SUMMARY: The idea is to take characters that weren't on the show the first season, and strand them on a Satellite of Love, or something similar, and let them at the first season. Starring: Spike, Wesley, Tara, Gunn, and Anya with no pairings... but with mentions of some. (This is a sequel to Welcome to the Hellmouth With a Twist and Harvest All Your Mocking)

TITLE: You Dirty Rat! (1/?) WiP -- I'm about a quarter of the way through the episode 'The Witch'.

AUTHOR: sinecure


DISCLAIMER: Joss and ME own BtVS, I don't, and the way these past seasons are going, I'm glad I don't.

DEDICATED: To everyone out there who's a fan of BtVS and/or AtS.


"Wake up," an insistent voice told Spike.

He rolled over, yawning and stretching lazily. "What is it, Willow?" he asked with a smirk. "Need more ways to get the blonde witch out of your mind?" Opening his eyes when silence greeted him, he just about had to swallow a gulp at the sight that greeted him. Staring at the assembled group of people who were staring right back at him, he sat up and cracked his sore neck. "And we're back."

Said blonde witch glared at him so forcefully, he was sure she was trying to obliterate him with her magick. Fortunately for him, her supposed powers didn't work. "I told you to leave Willow out of your fantasies."

He chuckled at the impotent rage in her eyes. "And I told you that they aren't just fantasies."

Gunn shook his head at the two of them, tired of the same old argument. "Yeah, yeah, and I told both of you to shut the hell up about it already. We ever get out of here," he threatened, "I'm finding Willow and telling her to stay away from both of you."

"I'll be right there beside him," Wesley agreed with a sigh.

Anya shrugged from her chair in front of the screen. "I won't do anything. I could care less about Willow, or her possibly many lovers." she turned toward them, pointing to the screen. "It's about to start."

Spike sighed, wondering how long they were going to be trapped in this... place... and whether or not he could withstand the pain of killing all of them if they weren't freed soon. "Yay. More fun."

They sat down slowly, Tara moving as far away from Spike as possible. She had something against him apparently. He chuckled again, watching her pointedly ignore him to stare at the screen.


Sunnydale High School. Cut to the library.

Giles - (upset)

This is madness! What can you have been thinking?

SPIKE: (as Giles) ...canceling my subscription to Playboy is unforgivable. Get out of my sight!

You are the Slayer! Lives depend upon you! (begins pacing)

ANYA: (as Giles) I'll not have you traipsing around on street corners, selling your body!

GUNN: (as Buffy) It was only the one time, sheesh.

I make allowances for your youth, but I expect a certain amount of

GUNN: (as Giles) ...sumpin-sumpin' back from you, you know what I'm sayin'?

WESLEY: And suddenly Giles is a street-talking thug?

GUNN: (grins) Everybody's got a little thug in them.

SPIKE: And Giles was known as Ripper in his misspent youth.

GUNN: Okay, I was exaggerating, 'cause look at him, the man is all tweed-y. What'd he do, rip a pair of his pants in grade school?

WESLEY: Raised a demon.

ANYA: It killed people.

TARA: It tried to kill Buffy and the Scoobies.

GUNN: Oh. That kinda bad guy. See, he's street.

OTHERS: ... right.

responsibility, and instead of which you enslave yourself to this, this...

TARA: (as Giles) ...dominatrix with a whip and chains?


TARA: (rolls her eyes) I can't make sex jokes too?

(stops pacing) Cult?

Buffy - (wearing a cheerleader outfit)

You don't like the color?

WESLEY: Ba-dum-bum!

GUNN: What was that supposed to be?

WESLEY: A rim shot.

SPIKE: We Brits really can't do rim shots... please never try again.

WESLEY: Oh, that's funny. Really funny.

GUNN: (laughing) But true. That rim shot sucked.

WESLEY: (sighs) Fine. No more rim shots.

Giles -

I d... (exasperated) Do you, um... (puts some books on a cart)

ANYA: (as Giles) ...happen to have a word or two I can borrow? I seem to have run out.

Do you ignore everything I say as a, as a rule?

TARA: (as Buffy) Yep. That's my rule right under, 'Never accept rides from a stranger'.

WESLEY: (as Giles) You have to remind yourself not to get into a car with a stranger?

TARA: (as Buffy) You mean I'm not supposed to get into cars with strangers either?

GUNN: You're stuck in a weird place, aren't you?

TARA: Yep.

Buffy -

No, I believe that's your trick.

Giles pushes

ANYA: ...Buffy to the floor, points at her and laughs.

the cart to the counter. Buffy skips in front of him and poses.

Buffy -

I told you, I'm trying out for the

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...Streetwalkers of America, it's a very exclusive club.

cheerleading squad!

Giles -

You have a sacred birthright, Buffy. You were chosen to destroy vampires, not to... Wave

WESLEY: (as Giles) ...your breasts in people's faces... as entertaining as that may be. And I daresay it would be very entertaining.

ANYA: You sounded just like him there.

WESLEY: Oh, horrors!

pompoms at people. And as your Watcher I forbid it. (goes back to the table)

Buffy -

And you'll be stopping me how?

Giles -

Well, I... (sits on the edge of the table and crosses his arms)

GUNN: (as Giles) ...I shall pout and cry.

By appealing to your common sense, if such a creature exists.

Buffy -

I will still have time to fight the forces of evil, okay? I just wanna

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...boink them all first.

have a life, I wanna do

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...all of them. In every way imaginable, and I can't do that if I kill them first.

something normal. Something safe.

Cut to the witch's attic. The camera moves through the dark space. There are flowers and herbs hanging upside down from the rafters

GUNN: (as flowers, gasping) Kill us... kill us...

to dry and personal items with identification tags.

ANYA: (reading tag) Look, there's Giles' underwear.

SPIKE: Pre-stained.

OTHERS: (groan in disgust)

The witch moves around in the darkness.

TARA: ...and trips over things, forgetting she doesn't have X-Ray vision.

WESLEY: (as witch) Ow. Stupid box. Ow, dumb cat.

GUNN: (as cat) Rowr. Pfft!

The camera follows her to the cauldron. She waves

GUNN: the camera.

