Valentines

It was a cool february evening on the boardwalk of a west coastal town. February 14th had come and gone, as it was now about 1:30am. We pan our view across the pier to the strip of shack-shops. arm in arm two small figures bounced off the pier steps and towards a taller yellowish shop. Looking up with an arm raised, to shield his eyes from the intense mildew orange lettering, kermit read "shore shack huh, say miss piggy it looks like they're still open." "oh seriously kermit, a damn shack, if we had went to hawaii instead of this broke back shack town, it would still be valentines day." kermit stared at her wordlessly with dead eyes, but eventually her gaze broke his, he sighed and she walked him into the shack regardless.

Inside loud surf rock blared from a cheap coconut shaped speaker on top of the fridge. Causing the audio to be even more distorted than the 180p youtube video it was playing from would already necessitate. a few of the bar seats were occupied, leaving two open for piggy and kermit. As they sat down the grating berating began. "Kermit why don't you ever-" just then a large figure loomed over the two puppets. It was a hawaiian man as wide as the island itself, with a smile like an upside down rainbow. "Hey hey little cousins, my name is Tito, and like I told those other shoobies at the bar, keep it down or don't place your coconuts down." the mans sheer presence made kermit and piggy feel like they just went swimming at the beach, and put on clothes without showering. A wave of sand and grit soaking their very souls. They couldn't move. That was until, without ordering, Tito put down two heavy milkshakes in front of them. Kermit knew not to look a gift shake in the mouth, but miss piggy wanted to order french fries, so she began "hold on big man, I don't want a shake, I want to order a basket of fries, hold the salt, hold the oil." Tito was facing the grill, and without moving his frame, his head crooned slowly, with a wide smile towards miss piggy. Kermit still sandy with fear began to plead that miss piggy take it back "come on miss piggy he already made the shakes, besides you can dip your fries in the milkshake they're good that way." but she wouldn't have it "no no no no no no no no no-" "BANG" tito slamed a wide red hand on the counter in front of her, knocking over her milkshake and nearly shattering the rings on her hand with pressure." An ancient hawaiian once said, raymundo won't let me close the shop until all the customers are gone, but that doesn't mean I have to be polite to some shoobie. Get out of my shop you spit roast slut." Ms. piggy had never heard such words, she left in a huff immediately, and kermit began to pick up his coat, when from the other side of the bar, he heard a "heh, that'll show her." kermit was now the one in shock, who could this brash voice belong to. He peered over to see three large man on the seats adjacent. One stood up combing his large yellow pompadour, "now that was a lady, heartless to the end, and beautiful as they come." putting his comb in his pocket, he whipped a hand downt to kermit, gesturing for a handshake. Kermit's limp puppet arm met his, and the man squeezed firmly, it would have broken every bone in kermits hand if he had any. "Nice to meet you greeno, i'm johnny bravo, and these two are my bros, Ryu, kirby, and SCP 137." Kermit looked closer to see a third small pink circle with a face in the farthest seat down. "Poyo" it said.

"Nice to meet you too" kermit said. Johnny grinned. "You seem like you could learn a thing or two about women. And more importantly, about not being whipped by one." kermit frowned "you know fellas-" just then a busty blonde bimbo bustled by on the boardwalk. Johnny's eyes grew sharp. "Hold on feltie frog watch this. In a cartoonish slide that slumped him down low, he slid across the street and up again beside the woman. Johnny slapped her ass so hard it was deafening and began to speak, "uh huh uh huh I said uh heyyy baby, that's a beautiful a hunk of meat ya got there." the woman raised a hand and sprayed johnny in the eyes with pepper spray, spraying and spraying for a fulll ten seconds as he crumbled to the floor. He curled into a fetal position and began to cry. Kermit turned back to the other three. Next was Ryu. He stood up.

Now frog, I will show you how to hit women. Ryu walked over to the same woman who was now putting away her spray and stepping over Johnny. He grabbed her from behind by the neck, and threw her over his shoulder on to the ground. She stood up going immediately into her super move. High kick block low kick block, high kick block low kick block. Over and over she attacked but Ryu blocked every move perfectly. Then jumping for one final kick, ryu blocked again, and kicked her in the stomach. She crumbled next to johnny and they both rocked back and forth in the fetal position. Ryu walked back over to the bar. Kirby said "poyo", SCP 137 made the sound of concrete scraping on a metal floor. Ryu sat down, and nodded to his boys.

Kermit's mood had leveled out somehow. "Okay guys, I think i'm starting to understand. Do you two have any advice for an old pussywhipped amphibian?" Kirby looked confused, again he flattened his body and said "poyo". But SCP 137 just stared. And stared and stared. For what must have been minutes kermit and scp 137 locked eye, until everything else had dissapeared. SCP 137 was made of some paper mache like material, 8 feet tall and heavy set. with arms stretced straight out like a zombie, and stubby legs without joints. No mouth. Just a smooth round head. spray painted with splotches of blood red green and yellow. He more stood in front of the seat than he did sit down. And he more existed in space than he did occupy it. Kermit started to realize something when suddenly Raymundo walked over beside him and started talking loudly just inches from his face. "you know little cuz, they say that SCP 137 only moves when you're not looking. once you've noticed him, and I mean really noticed him, started thinking about what he is. The next time you blink, he'll snap your neck like a little twig on the beach." kermit seemed unfazed. "Well ya know, I don't have eyelids. So i can't really blink Mr. Tito." Tito's smile turned into a laugh "hahahaha, oh then you'll be just fine, sorry to worry you." Tito turned back to his fry cooking, SCP 137 had turned back to face the bar. Now it was kirbys turn to offer sagelike bro advice. He hopped off his seat, and gulping in the air, floated with three shakes of his arms, onto the bar in front of kermit. He spit out the air and knocked kermits shake off the table. Shattering glass and milkshake all over the floor by titos feet with a "SMASH". Naturally tito didn't wear shoes on the shore, even if it was shore shack. So his legs began to bleed. Kirby Then inhaled ms. piggys shake and swallowed. He changed colors, looking as white as the ice cream he just ate. He smiled and waddled back across the bar, kicking tableware everywhere and eventually plopping back into his seat. "Poyo"

Tito walked back towards the bar and with two hands, placed down ms. piggy's fries, and a new shake for young kermit, who had his smashed moments ago. Like a true porker, ms. piggy appeared in the shore shack on the same frame her fries hit the table. As she sat down she flipped her hair and said "finally." then began to eat. kermit watched in amazement as she began to eat fries by the handful, before reaching for HIS shake. Kermit knew what he had to do. Looking over her shoulder to the three remaining bros, Ryu and kirby nodded in silence, while SCP 137 absorbed noise, causing the music to dissapear. The room was Kermits.

"Hey Ms. Bitchy" Kermit wound up his body, and spun around, his small felt arm limply slapping her ass out of the seat. Causing her to fall onto the ground. She looked up in disbelief, she was about to scream but kermit just stared at her, this time his eyes dead with purpose, scaring her into silence. They stared at each other for minutes. The room would have been completely quiet, if it wasn't for a faint hawaiian netflix show playing on titos red nintendo wiii via a small crt above the grease pit. After staring intently for a moment longer. Kermit knocked the fries off the counter, they fell over ms. piggy. Burning her face with hot grease. Then kermit reached for his shake. And without breaking eye contact. Downed the whole thing in one suck. Before dropping it on the floor next to ms. piggy. Shaterring the glass again. She turned with teary eyes, and ran out of the shack, down the boardwalk back towards the motel. All the boys gave kermit a big thumbs up. And tito cracked a couple of brews. They all unzipped their fly's and let loose their guts. They could finally relax.

The end.