The Wrong Hero





On the 13th day of the 13th month of the 13th year...magic will return to the world...and the streets will run red with the blood of the (semi)innocent...unless the world is saved by the most unlikely of hero's...baking cupcakes?!

The title is '13/13/13' and it'll be coming to a bookstore or E-Book site near you! Xilbris is the publisher, also available at Amazon, Inkitt and BarnesandNoble.


Filtch grumbled as he was STILL cleaning up the rubble from last weeks fire-fight between Harry Potter and his brother SirNotShowingUpInThisStory Potter(evidently there was a bureaucratic error with his name when he was born); AKA the now proven FALSE 'boy who lived'...

He kept grumbling as he swept past a man who was busy reading the Daily Prophet:

Albus Dumbeldore: Monster or Manipulative bastard?

Last week the world was shocked when Harry Potter not only proved he was the true 'boy who lived', but also decades of the supposed 'leaders of the Light's' corruption and manipulation.

Enraged, Dumbeldore's pawn- SirNotShowingUpInThisStory Potter -violently tried to murder Harry and his newly announced Fiancee's...but ended up only killing his parents by accident.

Not only did this guarantee his immediate one-way trip into the Veil but also granted Harry Potter's headship of the ancient and esteemed Potter family!

The 'man' closed the paper, revealing the 'man' to be nothing of the sort. But in reality a twisted eldritch abomination. He was tall, wore a business suite, had long slender arms...and had no face.

"Stop me if you've heard this one..." Began Slenderman as he walked through Hogwarts Halls, apparently invisible to all who saw him...

"A manipulative, Meddlesome, wicked, old wizard tricks a dark lord to kill himself at the hands of a toddler. Said old man then convinces the toddlers gullible parents to abandon the child to their abusive relatives and lavish all the praise and attention on his twin brother. Said brother then plots revenge against the old man, his useless family, his spoiled brat of a brother, seize his destiny as the second coming of Merlin...and for some reason get himself a beautiful harem of woman."

He walks toward the great hall where Harry and his lady's are having a meeting.

"Sorry Harry, but it looks like that although this will cost him his ICW and Grand Muggwump positions, he'll be still holding on to his Headmaster status." Said Daphne Greengrass.

"Still too many people who believe the old fart to be a untouchable God who we lowly mortals should just be lucky he graces us with his presence, is there?" Snarked Harry annoyed.

"I'm afraid so and although the court proceedings have made it forbidden for him to come back to Hogwarts for the rest of your third year...Fourth year he'll be back and ready to meddle."

Harry sighed, "We'll nothing we hadn't already predicted." He turns to his others girls. "Hermonie, how about things on your end?"

Hermonie shook her head, "Sorry Harry. But the stipulation in the Potter family founding charter that insists that all Potter heads of the family must go through all seven years of Hogwarts pre-exists your father and Dumbeldore's manipulations. So there's no grounds for calling them unreasonable or trickery. It was apparently put in to make sure that the head of house was properly educated and stayed loyal to their were stuck at Hogwarts until we find a way around it."

Luna perked up, "On the plus side; I've successfully helped the aurors break through Snape's Occulemency and Vetriasum defenses, he's singing like a canary! More ammo to throw at Dumbeldore and a one-way trip through the veil for Snape! Even if Dumbeldore still walks, he's lost his most powerful supporter! That'll get his nargles in a twist!"

Harry laughed at that and continued to talk more strategy...

"I can hear you now...'Of course this is familiar!' 'I've Already Read this cliche a thousand times before!' 'This isn't anything new!' 'And why are we only picking up AFTER the conflict is over? That's stupid!'..."

Slenderman glared at the reader, "That's some attitude you got there mister...Besides your wrong! Skipping ahead to the emerald city doesn't mean the plots over! There are still wicked witches to slay! Flying monkey's to thwart! Maybe even a task or two by the wizard himself if were lucky! Besides...this time it's different. This time Harry is NOT the hero of this tale! The real hero is none other than-

The camera pans away to...Nevile Longbottom?

"What? No, not him!

Camera pans away to...Crab?

"No, to the right!"

Camera pans to Hagrid?

"No! Your other right!"

Camera pans to Ron?

"Hell no!"

"Oy! Why not me?" Shouts Ron annoyed.

"Shut up Weasley, the only reason you weren't killed off is because Rowling felt sorry for you!"

Impatient, Slenderman then grabs the camera and forcibly pans it to...a kid wearing three bear pelts, dripping blood and carrying a large 20 ft pole walking into the Great hall?...

"Confused? Good!" Said Slenderman happily as he reclined in a chair and summoned up some popcorn.

"Now while Dumbeldore is still in jail, the light will be in complete disarray possibly even shattered thanks to all the revelations. Now the dark faction- although not hurt to the same degree -will still be a bit disoriented thanks to their greatest backer now reveled to everyone- including themselves -as Dumbeldore. But they'll regain steam soon enough! It's imperative that through Greengrass's family we rally the Grey factions and-


Harry looks over confused-


"What the-


Nope, he wasn't seeing things...a large pole was poking him in the back...over and over...

"Harry...I do believe a bear with a nasty case of Wackerspurts wants to play pokey with you." Points out Luna. well as everyone else, all turn to see the 'poker'...and is a kid wearing multiple bear pelts, poking him from a safe distance...while the steady dripping of blood is heard...

"Uh...what?" Asked Harry confused.

Seeing he had his attention, the 'bear' reached into the fold of his pelt and-

(music begins to play)

Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga

Sings the 'bear' while pumping his fists in semi-rhythmic motion...

Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga

He continues to dance his way toward Harry...

Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga
Ooga-chaka, ooga-ooga

"Uh...what?" Asked Harry confused

I can't stop this feeling
Deep inside of me
Girl, you just don't realize
What you do to me

He sings while getting on his knee and gesturing toward Harry.

When you hold me
In your arms so tight
You let me know
Everything's all right

He spreads his words out...

I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I'm hooked on a feeling!
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

He shakes about while pointing to Harry at the last bit...

Lips as sweet as candy
Its taste is on my mind
Girl, you got me thirsty
For another cup of wine

"Am I...on television?" Asked Harry, looking around confused...

Got a bug from you girl
But I don't need no cure
I'll just stay a victim
If I can for sure

"Okay, be honest? Who is this? Fred? George?"

All the good love
When we're all alone
Keep it up girl
Yeah, you turn me on!

Everyone just stared in disbelief as the 'bear' continued to serenade Harry...

I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

Hermonie looked at the puddle of blood gathering beneath the bear concerned...

All the good love
When we're all alone
Keep it up girl
Yeah, you turn me on

She sends a Patronus to summon Madam Pomfrey...

I'm hooked on a feeling
I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

I'm hooked on a feeling
And I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me

I said I'm hooked on a feeling
And I'm high on believing
That you're in love with me
I'm hooked on a feeling

The 'bear' ends the song, get on bended knee and declares. "Lord Potter. I Wheatley Eggert, come to you to ask for my family to become your vassal...and also that you PLEASE don't let me swallow my tongue..."

Those were his last words before falling down unconscious from the lack of blood...

Harry summed up everyone thoughts on the matter... "Seriously, what the frack?"



AN: The song is 'Hooked on a feeling' by 'Blue Sued'.

AN: Want me to continue this? I'm willing to take Bribes! Go to my P,a,t,r,e,o,n account!

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