate, and even less time to even think about dating.

-x-

Tomioka Giyuu

-x-

I kept looking out the door so often to the point my manager had noticed.

"Tomioka-san, this is why nobody likes you," she said with a sugary, yet poisonous, smile. "Who exactly do you think you're waiting for?"

Blinking, I barely registered Shinobu standing next to me, much less her insult. "Sorry, tenchou."

The Kochou sisters alternated shifts. Sometimes it would be Kanae, who was nice and let me daydream all day as long as I did my work. And then the other times it would be her short-tempered sister, Shinobu, who was more interested in working me to the bone. Their parents were retired and were planning to sell the shop as soon as either sister married or found an occupation other than floral decoration, whichever happened first. The youngest daughter, Kanao, was still in high school and rarely came to the shop as she was often busy with club activities.

I was hoping for another glance at Shinazugawa, who as far as I was concerned, had been some sort of illusion. But it had been over two weeks since the last time he visited, and he hadn't come back to the shop yet, so I was starting to feel a bit dejected at the moment. It seemed silly to put it that way, but it was true.

To get my mind off things, I had decided to make plans on my own; Tanjirou would usually invite me to do something with his family that evening again. Like clockwork every Friday, he would call me over to his apartment for the most mundane reasons; he would go fishing and had caught too much fish, would I mind coming over because Nezuko made too much food? Or he saw there was supermarket sale on meat and therefore, it was a good time to make hamburger steak.

-x-

Shinazugawa Sanemi

-x-

It had been Genya's idea for everybody to gather around the Kamado house. Although they had only lived in Tokyo for a year, the Kamados had ingratiated themselves into the neighborhood as if they'd been here for years. Their oldest son, Tanjirou, was one of the most popular students in school, and had a good group of friends in his year. One of them included my little brother.

His family had bought an awful lot of meat and was intent on sharing with all of us. It was surprisingly generous of Tanjirou to invite Genya, and by association, all of our siblings, as I knew his family had grown up poor just as the rest of us Shinazugawas. As if he read my mind, he grinned sheepishly. "Saburo-jii-san bought it over yesterday while he was visiting us here. I told him that we couldn't possibly eat all of that and he told me that it was supposed to be shared with friends. So Mom and Nezuko stayed up late last night to prepare all the side dishes and marinades."

On table there was a handsome spread of sliced beef, pork belly, chopped vegetables, and dipping sauces. Two portable grills were set up in the middle of the bountiful feast. A large rice cooker on the warm setting stood humbly next to the outlet, near the table, and on the counter top there were two trays completely filled with onigiris, all wrapped securely in cling wrap so that they wouldn't stick to each other.

A kind-looking woman came out of the kitchen, wiping her hands on her apron. I'd seen her around the neighborhood a few times selling vegetables, but it was only now that I saw the resemblance between her and Tanjirou. "Oh, hello! You must be Sanemi. Genya has told us so much about you."

"I'm his oldest brother," I said, making sure to speak respectfully to her. "It's nice to meet you, Ms. Kamado."

She waved her hand airily. "Please, no need to be so formal. After all, you must be the same age as Giyuu, yes?"

"Who?"

She pointed a finger at Tomioka, who was sitting in the living room flipping through a magazine. A few Kamado kids were climbing on top of him, grabbing his ponytail or pulling on the sleeves of his jacket, but he barely noticed their presence, as if he was used to it.

Oh shit! I thought, recognizing him immediately. It's that weird florist guy!

"I've been asking him to come over for a while, the poor boy. Maybe now that you're here, he'll have somebody talk to. My son tries, but you know, he's only fifteen - I think there are just some things that he can't relate to as well."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, ever since his best friend and sister passed away, he's sort of clammed up. He won't open up, you see. He helped our family so much while we moved all the way from the north to this big city. You should have seen us trying to figure out how to use the trains over here. We're such country bumpkins, but we couldn't even help him out when he needed it the most... "

"I see... " I could say nothing to that.

"But what am I saying?" She frowned. "You must have a lot on your plate as well. Tanjirou has also told me about your mother. I must visit her soon."

"Ma would like that," I said. "She told me to tell you thank you for inviting us for dinner. From one mother of a big family to another, I think it helps her to know that we're not alone."

For a long moment, there was silence between us. Tanjirou had been very straightforward about how his father died back when I had asked him what happened. "It was cancer," he said calmly. "It was pretty bad. But in the end, he went down with a sense of dignity. It was unfortunate, but we made sure he had a decent burial." It was a testament to his character that he was still able to smile through it all, even through poverty and sickness. I didn't care for him much - his sense of optimism and idiotic kindness was something I never personally agreed with - but I respected him, all the same.

"What a wonderful thing to say," she said faintly, her eyes misting with dew. "She's raised a wonderful son, hasn't she?" I awkwardly looked at the floor; I never knew how to take compliments.

She placed her hand on my shoulder, just like Ma used to back when I was still a small child. "Don't worry too much about the future. Whatever will be, will be. Just take it one day at a time. That's my only advice."

-x-

I never liked pretty boys - it was the more normal looking guys walking down the street that seemed to catch my eyes the most. But I had the niggling notion that the new guy who showed up at dinner had something deeper going on underneath that exterior. I was pretty good at sussing out how good a guy would be in a fight. Most guys were total pussies, especially in this day and age. But I couldn't quite put a finger on Tomioka.

If I didn't know any better, I would have taken him for some prince of a foreign country. He was quiet, but his presence took up some space, and it was clear that Tanjirou respected him. Genya didn't seem to mind him too much, so I figured it was all right. Still, it was fucking weird the way he kept staring at me as soon as we sat around the dinner table, like some lab rat. I figured it was the scars; some people couldn't help it. Nevertheless, it bugged me.

Are you socially retarded? I kept wanting to ask him throughout the meal, but I wasn't interested in causing a fight. Besides, children were present, and it wouldn't do for Genya's stupid hot-headed aniki to ruin it after all the other dinners already ruined by Dad. So I shut up like a good boy, and tried to act every bit of a supportive brother.

In the meantime, I was cooking the meat for my younger siblings (who were not allowed to touch the grill) while absentmindedly listening to the conversation. Somehow, despite the pleasant atmosphere, I was feeling disjointed from everything. Tomioka had barely said a word, simply choosing to eat in silence, all while taking careful glances at me through dinner while Genya and Tanjirou were chatting away.

Finally I couldn't stand it anymore. "What's your fucking problem?" I finally asked; my muscles were itching for a fight. We were finally alone at the table; the kids were playing a game of football in the backyard, and Tanjirou's mother was in the kitchen for something or another. "Do I have something on my face or what?" I added, trying to suppress a snarl.

Tomioka quietly handed me a plate full of cooked meat. I assumed it was all for him. "You've barely eaten. I was watching you throughout dinner."

Now that caught me off guard. "Uh... thanks, I guess." I had expected him to say something rude about my scars, but I took the plate gracefully enough. Wanting to put the awkward moment behind me, I scrambled for something to say. "So... how'd you end up in this city?"

"University," he said, very seriously. "I'm in my third year."

"Oh."

"Is your mother out of the hospital yet?"

" ... No."

His eyebrows furrowed slightly, marring that handsome face of his. "She must be very ill, then. I hope she makes a full recovery soon."

"Thank you."

"Are you in college as well?"

"No. I deliver pizzas and move furniture to make a living. Two part-time jobs, but they take up a lot of my time."

"I see."

"How'd you get the job with the Kochou sisters?" I asked. "They usually don't hire anybody."

He shrugged. "Luck, I guess. They wanted a part-timer, and they interviewed me."

Something told me he was being sarcastic. I ignored it and tried to continue to figure out the mystery that was Tomioka Giyuu.

"Kochou Kanae was in my year," I told him. "We went to the same school."

One of his eyebrows lifted. "Really?"

"Really," I confirmed. "We even went out a few times, but it never really worked out."

Now he looked visibly disappointed. "Is that so? Well... she never told me."

He sighed deeply, and then he stood up quicker than a lightning bolt. He began to stack up some dirty dishes from the table, as if there was some demon chasing him; I could barely get another word in the conversation.

"Wait, I'll help you - " I scrambled to my feet, plate of meat long forgotten.

"No need," Tomioka cut in shortly. Was he trying to avoid my eyes? "I just remembered there was something I needed to do."

"Listen, I don't know what I said, but - "

Now Tomioka was the one who seemed on edge, not me. He looked at me, and ran a hand through his hair. "It's not you, it's me. Don't worry about it, OK?"

I watched him washing the dishes in the kitchen in silence, feeling somewhat miffed.

What's his fucking problem? I wondered. We were having a perfectly normal conversation, and I was starting to enjoy myself before he'd cut it off all of a sudden. Was it because he hated Kanae so much he couldn't even stand hearing her name? Which would make no sense at all, because she really was one of the nicest girls I'd ever met - nicer than Mitsuri, even. I was just trying to make friendly conversation, which almost never happened with me and a bloke.

I decided that thinking more about that idiot would be wasting energy and turned my head back to finish my meal. Heaven knows I'd need the energy to escort the kids back home after they had such a good time.

