(C) 2003 by hyperdrive
Of course, I do not have any claim to ownership of the characters from Chrono Trigger.
While this is no bad effort, the sheer number of euphemisms (whole lot of them,) bad puns (ditto,) and an exceptionally embarrassing situation for the Chrono Trigger crew makes this something that might offend the overly sensitive. Read on if you dare! Remember to leave a review!
It was January 23, 1001 A.D. A day that would reform the way people wasted time, how children were educated, and how telemarketers grew to a previously unheard of threat to peace and privacy.
On that day, Lucca Ashtear, brilliant teenage inventor, adventurer, and hero, invented LuccaVision.
The boob tube. The Telly. The miraculous machine that made potato chips a commodity like gold, to be hoarded under couches in sacks and cardboard tubes. Lucca had invented The Television!
That day was the six month anniversary of July 23, 1000 A.D. On that particular day at the Guardia Millennial Fair, Lucca, her friend Crono, and Guardia's Princess Nadia, alias Marle, had been introduced to time travel by a malfunctioning Telepod invention, courtesy Lucca Ashtear. This led to a long, arduous quest, ending with the defeat of Lavos, a destructive parasite that had lived inside the earth for millions of years.
Due to the vagaries of time travel, the quest was over in a week to people in 1000 A.D. To Lucca and her friends, it had taken several months. Returning home, they settled down to a peaceful, normal existence.
However, the LuccaVision was an inevitable invention, due to the actions of Marle, and the egos of Magus and Frog.
On October 23, 1000 A.D., Marle had Lucca bring Robo, the robot, Magus, the prince of Zeal turned conceited sorcerer, Frog, the knight Glenn turned frog by Magus, and Ayla, the cavewoman, to the present for the "Vital," as Marle put it, three month reunion.
It was a pleasant reunion, in spite of the efforts of the moody Magus to make the party an utter flop, and once it ended, Robo, Frog, Magus, and Ayla returned to their own times.
Three months later, July 23, 1000 A.D., Marle had Lucca summon them again from their own times, for the "This is a total Must-have" six month anniversary.
It didn't turn out as well.
The sorcerer was first to arrive, from 12,000 B.C. He greeted Lucca, who was acting as the welcomer. "I can't believe it! You cretins, begging me out here! I, Magus, King of the Mystics, crown prince of Zeal, coming here to this worthless celebration. However, since I am here, I will honor this party with my enlightened self. Bow to me!"
"Yak, yak. You're only here because you think Frog would think you too cowardly to come had you not."
Magus smirked, apparently unaffected as he pushed past her rudely.
Frog was next. "Lady Lucca, 'tis a pleasure to behold thee," said the knight-turned-frog.
"Magus is already inside."
"In that case, milady, out of respect for the integrity of thy possessions, I shall wait outside thine abode till thine other guests come hither."
The others soon arrived, and the celebration began.
Magus rolled his eyes as Marle thanked Lucca for allowing the party to be held at her house, and announced to all that today would be a lot of fun.
As Ayla and Crono tried their strength arm-wrestling, Magus rated the party. "Utterly foolish nonsense. Is this what the prince of Zeal is insulted with?"
"Foul wizard, hold thy tongue! Speak ye not such words over this occasion. Perchance I should more delight in this party if thine dour attitude were not present."
"Cretin," challenged Magus in a particularly nasty tone of voice.
"What didst thou title me, O lord of failure?"
"Cricket-eating Cyrus-worshipping cretin."
Frog drew his sword, Masamune, from its sheath. "From thy mouth I shall hew out thy tongue!"
"I have saved it! Now this party is alive!" Magus summoned from seemingly nowhere his scythe. "I'm a true hero," he chortled.
The Masamune clanged against Magus' Doomsickle. Not wanting to appear actually fighting (and thus be broken up,) Magus had cast a silencing spell, making it appear that they were practicing; only he could hear Frog speaking and vice versa.
"Foul fiend! I shouldst slain thee upon your joining our party!"
Magus was ready with a witty retort when Marle ran up.
"Guys, it's so nice to see you both getting along so well!"
That was the most unexpected statement they could have heard. Magus was flabbergasted, as was Frog.
"I wish I could have a picture of you two practicing, just like that." Marle giggled. "Lucca, do you have my camera?"
Lucca did indeed, and she set up to take the picture.
"Smile!" said Marle.
