TITLE: Field of Innocence
SONG: "Field of Innocence" by Evanescence
AUTHOR: Alyxandria Jolivet
CONTENT: Dark Themes
GENRE: Drama, Horror, Angst, Humor, you get the idea...
SUMMARY: Never was good at Summaries. :D Basically, we have Integral who pauses to reflect on her childhood and just how it has affected her today. Quite a bit of reflecting, might I add. It explores reasons as to why she chooses not to mix blood with Alucard, as well as exploring the dynamics of her relationship with Alucard and Walter. Why she smokes Cigars, why she's so cold and distant, why she chooses to be so damn ambiguous, and other reasons. Never the less, I think I did a good job. ^_^ Enjoy!
"I still remember the world
From the eyes of a child
Slowly those feelings
Were clouded by what I know now"
-- Evanescence, "Field of Innocence" ............................
Pools of ice twitch back and forth in idle boredom as that pearl-bleached gloved finger casually tests the trigger of her unloaded .38 calibur.
The response was the same. A firm, sharp sound of the spring that echoed inside that empty barrel. Strange, that such a silly, perhaps even annoying sound would ease Integral's mind. Firearms always did comfort her, at an almost maternal level. They protected her, rescued her numerous times. They were a way to relieve stress, set her mind at an ease, and even made her feel.. powerful. Guns gave Integral a god-like ability, the power of choice over a human being's life. How she could easily take it, how she could simply walk away. So simple to pull the trigger and end it all... so simple to draw the weapon back and slip it into her coat. So.. very... simple..
Click... click... click...
It was a choice, one Integral has used numerous times in her life. The judge of life or death... Oh the ability to choose whether one must live or die. The sheer power of that single decision was honey-flavored and sweet, ecstatic at some level, if you must. One could say it began early in her childhood, when her last living relative betrayed her and she was forced with that decision. One that Integral wasn't required to make, but she did out of her own motives - despite her young age. Alucard was there, with ease he could have sliced the man's skull and dried him of his blood within moments... but Integral chose that duty for herself, chose to be the one to take his life. It would be that sense of power.. the rush.. the adrenaline that, from that point on, Integral would live for.
"It's your choice."
The voice was sudden and quite unexpected, grounding Integral from those fleeting observations and reflections of her relationship with power. One finger continues to caress the trigger, the hallowed click maintaining a patterned melody that plays across the rhythmn of the universe. Soft lips curl, revealing an enigmatic smile that seems almost out of place on the woman's carved features.
"Must I repeat myself again, Alucard?" Her voice was smooth, a rich undertone that seemed to betray her feminity - breaking the silence of that room.
In response, a low chuckle whispers behind her. An undefinable sound best described as death's howl rasped across the room as Alucard emerged from his shadow, the liquid substance molding to make his human-like form. Crimson washed clothes emerged, dressing him with old finesse - however, this time, Alucard is without his candy-tinted glasses and the wide-rimmed hat. The wretched sound evaporated with the shadows once his form was taken.
Integral merely raises a lithe brow, finally turning to regard him in slight care.
"Shades and hats are for those who wish to hide something. I have nothing to hide from you, Master, so why bother?" Alucard whispered, his dry throat giving off the darker volumes of his voice as he approaches Integral while casually reading whisps of her thoughts and curiousities.
The Bureau Director pauses to eye Alucard, those pools of crystal blue stirring only a moment to delve into those rings of crimson before Integral's attentions return to the empty weapon that occupies her hand, setting the firearm down. She was avoiding eye-contact, and Alucard knew that very well.
Integral always did have such a difficult time dipping into the pinpoint of black swimming in canyons of red and orange - no matter what vampire those crimson eyes belonged to. Eyes were the gateway to the soul, and looking at a creature such as a ghoul or a vampire or some other undead, Integral knew very well there was no soul behind those dead, illuminated pools. It was frightening and sickening for Integral - a devote christian to the church - to see the physical manifestation of the dead and look into the face of a man who willingly lost his soul. It was this that made Alucard so frightening, so repulsing, so disgusting to Integral.
The vampire reads these thoughts of mixed repulsion and dread, which edged him to step closer to his master, knowingly pushing the woman's buttons in all the right ways. Ah, but perhaps your thoughts misguide your fears. Perhaps it is not that I have no soul that disturbs you, but rather what little soul I've left reflects the man I once was... and I believe, master, that terrifies you.