"Wow, Shinazugawa-kun, you're amazing."

I nearly choked on my yakiniku. Tanjirou whacked my back as I wheezed, trying to breathe.

"D-don't sneak up on people like that, you idiot!" I chugged down a glass of water, resisting the urge to hit him.

"Sorry. But... that's the most I've ever heard Tomioka-san speak in one day," he said. "I even invited him to a soumen eating contest last week, but the only things he said were 'Why?', 'Sure', 'I won', and 'Thank you for the meal'."

"That's probably because you're an idiot who thinks soumen eating contests cheers people up." I said, picking up my chopsticks to finish the rest of my meal. Tanjirou grinned. Unlike my little brother, I often thought Tanjirou had no common sense when it came to people. Still, he had a way of making people feel pretty good, so I let it slide.

I was chewing on a perfectly cooked piece of pork belly when it occurred to me that everything I'd eaten from the plate Tomioka had given me was absolutely delicious.

Damn, dude knows how to cook. Or at least, it's exactly how I like it.

I revised my opinion of him. Tomioka Giyuu was a nice guy, but he was also super fucking weird.

-x-

Tomioka Giyuu

-x-

If I earned a five-hundred yen coin for every time I got on the wrong bus, I would probably have saved enough money by now to visit the hot springs in Hakone by now. This was probably the best metaphor I came up to describe the trajectory of my life, and I had come up with such a phrase years ago. Still, I didn't expect to be as disappointed as much as I was when I found out that Shinazaguwa, was in fact, straight. In retrospect, I should have expected it, figuring that the first interesting person that I had come across in years since Sabito was off-limits.

The gloom was so apparent that Shinobu told me to go home early from the shop. "You're scaring away the customers," she said with that fake, I'm-just-barely-not-ripping-your-head-off smile. "Come back when you get some therapy and a prescription for some Xanax, OK?" For a girl who was three years my junior, she was terribly rude.

I went back to my apartment for the lack of anything better to do. I made myself a cup of instant noodles and mindlessly turned on the TV, hoping there would be some show that would take off my mind from the disaster that was yesterday's dinner.

At least he called me pretty, I tried to console myself, flipping through the channels before calling it a loss and turning it off. Even that wasn't enough to soothe my disappointment, so I decided to open my books to study for upcoming exams. I tried to read, but the words flowed through me like water. Nothing was sinking in, so I decided to take a walk in the park.

My sister had once called me an empath, which apparently meant that it was easy to feel overwhelmed by anything - whether it be crowds, excessive talk, or even my feelings existing in a vacuum. It explained a lot. Whenever I felt that way, I went to sit by the river.

Sabito ...

Sometimes I could spend an entire afternoon at the bank of the river and stare at all the boats going from one bank to another. Like a tired song that was replayed on the radio too many times, I thought about the past.

It was Sabito who used to drink with me next to the riverbank whenever we skipped school. It would usually be around spring-time, a month before the cherry blossoms would bloom, and you could feel that things would be different this year. His poison of choice were the oolong highballs you could get for a 100 yen coin (his reasoning was that if he was going to break the law, then he'd ought to have the strongest drink like a man), but I much preferred the lemon sours. Since he already looked like a delinquent, it was no problem for him to confidently stroll into a neighborhood convenience store as if he was already of age to drink.

We were supposed to go to the same university together. Not caring particularly where I went, I decided to apply to the same school as he did, and we had both studied hard to get in. But it wasn't entirely out of pure friendship that I'd chosen to follow him. I assumed that he would naturally be destined for great things, and I wanted to be in on the ride. He was much stronger than I was, both physically and mentally, but for some mysterious reason or another, he picked an ordinary kid like me to be his best friend.

"Hey Giyuu," he said one day, as we were sitting on the riverbank. It was the last day of our high school exams. "I heard that you turned down another confession. What gives?"

I shrugged. "Not interested, I guess." In fact, I could say that none of the girls really got me. Oh sure, maybe I looked cool sometimes, especially when I kept winning the district judo competitions, and maybe I was a lot nicer than most of the guys in school which made girls interested in me. But mostly I felt that if someone took the effort to get to know me, they would leave somewhat disappointed.

"You lady killer," he replied, grinning.

I took another sip of my booze. "And I heard about Makamo-san. She seemed like a nice girl. Why did you turn her down?"

Sabito looked me straight in the eye, still grinning. He was halfway through his second highball, and we were starting to get a little silly from the euphoria of finishing our exams. He grabbed me by the collar of my uniform, to which I protested weakly - "Hey, my sister just ironed it yesterday - " and kissed me on the mouth. I could taste the alcohol from his lips.

He let me down gently, wiping his mouth with the back of his sleeve. "That's why."

I couldn't say anything. A flurry of thoughts slammed through me like a hurricane - like the feelings that I had held for him privately ever since we were young. Back then, I wasn't sure what to do with my emotions. It felt like a gift I had to open in front of a crowd.

Sabito laughed. "Don't look at me with that blank expression. Well, what do you think of the reason?"

I answered cautiously, daring to hope for once. "It was unique, original, and very expressive of your personality."

He laughed even harder at that, but eventually he turned more serious. Even though we were well on the way to being drunk, he looked as earnest as ever. "Be honest, Giyuu. These are the sorts of things where if you don't feel anything, you have to tell me. But if that's so, let me down gently, OK? I still want us to be best friends."

"I really thought you just hadn't met the right girl."

"To be honest, I thought the same about you. Is it true, then? That you haven't met the right girl."

"No," I said firmly. "That's not the case at all for me."

"Then what do you think about me?"

I pushed him back into the grass, and this time we kissed for real; a soft and gentle kiss. I probably would not have kissed Sabito that day if we hadn't spent the afternoon drinking cheap spirits and talking about the future, but after a long time of being childhood companions, I had felt something beyond friendship, and he no doubt felt the same.

And then, as quickly as it had started, it was extinguished.

I used to think that death wasn't something I had to worry about, like most normal people. I had assumed that until it was my time to die, it would be out of grasp. However, I had learned - whether I wanted to or not - that life was cruel, and that happiness was more fragile than I thought.

They had told me it was instantaneous. I had been sick with the flu and Sabito had visited me that very day walking from school, bringing along a volume of manga he borrowed from me ages ago. Tsutako had offered him a ride back home, as was her customary habit through the course of our friendship; he'd taken it. That day, the ice had been was black and slick, the roads slippery and fatal. I had fallen asleep, delirious, until the phone rang, and I remembered it would signify the last day that I felt a complete, whole human being.

For a while, after Sabito died, I lost the ability to differentiate between reality and dreams. Sometimes I would go to the apartment back in Hokkaido to visit relatives, and vaguely see Sabito and Tsukako-nee turn around the corner on the street, as if they were still alive and breathing, instead of ash inside a lacquered pot. A knot would form around my heart, stopping me from doing whatever it was that I was doing at the moment, and I would simply stand wherever I was until I blinked and then they were gone - again.

Back when I visited my hometown, in front of Tsutako's grave, I had knelt on the ground and lit up some incense.

"I should have been the one to die," I said.

And now, there came no answer from the grave.

"I should have been there. Instead of staying home, I should have died with you and Sabito."

When there was no answer - even though I had expected none, I felt the familiar wave of sadness washing over me, and let it recede.

-x-

That was as far as I got with my nostalgia. If I thought of anything deeper or more intimate than that particular memory, I was in danger of spiraling into a deep depression for the rest of this week. And besides, I could hear somebody calling my name.

I turned my head, and saw Kochou Kanae walking her poodle, Pochi, down the pathway. "Tomioka-san!" she called out cheerfully. I scrambled to my feet - for some reason, dogs never got along with me. Even with Kanae holding the leash tight, Pochi ran straight to my shoes, trying its best to chew the laces off.

"Kochou-san! What are you doing here?"

She waved her hand airily, "I was just in the neighborhood. Day off, you know."

I stared at her.

"OK, so Shinobu-chan told me that you were really sad. And well, I sorta might've followed you here once or twice." She cleared her throat. "But it's a groovy park. Lots of flowers and trees. Pochi-kun likes it a little better than Yoyogi Park."

She held up a bag with some beer. "Why don't you tell me what's going on?"

I revised my life motto - if I had a five-hundred yen coin every time something bad happened to me, I would have saved up a trip to Tokyo Disneyland by now. I certainly didn't want to talk about why I was upset, and especially not to a second-hand source of distress, either.

With a smile, she said, "I won't tell Shinobu, promise."

"It's not about whether you'll tell her or not," I said. "It's not that big of a deal. Something happened recently, and I was disappointed, that's all."

"As your manager, I just want to tell you that you're allowed to take days off work if you're not feeling well. But that also means I have a responsibility to find out what's going on."

She was right to be concerned, I thought, but not in the way she presumed. "I'm fine. I had an off-day, that's all."