Frog, deciding to win the argument, smiled widely and held two fingers above Magus' head as Lucca took the photo, forever emblazoning on film an image of Frog and Magus, weapons clashed together, Magus attempting to look as important as possible while a grinning Frog stole Magus' thunder: the blue-haired wizard had sprouted from his head two green horns.
The moment after the picture was taken, Frog acted innocent as possible.
The camera's flash had obscured Frog's final strike, and the party proceeded as if nothing had happened.
Thoroughly convinced that he had effectively defeated Frog in the picture by his air of authority, Magus actually chatted with Lucca on relatively friendly terms and, in an unprecedented move, challenged and won against Ayla in arm-wrestling. (Most likely he challenged because Frog had challenged Ayla and lost. The warlock had spent nearly five minutes to defeat her, as he repeatedly stomped the floor with his boots and grappled with the table as he summoned all his strength to resist. His desperate moves finally distracted her allowing him to just barely take the victory.)
The anniversary finally ended, and the guests returned to their respective times via the time Gate in Leene Square. Crono, Marle, and Lucca saw them off.
"Good party. Blue hair strong, smart, tricky. Likes purple hair." Ayla leapt into the Gate.
Lucca reddened and felt slightly queasy.
"Thank you for your invitation. I found your social gathering a quite acceptable occasion, Lucca, Marle, Crono." Robo vanished into the Gate.
"I didst indeed enjoy thy celebration," said Frog. The amphibian knight barely held in laughter as he noticed Magus coming towards the time Gate. "Fare thee well."
Frog vanished, and the former prince of Zeal approached. "I suppose this party was an improvement from last." He chuckled evilly. "Make sure that I see that picture next time I visit, Lucca."
He vanished and the gate closed.
"I wish I could have taken more pictures. Or to have them actually move in the pictures," sighed Marle.
Crono nodded. "That would be nice."
Lucca said nothing. She had had the idea!
Far into the night Lucca labored. First, she made a steaming pitcher of tea; then she began processing the camera's film, a day long process. Afterwards, she tinkered for a while, then pondered, and tinkered.
A glass vase, several overly complex electronic circuits, three knobs, and enough wire to weave a bird's nest changed overnight into an unholy conglomeration of technologically impressive doodads.
However, the wee hours of the morning could not stop the massive train of thought thundering through the mind of Lucca Ashtear. Another device was needed; more wire was necessary, more circuits, more electronics, and several more pitchers of tea.
Floated through the ocean of darkness that was night by a caffeine rush come with the vengeance of Magus against Lavos, Lucca completed changing Marle's camera into another extraordinary gizmo. When powered, she reasoned, the electronics would convert the image seen by the camera into an electrical signal; a small transmitter would amplify the signal, sending it to a wire, which would resonate with power, and the pictures would be beamed over to the receiver, her earlier work that centered round the vase. The wire in the receiver would receive the power, and the receiver's electronics would project the image onto the bottom of the vase using a radiation beam.
"I…am…suuuuuuuuch…a…GENIUS! Mwahahahah!" observed an overly excited inventor. Supercharged by an overdose of caffeine, she stood and proclaimed victory.
"I! Lucca! The! GREAT! Have indeed invented! LUCCAVISION! Garhahar!"
Thankfully, no one was bothered by her announcement. Her father Taban was awake working on an invention himself and thinking about how proud he was of his daughter, while her mother Lara was used to her daughter and her husband's need to loudly express themselves at insane times.
The next day was bright and cheerful. However, Lucca was anything but, for the caffeine had forsaken her. She was tired and sleepy.
The door to her room burst open as Marle and Crono welcomed themselves in.
"Good morning sleepy head!" Marle giggled when she noticed Lucca passed out at her workbench.
"Geniuses…HATE…morning," Lucca murmured.
"Wake up, Lucca," said Crono gently. "We're here to see your new invention."
Lucca awoke immediately. If there was anything that could motivate her, it was showing her inventions to friends.
"Just kidding. That always wakes you."
Lucca grumped. "Well, it worked. What'ya here for?"
"Film," said Marle.
"I thought today we could walk around the Millennial Fair this morning. It won't be open much longer," said Crono.
"Film developed. Right here." Replied Lucca as she gave Marle several developed photographs.
Marle immediately cracked up. Crono barely contained himself as he showed Lucca the image of Frog and Magus.
Though tempted to chuckle herself, the photo reminded her of the INVENTION!
"Guys! Demonstration time!" Lucca announced. "I have built a new device."
