Some explanation from the "author": this was supposed to be a joke, but unfortunately it's the best thing I've ever written. I'm not a writer. I'm actively bad at writing, in fact. I didn't even like Moonlighting. This isn't even properly finished, because again, it was a joke. I hope if you're reading this, that you enjoy it nevertheless. Ironically or otherwise. (I've also never used this site before so I'm sorry if the formatting is fucked up. I am confused.)


"Bert!" David rushed to the side of his junior detective, immedately taking off his coat and pressing it to his wound. "Oh fuck! You idiot, I told you to stay at the office!"

"I-I know," Bert choked. "I'm sorry, s...sir. I know you wanted me to stay behind, but you said it was gonna be dangerous, and i didn't want you to go alone, i-in case something happened, so... so i-"

"God, Bert, just..." David took a deep breath. "Look, it's alright. I understand. Just stop talking now, okay? You need to save your energy."

"Y-yes, sir..."

Bert started to go limp in David's arms, his vision growing blurry and his head tipping back as his consciousness started to fall away.

"Whoa! No no no, Bert," David said urgently, shaking Bert gently in an attempt to get him to wake up a bit more. "Don't do that, come on, you're tougher than that, aren't you?"

"Nnh... n... no...?" Bert sluggishly responded, trying his best to focus on David.

"Goddammit, don't give me that!" David could feel the blood soaking through his coat now, and Bert got weaker and weaker by the second. "No, Bert, stay with me! that's an order!"

and then Bert passed the fuck out or whatever


Bert woke up to the sound of someone knocking on the door of his hospital room. He groaned and shifted in bed, wincing at the sharp pain in his side.

Another knock.

"Come in," Bert called, still half asleep, but sitting up now.

The door opened and in stepped David. He was wearing a tailored suit like he would to work, and holding a large bouquet of flowers. Bert couldn't help but feel a twinge of guilt upon seeing him, and he immediately looked back down at his hands in his lap, instead of at David.

"Hey, Bert," David greeted nonchalantly, sitting down in one of the chairs beside Bert's bed.

"H-hello, sir."

"Aw, come on, I told you to call me David outside of work."

Bert's gaze didn't leave his hands. His face was solemn. "Sorry."

David studied the smaller man for a moment. "Nah. S'okay, don't worry about it," he said, patting Bert on the shoulder. "So... how're you feelin'?"

"Well," Bert said, his tone genuinely thoughtful, "better. Considering how I just faced the horrifying concept of my own mortality head on, I'm... I'm just glad I'm still here, I suppose."

"Yeah... me too, Bert."

The two fell into awkward silence. David could tell Bert had something on his mind; that was his job, after all, though Bert was rarely difficult to read anyway. He chewed his lip, mulling over what his best options were to gently approach someone who had just been nearly shot to death and convince them to open up about their, no doubt, deep and dark emotions.

"Hey, why the long face?" He settled on asking, unintentionally loud, while slapping his hand down on Bert's shoulder once again (Bert jumped at this, but David didn't notice). "You should be happy you didn't bite the big one, right?"

"I- yes, I mean... I am," Bert stuttered, still avoiding eye contact. "I guess I just... I feel guilty."

"Guilty? How come?"

"Well, I disobeyed your direct orders, put the case in jeapordy, put you through unnecessary stress... I wanted to help, but in the end, all i could do was bleed out on the ground while the bad guy got away because you were too busy worrying about me. I did everything wrong." He took a deep breath, the anxiety he'd been feeling since David set foot in the room coming to a head. "Look, Mr. Addison, if... if you want to fire me, I understand. It was really a dream getting to work for-"

"Is that it?" David let out a chuckle and sat back in his chair. "Bert, I'm not gonna fire you."

"What?" Bert looked at David for the first time since he had arrived. "But... you mean... that's not what you came here to do?"

"Wh-? No, I came here to see you. You thought I'd show up here just to give you the boot and leave? Jesus, i'm not that heartless."

"Oh, I-I didn't mean that. I know you're not. But I don't understand... Why would you want to keep me around after that?"

"You kiddin'? You saved my life, kid. Look, I get why you feel like you fucked up. But this situation isn't really that simple. You disobeyed orders so you could help your coworker who you felt would be in a lot of trouble without you there, and as it turns out, you were right! I would've been a gonner without you. What you did was stupid, but it was brave. I'm proud of you." David gently punched Bert on the arm and smiled. "Now never do that again."

Bert's face lit up. David Addison was proud of him? He couldn't stop the bewildered smile from spreading across his face. "Y-yes sir! I, um. Thank you. For everything."

"Don't mention it." David looked at the watch on his wrist and sighed. "Well, my lunch break's over. Here." He handed Bert the large bouquet as he stood to leave. "These are for you. You better heal up quick, Bert. The girls miss you."

David ruffled Bert's curly black hair and left. Bert sat in silence, staring down at the flowers that the man he'd looked up to for months had given him. He felt like he was getting better already.