I wondered vaguely if Shinazugawa had ever slept with her before, and with that unpleasant thought in mind, I averted my eyes. It seemed like he hadn't, but I couldn't imagine any normal person not wanting to with Kanae. One thing was for certain, though - it had ended on Kanae's terms, not Shinazugawa's. While she was beautiful, she also had a resolve and bravery uncommon to most girls our age, and I had seen her throw out rude customers from the shop before. Sensible, but also kind, I knew that if I wanted a girlfriend like Kanae, I would have probably tried to resolve whatever problems came between us.

She sat the beer down and let Pochi sit on her lap. "Drink it," she urged. "Shinobu-chan doesn't drink at all, and it'll get warm if you don't get to it soon."

I reluctantly popped open the tab of an Asahi, and took a sip. She did the same, and let out a sigh of satisfaction. "Nothing like a beer on Fridays," she said happily.

We sat there for a while, and I was debating whether to ask her a question about Shinazugawa before she said, "Do you like picnics?"

"I guess I like it fine," I said. "Why?"

"My old high school friends and I have a sort of - how do you say this? A little pot-luck. Everybody has to bring a dish and it's always a lot of fun, especially now that the weather's so nice. You ought to come." She smiled encouragingly.

"Sure," I said. Like Tanjirou, Kanae would routinely ask me out to do different things. Usually I would decline, but her kindness never stopped her from asking me again and again.

"Awesome! By the way, I know a lot of cute girls, so if you're looking for a girlfriend, just let me know and I'll set you up."

The way she said it almost made me happy. She thought I was lonely, and therefore needed someone to take my mind off whatever was troubling me. Well, I'm sorry Kanae, I thought to myself. What I need isn't here anymore. I was used to people who cared about me saying these sort of things - but for all the good that my apparent handsomeness brought me, it might as well have been for nothing. For I believed that there had only been one person for me, and I didn't think anyone could replace him - at least not entirely.

But like all human beings, I was curious. Curious enough to kill the cat.

-x-

Shinazugawa Sanemi

-x-

It was another week before I saw Tomioka again, and this time he'd been invited by Kanae. Needless to say, I was irritated. Why - I couldn't say. Maybe it was the fact that I couldn't figure him out like everybody else. Maybe it was the fact that I preferred to believe that he was some upper-class, snobby asshole even if I knew, deep down, that he was probably a nice guy. Or maybe it was my guilty conscience from knowing too much, too soon.

"Oi! Thought we said no outsiders this time!" I barked.

She turned her puppy-dog eyes on me, the ones that worked on almost everybody. "But he brought ohagi."

If anything, I would have bet dollars to donuts that Kanae had told him to bring that exact thing, knowing that I'd kick up a fuss. I glared at her. "So?"

"You like ohagi, don't you?"

"No I don't," I said.

She smiled cheerfully as if she didn't believe me. "Listen, he's bought lots - some with soybeans, some with sesame, and some with crushed red beans - "

"I don't care!" I said. "Why the hell would you invite him? He doesn't even look that happy to be here - "

"Sanemi." Now her eyes looked stern, as if she was about to lecture me like a guilty schoolboy. At that, I had to shut up.

"Think of him like those stray dogs in front of Himejima's temple," Kanae said patiently. "At first, you think they're wounded and dirty, but the more you take care of them, the more they look like normal dogs with good owners."

"Is that what happened to you? Did he show up to your door like a stray dog?"

"More or less."

"OK, fine," I said. It wasn't worth the argument. "I guess I'll let it go." I walked back to the park, where a motley collection of people were waiting.

-x-

Tomioka Giyuu

-x-

I quickly found out that coming to my manager's get-together had been a mistake for many reasons, one of them namely Shinobu, who had no reservations about mocking me openly in front of strangers when Kanae wasn't around. The second reason was that said group of strangers included Shinazugawa. I wanted to go home the minute I saw him, but unfortunately by that time it was too late to back out - plus, I didn't really want to lug home a huge container of ohagi and have nobody eat it.

Still, it seemed as if they were used to Kanae inviting people they didn't know. A nice girl with pink and green hair said, "I feel like I've known you forever! Have I seen you before?"

"Um... maybe? I work for the Kochou flower shop."

"Oh yeah! You're that good looking guy who never smiles!" Then looking at my slightly shocked expression, she hastily corrected herself. "Sorry for being rude - I didn't mean to say that. I mean, you're the guy that Kanae-chan has been trying to get us to meet!"

"No, you're right, Mitsuri," Shinobu cut in. "This guy sadly is the most antisocial person we've ever hired. But 'Nee-san says I'm not allowed to fire him, so - "

"And I'd be right not to!" Kanae finally stepped into the conversation, with Shinazugawa trailing behind her. I wondered what they'd been talking about. "He brings in quite a lot of female customers, and that's nothing to complain about!"

"Ah, it's so nice to see you again, Kanae-chan!" Now Kanroji looked jubilant. "I loved your macaroons from last time. They were sooooo good!"

"You think so? I made a lot of them again this time... "

"Of course! I even bought some black tea just so I could have them at tea-time!" She then turned to me and offered her hand. "My name's Kanroji Mitsuri, but you can call me Mitchan!"

Now Shinazugawa chuckled. "Careful with that, Iguro won't like that."

Mitsuri puffed up indignantly. "Well, you can call me that when he's not here, then!" (I privately resolved to myself to never call her by her suggested nickname.)

"Ah, and this is Shinazugawa-kun!" Shinobu said.

"I know. I've met him before."

"Oh really?"

"Yeah, he was looking for flowers for his mother, actually."

Kanae turned to him in a huff. "You didn't tell me about this, Sanemi! I could have helped you if you'd just asked me."

"Hey, don't sue me," he said easily enough. "You weren't there, and he was."

"Let me guess," Shinobu said. "This blockhead told you that hospitals won't let you bring flowers in for sick patients anymore, right?"

Something like a look of amusement flashed across his eyes. "Nah, it was fine. He was very helpful," he added. Even though I knew he was being somewhat sarcastic, the Kochou sisters seemed to buy it.

Mitsuri checked her phone. "Ahhh, it seems like Rengoku-senpai won't be coming. He's got a kendo competition today... and Uzui is out, too. Apparently he's got a date with a new girlfriend... "

"What, the third one in a month?" Shinobu mumbled. Everyone pretended that she hadn't said anything.

"What about Iguro-san?" Kanae asked kindly, smoothing over the awkward silence.

"He's breeding snakes," Mitsuri sighed. "He told me very specifically that today he was going nowhere outside of the apartment."

"Really? Damn, I was looking forward to talking to the little weirdo." Shinazugawa looked annoyed.

"Hey, maybe there aren't as many people as we want, but that's OK! Why don't we all sit down and eat?" Kanae was chipper as always, laying down a plastic mat underneath a tree. After she had made sure there was enough room, everybody placed their dishes in the middle.

I put down my paper box with the ohagi in it. Across from me, Mitsuri had bought three plastic containers filled to the brim: one with deep-fried tofu pockets filled with rice, one full of creamy potato salad, and the last one containing ham-and-cheese sandwiches. Shinazugawa's contribution was a rather large but plain looking bento box with hard-boiled eggs nestled next to a neat row of croquettes, and when he lifted the box, it revealed a bottom layer full of vegetable spring rolls. The Kochou sisters were the fanciest of them all: they had brought the aforementioned macaroons along with a thermos of hot Earl Grey tea.

Mitsuri was happy with my admittedly less-than-impressive donation. "Oh wow, Tomioka-kun! Did you bring the ohagi?" When I nodded, she looked thrilled. "I haven't had it in ages! I'm really looking forward to it."

Shinobu passed out some paper plates and disposable utensils. I wasn't feeling particularly hungry, so I filled my plate halfway and poked at the food. What the hell was I doing here? I obviously didn't belong here, with these cheerful faces and their easygoing familiarity with each other.

"Oi, Tomioka," someone said. I looked up and saw that Shinazugawa was looking at me, a beer in one hand. "At least try to look cheerful. Kanroji and Kanae worked really hard to make this all happen, and you look like you want to kill yourself."

For a while, there had been a constant off and on sensation of nausea in my body, and out of habit, I put my hand over my mouth. I turned my head slightly and said, "Sorry. It's just that I don't feel great right now."

His eyes were immediately concerned. "You OK?"

I let the wave pass. "Yeah... I'm fine."

"Maybe the heat is too much," Shinazugawa mused out loud. "I should've brought ginger pork or cold soba noodles instead... Fried food just seems a little too heavy to eat with temperatures like these, isn't it?"

"I'm fine," I repeated dully. At his raised eyebrow, I apologized again. "Sorry. Usually, I wouldn't go to things like this if I felt this way..."

"Fair enough," he replied. We both looked at the trio of girls who were busy debating the merits, for some reason, of using powdered sugar versus regular sugar in a baking recipe.

Shinaguzawa took a swig of his beer, a disgusted look on his face. "Usually, there would be more men out here to balance out the pussy parade. But I guess today it's just you and me."

"How did you meet them?"

"High school, of course. Although it's really Kanae who has the nostalgia for it. I had an OK time at high school, but it wasn't exactly my favorite."

"I thought it was all right." Until it went to shit and I attended graduation alone.