"Hold on, I need to leave for a moment…" Crono feigned fear as he backed towards the door but stopped. "Just kidding. We will be going to the Fair still, of course?"
At that moment, Marle noticed what one of the items lying on Lucca's workbench was. "My camera!"
"I'll build you another. I! Am! A! Genius! Behold!" Lucca applied power to the wires extending from the electronics in the vase. "LUCCAVISION!"
The flat bottom of the vase lit up, showing static.
"So what does it do?" ended Crono.
Lucca frowned as her friends' wonderment was replaced by puzzlement. She applied power to Marle's camera, and held it up as if taking a picture of Crono.
The young swordsman's face appeared on the screen.
Marle dropped the photograph and stared.
Crono blinked and stared into his moving image on the screen.
"Shocking…" whispered Marle. "Moving pictures."
"Soon, everyone'll own a LuccaVision!" announced Lucca proudly.
By the time three months had passed, several LuccaVision receivers had been produced, and were presented for public viewing. At the same time, Lucca had developed another invention which she was dying to show off.
Coincidently, Marle announced that it was time for a "Critically Important" gathering of the group.
Fortunately, due to time travel, no one had a problem in coming. They could take the time to visit and lose no time at all; they would reappear the same time they left at.
Magus arrived first. He carried himself proudly from the Gate in Leene Square. "Well, well, woman, can't live without me, huh?" Magus smirked at Lucca.
Magus chuckled. "Where's the photo?"
"I'll show you later." Lucca grimaced, hoping against hope that it would be forgotten.
Robo emerged from the Gate and greeted Lucca, followed by Ayla.
"You and blue hair good together. Make strong babies," announced Ayla, to Lucca's great discomfort. Magus merely laughed and eyed Lucca teasingly.
Frog arrived. "Lady Marle, Sir Crono, Lady Lucca, 'tis an honor that thou findest mine company appealing. Such is a great comfort to me."
And so, they left for the party, not knowing what was in store…
Once again, it was being held at Lucca's house. Magus took the honor of being the first to make trouble by insulting Frog. With a discreet yet inflammatory statement, he observed that Lucca had forgotten to prepare a wading pool for 'the pet.'
"Perchance she hath not forgotten the preparation of an entrapment, to hold the circus beast in." retorted Frog.
Magus was about to respond when Lucca announced that this meeting would be different than the last.
"I need all of your help for an invention of mine."
"What may this be?" questioned Robo.
"It's a surprise."
Frog beat Magus to the punch on the next question. "Lady Lucca, I should consider it a great honor to be allowed to be the individual to trial thy contrivance."
Magus stood to his full height, and used one of his many talents. He radiated an aura of princely superiority while he asked, "Of course, but who is more qualified?"
Lucca decided her invention would keep them in line. "You may both try it."
The group entered Lucca's house. The inventor demonstrated LuccaVision, bringing about many compliments.
"And we shall make a commercial on it!" she declared. "A demonstration of my latest invention, a godsend to the consumer."
Magus nodded regally. "Very well. I shall appear on your LuccaVision. After all, who could be a better spokesperson then a prince? Excuse me for a moment." Magus, suspended in air by magic, flew upstairs to Lucca's room.
"So shall I also host!" Frog interjected.
"You will both host then. I haven't figured out how to record broadcasts yet, so it'll be a live action commercial: what we do on camera, everyone watching will immediately see. I've already announced our intentions to the people."
"My HEAD?! You WILL DIE!" Magus was heard gasping upstairs. "I will AVENGE!"
Lucca frowned. He had seen the image of The Frog-Knight Strikes Back.
At exactly three o'clock, four LuccaVision receivers were turned on. One was turned on by King Guardia, Marle's father; he had been given one as a present. One was powered up by the sword smith Melchior, Guru of Life, who had been given a set. Another was energized by a shopkeeper at the Millennial Fair in Leene Square. The final set was activated by Lucca's parents.
King Guardia waited patiently as his LuccaVision warmed up. The color display activated, showing static, and static played over the speakers. Melchior sat back in his chair and waited, seeing much the same thing. A crowd had gathered round the set at the Millenial Fair, watching a suspiciously similar image. Taban and Lara waited for the broadcast to begin, a demonstration of this new technology.
Lucca prepared the video camera. "Everyone knows their parts, right?"
"I hath committed thine part to mine mind, Lady Lucca."
"I know it better than Frog. Can I have the main part?"
"Daddy'll be so proud to see me! I won't miss a word!"
