Disclaimer: I don't own the Harry Potter series, yada yada. Same for Marvel and stuff.
Author's Note: Have you ever read one of those Harry Potter stories where the author decides to have him work out all the time, getting up before the crack of dawn so Harry can become big & tough & hot? Well this takes that premise and beats all of the subtlety out with a sledgehammer. So get ready for DudeBro jock Harry.
It also features Thanos because internet memes are a thing and I wanted to throw in some even dumber humor. Enjoy!
In most cases, the accidental magic a child creates ties directly into their personality and the way they were raised. For example, someone like Hermione Granger might summon a book she can't reach from a book shelf. Ron Weasley, on the other hand, might have his tongue heal itself when he ate the pie his mother had set out to cool, not wanting to share even one bite with his many siblings. How that glutton never got fat is a miracle in and of itself.
However, neither of them is the focus of this tale.
Enter one Harry Potter. Chosen by prophecy to save the world when no one else was willing to get off their lazy butts. The cosmos probably should have picked someone else. Since he was also fated to be the long awaited Master of Death, and a meddlesome, senile old fool decided to poke his nose in where it didn't belong, Harry ended up kidnapped from his godfather and left like a newspaper on the doorstep of his magic-hating relatives, the Dursleys.
Petunia Dursley was a nasty, vindictive bitch. And she was the best of them.
Vernon and Dudley were both big fat bullies. Therefore, Harry's magic reacted in a very different way to protect himself. He became something very different.
A growing boy needs food. When the Dursleys tried to neglect him, Harry's magic summoned their plates away from them and held them in place, forced to watch as he ate seconds and thirds. It only took four hundred and sixty five times before they learned that lesson.
Harry got the biggest servings from then on.
When Dudley tried to bully Harry, to shove him around and treat him like a punching bag, Harry responded with the one thing all bullies understand- retaliate so hard that you beat it into their skulls. Knocking out half his baby teeth that first day walking home from school should have been enough for most people.
Dudley Dursley was both dumber and more stubborn than most people.
Two black eyes, a broken nose, a broken arm, and a trip to the emergency room for his smashed testicles finally got through his thick head. He would just try to bully the other kids instead.
Vernon took a few lessons of his own. He tried to discipline Harry after his precious Dudders came home with a handful of teeth that weren't ready to come out on their own. He got his belt off and was ready to whip the boy when he found out the hard way why that was a bad idea.
Not only did his pants fall down to his ankles, revealing his stretched out tighty whities, but as he tripped and began to fall, the belt flew out of his hand and wrapped itself around his throat. The belt choked him the more he struggled until he looked up at his horrifying nephew. Harry popped his knuckles with a smirk.
They were more brown and yellow than they had ever been before.
It only took a baker's dozen more times to get through to Vernon that even looking wrong at Harry Potter was a very bad idea.
As for Vernon's disgusting sister, Marge the bitch from hell, she came to visit for the first time in a few years just after Harry had turned six. She hadn't had a chance to learn any lessons yet, and that was to be her downfall.
She opened her fat gob one too many times (that would be just the once, actually) to try to insult Harry's parents. It led to explosive results.
The Little Whinging police department had to call in Scotland Yard to investigate. One of the bobbies had heard of the supposed phenomena called Spontaneous Combustion, but Spontaneously Blowing Up was something else entirely. How could a woman turn into a bomb?
And oh my god, the smell was awful. There were Marge guts and blood all over the Dursley family living room.
Except for where her little awful beast of a dog had eaten them. Ripper died of food poisoning, and the world was a much better place.
You would think that all of this would lead to Albus Dumbledore possibly checking on Harry Potter for the first time, but you must remember that Cinderella had to toil in obscurity for years. And the magical world was almost exclusively populated with crazy people.
Plus, Albus was a huge pothead, which explains why he was always so mellow. Not even Snape could harsh his buzz, which is why he didn't understand all the people that complained about the Potions Master.
Albus was still hoping he could get a piece of that bad boy ass too. After his failures with Gellert and Tom, it was clear that the old man had a type. While Severus hadn't succumbed to his charms yet, he had seen the Light, and Dumbledore took it as a sign that someday he would win the affections of the greasy brooder.
Brooding was so sexy, wasn't it?