TARA: (as witch) Hi, camera people!

ANYA: (as director) Cut!

SPIKE: Why is there a camera in her attic? Does she hire a camera crew every time she does a spell?

ANYA: I told you before. It's the Powers That Be.

ALL: (not convinced)

a pendant on a chain over the brew, then pulls it back. She goes over to a rack and yanks off a doll

SPIKE: She'd get more enjoyment if she yanked off--

TARA: Stop.

SPIKE: (sighs)

hanging there by its neck on a wire.

GUNN: (as doll) Kill me... kill me...

Cut to the gym. Cheerleader tryouts are about to start.

WESLEY: (as random cheerleader) And one, and two, and-- Buffy! Stop throwing people into the ceiling. Their heads are making big dents.

Girls are stretching and practicing, doing back handsprings, cartwheels and walking handstands.

SPIKE: (excitedly) Now we're talking.

GUNN: (awed) Wow, look at that one bend...

WESLEY: (fascinated) Oh, that's... yes, very nice.

TARA: (wide-eyed) Did she just-- oh. I wonder if Willow can do that?

ANYA: (yawns)

One girl does a roundoff followed by a back handspring. Buffy, Willow and Xander come through the door.

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Ow!

ANYA: (as Willow) Ow!

GUNN: (as Xander) Ow! Next time, let's open it first.

WESLEY: (as Willow) Nah!

Willow -

Giles didn't

WESLEY: (as Willow) *his* door. Why should we open ours? He's so special?

GUNN: (as Willow) ...proposition you? But, he propositions me all the time.

approve, huh?

Buffy -

He totally lost his water.

WESLEY: Birthed a baby, did he?

We haven't seen a vampire in over a week. I'd say he should get a girlfriend if he wasn't so

WESLEY: (as Buffy) ...skanky. What a gay-boy! I mean, he didn't even look at my breasts once!


WESLEY: That too.

GUNN: (in sing-song) Issues.

Willow -

Well, we're behind you.

ANYA: (as Buffy) Tee hee. I had chili for breakfast.

TARA: (as Willow) *thump*

Xander -

People scoff at things like

SPIKE: (as Xander) ...stupidity and body odor, but I embrace them like a second skin.

school spirit, but look at these girls giving their all like this!

He notices Amber doing the splits between two chairs.

ANYA: (annoyed) Yes, yes, we get it. Xander likes to watch girls. Ha ha.

Xander -

Ooo, stretchy! Where was I?

Willow -

You were pretending that seeing scantily clad girls in revealing postures

SPIKE: (as Willow) ...turned you on. But we all know you're a ponce.

WESLEY: (to Spike) She says 'ponce'?

SPIKE: (shrugs) Nancy-boy then.

WESLEY: (amused) She says 'nancy-boy'?

SPIKE: (irritated) A flaming homosexual then!

WESLEY: (snickers)

ANYA: Xander's not gay. And if he was, so what?

SPIKE: Told you before, I don't care if someone's gay or not. But I reserve the right to make fun of him.

GUNN: Because he's gay? That's not right, man.

SPIKE: (rolls his eyes) Because he's Xander!

was a spiritual experience.

TARA: (as Willow) ...had by all? Or was it just me? Did no one else just see God just go skipping by? So it was just me then?

Xander -

Who said I was pretending? (to Buffy) Oh, hey!

ANYA: (as Xander) I just noticed you there. Um, you might wanna put that thing away, you're scaring the others.

GUNN: (as Buffy) Put what away?

ANYA: (as Xander) Your face. It's hideous!

Here's a good luck thing for tryouts. (hands her a bracelet)

SPIKE: (as Xander) I made it myself. Yep, I skinned a squirrel and yanked the bones free, stringing them together with fishing line. See the blood and gristle still on there? Means I really like ya!

GUNN: (to Spike) You, uh, you sound like you've actually done that before.

SPIKE: (shrugs) Wasn't a squirrel though.

OTHERS: (scoot away)

Buffy -

What's this?

WESLEY: (as Xander) A bracelet. Duh.

Willow -

What's that?

GUNN: (as Buffy) A bracelet. Duh. You're stupid.

Buffy -

Oh, how sweet! (reads the inscription)

TARA: (as Buffy) 'May you die an ugly and horrible death'. Oh, thank you, Xander!

'Yours Always.'

Xander -


GUNN: White boy's trying to rap again. (shakes his head sadly)

came that way, really, they all said that!

Willow - (exhales)

ANYA: Cheerleaders start dropping to the floor like flies from her toxic breath.

Cordelia - (approaches them)

TARA: And stands on her head before sticking her tongue out and leaving.

Just look at that Amber.

ANYA: (as Cordelia) ...sticking to things and rolling down tree trunks, imprisoning mosquitos! That Amber just thinks it's all that. Just look at it.

ALL BUT ANYA: We're looking! We're looking!

ANYA: (rolls her eyes)

Who does she think she is, a Laker Girl?

Willow -

I heard she turned them down.

WESLEY: I heard she slapped them all in the face.

SPIKE: I heard she slept with all of them.

GUNN: I heard she slid ice across the floor to trip them all.

TARA: I heard she stood on one foot and pointed at them and laughed.

ANYA: I heard she stinks.

GUNN: (as Buffy) No, that was me, silly!

Joy, the cheerleading squad leader, steps up with her clipboard and calls for everyone's attention.

ANYA: (as Joy) Attention! Attention! Okay, that's all I wanted. You can go back to your business now.

Joy -

Okay, listen up! Let's begin with (checks her clipboard)

SPIKE: (as Joy) Willow Rosenberg.

TARA: (glares) She's not even trying out. And how do you know her last name?

SPIKE: (ignoring Tara) Come on, Willow, bend and stretch like I know you can.

TARA: (slaps Spike's arm, having had enough) Stop it! She isn't yours. She's my girlfriend. *Mine*. She doesn't even like you. You bit her!

ANYA: What? When? (eyes Spike nervously) You can't bite now, can you? (to Tara) Can he?


Tara jumped to her feet, glaring at Spike angrily. "Why do you keep saying things like that?" she ground out, ignoring everyone except for Spike.