Sir Hellsing says nothing in reply to those thoughts, her mind shut off and blank from Alucard's proddings. Not necessarily barring her pet out, merely wiping her thoughts clean and letting her focus on the here and now. It was a skill Integral acquired from the ten years she lived with her servant, one that did her quite the amount of good and unnerved Alucard to no end.
The Master's pet smirks with amusement, a fang lazily overlapping his lowerlip as he drew closer to Integral while words casually hiss from his throat. "I'm curious, Master. Why do you continue to refuse my offer?"
Alucard's blunt question surprises Integral. She did not expect her servant's curiousity to dwell in her own thoughts, ones he could easily read and delve into without bothering to waste his breath. "Truly, Alucard. Why bother asking such a petty question?"
Smiling in mock anticipation, the servant vampire steps into the light and casts a shadow over Integral. He maintains this stand for a brief moment before leaning his upper body into the mahogony desk, arm arched and the weight of his head supported by one hand. "I believe your reasons for refusing the offer of a No Life King stem beyond your pathetic spirituality, morals, and loyalty to your family name."
The Woman of Steel's ashen lashes narrow around the almonds of her azure eyes, a single lock of hair gently plucked by Alucard's free hand. The waltz of amusement circles in his eyes, as he kneads the spill of iced blonde between his index and fore-finger - watching the threads fall from his contact. Integral slaps his hand away as she grew annoyed with him, causing the vampire to do it once more. Gently pushing the envelope, testing the tension on the leash, prodding the extent of his Master's fury. "Is that so, Alucard? And what might these reasons be?"
The pet's mouth curves into a wider smile, exposing the ivory glint of his fangs as orbs of fluorescent red follow Integra's steel gaze, challenging the Hellsing into a staring contest. "Why do you grow so distant from me?"
One lithe brow raises, Integral's intense eyes unflinching as she is forced to swim circles in Alucard's dead, red orbs... soul abandoned behind those twin bits of red. The soul was the very epitome of a man's conscious, his ability to enter Heaven or Hell. Without that ability, he loses his common sense and care to follow certain rules as they no longer apply to him. As such, his compassion for humanity is sharply limited and he loses that single passion seperating the damned from the living - Empathy.
Alucard had no smart retort, no laughing gesture, nothing to meet Integral's thoughtful revelation. His smile merely widened as his gaze buried into her eyes, veying for control in the most childish of ways.
"Answering a question with a question? Alucard, I haven't the time for games. Get to the point or leave," Integral mutters in growing irritation.
"Thou dost think the woman be impatient, ignorant, or a mix," The pet chuckles at his play of words, the roll throaty and dark. "But truly, Master. Why so distant? If I recall, ten years ago you were a bit more close and willing to speak your mind. Not so afraid of the monster under your bed.. Always asking silly little questions and unafraid to touch me... but now our talks are so distant and professional.. you even refuse to meet my gaze as you once did.."
"Alucard, if I wasn't so certain, I would say you are acting.. nostalgic," Integral's brow levelled with the other, the competition of gazes felt ignored by both combatants for the time being - their conversation suddenly becoming personal.
The rings of red close, and for a moment his features are shed of their monstrous flavor - making him seem... terribly too human. This is present only for a brief moment until a smile curves Alucard's lips once more, revealing the light peak of one fang. "Your childhood was one of my more treasured memories," the monster in the visage of a man truthfully answers. Yes, Master. I miss it.
Integral allows a sound if displeasement escape her lips, Hnnn. Finally, she answers his question regarding her distance of him only as levelly as she can, her voice still at a monotone pitch. "I grew up."
Alucard shakes his head, sending leaves of that inky, unattached substance that is his hair in a disarray over his pale features. "No. You are still a child."
The heat of Integral's temper and sensitivity towards that annoying statement merely amuses Alucard. He takes a broad step to her side, the distance between both entirely too limited. Alucard's gaunt figure leans forward, face floating mere inches from Integral's as hands slam eitherside of her head, fingers curving into the leather frame of that armchair. The scent of old blood intermixed with wine causes Sir Hellsing's nose to twist in repulsion and disgust, her stomach churning while Alucard dips into those twin pulls of azure - unflinching, undaunting.
"Wear what mask you wish to, Master. Pretend to be the fearless leader you are. Hide behind that wall of humorless apathy. You cannot shell yourself away from me. You will always be that same little girl.. and I'm aware you know this too."
"Alucard.... step back," Integral's unwavered demand was crystal clear, yet her pet didn't care to comply, and this only irritated her more.
