"Melog, Melog, on the wall…"
Sea Hawk and Mermista are babysitting the children of Bright Moon and Sea Hawk tells them a special personalized version of the classic fairy tale featuring their parents in the starring roles.
Just… a completely ridiculous thing I felt like writing!
For the Glimbow Week Prompt: Fairy tale Retelling
Settle down now, children of Bright Moon! Settle down and listen to your dear Uncle Sea Hawk with a bedtime story for the AGES! That's it, get yourself all tucked in there and NOW, prepare to be amazed by this tale of romance, magic and, oh yes, ADVENTURE!
Once upon a time, in a fairy tale kingdom— a bit like this one actually, but with less swords— there was a very nice young man who went by the name Bow White. He was called Bow White because he had really great teeth and a very charming smile. Bow White was happy and nice to everyone he met which was particularly impressive as he was raised by the Evil Horde.
Ah, yes! Good booing! Evil Horde, very bad. You're an excellent audience! Now, where was I...
So even though he was in the Horde, Bow White was still friendly and kind to everyone he met. No matter how many messed up things went on over there— like creepy old women in masks with floating hair and angry bat boys making freaky winged clone babies of themselves— Bow White was always cheerful and made lots of friends. And that made Evil Horde Queen Catra mad because she was a mean, nasty person who doesn't even like shanties, even when they are sung in so fine a voice as mine and in the comfort of my own guest room, thank you very much!
So this Evil Queen would always give Bow White the worst jobs like scrubbing off the murder bots and disposing of the failed clones and washing Kyle's underwear. But no matter how many horrible tasks she gave him, Bow White was still infuriatingly cheerful.
Then one day the Horde captured a small sparkly princess and she became friends with the nice young man. And when the princess escaped, the Evil Queen suspected Bow White at once. Gulls, was she mad! Not just because Bow White was beloved by everyone and much nicer to be around and never sharpened his claws in the nice polished wood of someone's boat but ALSO because the Evil Queen had a weird amount of romantic tension with the sparkle princess and now she was gone!
(Well, I don't see how she can get mad at me for that, it's true! Besides, she doesn't know I said it. Well, why would you do that? Look, I'm trying to tell this story, darling, can we discuss this later? Where was I... ah!)
"Melog Melog, on the wall, who is the nicest of them all?" The Evil Queen asked her weird alien cat thing which we're pretending is on the wall for the purposes of this bit and it didn't respond because I don't actually think that thing can talk but it did kind of look at her with a very judgmental look that could only mean one thing. "Bow White is the nicest of them all? NEVER!"
The Queen flew into a rage. As in, more of a rage than her usual base level rage. She called for her most trusted friend, Force Captain Adora.
"Take Bow White to the foundry and have him turned into ration bars! And to prove that you have done this for me, bring me back his heart!" She shrieked, meaning of course the heart Bow White always wore on the bottom half of his uniform shirt.
Well, the Force Captain was good friends with Bow White but also had a weird amount of romantic tension with the Evil Queen so she didn't know what to do. If she did not do what the Evil Queen asked, she'd turn HER into ration bars! So she led poor innocent Bow White into the woods, promising him they were looking for some First Ones Tech. Then, when they reached the darkest part of the forest, she raised her knife and... sliced off the bottom of his shirt!
"What the heck, Adora?" Bow White said, looking at his shirt which now exposed his naval.
"The Evil Queen sent me out here to kill you! And anyway your shirt actually looks better this way. Shows off your abs. You should dress like this from now on."
Bow White considered this and had to admit that the crop top was indeed a bold fashion choice that he should embrace going forward. "But what about you?"
"I'll take this back to the Evil Queen and tell her that I killed you!"
"But you can't act to save your life, let alone my life!"
"I know," said Adora solemnly. "Which is why you need to run far, far away from here."
Bow White hugged his old friend and then run off into the cold, dark Whispering Woods. He was all alone and it was as if the woods itself was whispering about him. Which, honestly, it probably was! It's a very freaky place, don't much like it myself, prefer the open sea. What would have become of poor Bow White no one knows had he not by chance happened upon a cottage in the woods.
Inside the cottage was the evidence that a whole bunch of ladies lived there, princesses by the look of their stuff, which was all over the place. Tiaras hanging off the light fixtures, a bra on the kitchen table, make-up all over the bathroom counter. One of them had even left her trident right in the middle of the floor again where anyone could trip on it even though the umbrella holder was right there. Right there!
Bow White, who didn't like any kind of untidiness, started to pick up immediately, hanging up clothes and stuffing underthings back into drawers. By the time he'd cleaned his way to the bedroom, he was so tired from his long night of running through the woods that he collapsed onto the first bed he saw, which smelled vaguely of flowers, and fell immediately asleep.
It was some time later when he awoke and realized he was being watched. He opened his eyes and yelled so loud his voice cracked when he saw that his bed was surrounded by seven princesses! A quick glance around the room at the other beds told him their names: Netty, Windy, Planty, Sparky, Icy, Nerdy and, the loveliest of all... Grumpy.
(I'm sorry, darling, but the conventions of the story dictate- I did say you were the loveliest! Yes, but- What would you have me make you, Wetty? Watery? Fishy? Exactly, that's what I thought. Now, may I continue? Let's see here...)
Once Bow White explained his predicament, he begged the princesses to let him stay here to hide from the Evil Queen. He could help them out by cleaning up after them and fixing their computers! The princesses, who thought Bow White seemed very polite and respectful and all hated picking up after themselves, agreed at once. They had a big party with dancing to welcome him and, as the weeks passed, they all became very good friends and everyone was happy.