Spike shrugged, smirking at her lazily. "'Cause they're true? Because..." he stood up, glaring at her now, his face turning as he stalked closer to her, "I can't stand you, or this situation, or the people I'm surrounded by?"

Wesley and Gunn stood up quickly, moving toward Spike as he stalked Tara. They didn't make a move to stop him yet, since they were sure he wouldn't try anything, but if he did, they were ready.

"So what?" Tara sighed, backing up against the wall. "I don't like you either. Nobody here does. Nobody in Sunnydale does," she stressed, tilting her head to the side in mock regret. "Most especially, Willow doesn't like you." Tara straightened up, standing firm against his advance. "You're delusional if you think she'd ever do more than curl up her lip in disgust at the sight of you."

"Really?" Spike said softly, yanking his shirt off over his head.

"What are you doing?" Gunn asked loudly, his voice fading away as he caught sight of the scratches down Spike's back. He knew those kind of scratches. He'd had a few of his own at times.

Spike ignored everyone but for Tara. "Then why did she bite me?" His eyes lowered to the human bite marks on his chest and abdomen before rising up to meet Tara's confused gaze. He turned slowly, showing her the marks on his back and shoulders. "And why did she scratch my back as she--"

Tara shook her head slowly from side to side. "Liar," she whispered, her voice growing louder as she gained more confidence. "Liar. Those could be from anyone. Anyone," she stressed, leaning forward to sneer, "even him." She pointed to Wesley, but her face gave her away. Her own words were unbelievable to her as well as everyone else in the room.

"I'd like to go on record as saying they're not from me," Wesley said into the sudden quiet. Spike and Tara turned to look at him. He shrugged uncomfortably. "I'm just saying."

Anya, silent until now, sighed heavily. "This is neither here nor there. Can we just get back to this and maybe get out of here sometime... today?" She frowned. "Or is it night?"

Gunn agreed, grabbing Spike's arm and propelling him toward the seats. "Put your damn shirt back on and sit down."

Spike shrugged, pulling his shirt back on, covering the pale expanse of his chest and back lined with scratches and bite marks. Made by Willow? They all suspected it was now true, but they kept silent about it.

Tara sat on the far side of Spike, forcing Gunn to sit beside the vampire this time.


Amber Grove.

WESLEY: (laughs) Amber Grove? The names these people have. (shakes his head)

SPIKE: Yeah, their names are odd... Wesley Whyndam-Price.

WESLEY: (glares at Spike)

If you're not auditioning, move off the floor.

ANYA: (as Xander) Yeah, Amber! Dumb cheerleader. I prefer smarter, older women who used to be demons.

GUNN: (looks sideways at Anya) Why're you so bothered by him looking at other women? He's with you, isn't he?

ANYA: (smiles in realization) Yes, he is.

Willow - (to Amy)

Amy! Hi!

TARA: (as Amy) Squeak, squeak.


ANYA: Amy's a rat now.

GUNN: Oh. Why?

SPIKE: Not caring.

Amy - (comes over)

SPIKE: ...craps on their shoes and scurries back under the bleachers.


GUNN: I'm in perkiness overload.

Willow -

I didn't know you wanted to be a

ANYA: (as Willow) ...Streetwalker of America too! You've got some stiff competition with Buffy here. She's acing all of her classes.

cheerleader! You lost a lot of weight.

Amy -

Had to.

TARA: (as Amy) Sally Struthers kept stealing all my food.

Willow -

Do you know Buffy?

GUNN: (as Amy) Um, she's the stinky one, right?

Amy -


Buffy -


WESLEY: Such stimulating conversation.

Amy -

Oh, how I hate this, let me count the ways.

ANYA: (as Buffy) two... three...

TARA: (as Amy) I was being sarcastic, Buffy. You're stupid.

Amber begins her routine.

WESLEY: (as Amber) How funky is your chicken?

GUNN: (as other cheerleader) How funky is your chicken?

WESLEY: (as Amber) How loose is your goose?

GUNN: (as other cheerleader) My goose is totally loose.


It's very athletic. She starts off with a needle-

SPIKE: the eye, followed by a fist to the face.

split lift followed by a double

ANYA: ...mocha latte with a side order of biscotti.

spin and a jumping double spin. After landing, Amber launches herself

WESLEY: Buffy and thwacks her on the nose. (as Amber) Take that, Buffy's nose!

into an aerial and a cartwheel. Jazz slides are then followed by a single spin. Everyone in the gym is intent on watching

GUNN: ...Xander pick his nose, so they've missed the whole thing.


Amy - (to Buffy)

She trained with Benson. He's one of the

TARA: (as Amy) ...servants on 'Soap', and then later on, he had his own show, aptly named, 'Benson'... he knows nothing about cheerleading, but boy can she now make a mean souffle.

best coaches money can buy.

Buffy -

They have cheerleading coaches?

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...that you can pay money for? I've been sleeping with mine as payment.

Amy -

Oh, yeah!

SPIKE: (as Amy) ...I sleep with mine too. But that's just for fun.

Don't you have?

GUNN: (as Amy) ...a home to go to? Somewhere other than here, 'cause you're stinking the whole place up.

I train with my mom, three hours in the morning, three at night.

Buffy -

Hmm, that much quality time with my mom would probably lead to some quality matricide.

Amy -

Oh, I know it's hokey.

WESLEY: (as Giles) Did someone mention the Pokey Little Puppy? I love that little guy!

ANYA: (as Buffy) No, Giles!

GUNN: (as Willow) No, Giles!

TARA: (as Xander) No, Giles!

WESLEY: (as Giles) Okay, I guess I'll be going then...

ANYA: (as Buffy) Bye, Giles!

GUNN: (as Willow) Bye, Giles!

TARA: (as Xander) Bye, Giles!

But she's really great.

Cordelia turns her back to Amber with a look of contempt on her face.

WESLEY: (as Cordelia) I look down on those that are better than me. It's a thing.

Cordelia -


GUNN: (as Cordelia) ...I wonder what'll happen when they realize I switched the coffee to decaf. Tee hee, I'm so evil.