"I won't mess up, Lucca."
"My memory circuits have stored my part."
"Ayla no forget!"
"One thing. Must we demonstrate…your other invention?" asked Crono.
Magus and Frog exchanged glances. After seeing what Lucca's invention was (an improved version of one of Taban's inventions) both wanted to back out, but neither would show cowardice before the other. However, this commercial would be a major blow to their honor and pride…
"But I can take it." Magus and Frog announced in unison, and then glared at each other.
"I couldn't be paid enough to do this," grumbled the warlock prince.
Lucca prepared the camera and aimed it at a test pattern. She activated it, and adjusted it for best picture.
King Guardia gasped as a color image appeared: a simple test pattern. A single tone played over the speakers. Melchior stood up from his chair in surprise. The crowd murmured in response. Taban loudly called out, "That's my girl!" while Lara sighed with pride.
Lucca stood proudly. "We are ready! On the air in 3…2…1…Now!"
On LuccaVision sets across the land, the image of Frog and Magus, standing side by side on a podium in front of a black backdrop appeared. Melchior dropped the glass of water he had picked up. The other viewers watched in stunned amazement.
"Pssst….your lines!" whispered Lucca.
Immediately straying from script, Magus announced his own version of his lines before Frog. "I am Magus, crown prince of Zeal and King of the Mystics. I honor your eyes and ears with my image and voice on your LuccaVision sets."
"I am Frog, a knight of Guardia whose form was corrupted in this unbecoming manner by an immoral sorcerer." Frog glanced at Magus; a gesture easily notable now that Lucca had zoomed in on the image.
Marle leaned into the picture and waved. "Hello, Daddy!"
"That's my girl!" King Guardia bellowed with pride.
"I'm Marle, and these are my friends."
"I am Crono, and on behalf of Lucca Ashtear, I welcome you to our first broadcast using…"
Lucca flipped a switch on the camera. Immediately, the bass response of the camera's built-in microphone tripled, and an ethereally rendered, hauntingly awesomely enhanced Crono's voice thundered, "LUCCAVISION!"
The world's first special effect!
Before Lucca could disengage the switch, Magus continued his part. "THIS REMARKABLE TECHNOLOGY," he said, unaware of his already powerful voice thundering and raging over the airwaves, "IS UTTERLY REVOLUTIONARY."
Lucca switched off the special effect. Mid-sentence, Magus' voice normalized.
"SO MUch, in fact, that I have bestowed a great honor upon it. I allow myself to be viewed over it."
"For example, observe the crisp, sharp image. This is some sweet stuff we're talking about." Crono detailed. At that moment, Ayla walked in front of the camera.
Every LuccaVision set showed a fur clad Ayla on camera, zoomed slightly on her face, as Crono commented, "some sweet stuff."
Lucca prayed ardently that people weren't noticing the flagrant (and purposeful, in Magus' case) mistakes.
Several people in the crowd at the Millennial Fair whistled crudely as Ayla entered the picture, dressed scantly in furs. "Some sweet stuff," said the LuccaVision set, eliciting many chuckles and several cat calls.
Robo came into play, right on cue. "The audio is melodious and clear. Listen," the robot played over his internal speakers a gorgeous violin concerto, once punctuated in a quiet portion by Magus accusing Frog of 'spoiling the whole darn thing.'
Ayla's part came. "LuccaVision smart. People who watch smart. LuccaVision change whole world!" Ayla punched her fist into the air.
The camera returned to Magus and Frog.
"Now, to demonstrate the commercial potential of LuccaVision, we will unveil an invention to make all of our lives easier." Magus grimaced and paled slightly more than usual; his red eyes suddenly lost their fierceness, and for a moment, he appeared to be a scared, lonely young man, looking for someone to save him.
"A contrivance to make ease a task of certain bane. Mayhap a revolution in the living of our beings." Frog seemed to become greener, and he shivered nervously. Then, he chuckled and looked directly at Magus, then at the camera.
Magus suddenly regained his old appearance, and glanced maliciously at Frog.
"Viewers, hath any of ye had a Magus of a clog in thine privy? Such a horror in thy water closet?" asked the frog knight with relish.
Magus glared furiously at Frog. "That was below the belt," he growled, as he wiggled his fingers meaningfully, as if casting a spell.
Not wanting to have Dark Matter unleashed on him, Frog decided that discretion truly was the better part of valor. "I hath not. But…"
Magus decided it was time to make his move. He would AVENGE the embarrassing photo, embarrass Frog, and outdo the amphibian knight's scheme.