Back in the Evil Horde, Force Captain Adora brought the heart from Bow White's shirt back to the Evil Queen.
"Here IS the heart of THEE young mAn you wanTED me TO kill, your HIGHness," she said, bowing low.
"What? Why are you talking like that? What is wrong with you right now?" The Queen gave Adora a suspicious look. "Did you really kill him or not?"
"I, uh, swear, on the hoNOR of greySKULL, I turNED him inTO a raTION bar, your maJESty-"
"You are the worst actress." The Evil Queen growled. "Melog Melog, on the wall, did she really kill Bow White or what?" And the weird cat thing still didn't say anything but yawned and then curled up and fell asleep. "ARGH! I have to do everything myself!"
The Evil Queen went down into her magic lair and considered turning into something truly hideous, like a four eyed white guy with dreads, but decided instead on something even more devious…
A POISONED ARROW!
The Queen cackled. "When I shoot Bow White in the heart with this poisoned arrow, he will die!"
"Yeah, that's... how arrows work?" Adora said.
"No, you dummy! It's the latest Horde weapon! Once he is hit with this arrow, he will fall into a death-like sleep forever unless he is woken by true love's kiss!" Catra cackled, her tail switching triumphantly. And even though Adora thought that seemed a lot more complicated than just shooting him in the heart with a regular arrow, she went along with it because of the romantic tension I mentioned earlier.
THE PLOT THICKENS!
Back in the cottage in the forest, the princesses arrived home after another long day of fighting the Horde and Bow White asked them again if there was any sign of his friend, the sparkle princess, he'd known so long ago. But, alas, the news was the same as every other day that he had asked. His friends knew of no such princess. In fact, as far as they knew, they were no other princesses in this world but them… except for the bumble bee one and the peacock guy and the butterfly girl who may or may not have ever existed in the first place all of which nobody liked to talk about.
Poor Bow White despaired of ever seeing his friend again. Feeling sad, he went for a walk in the woods and that is when the poisoned arrow hit him right in the heart! See, these days he cropped all his shirts to show off his abs and so he'd moved the heart on his shirt to right over his real heart which was actually a terrible idea because it made for a pretty handy target. He was about to bite into an apple he'd picked from a nearby tree when the arrow hit him right in the heart and, as he fell, the apple rolled out of his hand, just for the drama of it.
When the princesses finally found Bow White later that day, they thought he was DEAD! Icy made him a coffin of ice so they could still see his abs— which you had to appreciate were quite toned, even if guys weren't really your thing— and Planty covered it with flowers and all the princesses cried, even Grumpy, who tried to pretend it was "like, allergies, or whatever." And as days turned to weeks the seven princesses all swore they would never forget the nice young man from the forest, especially every time they had to pick up their own laundry.
Then, ONE DAY, a mysterious woman teleported nearby looking for an alliance of princesses she'd heard of in these woods. She immediately noticed the coffin in the clearing, overgrown with flower vines. The ice had long since melted but Bow White still lay there looking exactly as he had the day he'd fallen into the poisoned sleep. And when she was done appreciating his abs and his biceps— which really weren't bad either— she looked up at his face and thought he did look awfully like her friend who had helped her escape from the Horde all that time ago. And then she was filled with such sadness to know that he was DEAD and she would never be able to laugh and joke with him again.
And even though it is, of course, very creepy to kiss someone without their consent and especially when they are dead, she's got to so the story can finish up. So she leaned down and kissed him goodbye right on the lips. And it was, of course, True Love's First Kiss and he opened his eyes and she shrieked because she thought he was a zombie and tried to blast him with pink sparkle magic and he screamed and fell off the coffin and had to explain and things were actually quite tense but also hilarious between the two of them for a minute there until they'd sorted it all out. And then they hugged and cheered to be reunited and all this noise brought the seven princesses running and they all had a joyous reunion with their friend Bow White.
Then everyone was very curious to meet this mysterious princess that Bow White had been looking for for so long. But, it turned out, they hadn't been able to find her because she was not a princess at all! She was a queen now because of some nonsense with a portal we won't get into. So they all joined together and managed to overthrow the Horde and Evil Queen Catra came over to their side because, really, all she needed all along to fix her bad attitude was to make out with Adora so once she did that everyone was friends.
And then Netty married Windy and Planty married Sparky and Nerdy hooked up with the bat clone guy— which was very awkward for everyone— and Grumpy found herself a very sexy pirate who didn't even mind that she was grumpy (Sometimes, darling, you are a little, yes. But I love you for it!) and Icy was too young to marry anyone but she was welcome at everyone's houses for ice cream whenever she wanted, which was a pretty good deal. And, of course, Bow White had his true love the Sparkly Queen and Adora had her angry cat girl and they all lived happily ever after.
Now, let's all get snuggled down in there and let me just switch off the light.. there. I expect you little sailors to get right to sleep as soon as I leave this room and, if you're good, the next time Uncle Sea Hawk comes to visit, I will tell you an even better story, like the one about the long haired princess with the laboratory at the top of a tall tower or the one about the scorpion woman and the magic beanstalk or the ice princess who was like "No, I won't join your princess alliance, why can't you just LET IT GO!" or, the very best one of all, the one about the mermaid who made a deal with a terrible Sea Witch for the love of a sexy pirate.
No, she does NOT regret it, why would you say that, darling? Mermista? She loves me, I promise you she does, kids, she just has a strange way of- Darling? Uh... I better go. Go right to sleep, OK? Goodnight!