"Oh yeah? What did you do?"

"Judo," I said. "I wasn't the best, but I had a lot of fun."

"Cool. I was a baseball guy. Training was hell, though. Imagine getting up in the morning, and the first thing they make you do is run five kilometres around the school."

I eyed him - it was clear that he had still maintained some modicum of fitness. "What position did you play?"

"Oh, all of them, really. Our team was the best in our district, but we never quite managed to compete regionally."

I was about to say something to that, but to my consternation, somebody else had interrupted us.

"Hey Shinazugawa!" Shinobu called out. "Time for cards! And it's definitely time for me to kick your ass!"

He let out a bark of laughter. "Hell yeah! Don't think just because you're three years younger, I'm going to take it easy on ya!"

-x-

The two of them had successfully roped Mitsuri into a game of poker, but as my rent was about to be due in a few days, I declined. As for Kanae, she was mostly cleaning up and putting things into a trash bag, and I was more than happy to assist her, my logic being that the sooner that things wrapped up, the sooner I could go home. Plus, I had some ulterior motives of my own.

"Kochou-san, if you don't mind me asking, how come you never told me about Shinazugawa-san?"

"Hmm? What do you mean?"

"I mean, you two seem very close."

"We're not, really. I think a lot happened with his family, and so everything had to take a backseat for a while."

"He told me that you two used to go out with each other. Is that true?"

"It's true," she confirmed, although she seemed rather sad about it. "Well, look at him. I don't think there was a single girl in our year who didn't have a crush on him at least once in their life. I was just lucky that he said yes to me."

"And then... ?"

"It was very strange. You know, it was our first time going on these kinds of dates, and so I expected that we weren't going to be perfect with these things. But it seemed like he was never really interested in me."

"How did you figure that out?"

"At first, I thought he was just shy, or trying to prove that he was being respectful. After, we'd been friends for so long, and I was sure that the transition must have been somewhat difficult for him. But then... I slowly figured out that if I wanted to hold his hand, then I'd have to do it first. And when we had our first kiss - " and here she blushed, " - I had to lean into him, because if I didn't, I knew it'd never happen. It got to the point where I didn't want to see him anymore, even if we were childhood friends. So, I had to break it off. All in all, I think we dated for three months."

"Did you ever find out why he treated you that way?"

She took out one of her butterfly clips from her hair, brushing it through with her fingers before clipping it back, as if she was debating about something inside, something close to her heart. I waited, knowing that sooner or later, my question would be answered.

"Yes," she said. Now she looked at me carefully, as if she was evaluating something. "But it's really not for me to say."

And then the biggest lurch of nausea overwhelmed me, and I vomited into the nearest trash bag.

"Tomioka-san!"

-x-

Shinazugawa Sanemi

-x-

Kanae had given me his address and some money for the taxi to get to his apartment. For some reason, I didn't object - and anyways, it wasn't that far from my house.

Tomioka had insisted he was fine - that he didn't need any help getting home, and that he was going to walk back to the train station. But everyone saw that he was very pale, and shaking, so finally I said, "I'll take you home." I guess I felt guilty about giving him a hard time, even though he didn't seem to take any offense to what I said.

The ride was very quiet. In fact, I was getting a bit worried. "Maybe we should go to a doctor."

"No need," he said. "I just forgot to eat yesterday."

"You forgot to eat yesterday? Fucking hell, what are you, a robot?"

He nodded, eyes closing, but the corner of his mouth quirked up in amusement. "Sometimes I forget, and then I get so nauseous that this sort of thing happens. Fortunately, it doesn't happen very often."

Once we got out of the taxi, I had to help him walk all the way to his apartment. Once we were there, his hands shook so much that he wasn't able to unlock his door.

"Give me the keys," I said, holding out my hand. He handed them to me silently. Inside, he took off his shoes. So did I.

"Make yourself at home," he said. "I'm afraid I don't have much, but - " Suddenly he buckled to his knees.

"Oi, get a hold of yourself," I said, alarmed.

"Please, don't worry about me, Shinazugawa-san." he said quietly.

I picked him up roughly and dropped him on his futon in the bedroom next to the living room. "Sleep," I said. "And don't get up until I fucking tell you to."

This time, he had a gentle smile. "OK."

-x-

I watched him quickly drifting to sleep on the bed of his small apartment. Mitsuri had wanted to come, but Iguro had asked her to come back to their apartment straight after the picnic. As for Kanae and the others, they had some obligations or errands to attend to, so as soon as the picnic ended, they went back to the train station.

It was spartan in decoration. There was a table, a couch, and a futon with a small kitchenette at the back of the room, but nothing much to suggest that there was a living, breathing, human being existing in this space.

I opened his fridge - there was nothing except for bottles of water. Frowning, I was glad that Kanae had pushed the leftovers from today's picnic on me today.

I had texted Tanjirou a quick rundown of the situation. He's all right, I said, but it seems like he's forgotten to eat. What are some of his favorite foods?

Thankfully, the boy messaged me back quickly. Anything with salmon, especially sanpeijiru. He also likes pickled vegetables and oden.

I whirled through a list of recipes on my phone, trying to think of something that would be easy for him to eat. Making soup would take too much time, and if I bought oden from the nearest convenience store it would lose its warmth by the time he woke up. After a few minutes of finding nothing suitable, I decided this was a waste of time - I would just go to the store and see if there was something more convenient.

I took the keys from the coffee table, heading out.

-x-

Tomioka Giyuu

-x-

I saw Sabito sitting underneath a wisteria tree, as if he'd been waiting for me. He looked as fresh as he did in high school, still in his uniform with a few buttons undone.

I could have looked at him forever.

"I don't have much time," he said. His gaze was steady and warm. "How are you doing?"

I couldn't speak. The sound of his voice - which I had no record of, to remember him by - had already moved me to tears. Usually in my dreams, he was no longer alive, forever remaining a mangled corpse with his body cold as ice.

He chuckled softly. "Still a crybaby as always, eh?" His fingertips, warm as the day, wiped my tears off, but I could not stop them entirely.

"Sabito... "

"There's no reason for you to be sad. After all, I finally get to see you, after all this time."

I hugged him, burying my head in the crook of his shoulder, as I had done hundreds of times and taken for granted before he died. "Don't leave," I begged him.

"But I have to, Giyuu," he said. "I don't belong where you are."

"You belong with me," I said. "This much, I do know."

"Maybe. Maybe not," he said, smiling. "What I do know that is I would rather see you living happily than to not live at all."

"But - "

"I wanted to live longer, too," he said. "But that's not how life works, is it? I've made my peace with it. And you need to do that, too. For the sake of me and Tsutako."

I couldn't say anything to that.

He pushed me off gently, holding my hands in his. "Can I give you a piece of advice, Giyuu?"

"Go ahead."

"Don't feel sorry for yourself," he said. "Only assholes do that."

I smiled. "I'll keep that in mind."

He turned away, letting go of my hands, and disappeared.

-x-

I woke up in a fog, and in tears. Fortunately (or unfortunately, depending on whose perspective it was), I was used to this, and in a daze I remembered to wipe my face dry before getting up for some water.

How had I already forgotten that he'd said that turn of phrase all the time? When I scraped my knee after falling off my bike, he would help me up, and then say "Don't feel sorry for yourself, just try again." Or if I received a bad score on an exam - "Don't feel sorry for yourself, just study harder next time." Maybe he had even said something like, "If I die, don't feel sorry for yourself, or even me. Find someone else and make yourself happy." After all, he was an eternal pragmatist. That sort of pragmatism had been something that was fundamentally missing in me, and that I had forgotten was necessary in order to exist for my own sake. Perhaps that was why I had clung to him so tightly for my own survival, long ago.

Someone was in the kitchen. Blinking, it was a while until I realized Shinazugawa was sitting at the table. In front of him were sheets of nori, a small bowl of pickled umeboshi, a large package of precooked rice, and a small pile of salted salmon on a plate, crumbled into delicate looking flakes.

"Oh, you're awake." It was surprising how ... not angry his voice was. I think I had half-expected him to start yelling at me for existing.

" ... am I still dreaming?" I mused out loud.

He snorted. "Of course not, moron."

Ah, now that sounded more like him. He turned his head and tilted it slightly at the sight of me. "You look terrible."

"I had a weird dream," I said wearily. "What are you making?"

"Salmon onigiri. Here, I'll show you."

I stared, slightly fascinated. His sleeves were rolled up, and there were a few scars running up the length of his forearm. It was amazing how he was able to shape the rice into a triangle shape with a few pats. Methodically, he would press the filling in, and after he dipped his fingers into a small bowl of water, he would then wrap the nori around it securely. This entire process took him less than half a minute, and by the time he was finished, there were half a dozen onigiris, sitting prettily together on a plate.

He wiped his hands clean with a small tea towel. "If you leave it in the refrigerator overnight, you should put a wet paper towel on top of them, or else the rice will start drying out. It should be good for a few days. Also, you can use the leftover ingredients to make ochazuke if you wanna eat something warm."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me. Just eat like a regular person," he said curtly, but I was getting pretty good at figuring out the message underneath his words. It almost was as if he was saying, Take care of yourself. That's all the thanks I need.

