Make Way And Stop The Revolution.
(or why it's absurd to not age up the characters)
As you know, someone with a lot of free time and no real idea how things work wants to waste his time protesting the necessary aging-up of the characters in Nickelodeon's The Loud House. This monologue is meant to poke a hole in that idea.
We find ourselves watching Lincoln in his room laughing at something he's just seen on line. He then notices that he's got an audience again, logs out of his computer and turns to face the camera.
"Oh, hello, there. It's been a while since we able to talk but I'd like to speak to you about a subject I've just become aware of: someone out there in cyberspace has no real idea what our show is actually about is outraged by the plans we have for the fifth season. It'd be funny if the guy weren't serious."
"Oh, sure, there's been a bit of a problem with staleness of ideas and a flattening of my character but what the person doesn't realize is that staying in place is what's making it impossible for them to write me. My story, our story, why, it's just getting started really. What I see the past four seasons as being as putting the actors on their marks for when things actually get going. Now, don't get me wrong, here. I don't hold it against him for hating change but, well, I think I'm due for a change….overdue, even."
"Check the opening credits we have now to see what's really wrong with the 'me' you see these days: no matter how much character development Lori and the others have gotten over the last four seasons, all 'I' am allowed to see are their predominant characteristics on the most superficial level possible. 'I' cannot look past surface impressions or through psychological defense mechanisms nor am 'I' really allowed to understand the difference between fantasy and reality. Also, the advantages of working in groups is a mystery to 'me'. Also, the new writing staff look at old episodes and say "Lincoln fall on face. Funny. HRRRRRGGGHHHHH" because they don't quite get what the older staff were trying to say about grace under pressure."
"Pressure is what I'm going to be getting a lot of because like Lynn, I'm going to be the ONLY sibling in Middle School next year getting used to doing things in a different way and with different people. While they'll probably keep Clyde, I don't expect that the rest of my old supporting cast is going to stick around. I'm guessing the figuring out how to fit in without making the mistakes that turned Lynn into the basket case she is under the bluster is going to point me to whatever it is I'm actually supposed to end up being. What should be obvious is that I'll have the same sort of epiphany Luna once had….when it finally dawns on the writers to notice that Squidward wears an orange polo shirt too."
"Yes, I am talking about how they'd 'wasted' father-son bonding and inheriting the restaurant on Luan when I should have been the natural choice. If you ask me, I think that they're saving that up for later. It'll be like when the Cutie Mark Crusaders stopped doing all of the counter-productive idiocy that was getting them nowhere fast and got what they wanted. I see my end game as finally realizing that 'I' don't need to and never should have 'competed' with my sisters for attention. I just hope some misguided fool doesn't give me a really stupid Freudian excuse for tripping over my own feet and assuming that benign situations will inevitably devolve into a catastrophe and making that catastrophe happen when it's discovered that I'm supposed to an apprentice chef. Lynn got a great reason for being mess: every cute thing she did in elementary school turned into a crippling obsession after years of bullying. Me, I'll probably whine that all I ever hear about is when I mess up so messing up is expected of me."
"Anyway, I'm just going to be one of the plot threads we have to follow. Lori gets to double-dip on this show and on The Casagrandes which allows for the possibility of crossover specials, Lily starts to develop a personality and a talent I'll have to suck at because male competence is against women or some d'ast thing and well, Lynn goes to high school for the first time. I hope that answers a question no one who watched Middle Men never asked: 'When she was getting bullied, why didn't Luna or Luan do anything to help Lynn?' That's what bothers me about all the focus on my shooting myself in the foot to get some me time: they're so focused on what happened to me that they don't understand why Lynn acted out. For some reason, they appear to have at the very least stood by and watched her get mistreated and did nothing and it kind of ruined her. Maybe the same thing happened to Luan. I hope we find out."