Buffy and Xander watch Amber in amazement. Amy and Willow are impressed, too. Amber's hands begin to smoke.

Buffy -

What the...?

ANYA: (as Buffy) ...that girl's prettier than me! I must stop her!

Willow -

That girl's

TARA: (as Willow) ...prettier than Buffy! She better hide!

on fire!

TARA: (as Willow) ...oh and that too.

Cordelia - (facing away, not seeing the smoke)

Enough of the hyperbole!

GUNN: (impressed) Cordy knows words.

WESLEY: Quite a few. Not all of them are fit for company though.

Amber's hands

GUNN: ...detach from her body and fly at Buffy.

WESLEY: (as hands) Die, Slayer!

TARA: (to Wesley) Hands can talk?

WESLEY: (deadpan) Sign language.

catch fire. She drops her pompoms and screams.

ANYA: (as Amber) Stupid hands, detaching like that! I'm trying to do something here!

Buffy reacts.

SPIKE: ...she blinks a few times and then leaves.

Amber flails

TARA: ...around, smacking Xander and Cordelia in the face, knocking them to the floor two feet below, leaving them unconscious.

her hands in the air. Buffy jumps

SPIKE: ...the first available man nearby, and commences having sex with him, right there in front of everyone.

up onto the stands and pulls down

SPIKE: ...her pants, mooning everyone.

ANYA: (as Buffy) Tee hee, I'm so cute!

a banner. She runs back to Amber, knocks her down and snuffs out

SPIKE: ...her life.

the flames with the banner. Everyone stares in shock.

WESLEY: (as student) ...Cordelia's right. That Buffy chick *is* a freak. She just jumped right up and insinuated herself right into Amber's routine. Did you see that?

GUNN: (as other student) I know! What an attention-grabbing freak.

Buffy - (trying to comfort Amber)

It's okay, it's okay, you're gonna be...

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...dead in a few minutes, but luckily I escaped harm. Whew!

okay. (to herself) God!

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...I almost died just then. Did anyone see that?

Opening credits roll.

GUNN: Credits? What credits?

ANYA: I told you. Powers That Be.

Buffy's theme plays.

SPIKE: She's got a theme? I want a theme!

The library. Buffy is pacing. Willow and Xander are sitting at the study table.

GUNN: ...going at it like bunnies.

ANYA: Hey! Keep the bunnies out of this.

GUNN: (laughs) Sorry.

Buffy -

I've been slaying vampires for more than a

WESLEY: (as Buffy) now. Can't I please quit? Someone else can take over for me. Willow?

TARA: (as Willow) Back away from me, Stinky-Girl.

year now, and I have seen some pretty cringe-worthy things, but... nobody's hands ever got

GUNN: (as Buffy) ...that close to touching my body. I want them killed, Giles.

SPIKE: (as Giles) Streetwalkers of America do occasionally get touched, Buffy. It's a hazard of the job.

toasted before.

Giles - (comes out of the cage)

WESLEY: It's *like* coming out of the closet, only not. He's declaring himself a werewolfexual.

GUNN: Right.

I imagine not.

Buffy -

So, this isn't a vampire problem.

WESLEY: (as Giles) No, I'm afraid it's worse than that.

TARA: (as Willow) Spontaneous Human Combustion?

SPIKE: (as Xander) Demons?

GUNN: (as Buffy) Werewolves?

ANYA: (as Willow) Succubuses?

WESLEY: (as Giles) Much worse. Clowns.


Giles -


WESLEY: No, what? He just randomly tells people no?

SPIKE: He's telling Buffy no about the vampires.

ANYA: (as Giles), it can't be. No, not... mimes.


Buffy - (turns to Giles)

But it

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...does involve me somehow, doesn't it? I mean, I have to be involved. This is me we're talking about.

is funky, right? Not of the norm?

TARA: (as Buffy) ...or of the Cliff? Maybe a little John?

WESLEY: (laughs) Little John... (sees everyone staring at him) Never mind.

Giles -

Quite. Spontaneous human combustion is, is rare, and, and

GUNN: (as Giles) ...quite neat. I like to roast marshmallows over the victims as they burn. It's fun.

TARA: (laughs) Willow does that sometimes.


scientifically unexplainable, but there have been cases for hundreds of years. Usually all that's left is a pile of ashes.

GUNN: (as Giles) ...and I have to vacuum for days to get them out of the carpet, but really, it's worth it. You haven't lived until you've tasted marshmallows roasted over a flaming human corpse.

WESLEY: (eyes him strangely)

GUNN: I think your issues are rubbing off on me.

Willow -

That's all that would have been left if it

ANYA: (as Willow) ...was up to Buffy. She sat there like a big ole lump on a log, filing her nails while the girl burned.

hadn't been for Buffy.

Xander -

So, we have no idea what caused this

SPIKE: (as Xander) ...mutation that Buffy went through? She's hideous and stinky, we must change her back.

ANYA: (as Buffy) Oh, silly, that's how I always look and smell. I love my chili!

That's a comfort.

ANYA: (laughs)

Giles -

But that's the thrill of living on the Hellmouth! (sits on the edge of the table)

TARA: (as Giles)'s not all Pokey Little Puppies and See Spot Run, you know. There are ugly girls and stinky girls... it's fantastic from a scientific standpoint.

There's a veritable cornucopia of, of fiends and devils and, and ghouls to engage.

WESLEY: (as Giles) ...I like to make them marry out of their species. It's fun watching them try to fit parts together.

(everyone looks at him) Pardon me for finding the glass half full.

WESLEY: (as Giles) It's my fun, so leave me to it.

Buffy -

Any common denominators in cases of spontaneous combustion?

SPIKE: (as Giles) Well, they've all met you, Buffy. Been around you. Talked to you. Looked at you. Hmm, I wonder?

Giles -

Uh, rage. In most cases the person who combusted was, was

terribly angry or, or upset.

SPIKE: Because they saw Buffy.

GUNN: Okay! Everybody stay calm. We don't want anyone bursting into flames suddenly.

SPIKE: Better not. I'm flammable, you know.

Xander -

So maybe Amber's got this power to make herself be on fire. It's like the human torch, only it hurts.