"How did you get so good at doing that?" I asked. I couldn't help myself.

Now he looked somewhat embarrassed. "I've got a lot of younger siblings. Sometimes they're busy with club activities after school, so I make a lot of these so they won't starve when they get home from school."

"That's impressive."

"Not really. I started to make them when they started to spend their pocket money on junk at the convenience stores," he said, shrugging. "If they know they can eat something at home, it makes my life easier. Because if they don't, they'll keep asking, 'Onii-chan, can you buy this?' Or maybe they'll say, 'Onii-chan, I don't really want to eat curry today, can we buy some croquettes instead?' Then what happens is I get angry because I know I've spent at least an hour trying to make that curry, (and I even tell them I can make better croquettes at home), and then I find out months later that they don't actually like my cooking, which is why they - hey! Stop laughing, dammit - "

"Sorry," I said, trying to cover my mouth. "It was the way you said it. You reminded me of my older sister. She used to complain a lot about me spoiling my appetite before dinner."

"I'll bet you were spoiled too," he said crossly, though his ears were bright pink. "Whatever. I guess I'm just used to taking care of people."

He turned to walk home. "I have to go to work. Catch you later."

-x-

Shinazugawa Sanemi

-x-

That bastard had far too pretty a smile to keep it tucked away from the general public. But I understood a while ago exactly why he seemed to retreat into his shell. I didn't ask him any questions about the wooden shrine because it was frankly none of my business, but while I was waiting for the salmon to broil in the toaster oven, I walked over. Call it curiosity, but as it was already open, I simply walked over and hunched down.

You're going to hell for this, I told myself.

Shut up, my other half said.

Moral dilemma aside, I saw that there were two pictures standing inside of the butsudan. One of them I recognized instantly - due to the likeness of their facial similarities. She was a pretty woman; her hair was tied neatly in a braid with a pink ribbon. She wore a simple blouse and was standing in front of a cherry blossom tree in full bloom. The other photo on the left was a handsome fellow who had peach-colored hair with a big scar running down from his left ear to the corner of his mouth.

I could see Tanjirou's mother speaking to me as if it was yesterday.

... Ever since his best friend and sister passed away, he's sort of clammed up. He won't open up, you see...

It was one thing to hear it from somebody not connected from the tragedy, but another to see a photo of the deceased. They must have been very young, gone before their time. I noticed that there wasn't a speck of dust anywhere, and there was a new stick of incense in a pot of ash. Judging from those two details, I could see that he paid his respects often.

He and I were different that way. It wasn't like the time where I sat for my old man's funeral, where I wished the whole thing would be over. I was seventeen at the time. I had to wear a suit with a tie, and pretend that I was sad when I really wasn't. To this day I maintained that he deserved every bit of his death, which had been a case of acute cirrhosis. I was told that it had been very painful.

Good riddance was the first thing that came out of my mouth. The doctor seemed momentarily shocked before adjusting his expression to something more professional, and then went over with me some options for the funeral. I tried to pick the least expensive option.

The only person I truly felt sorry for was my mother, who sobbed openly over his casket. But other than that, I felt nothing except for the low simmering anger that I had for my father. The atmosphere was surreal. In attendance were his other two mistresses with his bastard children. Out of pure respect for my mother, and the general wish not to embarrass her in front of our relatives, I had resisted the temptation to stand up and leave the pathetic display of mourners.

Genya had been very quiet during the funeral proceedings, but as soon as we went home, just the two of us (the other younger children had gone home earlier) he started bawling, just like a little kid.

"Oi, what's this for?" I asked, trying to fish my pocket for a handkerchief. "Everything is going to be OK."

"What is Mom going to do?" he said miserably, holding my hand. I realized that he'd been crying not for the sake of our worthless father, but for our mother. "She already never goes home to sleep. She can't get a fourth job, can she?"

I found a packet of cheap tissues - the kind that promoters gave to random people in the train station - and wiped his tears gently.

"Don't worry about that kind of thing," I said. "Sure, the two of us will have to take care of her now, but I'm sure everything will turn out fine." I took his hand and hunched down. "Get on my back."

He looked confused. "But won't I be too heavy?"

"It's OK. Humor me."

He clambered on, and I carried the both of us all the way back to the house.

"When we get home, I'll ask Teiko and Sumi to help us make some ohagi, alright?"

"OK, 'Nii-chan!"

-x-

The oven dinged softly, breaking my train of thoughts. I stood up, checking up on Tomioka. He was still fast asleep.

In the dim light, he looked more like a normal person without a care. His jacket hung on the back of a chair next to his desk. I closed the door carefully so that he wouldn't wake up.

I hadn't planned on staying here that long. But something strange had compelled me to do something above and beyond for him. I took the salted salmon out of the toaster oven, letting it cool for a few minutes, and started opening the other packages of food I picked up from a mini-mart near his apartment.

I was almost done assembling a neat row of onigiri before I heard the door quietly swing open. "Oh, you're awake."

He looked shocked that I was here. " ... am I still dreaming?"

I snorted. "Of course not, moron."

"You look terrible."

"I had a weird dream," he said, sighing a bit. "What are you making?"

"Salmon onigiri. Here, I'll show you."

With the last bits of rice I demonstrated how I combined the filling and rice together, wrapping the seaweed around together tightly. He looked transfixed, as if he'd never seen anybody do such a thing before. I supposed that was probably normal. After all, didn't most people usually buy them at the convenience store?

"If you leave it in the refrigerator overnight, you should put a wet paper towel on top of them, or else the rice will start drying out. It should be good for a few days. Also, you can use the leftover ingredients to make ochazuke if you wanna eat something warm."

"Thank you."

"Don't thank me. Just eat like a regular person," I said.

"How did you get so good at doing that?" he asked inquisitively.

"I've got a lot of younger siblings. Sometimes they're busy with club activities after school, so I make a lot of these so they won't starve when they get home from school."

"That's impressive."

"Not really. I started to make them when they started to spend their pocket money on junk at the convenience stores," I said, shrugging. "If they know they can eat something at home, it makes my life easier. Because if they don't, they'll keep asking, 'Onii-chan, can you buy this?' Or maybe they'll say, 'Onii-chan, I don't really want to eat curry today, can we buy some croquettes instead?' Then what happens is I get angry because I know I've spent at least an hour trying to make that curry, (and I even tell them I can make better croquettes at home), and then I find out months later that they don't actually like my cooking, which is why they - hey! Stop laughing, dammit - "

In fact, I was a little horrified that I'd spoken so much, especially to someone I didn't really know all that well. Genya used to point out that I had a bad habit of ranting about things I was annoyed about. But he couldn't stop laughing - and I couldn't stop thinking that he really had one of the most beautiful smiles I'd ever seen.

"Sorry," he said, trying to cover his mouth. "It was the way you said it. You reminded me of my older sister. She used to complain a lot about me spoiling my appetite before dinner."

An invisible knot formed around my throat, trying to render me incapable of speech.

"I'll bet you were spoiled too," I choked out, flustered as hell. I was desperately trying to keep my eyes off him. "Whatever. I guess I'm just used to taking care of people."

I made my excuses in a hurry: "I have to go to work. Catch you later." And that evening, while I was delivering pizzas and takeaways on my late night shift, I kept replaying those moments in his kitchen again, in my head, - the onigiri, the sight of him sleeping, the pictures of his best friend and sister, that gorgeous laugh.

I could only draw one conclusion to all of this: I was completely, and utterly, screwed.

-x-

Tomioka Giyuu

-x-

"You're in a good mood," Kanae commented, as she was watering the chrysanthemums.

"Am I?"

"Mm-hmm. I'm glad. You have a really nice smile, Tomioka-san. You ought to show it more often."

I was silent at this, choosing instead to rearrange the tiger lillies.

"No need to be embarrassed," she said. "Was Sanemi nice to you when you got home?"

"Yeah."

"That's good. Sometimes he can be really mean, and he's got a bit of a temper, but mostly he tries his best to be nice."

"He made me onigiri yesterday. Because I said I didn't eat enough."

Kanae looked surprised. "My, I didn't expect that. Shinobu-chan said you were the type that everyone disliked. You must have done something right, then." She put the watering can down, thinking for a bit. "You've changed a little, haven't you?"

"Dunno what you're talking about."

"You used to turn down our invitations to go out. I remember. It was your first year here in Tokyo."

"Kochou-san... "

"Don't mind me reminiscing. It's good to talk about these things. After all, you were so cold, even I thought you were this robot! You only spoke when necessary, and it was so hard to keep a conversation going on with you!"

"I'm sorry," I apologized. "Things were different back then."

She shook her head, her butterfly ornament trembling slightly at the sudden movement. "Don't be. Kanao used to be like that too - but it never stopped me from getting to know her."

-x-

Shinaguzawa was smoking in the izakaya. "They're late," he said crossly, stubbing out a cigarette in a nearby ashtray. "Seriously, what's the point of dragging us out here if they're going to be this late?"