Regardless of Albus Dumbledore's awful taste in men, life continued on in Surrey.
As Harry grew, the Dursleys did what they could to try to keep away from him. One day, Vernon heard of a gym that had opened up only a couple of miles away called Thicc Daddy's. The membership was somewhat expensive, but when he heard that it was open twenty-four hours a day, Vernon coughed up the money and Harry now had a place where he really felt like he belonged.
He was still only seven years old and not yet four feet tall, but he had the beginnings of a six pack and biceps that made people twice his age green with envy. Harry also met his first mentor.
He was kind of odd looking, with a purplish skin tone, but the ladies all flocked to him, calling him "Thicc Daddy." He was really big and strong though, which was all that mattered to Harry.
He did always wonder what type of name Thanos was though. It seemed kinda strange- what his uncle Vernon would probably call a 'dirty foreigner'- but Harry thought his accent sounded normal enough, kinda like an American movie actor. And far be it from him to discriminate against someone based on something as silly as skin color.
So for the next few years, Harry Potter ate like a horse and worked out almost daily. He was forced to take a few days off now and then, especially when his mentor told him that sometimes a man had to do other things to keep his perspective- and the fact that he had his arm around two of his 'honeys' told Harry all that he needed to know, it was something about girls that Thanos would explain to him when he was a bit older.
The Thicc Daddy had needs, and Harry would too someday.
The girls at school and around the neighborhood started to flock to him. For one thing, Harry was the one person that Dudley's annoying little gang always stayed well clear of. But he also heard several of them talk about how dreamy his eyes were, and they really seemed to like to caress his arms for some reason.
Harry tried to take it in stride, so he emulated his hero and started walking around with a girl in each arm. A couple of them did object when he would put his hands on their bottoms, but that's what the honeys liked Thanos to do, so Harry didn't understand why the girls at school didn't like it. Maybe they just weren't honey material?
Harry also learned something interesting one day when he went to the zoo. He could talk to snakes. And while he didn't think they were really that interesting to talk to, a guest in science class brought in a python that scared most of the kids.
Harry asked his mentor about it, and he was told that most people feared things because they were cowards and sheep. It was the duty of people like Harry and himself to do the hard things because no one else would. That made sense to Harry. The Thicc Daddy's metaphor might have partially gotten lost in translation though, because while he could understand the idea of killing wolves to protect the flock, Harry wasn't sure that he liked the idea of having to shave his flock of sheep people.
(Years later, it would lead to an interesting kink that several girls enjoyed, especially as Harry had started learning parseltongue magic by then and the verbal component of the depilatory charm was simply awesome.)
Still, Harry asked his uncle nicely (only one punch to the kidneys) for a hundred pounds and he went off to the pet store to buy himself a snake. He found a couple that were alright looking but they seemed pretty lazy, and if there was one thing Harry couldn't stand it was laziness. But then there was this one with black and white bands that he saw was called a Malayan Krait.
It stood out to Harry in large part because it was hissing up a storm about how it couldn't wait for meal time because it wanted to gorge itself on a nice fat tasty mouse.
He wasn't into mice, per se, but Harry did like to eat a big fat steak whenever possible. Meat meant protein, and protein meant muscles.
He was sold, even as the pet store employee tried to warn the strangely bulky boy that it was venomous, but for some reason he let him buy it anyway.
It was a good thing a manager wasn't around, because it probably would have cost the poor guy his job.
Things went well for the next few months, as Harry's new pet (that he named Destro, after the coolest member of Cobra) took to terrorizing the neighborhood and destroying the ecosystem by eating everything smaller than a cat... and Mrs. Figg might have lost one of her many furballs as well.
Harry was continuing to work out while the end of primary school was in sight.
Something changed one morning in March though. As he got up, he felt strange, and he started noticing things he hadn't paid attention to before. The way the girls smiled at him made him feel funny. Instead of looking at the fitness magazines, he stopped one rack over to marvel at the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue. And by the time he made it to the gym that day, his pants weren't fitting quite right.
Thankfully, he had someone he could ask about this sort of thing.
It was time for the talk about honeys.