WESLEY: (as Giles) Sure, makes sense to me.

GUNN: (as Buffy) Absolutely.

SPIKE: (as Giles) He's brilliant!

TARA: (as Willow) Our work here is done!

ANYA: (grousing) Shut up.

Buffy -

I need to get the skinny on Amber.

GUNN: (as Xander, wisely) That's a new term, meaning 'to have sex'.

Find out if she's had any colorful episodes before. (starts to go)

SPIKE: (as Buffy) If I catch her with any crayons, she's so busted!

Willow -

That means hacking illegally into the school's computer system. At last, something *I* can do!

She and Xander get up and go over to Buffy.

SPIKE: ...where they proceed to slap and poke at her just for the fun of it.

Xander -

I'll ask around about her.

TARA: (as Xander) ...find out if she ever had any nasty rumors circulating about her. Maybe she wet the bed at one time.

Buffy -

You guys don't have to get involved.

Xander -

What d'ya mean? We're a team! Aren't we a team?

Willow -

Yeah! You're the Slayer, and we're, like, the Slayerettes!

Buffy -

I just don't like putting you guys in

ANYA: (as Buffy) limelight. You might steal my attention.


Xander -

Oh, huh, I laugh in the face of danger. Then I hide until it goes away.

SPIKE: A truer statement Xander's never made.

Buffy -

Okay, just walk softly,

ANYA: (as Buffy) I have a headache. And could you tell the principal to stop ringing the bell. And make the kids shut up. I hurt!

at least until we know a little more. I mean, what if Amber isn't causing these problems herself?

WESLEY: (gasps mockingly) You mean, it's possible Amber isn't purposely making herself catch on fire and getting third degree burns because it's fun?

SPIKE: (as Buffy) I wouldn't put it past her. She'd do anything to take attention away from me. She's jealous.

Giles -

Well, then we have to determine who or what did, and, uh, deal with it accordingly.

Cut to the kitchen at the Summers house. There are several wooden boxes and crates. Joyce is trying to pry one open with a crowbar. Buffy comes in.

Buffy -


ANYA: (as Joyce) What?! I wasn't doing anything!

Joyce -

Hi, how was

SPIKE: (as Joyce) ...your Streetwalkers of America class?

WESLEY: (as Buffy) It was great! I got to sleep with ten men this time!

SPIKE: (as Joyce) That's nice, honey.


Buffy -

Mm, a reverent joy. What's all this?

GUNN: (as Buffy) ...doing in my scene!

Joyce -

It's for the tribal art display.

Buffy -

Cool! (examines a piece)

WESLEY: (as Buffy) ...why does this look like Giles? And what's he doing to that horse?!

We had tryouts today.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...I got to try out five girls and one skanky old man.

Joyce -

Oh, great! How'd it go? (exhales)

Buffy -

I didn't actually get to try out. There was an accident.

ANYA: (as Buffy) of the girls fell off her man and sprained her butt.

Pretty fierce competition, though.

Joyce -

Oh, I know you'll do fine. Keep on pluggin', just have to get back on the horse.

TARA: (as Buffy) Oh, horses aren't until next month. This week is sheep!

Buffy -


Joyce -


GUNN: (as Buffy) Why do I smell so much? All the other kids make fun of me. Can I help it if I have chronic halitosis and like chili a lot?

Buffy -

What was I trying out for?

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...duh. I forget things. Where am I? Who are you?

Joyce -

Oh, uh... (stops prying at the crate and looks at Buffy) Some activity?

SPIKE: (as Joyce) ...old man riding maybe?

I have no idea, I'm sorry.

Buffy -

That's okay. Your platitudes are good for all occasions.

WESLEY: (as Buffy) ...especially last year, when I got dumped by the principal and you said that was all right and that it happens to all girls. I felt lots better then.

Joyce - (exhales)

I'm distracted. (starts prying again and exhales) Got a lotta inventory to go through here. (exhales) This is my Gallery's first major

TARA: (as Joyce) We've never had a box before.

show. (exhales and gives up) You know, it might not physically kill you to give me a hand here. (goes to check her clipboard)

SPIKE: (as Joyce) ...oh wait, it says here that it will kill you. Oh well, give it a good try anyhow.

Buffy grabs the lid of the crate and effortlessly tears it off.

Buffy -

It was cheerleading.

Joyce -

Oh good! I'm glad you're taking that up again, it'll keep you out of trouble.

Buffy -

I'm not *in* trouble.

ANYA: (as Buffy) ...I was only pregnant those three times! It's not like I'm always pregnant.

Joyce -

No, not yet.

GUNN: (as Joyce) ...but we all know you can't stay away from men. It's all right, every girl needs a little sumpin-sumpin.

Buffy is hurt. Her mother looks up from her clipboard and notices.

SPIKE: (as Joyce) Oh, Buffy, I wish you'd stop playing with those steak knives. You're always cutting your fingers off. Get the sewing needle. What color thread do you want this time?

Joyce -

I mean, you stopped cheerleading just before the trouble, so it's good you're going back.

She goes back to the crate and partially lifts out a statue.

Joyce -

Oh, dear.

WESLEY: (as Joyce) *does* look just like Mr. Giles... and what *is* he doing to that horse?

Buffy -


Joyce -

The fertility statue, you don't need to see it.

TARA: (as Buffy) But, Mom! I'm in Streetwalkers of America now, I'm not a little girl anymore! I never get to see penises! All the other moms let *their* kids see penises, why won't you let me?

She replaces the crate's lid and goes back to her clipboard.

Buffy -

Y'know, there's this girl, Amy, and, um, she trains with her mom, like, three hours a day.

GUNN: (as Buffy) ...I was all, whoa, you must *like* your mom. And she was all, 'uh-huh!', and I was all, 'cool', and she was all...

Joyce -


GUNN: ...and I was all...

Buffy -

Sounds like her mom's pretty into it.

GUNN: ...and then she was all...

Joyce -

Sounds like her mom doesn't have a lot to do.

She walks out of the kitchen with a piece of art.

ANYA: (as Joyce) I'm leaving. You bore me. And I'm taking my art with me.