As Alucard's frame leans in closer, The Woman of Steel presses further into the chair - practically molding herself into the solid surface in order to maintain at least some distance between her and this vampire. If there is one thing Integral detests, it is violation of personal space, and right now Alucard is pushing all those violations... making her very uncomfortable. Removing one hand from the frame of the chair, Alucard's index finger curves under Integral's chin - tilting it upwards. The bureau director sharply moves her head away from this contact - flesh repulsed at his touch, turning her cheek to meet him.
"That is why you refuse to drink my blood. You would no longer have reason to hide your true self.. to hide behind your responsibilities, loyalties, and morals.. You would finally play the part of a No Life King than pretend to be one as you have all this years. You would no longer be that strong little lady I have come to fondly remember..." Alucard's words spill from his lips at their close proximity. "Don't you remember, Master? Have you not the heart to recall?"
"I choose not to remember.."
"You know the answer to that question."
"..So frail... so innocent... requiring the protection of those around you... A woman still in the mind and body of a little girl, raped of her childhood by God.."
Integral's eyes dangerously narrow. "Do not bring God into this subject, Alucard."
"...But was it not God who took your father..? Was it not he who planted the seed of evil in your uncle's heart? Was it not this God you so willingly love in, believe in, speak to, and devote yourself to.. that brought you to me...?" Alucard's smile broadened, mocking Integra and amusing himself in the same breath. "You miss those days, even if you grew up so quickly.."
"..Such a little girl, even now... still that little girl.. Your humanity, one you constantly push away... You pretend to be no different than the very things you choose to hunt, seperated only by a pulse." Alucard's grin of malice melts into gentle smile, a few fingers dancing across the spill of antique blonde. "That is why I choose to bother you.. to annoy you. To re-awaken those emotions, that humanity still lurking in your soul.. To remind you that you are, indeed, still human.. Master."
Integral was becoming tired of this, her body felt tied to the chair at Alucard's proximity, glaring up at him with a hint of anger.
"You remember.. how could you not?" Alucard's voice hissed from his throat with an almost predatorial thrill. "Admit you remember."
Integral says nothing, but the answer did not require words. Already her mind was flooded by the past of a child trapped inside the world of maturity.
As the memories came to her, Alucard could do little but close his eyes as he paused to share them with his master.
It all came back...
AUTHOR'S NOTES: To me, I felt Field of Innocence was the perfect theme for Integral "Iron Maiden" Hellsing. It seemed to define her more personal self, beyond the duties and goal-motivations of what we see in the Anime. I speak particularily about episode 10, when Integral's dreams venture into the more carefree necessities of childhood before thrust into the burden of responsibility. Integra, ultimately, has had no childhood. Her father died, her uncle tried to kill her, and she was raised by a monster and a butler - neither which are the best rolemodels.
So, thinking on Integral, it wouldn't be unwise to assume that maybe.. a part of her wishes she could go back to that innocence, a piece of her forcefully taken some years back. That sweet naivity, the ability to believe and depend on everyone, to trust in everything with that same innocence. A world raped from her at the tender age of thirteen - yet still lives fresh in her mind.
At the same time, it was those weaknesses that let her Uncle hunt her down as easily as he did. It would be those weaknesses that created the very dynamics of her relationship with Alucard presently. It would be those weaknesses that made Integral frail, mortal... human.
Integral does not like being weak. She does not enjoy being frail. One could even go so far as to say she hates being mortal. All of which are human characteristics. So she takes great measures to be a human who, at the same time, is not human at all.
Alucard, as annoying as he is, is the only one who dares to try to re-awaken those characteristics of humanity still clinging to Integral. Reminding her that she is frail, reminding her that she is emotional, reminding her that she is weak, reminding her that she is mortal. And the only way to shed away those weaknesses that cling to her like a bitter nuance is to submit herself as a true No Life King. There is no other way. Integral can either choose to continue playing her game of pretend, or she could truly /become/.
And that's what makes the decision so damn difficult to make. Be the very thing she yearns to be(A being of no weakness, no limitations, no disabilities unlike mortality), traded only for a great price(Her humanity).
I look forward to seeing you guys in future chapters! :D We will be seeing Integral's childhood and the chapters will be indexed as follows -
We'll be discovering just what makes Integral tick. How her past makes her who she is now, her relationships between Walter and Alucard as she grew. Some of its going to be cute, so I hope you have a strong stomach. Other parts are going to be quite angsty, so again, I hope you have a strong stomach.
Look forward to seeing you guys next chapter. :D Remember. R&R ;)