I checked my watch. "Were you busy?"

"Not really. Ma's coming home from the hospital tomorrow, and I took a few days off just so she'd be able to re-adjust to everything." He sighed wistfully. "I honestly don't know what she was fucking thinking, having seven kids. I mean, sure, Japan's got an aging population, but she didn't have to go above and beyond the call of duty."

I smiled at his grumbling. "Hey, well at least she's got somebody to visit her in the hospital. One kid for every day of the week."

He raised his eyebrow in amazement. "Did I just hear the Tomioka Giyuu making a fucking joke, and a good one at that?" He lifted his glass of beer in a mock salute. "If so, congratulations."

"Thanks. I'll be here all week."

We were drinking cold beers, and for fun he ordered a pack of red Marlboros. "Tastes as bad as I remembered," he said, but still kept lighting them up, one after another.

"Do you smoke regularly?"

"Nah. Too expensive. But if I meet a friend for some karaoke or for drinks at the bar, I might bum one once in a while."

He looked as cool as a cucumber, and as always, his polo shirt was unbuttoned three buttons down. I had to force myself from staring at him constantly, and finally I caved and ordered a small appetizer of edamame beans, just to keep up the guise of having something else to focus on other than him.

The Kochou sisters had invited the two of us out for a night of bar-hopping, but so far only the two of us had shown up. I wasn't sure if I wanted them to show up or not. I didn't want Shinazugawa to go home, but at the same time...

"This is the problem with rich girls," he suddenly said, interrupting my train of thought. "They've got no fucking consideration whatsoever for poor bastards like us. I, from my too-big family, and you, a struggling college student... "

He made a surprisingly easy companion to be with, and for a while the conversation we talked of ordinary things, like whether the Hanshin Tigers would beat the Giants this year. He had a prodigious memory for batting averages and could quote the stats of any baseball player I threw at him.

Then finally his phone rang, and I tensed up. "Sorry, gotta take this," he apologized, and stood up to go outside. "Don't let 'em take my beer."

I promised him I wouldn't, while half-heartedly peeling the skin of a edamame bean with my fingertips. Wishing, hoping, longing that he wouldn't leave... Since when had I gotten so delusional again? Shinazugawa wasn't Sabito. If I wanted another fairy-tale ending, I had another thing coming for me. With some modicum of dread, I polished off my beer and ordered another one. My reasoning was that if I was going to spend the rest of this night by myself, I might as well get drunk.

He came back five minutes, a little annoyed. "So, guess what."

"What?"

"You know Pochi? That really stupid-looking poodle of Kanae's?"

"I know of it."

"Apparently there was some emergency, and they had to go to a vet at this time of night." He lit up another cigarette, and I resisted the urge to yank it from his mouth. "What is it with girls and their little dogs?"

"It is pretty weird," I agreed.

"If I had a dog," he said, "I'd want one of those big Alaskan huskies. You know, something really tough."

He finished the rest of his beer, wincing at how lukewarm it'd gotten, and promptly ordered another.

"You're not going home?" I asked, confused.

"No, why?"

"What about your brothers and sisters?"

He snorted. "My youngest sibling's ten years old. They don't need me to babysit them all the time - and also, I run a pretty tight ship. If one of them acted out of line at home, then somebody else would sort them out. That's the part they don't tell you about having lots of siblings." He took a puff from his cigarette, blowing out smoke in the opposite direction so that it wouldn't waft into my eyes. "Plus, it's not like you're bad company, Tomioka."

Fuck! I thought. Think of something clever and witty to say! Hide your feelings!

Finally, I came up with a pathetic "Thanks." Still, it seemed overkill, so I tried to play it down. "That might have been the first nice thing you've said to me."

"It's not my strongest point," he conceded. "But I do try to make it up in other ways."

"That's true," I said. "Those onigiris were pretty good, after all."

He hit me in the shoulder. "Fuckhead! You shoulda seen yourself in the mirror that day. You were a zombie. I saved you from dying, you know."

"I was not," I objected. Then we looked at each other, and laughed.

"So? What's your story? I know you go to university, but like, what do you major in?" He tapped his cigarette on the ashtray.

"I actually haven't decided. I was supposed to go see my advisor last week, but... "

"Eh, you're in trouble, aren't you? Aren't you in your third year?"

"Yeah... " I peeled another edamame bean. "Truthfully, I've been thinking of dropping out. I was supposed to go there with my best friend, but I ended up there by myself... " here I sighed, "Somehow, I thought things were going to work out more smoothly."

"I kind of understand that in a way." Shinazugawa was resting his hand under his chin, somewhat contemplative. "I was supposed to go to university, too. I wanted to be a math teacher, but my old man passed away during my senior year of high school. And y'know. I knew I couldn't leave my mother behind, especially with six other kids. Genya wasn't even in high school yet."

"When you put it that way, it seems like you've got a worse deck of cards."

"I wouldn't say that. After all, it's my mother who suffered the most. What I'm doing for her is the least I can do." He stubbed out his cigarette. "I'm curious about one thing. Why did you follow your best friend all the way here, even when he couldn't attend?"

I didn't expect him of all people to ask me that question.

Nobody had bothered to ask.

Not even Urokodaki-sensei.

Not even Tanjirou.

Nobody.

"I wanted to attend for his sake," was the best answer I could come up with. In fact, I wasn't even sure of the correct answer anymore. Was it out of some displaced loyalty? Was it the remnants of an old first love? I couldn't place a finger on why it had been an irreplaceable loss. Somehow, the ghost of Sabito - forever eighteen - would follow me even at twenty one. After thinking about this further, I added, "I suppose after he died, I wanted to pay homage to him."

"Hmmm. Is that so?"

"Is that strange?"

"Depends on the person and circumstances. But, it's your life. I can't exactly judge, but if it's not making you happy, I don't think he would have wanted that for you."

"Even so, dropping out doesn't feel like a choice I'm completely sure of, either," I said. "What else would I do? I have to keep living on for him. That's what my sister would have wanted, too."

Shinazaguwa lifted his beer glass in another salute, but this time it was more sincere than the first. "I'll drink to that."

-x-

Eventually, we ran out of money to drink at the izakaya, so we ended up sitting in the parking lot of a 7-11, settling in with our cheap convenience beers. The salarysmen passing by had given the two of us dirty looks, as if they halfway expected us to rob the place, but eventually the crowd of the office workers began to clear out at midnight. I was starting to get quite drunk, but I wasn't quite ready to go home yet. So I sat next to Shinazugawa, and we sipped our beers in a comfortable, tired silence.

He kept lighting up his cigarettes, one by one, until he was down to his last one.

"You oughtta quit staring at me, Tomioka. It's a bad habit of yours, and it's annoying."

Whoops. "Sorry."

I decided to look at the nighttime streets, my back turned to his. "Is this better?"

"Yeah." There was a lull as he popped open the tab of a Sapporo, taking a sip. "Can I ask you a personal question?"

"Sure."

"Your best friend. Was he just a friend?"

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, were you ever in love with him?"

I choked on my beer, glad that he wasn't able to look at my face. When I recovered, it took me a while to figure out how to answer such a personal question.

"... How did you guess?"

"I have an intuition for these sorts of things," he said. "I suppose when you're gay yourself, it's easier to figure out who else is gay."

Now I had to look at him. He was saying it in such a detached way that I found it hard to believe.

"But I thought Kochou and you - "

"It was a complete mistake. I knew I didn't like her that way, but I chose to hurt her anyway. It meant a great deal more to her than it ever did for me. I guess when you're a teenager, you're capable of inflicting really horrible and cruel things to each other."

I couldn't think of anything to say.

"Still, even though I hurt her terribly, she still talks to me like it never happened."

"These things happen. It's only too easy to put these feelings in a box and pretend they don't exist." I looked at my can of beer. "I grew up in a small town in the mountains, so I can only understand what it's like."

He gestured to his scars with a hollow, empty sort of laugh. "I got these from my old man. He figured it out sooner than I did."

My eyes widened. "Shinazugawa... "

"He threw me out of a window when I was fourteen. So I tried to do all the right things. Play baseball. Date pretty girls. Look tough. But of course, it didn't work. All it ended up was me becoming an asshole."

"I don't think you're an asshole."

A very soft smile formed on his face. "Thanks, Tomioka. But I am."

-x-

Shinazugawa Sanemi

-x-

The prospect of waking up with a hangover in a house filled with my siblings sounded terrible, so we took the late night bus to Tomioka's apartment. Whatever the implications of my request happened to be, I was so wasted that I doubted that I would have performed well even if something did happen. He didn't bat an eye, finding nothing objectionable about my proposition - he just said "OK," - and so off we went.

Still, I was pretty fucking embarrassed when he woke me up for the bus stop. I had apparently drifted to sleep on his shoulder, and he - the ultimate considerate dickhead that he was - hadn't bothered to push me off.

This time he opened the door, and I stumbled in. The short nap had sobered me up a little, but not by much, and my mind felt fuzzy when I took off my shoes before going inside.