Harry understood now. The next day at school, he paid a lot more attention to the girls that hung around him. He picked one out named Samantha that had been one of his friends for a couple of years now. She was one of the taller girls and she seemed less interested in some of the silly things that he didn't get about girls. Like, what was the deal with ponies? If Harry was going to ride a horse, it was going to be the biggest, baddest looking horse around.
And it certainly wouldn't have some cute little picture of a rainbow on its ass.
Anyway, Samantha, or Sammie as he sometimes called her, was all too happy to drag Harry off into a dark corner of the library during their lunch break and introduce him to something called 'frenching.'
Harry had always known his uncle was a moron, and so while he had never heard anything good about the French at home, he now knew that the French must be geniuses.
And Sammie became his number one honey for the rest of the year.
Before Harry knew it, summer had rolled around and it looked like Sammie was gone from his life. She lived kinda far away and was going to be starting at an all-girls secondary school.
So, that was a bummer.
And Destro picked the wrong time to make Harry angry. He was hissing one afternoon about how he hadn't had anything good to eat lately and that the birds wouldn't come down into his reach.
Harry, having his own issues with missing a bird, hissed back at him that he should "shut the hell up before he punched his stupid snake face in."
Destro was very confused. As a snake, he had no idea what punching was. Hell was also a completely foreign concept. But he knew stupid, and he got angry, so he bit Harry on the arm.
Very little venom got in though, as two of his teeth broke off on Harry's ridiculously beefy bicep.
Harry responded in one of the dumbest ways possible- he bit back. He learned that his teeth weren't really designed for devouring snakes, but the fight that developed was something that convinced the Dursleys even more that they had been right in avoiding Harry Potter as much as possible over the last few years.
Snakes can be hard to handle, especially when you're trying to grab one and smash it against a rock. But Harry was nothing if not persistent, so even though he got a few more bites, eventually he bashed Destro to death.
Vernon, Petunia, and Dudley were staring out the patio doors, but when Harry looked up at them, sweaty and disheveled with a limp snake in hand, they ran for the hills.
It would end up being the quietest dinner that night since the last time that Dudley had needed two of his teeth knocked out for bothering one of the honeys. Even a year before he had learned about frenching, Thanos had taught Harry the importance of taking good care of your honeys.
A week later, the letter from Hogwarts came. The Dursleys were far too terrified of Harry to attempt to lie to him. Plus, as Petunia suggested to Vernon when Harry had gone off to the gym, it was an opportunity for them to not have to be around the muscle-bound weirdo for most of the year. That clenched it.
Harry wondered what 'awaiting his owl' was supposed to mean. He shrugged it off- from what Petunia had said, the magical world was full of crazy people, so he assumed they would explain it some day. He set the letter aside and went back to doing crunches.
Several days and letters passed before a giant man banged on the door one Sunday.
"What do you want?" Harry grunted, needing to get past so that he could go on his morning run. It was what he always did when it wasn't leg day, and this huge guy was blocking his way.
"Blimey, Harry! What's the hurry? I've come to tell yer all about Hogwarts!"
"It will have to wait. I've got to do five kilometers before breakfast."
"What! Who is making yeh run like that?"
"I am. Gotta work hard to be hard, don't you know that bro? As big as you are, I'd think you'd understand."
"Look, I'll be back in a flash, but I don't have time to waste explaining things to you, dude." Harry pushed past Hagrid more easily than he expected, but the half-giant was so befuddled that he could do nothing but look on for a moment as the boy-who-lived ran off into the distance.
"Harry, wait!" Hagrid tried to rush after him. The booming footsteps rattled windows of the houses he passed. His much larger strides should have allowed him to keep up the pace, but Hagrid hadn't needed to run fast for more than a mile at most in years. He was still trying to catch his breath when Harry came looping back around.
He offered to take Harry out to breakfast though, and he agreed so long as he could have seconds. He was still a growing boy, after all.
A very odd conversation then took place as Hagrid filled in all sorts of backstory that might have been important if not for Harry spotting Sammie eating with her family nearby. Throwing her a wink, Harry excused himself from the table and headed to the restrooms just when she did.
"Harry! Who's the huge guy?"
"Eh," he shrugged. "Some fancy school has offered me a place there. I guess my parents went or something. But we've got something more important to talk about."
