Things will never be the same
Warnings/notes : Crawford x Aya, an embrace, a little angst, maybe a wee tiny bit of fluff?, songfic, pov shifts after each songfragment
Disclaimer : I don't own Weiss Kreuz. The song 'Things will never be the same' belongs to Roxette, minor changes have been made to the lyrics.
written at 15th march 2003, by Misura
after writing this, I'd like to dedicate this to a lady who hopefully knows who she is and why I say 'Thank you' to her.
songlyrics are in //italics//, thoughts are in italics
There are certain ties between this story and 'Eternally dancing', my other CxA-fic, which is still unfinished at the moment.
//In your hands
Why I don't understand//[Aya]
I feel his arms sliding around me and I lean into his embrace. Some of the people passing us by are frowning at this public display of affection, while others smile or don't even notice us because they are too caught up in their own companions.
"I missed you." I whisper softly, not bothering to ask how his day was or how he knew he would find me here. I don't care about either, in part because I already know the answers.
"I know." he replies, equally soft. "I missed you too."
Breaking the embrace, we step apart to really look at the other person. I notice he looks more worn out than usual, more tired. I probably look the same to him.
We do it to eachother, unwillingly.
//You got the eyes of a man
But you hurt like a child
You always do//[Crawford]
Aya looks on the verge of exhaustion and paler than normal. His soul and heart are in his eyes, telling me how true those first words he spoke to me today were.
It never was my intention to weaken the shields he had put up between himself and the world, but every time I see him they are less stronger than before. As are mine.
I want to make those lovely eyes stop hurting and start sparkling again. I know I can do that, if only for a limited time, as long as we can't openly be together. It's tearing at both of us, yet we would never agree to wait. To stop meeting for the time being and wait for tomorrow.
We may both be dead tomorrow. Today we are alive though.
"Let's go to somewhere more private." I propose. "We can have dinner together."
He nods. "I will have to call the others I won't be home too early."
"Wait for a few moments with calling." I suggest, smiling. "If you do it now, you will get Yohji asking a whole lot of questions you won't want to answer."
//Touch me now
Cause I don't know when
When or where
We will meet again//[Aya]
I return the smile he gifts me with. It is so beautiful and yet he shows it so rarely. Maybe I'm the only one he has ever shown it. The thought makes me feel both priviliged and sad.
Walking side by side, but not touching eachother, we walk to the exit of the park. He will pick a restaurant and I will scowl and say I don't want to go there. Then he will suggest -politely- another one, which I will agree with, after a bit of bickering.
I don't know why we keep doing things that way, maybe because it is something normal people would do. And it's nice to kiss and make up after a bit of bickering, even if neither of us meant anything by it.
Not that we need any excuses to do things like kissing.
//That was then
Yes, but this is now
Time won't get me over you//[Crawford]
I wonder what his teammates think he's doing on those evenings and nights he doesn't come home. For me it's easier than for him ; mine aren't my friends, they're just my co-workers.
If I died only one person would care. They would just consider getting a new person to lead them a bit of an inconvenience. Farfarello cares about no one, Nagi is as cold as I was and Schuldich ... he would laugh himself silly at the suggestion I might be meeting a secret lover.
And cheerfully shoot me at Estet's orders.
Aya's teammates on the other hand are also his friends. He doesn't show it to them much, but I can hear it in his voice and see it in his eyes when he talks about them. They care for him.
He cares for them too, which means I have to regularly keep me and mine from harming people that show no such reservations to us. My lover's friends are not my friends.
Things would never be the same
Will I hear you call my name?//[Aya]
As we make our way to the place we settled on -a nice and usually quiet restaurant we have visited three or four times before- he leans over to me and softly starts to talk.
He tells me there will be a third guard in the building Weiss is going to strike at in two days, that Ken will break his leg, unless I let Yohji take the second floor instead, that Omi will need some extra sleep if he is to pass his history-test in four days and a bunch of other small facts.
The first time he did this, I was annoyed. I took serious offense at what I saw as his doubting of my capabilities as the leader of Weiss. I told him I had done fine on my own thus far and definitely didn't need any advice, no matter how well the intentions behind it.
The mission after that, Omi couldn't get away fast enough when the building collapsed. He had to spend a week in hospital. I knew I could have prevented it, if only I had listened. I felt guilty.
So now I listen and afterwards, I will say 'Thank you'. And I wish I could tell Ken whom he has to thank for his whole leg, or Omi whom he owes his good mark for history.
//If we changed it back again
Things could never be the same//[Crawford]
Our first fight was over me using my gift to foresee dangers for his team. I didn't understand why he took well-intended counsel as an insult. He had to explain it to me.
But I didn't give up. He cared about those people ; therefore their safety was essential for his happiness. And that last was my concern as well. If Weiss died, I would only mourn for his sake, even if he has tried to allow me to get to know them by telling me things about them.
Small things, nothing incriminating. Not for a lack of trust, rather for a lack of normalcy in my own life. What little he has, he shares with me and I am grateful.
Today he tells me about Omi's latest writing-project, Ken's new soccer-shoes and Yohji's most recent 'crush'. We agree that one day, Yohji will find a love as true as ours, but have different ideas on what she (or he, I insist) will be like.
Someone hearing our conversation would never suspect our true occupations.
//Things will never be the same
Can't you feel?//[Aya]
In an attempt to make up for the lack of thank from my teammates, I started telling him about our work at the flowershop and the people we meet that way. My descriptions of the rush-hour made him smile so I made it a habit to watch for other things I could share with him.
It gives me something to think about when he's gone and I think it also made me more aware of my surroundings. I got to really know my team-mates for the first time, by observing them.
Initially I also used to ask him things about the people he lives and works with. His responses were short and I could see the subject held little attraction for him. And yet ...
If he can be like he is right now, won't the same go for them?
//Can you hear me call your name?//[Crawford]
Later that evening, we watch the sun go down, painting the heavens in every imaginable color. In the morning, we will put on our masks again, but tonight we will be together, as ourselves.
Tomorrow I will start counting the days until our next meeting.