Buffy lifts the crate's lid a little bit and looks in.

Buffy -


SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...I am *so* gonna date Giles!

Cut to the gym the next day. Tryouts have resumed.

Joy - (pacing)

Despite the terrible thing that happened yesterday

TARA: (as Joy) ...that thing? Remember? That happened yesterday? It was yesterday that it happened. That thing...

we still have to pick new cheerleaders.

GUNN: Mm, fresh cheerleaders straight off the vine.

WESLEY: (sighs happily)

SPIKE: They taste the best. All athletic-y and strong.

ANYA: I'm supposed to be the sex-crazed one.

WESLEY: We're, uh, just picking up the slack.

SPIKE: Who says I was talking about sex?

If you make the team you'll find your names posted in the quad after lunch. Let's begin with group performance.

Amy - (to Buffy)

Why do my hands have to sweat when I get nervous?

TARA: (as Buffy) Yours sweat only when you're nervous? Mine are always sweaty. Is that weird?

GUNN: (as Amy) Freak!

Buffy - (to Amy)

Don't worry. You'll do great.

Joy - (loudly)

Five, six, seven, eight!

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Nine, ten, eleven, twelve. Ooo! Did you hear that? I counted! I just learned that yesterday. Everyone! Listen, I can count!

All -

Sunnydale! Sunnydale! We never fail! We never fail! Jump and Shoot! Swish and score! The other team is such a bore! Yeah!

ANYA: (wide-eyed) Good God. That was the worst cheer ever.

SPIKE: (still watching the girls) They cheered?

WESLEY: I didn't hear anything.

GUNN: Huh?

TARA: Oo. Xander's right. They're stretchy.

Amy blows

SPIKE: ...the first available man before Buffy can get to him.

WESLEY: (as Amy) Ha! I win!

GUNN: (as Buffy) Drat!

the cartwheel and crashes into Cordelia. Cordelia yelps as she falls and then quickly gets up.

WESLEY: (as Cordelia) I didn't do that! It wasn't my fault!

Cordelia -

You saw that, right? That wasn't me!

WESLEY/GUNN: (burst out laughing)

You saw that, right? (looks at Amy and back again) Right?

WESLEY: (still laughing) I was kidding.

Cut to the halls. Amy is admiring the trophies in the case with a longing look.

SPIKE: (as Amy) Oh, the things I could do with those trophies... that one's all long and--

ANYA: (smacks Spike's arm) Stop it.

Buffy comes up next to her. Amy notices her, smiles and points

TARA: (as Amy) Shiny!

to a picture in the case.

Amy -

That's my mom!

ANYA: (as Buffy) She's short.

GUNN: (as Amy) Stupid! That's just a picture. It's not my real mom!

Buffy -


GUNN: (as Amy) Yeah! Really!

WESLEY: (as Buffy) No!

GUNN: (as Amy) Yeah! Really!

WESLEY: (as Buffy) No!

SPIKE: That's bloody well enough, isn't it?

GUNN: Yes, sir, Mr. British guy, sir!

(reads the inscription) Catherine Madison. Get down

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...the homecoming queen has got a gun!

GUNN: That's not funny.

WESLEY: Really not funny.

TARA: That was horrible.

ANYA: What? I don't get it.

SPIKE: (shrugs) I don't either.

with your bad self!

Amy -

Her nickname was

WESLEY: (as Amy) ...Peter the Trampoliner, 'cause of how she used the trampoline to get on top of the pyramid? She was all out of shape and smoked and drank so she couldn't do it without the help of a trampoline, but-- she was cool. I totally envy her. You should too!

ANYA: (as Buffy) No, that's okay.

'Catherine the Great'. She took that team and made

GUNN: (as Amy) ...out with each and every member of it. You should envy her.

ANYA: (as Buffy) No, really. That's okay.

them tri-county champions. Y'know, no one's ever done that before, or since. She and my dad were Homecoming King and Queen. They got married right after graduation.

Buffy -

That's kinda romantic.

TARA: (as Amy) Not really, 'cause they divorced a month later. But still.

Amy -

Well, he was a big loser. Never made any money.

SPIKE: (as Amy) ...on the streets. That's why mom had to take over his streetwalking duties. You should envy her.

ANYA: (as Buffy) No! Really! That's okay!

Ran off with Miss Trailer Trash when I was twelve.

Buffy -

Okay, that part's less romantic. My folks split up, too.

SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...yeah, they were amoeba, ya know, and they just split one day. It was all tragic and stuff. I'm traumatized. Do you pity me? You should, 'cause I do.

Amy -


GUNN: (as Amy) ...your butt across the floor like a dog with worms. Do it now!

huh? Uh, he left my mom with nothing. She put herself through cosmetology school. (smiles)

TARA: (as Amy) ...she makes me smile when I tell people that. I don't really want to do it, but she says I have to or she'll beat me. She's so totally cool. You should envy--

ANYA: (as Buffy, loudly) Oh darn... Amy's a vampire! I have to stake her! Before she kills others! It is my sacred duty!

Bought me everything I ever wanted. (shakes her head)

WESLEY: (as Amy) Except the pony. And the puppy I begged for. A kitten would've been nice. Something to relieve the awful imprisonment of my childhood, but... other than that, she was wonderful!

And never once gained a single pound.

Buffy - (walks around to face Amy)

Uh, she sounds really

TARA: (as Buffy) ...awful. I mean great. Really great! Really.

great, Amy, but, um... it doesn't mean that you need to lock step as far as this cheerleading thing.

ANYA: (as Buffy) All right! Who turned off the escalator and locked me on here?! Now I'll never get home... (in a tiny voice) someone help me. It's dark, and I'm all alone. Help.

Amy -

She was the best! And I can't get my body to *move* like hers! I choked in there so bad!

Buffy -

No, Amy, you did fine.

GUNN: (as Buffy) ...for someone who isn't acrobatic, and can't dance, or you know, do things that are needed to be a cheerleader. But other than that, you did just fine! Yeah.

Amy - (dejected)

I'm gonna get changed.

Buffy -

Wait! No...