"I'll take the couch," I slurred, and collapsed promptly on it, not even bothering to take off my shirt or anything like that.

The last thing I remembered was a hand resting on my forehead, but that was before I drifted off to a deep sleep.

-x-

It was early morning when I woke up, my head throbbing. I groaned, before realizing that I was in someone else's bed.

Wait - did we... ?

I sat up, blinking. No, I had all my clothes on; my jacket had been folded carefully next to the futon. There was nobody next to me. Nothing exciting like that had happened - and I felt oddly disappointed, for some reason. My cell phone was buzzing, with a few texts from Genya asking when I would be home. I texted him an apology, that I was staying at a friends', and that I would be home soon.

Slowly, I got out of bed and opened the door quietly.

He was sleeping on the couch. His ugly jacket - the one with red and cubic-patterned patches - was draped over his body, and a pang of guilt washed over me.

Dickhead! At least sleep in your own bed, moron. I went back to his bedroom to get the blanket, draping it carefully over him.

There was a notepad and pen lying on the same table that I had made onigiris for him. It seemed over a lifetime ago. I took the pen, and for a long time I stared at the paper before I finally wrote, I enjoyed hanging out with you. Let's do it again sometime. S. Underneath, I scribbled my phone number.

I took one last look at his shoulder, stepped outside and quietly shut the door.

-x-

Genya wasn't happy when I came back home, but I was feeling so lousy that I let him order me around without a single word of reply. While we were making some of our mother's favorite foods - garlic and pork stuffed dumplings, chicken karaage, crispy tempura - I kept thinking about the way Tomioka always listened intently to every word I said, no matter how insignificant the detail.

"Man, you're really out of it today," my brother said. "Something happen last night?"

"Nah."

"Girlfriend?"

"Nope."

"Boyfriend?"

I nearly dropped the dumpling I'd been working on. "Fuck no."

"Right." He eyed me suspiciously. "Must've been worth it then. You usually never come home hungover."

He had a point. I hadn't actually meant to drink as much as I did. It was just that the conversation had been so enjoyable that I hadn't wanted to go home until I found myself almost incapacitated.

"Mm. Yeah, it was fun." I found myself smiling.

To my surprise, Genya smiled back at me. "I'm glad, 'Nii-chan. You're always working so hard."

-x-

My mother arrived home later that afternoon with boxes of Pocky for the kids and for Genya, a gachapon toy. For me, she'd purchased a Vitamin C drink - allegedly popular for curing hangovers.

"Fucking snake," I shot at Genya, who'd been grinning apologetically after my mother glared at me.

"Watch your mouth, Sanemi." she said, not amused. "I swear, you're looking more and more like your father these days..."

"Sorry," I apologized. "I didn't mean to... "

Luckily, her attention was drawn by the other kids, who had more pleasant news to share with her, like their report cards from school and who recently won a match at their club activities. They made a pleasant cacophony of sound while I left them alone, choosing to escape back into the kitchen. I started to heat the oil over the tiny stove, getting ready to fry the vegetables and pieces of chicken.

It wasn't until I finished frying almost half of the battered vegetable fritters before she entered the kitchen, placing her tiny hand over mine. "Let me, Sanemi."

Trust a mother to take over. "Ma, you just got out of the hospital." For once, she actually looked healthy and well rested.

"What good is a mother for, if she can't even cook for her own son?"

I sighed, knowing that it would be more trouble than it was worth to try arguing with her. "Fine." I moved to the sink to wash the dishes, taking care not to splash any water in her direction.

"Tell me what's going in your life since I've been away. You've been awfully quiet since I've come home." She took a slotted metal spoon to lift the vegetable fritters from the hot oil, placing them on top of a paper towel.

"Nothing much has happened, really." It wasn't if I could say to my mother, I slept over at this guy's house. It really didn't matter what the era was - parents never really knew all of what their kids got up to. Not now, not later.

"Is that so?"

"More or less."

"Kanae-chan came by the hospital about a week ago. Did you tell her to?"

"No, I mentioned it, but I didn't expect her to."

"What a nice girl. I've always thought you two made a lovely couple back in the day."

I sighed, long and deep. "Ma, can we not talk about this?"

"OK, OK. Message received." She was smiling, always in a good mood after teasing her boys. "That said, Sanemi, I wish you would rely on others more often. It doesn't do a person any good to make themselves an island."

"I have friends," I said defensively. "And I'm definitely no island, especially in this house."

"That's not what I mean." She wiped her hands on her apron calmly. "I just think that if Masachika hadn't moved all the way to Kobe, you'd still be best friends and you'd have someone on your level to talk to. Am I wrong?"

I simply continued to wash the dishes, saying nothing.

"What I wanted for you, years ago, was to find your own path. I didn't want you to feel stuck here."

"But I don't - "

She held up her hand. "Please don't misunderstand. I love that you contribute to the household in so many ways. It really helps your poor mother out, after all! But I thought about this a lot in the hospital, so please don't interrupt. I think staying here isn't good for you."

"... Are you trying to kick me out?" I said incredulously.

"Absolutely not. Don't be ridiculous. What I mean is, staying here at home, and working two part-time jobs just because you have a sense of responsibility here will only drag you down. And I want you to go your own way. If that means being selfish, so be it. If you want to go to university, just tell me and I'll support you. I couldn't afford it back when you graduated high school, but I've started to save a little bit of money since then."

"Ma... "

"I mean, don't get me wrong. I don't think I can afford those fancy private universities. But if you study hard, I'm sure you could get into those public schools."

Now the lump in my throat dissolved, and even though I tried hard not to, I broke down in silent tears.

-x-

My cell phone rang later that day. Checking the caller ID, I found to my disappointment it was Kanae, and not Tomioka. I answered it anyway.

"Hello?"

"How was your date?" she asked gleefully.

"It wasn't a fucking date!" I said. Then, sensing some curious ears, I quickly went outside of the house for some privacy.

"Sanemi, I wasn't born yesterday, OK? I knew something must have happened. Tomioka just dropped two flowerpots today - and he never does that!"

"It wasn't a date - I mean, you and your sister were the ones who bailed on us last night! Over a dog!"

"I can't help it if Pochi-kun ate something funny! Besides, I did you a favor. He's really good-looking, you know. A lot of our customers come into our shop just to see him - "

"I don't care! How does that make me feel any better?"

"Listen, Sanemi." Now Kanae was sounding a bit testy. "I know things might not have worked between us, but that doesn't mean I don't want you to find love. Maybe Masachika-nii had a girlfriend, but I definitely have never seen Tomioka-kun with a girlfriend, and he's been working here for two years already. Doesn't that strike you as strange, for such a good-looking guy?"

"Anything is possible in this universe," I said sarcastically, ignoring her implication completely and deliberately. "Will it satisfy you to know that absolutely nothing happened? All we did was drink until we went home."

"I suppose you expect me to believe that?" she asked.

"Yes."

She let out a long sigh. "Fine. Let the record show that if you die alone at the age of eighty because of your utter stubbornness and pride, I can say it wasn't my fault."

Despite her dark premonitions, I could feel the warmth behind her sentiment. So instead of arguing with her, like I usually would, I decided to switch tactics.

"Kanae, I'm sorry for making you worry. And for everything, really. You've been a big help. I mean it."

There was no response on the other end. For a while I simply heard her take a few deep breaths on the other end, and I waited.

"Don't worry about me so much," she finally said. "I'm more worried about you than anything."

-x-

Tomioka finally called two days later. I was in the middle of hanging up the laundry - Sumi and Hiroshi were helping as best as they could - but as soon as I saw that it wasn't some bogus telemarketer, I rushed quickly to answer it.

"It took you a while," I said, not even bothering with a hello.

"It did," he agreed. "I forgot to refill the plan on my phone. So I'm sorry about that."

"You should be."

He ignored this, and proceeded to get to the point. "There's a summer festival coming up at my university. I was wondering if you'd be interested in going."

I squashed the urge to ask him, Are you asking me out on a date? Instead, I tried to play it cool. "Sure. What day?"

"Is this Friday OK? It starts at around five o'clock."

"Sure." I'd have to ask someone to cover my shifts at work, but I wasn't going to tell him that. "What's the address?"

"I'll text it to you."

"OK. I'll see you then."

He hung up without saying goodbye, but for some reason, I didn't mind.

-x-

Even though I arrived fifteen minutes early, Tomioka was already there, sitting on a school bench. He was dressed smartly in a blue polo shirt, jeans, and leather shoes. For once, he wasn't wearing his ugly jacket, which I was glad to see. There was a big crowd of people milling around, and the sky was beginning to turn dark.

"Did you get out of class?" I asked, and he nodded. "I just got out of a meeting with one of my advisors."

"And?"

"I decided to go for an education major. I'd like to teach P.E., I think."

I tried to imagine him in a jumpsuit, and couldn't do it. "... I guess you are relatively athletic," I said lamely. He seemed to understand where I was coming from, because he smiled.

"Oh! I was going to text you about this - but guess what? I've got the money to go to college now!"

"Really?"