She was cut off by a couple of ridiculously strong arms thrown around her, pulling her close, and a tongue that she had personally trained. They spent a minute pressed up against the wall and furiously snogging until Sammie's mum came over and saw what was happening.
"I'll miss you, Harry!"
The trip to Diagon Alley probably would have blown a normal guy's mind, but Harry was still thinking about Sammie as he wandered around barely paying attention to Hagrid pointing out this or that.
Going off to this wizard school meant he was going to have to get some new honeys.
The bank did get his attention though.
"Yeh didn't think yer parents wouldn't have left yeh something, Harry? Course they did. Yer the last of an old family."
It was a huge pile of coins and that meant that Harry then was much more interested in his shopping trip.
Not so much for the school supplies, but what he realized he was going to have to do on his own time. The lack of access to his gym was going to be a huge problem. Thankfully, he found in one shop that they had several better models of magical trunks compared to the typical one that Hagrid tried to foist off on Harry.
He got one with five enlarged compartments and charmed to be able to hold as much as he wanted without any problems. Harry was going to have to talk to the Thicc Daddy Thanos about getting a good set of weights to take with him.
Meanwhile, Hagrid bought him an owl as a birthday present. It was a female snowy owl.
Harry couldn't think of any good names for an owl.
He was still puzzling over this when he got back to the Dursleys. If they hadn't been cowed into leaving him the hell alone, Petunia certainly would have screeched about having a pet in her home. Instead they merely stood silent as he went up the stairs.
"What will we name you, girl?"
"Prek? I don't think that's a name. I wouldn't want to call a dog arf, you know?" The owl nodded along, so Harry took that as a yes. "i don't know of any good owl names. But, maybe...
"There was this show about the Muppets, and they didn't have an owl, but they had an Eagle named Sam, and..." Harry looked the owl over very keenly. "My mentor always says that guys only get mushy about their honeys, and even then only in private, right? So keep this to yourself, or we'll have problems."
"Prek," the bird nodded, so Harry continued.
"Right, well the thing is, there is this one bird and she's been my best honey yet. I don't know if I'll see her again, and her name is Sammie, so I was thinking I could call you that. Alright?"
From then on, Harry took it for granted that he and his newly-dubbed Sammie could communicate. And since she was a girl, that meant it was okay to talk about mushy things, so she would have to be his confidant while he was away from the real world.
The next day, the Thicc Daddy asked Harry where he had been the day before. It wasn't like the boy to miss a day of exercise.
Harry hadn't been paying that much attention to all the nonsense about keeping magic a secret, so he told Thanos all about this wizard school he was going to have to attend and how worried he was about not being able to work out properly. Maybe even for months at a time.
"Come with me. Honeys, I've got to teach Harry a few things," Thanos said as he stood and the gaggle of girls parted while Harry followed along to his office. Once the door was closed, he opened up a safe and pulled out this huge glove with a glowing red stone in the back of it. "Cool, huh?"
"This is the Power Stone, Harry. There are some others, but this one is the most important. Right? What's better than Power?"
"Using it to smash your enemies?"
"There is that, little dude. It's good for pulling the honeys too. But regardless, Power is important. Now, there's a point to this Harry. You're going to learn some new things at this school, but you were my student first, right?"
"Then here's a very important lesson. Wizards are pussies."
"Someone that can use magic to do anything is almost always lazy."
"Lazy people suck."
"Exactly. They had this one skinny albino fuck that thought he was hot shit a few years ago. He was the same loser who killed your parents. And then do you know what happened? He cast the supposedly-unblockable killing curse at you and it just bounced off. Left that wicked scar too."
"And chicks dig scars."
"Sure, but that wasn't the point. This pussy wizard couldn't even kill you as a baby. He was supposed to be the biggest baddest dark lord ever, and he got beat by a baby's forehead. What does that tell you about wizards?"
"That they're pussies."
"That's my boy." Thanos' enormous hand covered Harry's head and mussed his hair so hard that his neck started to hurt. "Now then, it's far too important for you to keep up your training, so we can't just let you go off without any workout equipment."
"I got this magical trunk that I can put a bunch of stuff in, but I'll probably need to shrink whatever I take down so it will fit inside."
"Bring it over tomorrow, then. I'm not a wizard, but I've got Power on my side. We'll get you all set up before you go."