SPIKE: Is there a bomb in the locker room?

WESLEY: Maybe a gunman waiting?

GUNN: Poison gas?

TARA: Demons waiting to tear her limb from limb?

ANYA: Or... (whispering) bunnies!

Willow - (walking by)

Hey, Amy! (comes over to Buffy) Is she okay?

GUNN: (as Buffy) She's more than okay! She's hot!

Buffy -

No, she's, she's wiggin' about her mom, big cheer queen back when.

Willow -

Yeah, her mom's kinda...

WESLEY: (as Willow) you.

Buffy -

...Nazi like?

WESLEY: (as Willow) Exactly! Like I said, just like you.

Willow -

Heil. If she gains an ounce she padlocks the fridge and won't eat anything but broth.

Buffy -

So, mommy dearest is really... Mommy Dearest?

TARA: (as Joan Crawford) Wire hangers?! You used *wire* hangers to hang your cheerleading outfit?!

Willow -

There's a bitter streak.

SPIKE: (as Willow) ...and also one that's sort of tart. You're probably familiar with that one, aren't you, Buffy?

But Amy's nice. We used to hang

ANYA: (as Buffy) ...people in our basements. It was fun!

in Junior High. When her mom would go on a broth kick, Amy'd come over to my house and we'd stuff ourselves with

GUNN: (as Willow) ...batting and pretend we were pillows. It was fun!


They start down the hall.

SPIKE: ...then stop, deciding to skip along the ceiling instead.

Buffy -

Hey, any word on Amber?

TARA: (as Willow) Shh! If people know we're scoring on the amber front they'll tell the fuzz on us, man.

Willow -

Nothing thrilling. Average student. Got detention once, for smoking.

ANYA: (as Willow) ...Parsley, Sage, Rosemary and Thyme. It's an herb-thing.

Regular smoking... with a cigarette, not, like, being smoky.

TARA: (as Willow) ...the Bear.

Buffy -


SPIKE: (as Buffy) ...I see your mouth moving, and hear sounds, but I was sure now was 'me-time'!

Willow -

All pretty normal.

GUNN: (as Willow) Except that whole incident where she once dressed up in big, baggy pants and tried to do a dance for the janitor, exclaiming it was, 'Hammer Time!'.

Buffy -

So we just have to wait and we'll see what happens. Maybe nothing will.

Cut to the girls' locker room.

SPIKE: (claps his hands in anticipation) Alright!

GUNN: I'm saying.


TARA: You guys are ridiculous.

ANYA: (to Tara) Oh, like you're not right there with them.

The camera shows the showers dripping. Cut to a row of lockers. The camera follows them around a corner to Amy alone at her locker. She hears a noise and turns to look. Nothing. The showers keep dripping. Amy closes her

WESLEY: ...eyes, knowing that if she can't see whatever's out there, then whatever's out there can't see her.

locker and starts to go,

SPIKE: ...insane. She grabs a butcher knife and decides to heed the voices in her head telling her to kill Buffy.

but is surprised by Cordelia.

Cordelia -

I have a dream.

GUNN: (as Cordelia) ...I have a dream that one day all people will be united in their fight against bad cheerleaders and people who are less pretty than me.

It's me on the cheerleading squad, adored by every varsity male as far as the eye can see! We have to achieve our dreams, Amy. Otherwise we...

SPIKE: (as Cordelia) ...end up like Buffy.

wither and die!

Amy -

Look, I'm sorry about...

Cordelia - (cuts Amy off)


TARA: (as Cordelia) ...shut up and kiss me, you fool! I can't stay mad at you.

If your supreme klutziness out there today takes me out of the running, you're gonna be so *very* beyond sorry! (smiles) Have a nice day.

WESLEY: Ah, well at least she's nice after threatening people.

GUNN: A little pleasantness can go a long way.

Cordelia turns and leaves. She throws her scrunchie into an open locker and slams the door as she rounds the corner, but it doesn't stay shut. Amy leans against her locker, apparently shaken.

ANYA: ...but not stirred.

TARA: It's Shake 'N Bake, and I helped!

Cut outside. Willow and Xander are walking along the colonnade.

Willow -

I told Buffy about Amber.

WESLEY: Tsk. Tattletale.

Xander -

Cool! Was she wearin' it? The bracelet, she was wearin' it, right? Pretty much like we're goin' out.

ALL: (laugh)

ANYA: My poor, delusional Xander.

Willow -

Except without the hugging or kissing or her knowing about it.

TARA: (to Spike) Yeah, kinda like Spike's relationship with Willow.

OTHERS: (look at Spike)

SPIKE: (raises an eyebrow at her) She has a mole on her upper thigh, just on the outside of her right leg. And a smattering of freckles on her lower back.

OTHERS: (look at Tara)

TARA: (looks away, wide-eyed)

Xander -

So I'm just a figure of fun. (exhales) I should ask her out, right?

WESLEY: (as Willow) Well, sure, if you like being shot down, I say go for it! You know Buffy is only interested in skanky older men that can further her career in the Streetwalkers of America club!

GUNN: (as Xander) Oh yeah! I forgot.

Willow -

You won't know till you ask.

ANYA: (as Willow) ... I'm sure Giles will lend you the Pokey Little Puppy. He's totally share-guy!

Xander -

That's why you're so cool!

TARA: (as Willow) 'Cause I know about shareable people?

You're like a guy!

SPIKE: (snorts) Yeah, not bloody likely.

You're my guy friend that knows about girl stuff!

GUNN: Xander's not the sharpest point on the fence, is he?

SPIKE: You said it, mate.

Willow -

Oh, great. I'm a guy.

TARA: Sometimes... (sees the others looking at her) Um, look! (points at the screen) Xander's doing stuff!

Xander -

Oh, hey, they're posting the list!

WESLEY: (as Xander) ...for the Streetwalkers! I hope Buffy made it. Maybe then I'll have a chance with her.

He runs

GUNN: ...around in circles, unable to figure out why he's not getting any closer to the list.

off to check the list of names for the

SPIKE: ...Streetwalkers of America...

cheerleading squad. Cut to the crowd in front of the bulletin board. Buffy and Amy are at the back. A girl rushes away in tears because her name is not on the list.