"I don't really know how it happened, but... yeah. I gotta sign up for cram school or something. I don't really know how these things work for ronins like me... "

"I could help you study. If you want."

"That would be nice, yeah. Is your university private or public?"

"It's public... but that's usually what makes the exams harder."

"Hmm... " I looked around. It was a pretty campus, with a lot of trees and traditional buildings. "I dunno. I still have to do a lot of research. But I wouldn't mind going here, since you know, you're already here."

Something strange was happening to Tomioka - he turned bright red and mumbled something about needing to tie his shoes. I looked down and saw that there weren't any shoelaces.

He cleared his throat awkwardly. "Did you have dinner already? There's a pretty good stall that opens up every year that serves yakisoba."

"Oh yeah, that'd be great."

We walked around the campus, with our plastic containers full of fried noodles and pork. When those were finished, I somehow ended with a red-bean flavored shaved ice, and when that was finished, there was a box of takoyaki in my hand, and then...

"Hey, Tomioka! I'm going to punch your head in if you keep buying me more food!"

He was in the midst of purchasing two taiyakis. The warm scent of the light vanilla shell and cream filling of the fish-shaped cake wafted over in my direction, reminding me of the other times where I took my younger siblings to summer festivals. "You could save it for later," he suggested, handing one to me.

"Save it, my ass! Who the hell wants to eat a cold taiyaki?" I bit into it anyway, resolving myself to personally keep a better eye on him. "And I have money, OK? So you don't need to do this."

"I invited you, though - "

"What does that matter! I mean, are you going to pay for my train fare, too?"

He stared at me, before reaching for his wallet.

"NO! Just - " I couldn't help but slowly rub my temples. " - stop. Seriously. I'm good. Now please let me pay for some of your shit too before I actually lose my shit."

He didn't answer, but then we walked to a goldfish stall.

"My manager likes goldfish," he said. "I told her I'd catch her a few."

"OK, go for it."

He knelt down at the small tank of water with his paper net. At first he stood still, as if he was waiting for a sign. Then in a flash - he would scoop his net up, skillfully sliding the fish into the bowl. In total, he caught about ten goldfish before his paper net finally broke from the force of his arm.

"Congratulations, son," the stall owner said, and poured them into a plastic bag, tying it securely with a tight knot. I handed him the money, mildly impressed.

"Where'd you learn how to do that?"

"Home. My top record was actually thirty, but then they started to recognize me so often they banned me from ever doing it again."

"Wow. I've never gotten one, myself."

"Do you want to try? I could show you."

"Uh, sure, I guess."

The stall owner gave me a paper net, and Tomioka was trying to demonstrate the action. I tried to copy him, but he shook his head. "No, it's like this," and he made a funny wiggle of his wrist. "You've got to scoop the fish by its head," he advised.

I tried a few times to no avail.

"Fuck, it's really difficult, isn't it?" I commented. I wasn't too angry about it, but then Tomioka took my hand, gripped it tightly, and suddenly twisted it upwards.

"Two goldfish to you, son!" the stall owner said, ringing the bell in celebration. "Congratulations on your new pets, young man!"

My mind went blank. Did he just ... hold my hand? I numbly took the bag from the stall owner and looked at Tomioka, who seemed completely unbothered at what he had just done.

"You'll have to put them in a proper tank," he said matter-of-factly, but I could tell he was pleased.

"You just ... " I resisted the urge to rub my temples again. "Never mind. You can have mine - my siblings are just going to kill them."

"Oh. Thanks, Shinazugawa."

-x-

We ended up on top of a hill at the edge of his campus that had taken a bit of effort to get there, but the view was beautiful and there were almost none to few visitors there, probably due to how late it was. I didn't question it, and Tomioka hadn't offered an explanation yet. He saw me as a friend now, I concluded, and walking side by side next to someone like him was by no means painful for me.

There was a bench coming up and it was here that we finally stopped. "I sometimes come here to think," he said. We sat down, with nothing to do except to wait for the fireworks.

"It's nice," I said. "I can see why you come here."

"I have to make a confession. I actually wanted to call you the day you left my apartment. But it took me a while to get around to it."

"That's OK," I said. "It's not like we don't have a lot of time on our hands." A silent spark exploded into a thousand extraordinary particles of light, creating a blooming, fiery flower against the inky sky. I watched it fade into oblivion, before another spark of light rose up to replace the previous firework.

"It's funny you say that. Because the one thing I've learned is that you never really have as much time as you think you do."

That made me turn my head. His eyes met mine, and I felt a certain warmth pass over my body. "What do you mean?" I asked.

He put his hand over mine, which had been resting on the bench. "I'm saying that I'm learning to appreciate the things in front of me, and that I shouldn't take them for granted. That's why I'm telling you now that I like you, Shinazugawa."

My reaction was not simple. Every inch of him was sincere. I knew that, but something inside of me was cynical.

"Are... Are you fucking serious? But - but what about your best friend?"

Strangely, he nodded, as if he knew that I would object in the exact same way. "The love I have for him will never completely disappear. That doesn't mean I have to live in the past any more than the way that I did before I met you."

Hook, line, sinker. I knew that I couldn't have come up with a better answer, even if I tried. "But … there's nothing special about me. You're mistaken."

"Are you kidding? You walked into that flower shop that day not giving a damn what other people thought about you. You just wanted flowers for your mother and you didn't care who you had to talk to. I thought that was the coolest thing, after seeing so many people getting flowers for the wrong reasons. You were just sincere in everything you did, and it was one of the first things I liked about you."

"Something that small made such a big impression on you?" For some reason, I found hearing Tomioka saying the word damn oddly endearing. In fact, I had never seen him so full of life, his eyes full of passion. Underneath the bloom of the fireworks, it was as if he had been reborn into someone else entirely, and my heart ached for him.

"Of course," he confirmed.

"Well, listen to me now, because I'm not going to say it again. I like you too. You're really clueless sometimes, you stare at me way too fucking much, and sometimes you forget to take care of yourself to the point of ridiculousness, but... ah, fuck it. Who am I kidding? I guess I like all these parts of you too."

He smiled. "I'll take that."

-x-

Tomioka Giyuu

(Six months later)

-x-

The snow crunched beneath our feet as we walked all the way to the campus. Sanemi looked white as a sheet, his skin turning paler than the shock of his hair under the winter sun. I had picked him up from his house and then we took the train together to my university.

"Nervous?" I asked.

He nodded, unusually silent. This was a big deal for him, so much that when I gave him a good-luck charm from the shrine near my apartment, he accepted it without a complaint. Before, we had argued over whether there was an afterlife or not. After all, he was an adamant atheist. I on the other hand, having seen Sabito once in my dreams as if he still very much existed somewhere beyond my understanding, would argue against him just as passionately.

I bought him a can of hot coffee from the vending machine near the gates of the school and tucked it into his scarf, hoping that it would slightly soothe his nerves. Even with this gesture of kindness, it had no effect on him, even though he didn't mind me being the more affectionate out of the two of us. Already there was a large crowd gathered at the bulletin board with what must have been hundreds of numbers.

"Let's go," I said, and he nodded, with a determined glint in his eye.

We pushed our way to the front, our eyes scanning the board for the number 210929. I was anxious, looking at the rows ahead - I could see 210900... 210913... 210917... 210925...

"There it is! Look, Sanemi!" I tugged on his sleeve excitedly. "You got in!"

At first, he didn't speak. Then, I saw that his eyes were slightly damp.

"I did it," he said hoarsely. "I really fucking did it."

"Congratulations!" I said, happy as a lark. "You're officially a college student!"

He wiped his eyes with his sleeve, visibly relieved. "Fuck."

"C'mon, let's go somewhere to celebrate. What would you like? A deluxe eel bento special? Sukiyaki? Or should we go to a sweets shop for your favorite ohagi? Or - "

"Giyuu."

"What?"

"Shut up. Let's get the fuck out of here before I freeze to death."

I grinned. "Fine. But you should at least call your mom before she has a heart attack."

"I will, in a bit." He took out the can of coffee from under his scarf and popped the tab, taking a sip. Gradually, we made our way out of the school and back to the train station, my hand in his pocket and his calloused fingers wrapped around mine.

"You'll have to call me senpai now," I informed. This got a soft smile out of him. "Oh yeah?"

"Not only that, but I'll make you do all my homework. And you'll have to introduce me to all your cute freshmen classmates."

He let go of my hand, still smiling, and leaned in for a kiss. Since last summer, I had shared all sorts of kisses with him - some were soft, some were sensual, some comforting - but this one was different. This kiss was sweet and promised of a future.

"Thanks," he said, once he withdrew. "I couldn't have done it without you."

I smiled, knowing that in a while, we would go home and tell the good news to his family, and they would cook up a huge feast in celebration of all his hard work paying off. But for now, we would walk hand in hand while the streets were still empty and there was no one to interrupt the two of us.

After all, I was happy.

-x-

The End

-x-

a/n: And they lived happily ever after.

Q: Why is Sabito dead in this AU?
A: Because if both Sabito and Sanemi were both alive, Giyuu wouldn't even notice Sanemi.

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