Lucca groaned. The script had fallen apart, but she had to complete the broadcast. She had promised to deliver…she couldn't risk being called unreliable. This had to work! None of her inventions seemed to work right!
Magus seemed to expand, pushing Frog off the podium. The former prince certainly knew how to get attention, as his cape billowed in a magically created wind. "None of us has ever had a Magus of a clog; however, we've all had FROGS of CLOGS in our thrones!"
"Thunder boxes," added Crono.
"Let me at him!" Frog drew the Masamune and Magus summoned his Doomsickle.
"Don't even try to attack, little froggie, or I'll make you croak!" he laughed, deep and wicked.
Lucca rolled her eyes at the awful pun.
Magus continued. "Normally, this would be very bad. In fact, most people would be hopping mad!" A startling change had come over Magus: his pale skin had become more colored, and his eyes were approaching a bluish, almost human, hue.
Frog sheathed the Masamune and shoved the dark wizard off the dais. However, Magus was anything if not very tenacious, and he pulled himself back onto the stage.
"Before you go jumping to conclusions, there is a better way to go about things."
Frog shoved Magus off again and drew the Masamune. "Cease thy prattling, or thine offensive tongue shall be extracted!" Frog pointed the tip of the Masamune at the wizard and continued.
"The piping of your porcelain pedestal is twisted and contorted, akin to the ways of a wizard!"
Magus flared in anger, and leaped in front of the camera; both Frog and Magus had made it a mission to be the center of attention.
"However, we have a better way to remove Frog from your toilet's throat! Presenting the Masadoom!" The sorcerer crooned.
For a moment, neither Frog nor Magus spoke. Crono and Ayla wheeled out a transparent plastic demonstration toilet, clogged with wire and similar debris. Beside it were two plungers, one a Taban Special, a popular red rubber plunger, the other a black and gold plunger, with a silvery handle.
Lucca sighed in relief; this was her part. She left the camera and walked over to the transparent toilet, motioning for Robo, Ayla, and Marle to step in and calm the delighted and laughing Magus and the peeved and infuriated Frog.
"As you will notice, this bowl is clogged with more trash than even the most severe stoppage would normally cause. Thus, the Taban Special is powerless. Crono?"
Crono approached and put the Taban Special through its paces. No change with the clog.
"What do you mean, be decent? Tell that amphibian wretch to bow and worship me or I'll return him to his native habitat!" Magus pointed at the transparent loo.
"Foul cur! I shall rid the world of him!"
Lucca did her utmost to ignore the spat. "The Masadoom combines the materials used to make the Masamune and the Doomsickle for the ultimate plunger. The Masamune part allows for a higher number of critical hits to ensure removal of the plug, while the Doomsickle part does two things. The less help one receives, the higher the Doomsickle's attack; since few are willing to help a person do this job, you will have maximum power. Secondly, it uses dark magic to evaporate the clog from inside out."
Magus realized it was time to be in the limelight. Ignoring Marle and Frog's protests, he leaped forth and grabbed the Masadoom.
"This is a tool worthy of me!"
Frog immediately burst into laughter.
"Magus! Wait!" gasped Lucca. "You can't! It's not ready…"
"Critical hit!" shouted Magus as he wildly stabbed the Masadoom into the bowl. Immediately, every LuccaVision in the land displayed an enormous explosion, combined with the twin spinning triangles of Dark Matter.
As the picture cleared, it was apparent that everyone had survived; in fact, except for Magus, everyone was unscathed. However, the dark wizard was soaked, holding a silvery stump in his hands.
Frog, for a moment stunned by the blast, burst into redoubled laughter.
Crono sniggered. "And so the crapper hits the fan."
Magus just stood for a moment, salvaging what little pride he could. Finally, he spoke. "Shame, little froggie! That was your home, and one of your clog countrymen!"
"Foul fiend! Thou shall be taught a lesson!"
At that moment, the LuccaVision camera, soaked with water, burst into flames and failed.
Thus was Guardia's first television genre founded: live action comedy.
If you didn't like this, just remember that this is probably the most obscure fic I will ever write; however, it was the sort of thing that demanded to be set down in writing. Well, what did you think? Please review (giving constructive criticism where needed.) If you think this should become a multi-chapter fic, please say so. Hopefully, you've enjoyed this read, in spite of the literal toilet humor.