SPIKE: Aw, poor little thing didn't make it into the Streetwalkers. Now she'll never learn how to be a proper slut.

Amy -

I can't take this.

ANYA: (as Amy) ...anymore. Buffy, for the love of God, will you stop eating chili?!

Joy steps away from posting the list on the bulletin board. Lishanne sees her name on the list.

TARA: (as Lishanne) I see my name on the list. (beat) What does it mean that my name is on the list?

Lishanne -


GUNN: (as Lishanne) ...Streetwalkers of America, thank you! I'll be the best damn slut I can be.

Xander comes

SPIKE: That was quick. I feel very sorry for you, Anya.

ANYA: Shut up.

up behind Buffy and Amy.

Xander -

Cover me,

WESLEY: (as Xander) green slime and call me Jello!

I'm goin' in.

SPIKE: (as Xander) ...that's right. I've decided to join the Streetwalkers of America too. I want to be the best slut I can be.

He pushes

GUNN: ...Buffy away from him and sashays up to the list to sign up.

his way through the crowd and looks at the list. Cordelia comes

SPIKE: Ah! That's why those two dated. Poor things, they're so easy.

ANYA: Shut up.

out of the crowd.

Cordelia - (to Amy)

You're lucky!

TARA: (as Amy) Huh? Actually, not so much. I'm a rat now, you know... but thanks!

Amy -

I made it?

ALL: Yay, Amy!

Cordelia -

*I* made it!

ANYA: Aww, poor Amy!

TARA: But yay, Cordelia!

Xander comes back out of the crowd and gets hit on the way.

WESLEY: a passing meteor.

SPIKE: (as Xander) Ow.

Xander -

One of those girls hit me really hard!

GUNN: Sissy!

WESLEY: Ponce!

SPIKE: Pansy!

TARA: Baby!

ANYA: ...suck it up, Harris!

You should test for steroids. Okay, not only did you make the team, but you, Miss Summers, are the first alternate, and Amy's number three.

ALL: (stunned)

SPIKE: ...she didn't make it in? I thought for sure she'd be slut number 1.

ANYA: Me too.

TARA: (confused) What happened? How'd she screw it up? She was a shoo-in!

Amy looks at Buffy, badly disappointed, and leaves.

WESLEY: (as Amy) You disappoint me, Buffy. I'm leaving!

Xander -

And what a better way to celebrate than with a romantic drive through...

GUNN: (as Xander) ...the streets you'll be walking this summer as the new--drum roll please!--Streetwalker of America! Yay, you, Miss Summers!

Willow -

Xander, alternates are the ones who didn't make the team, they only fill in if something happens to the ones who did.

SPIKE: (as Xander) Oh. Well let's go kill them all then, so Buffy can achieve her goals. Cordelia says we all need goals.

Buffy -

Excuse me. (goes to console Amy)

TARA: (as Buffy) ...I'm going to go find better friends. You're probably why I didn't get in. Bye!

Xander - (downtroden)


For I am Xander, King of

WESLEY: (as Xander) ...idiots.

Cretins. May all lesser

WESLEY: (as Xander) ...idiots...

cretins bow before me.

Buffy - (catches up with Amy)

ANYA: (as Buffy) Whew! (pants) I finally caught you... (pants) whew! I had to run like, a whole two yards, and (breathes heavily) ...whew! I barely made it. (beat) Oh, heck! What did I want you for? Silly, me!

At least it's over. And you know what I think we should do about it?

SPIKE: Kill everyone?

ANYA: Take revenge?

GUNN: Beat someone up?

WESLEY: Pout and whine?

TARA: Cry like a baby?

Brownie pig-out, my house, after school.

ALL: Ohhhh.

Amy -

It's just how many more hours a day can I practice? Y'know, how much more can I do? This would never happen to my mother. Never.

She walks off. Buffy stares after her.

WESLEY: (as Buffy) Stupid cow. I totally hate her!

Cut to Amy's house. The camera closes in on the brickwork outside of the attic.

SPIKE: It's... (gasps dramatically) evil brickwork!

Cut inside the attic.

SPIKE: It's... (gasps dramatically) an evil attic!

The camera pans from the wall across a bunch of tagged personal items that she's taken from people. Cut to the cauldron.

SPIKE: It's... (gasps dramatically) an evil cauldron!

Amy stirs the pot.

TARA: (as Amy) Black.

OTHERS: (stare at her)

TARA: ...calling the kettle... *ahem*


Amy -

Give me the power.

GUNN: (as Amy) ...of Grayskull! I have the power!

TARA: (giggles) He-Man!

Give me the dark.

GUNN: (sniffs importantly) She wants me.

SPIKE: (sniffs importantly) She wants me.

OTHERS: (roll their eyes)

She goes to get another doll from her rack.

Amy -

I call on you, the laughing gods.

ANYA: (giggles madly) Yes, Amy, what do you want? (laughs uproariously)

She yanks one of the dolls

SPIKE: Told you before, yanking dolls is all well and good for a while, but for true fun and pleasure, a living-- well, undead, living, whatever, is much... uh, more... (sees the others staring at him) satisfying.

GUNN: You know, the sexual exploits of vampires is not something I ever wanted to know about. Could you shut up, man?

WESLEY: I second that.

TARA: Third.

ANYA: I'd like to hear more.

SPIKE: (opens his mouth, then snaps it shut) Later.

off of the rack.

WESLEY: Ew! Amy totally buys off the rack. How... droll.

Amy -

Let your blackness crawl beneath my skin.

SPIKE: I've seen that happen. Not a pretty picture.

She wraps Cordelia's scrunchie around the doll's head.

ANYA: Aw! It's a cute little headband for Barbie!

Amy -

Accept thy sacrifice... of

WESLEY: (as Amy) (laughs evilly) ...Cordelia's scrunchie! For I am evil personified! Muwahahahahahaha!

Cordelia. Feed on her.

SPIKE: Don't tempt me. She's a tasty-looking treat.

She drops the doll into the brew.

GUNN: (as Amy) Oh, damn! I dropped my dolly!