Given the chance

Author: Moggie

Rating: PG-13

Category: Angst, Death.

Pairing: G/S who else?

Summary: The biggest secret between two people, just who was keeping the biggest part?

Disclaimers: Owning CSI: Crime Scene Investigation? Wish I did, but don't and never will.

Note: The dates and destinations maybe, no. are extremely off base, but who cares. It' my story and to put it together I had to make up a timeline of my own. I was going to put present dates, but I couldn't even hazard guess what the world would be like after 2003.

* *

Chapter 1

Las Vegas, 1999

One night, that's all it was. Two people declare their love for each other and gave into the years of denial. In that one night they shared something very special, but in the morning he was gone. He had come to her apartment to talk to her, to apologise for his behaviour towards her over the months. One thing led to another, but both knew what they were doing and both wanted it too much not to take advantage of their time alone without any interruptions from the outside world. She stared at the ceiling alone, in her cold bed. He'd left a long time ago, before the darkness covered the city. She cried all night until she had to go into work and face him, but he wasn't there. He'd left Catherine in charge and gone to a sudden conference out of town. He hadn't told her he needed to go, she could have dealt with him leaving because he had to go away, but he left without saying goodbye or woken her to repeat those words that made her feel so warm inside.

Three days later, he came home. No messages, no e-mails, no phone calls, nothing, just an A4 piece of paper in the centre of his desk.

* *

I'm sorry, I didn't know what to do.

Please forgive me.


* *

A week went by in silence. He called and called, but no answer. After that day he found the letter, he went to her apartment. The reality hit, nothing remained. All the furniture had gone, the home that once housed the most incredible woman he'd ever been privileged to know and love, had gone, vanished from his life completely.

He'd been so stupid to let things go too far, but she was standing there looking so beautiful, he couldn't hold it in any longer. When he woke, his mind forced the wall way up as he saw her lying beside him. It was wrong, he couldn't stay, and he needed to leave, forget it happened. It wasn't right. She deserved someone who could give her everything. He wasn't that person. She'd see it sooner or later and when she did, he knew his heart would shatter into millions of pieces.

He went away the same day that he woke next to her warm body. Asked Catherine to supervise while he went to a seminar that came across his desk almost immediately when he got into work early. He took advantage. He'd spent hours trying to think about what to say or do when she arrived and so, he left and when he returned she was gone. Left his live forever.

* *

Four weeks went by and still nothing. He'd called in many favours to find her, but it was no hope. She'd disappeared and didn't seem to want to be found.

The team was worried. She came in the evening before he came back from the conference, acted normal and then up and left without a word to anyone but the board. She'd given in her notice with no explanation. Other than noticing she looked unwell and tired, she was her normal cheery self. She never gave anything away.

* *

Four months past and he had taken many trips to different states to places he thought she might go, but again there was no luck. 6 states in four months was tiring and he spent a week locked away in his home. He went to work and showed no emotion, he got on with his work and no one asked the question they desperately wanted to ask. 'What happened between you two?'

* *

Florida Orlando, 2003

He walked along the university path with his leather satchel in his left hand and his cell phone in his right. He held it to his ear and spoke to the caller. Pulling his car door open and climbing in, he hung up.

He'd been in Orlando for four days teaching entomology and forensics. A week's lectures was average compared to what he did in other states. Depending on the course, he would take his time to teach those who wanted get a more of an idea of what he did for a living.

Four years had passed and he had taken a whole different approach to life. He travelled because he'd always wanted to when he was young and went home to Las Vegas after each seminar that usually didn't last much long that seven to two weeks.

He kept telling himself that his gaping hole in his heart was healing and moving on, but every state, each new border he crossed, each fresh town he drove through, he couldn't stop himself looking and asking if they'd seen her.

Finally he found himself at the beginning of summer 2003 and in a new part of the country. Driving through a small very classy residential block on a nice hot clear day, he stopped outside a coffee shop.

Sitting drinking his coffee and reading the newspaper, he looked up at the sounds of children screaming with enjoyment. The young children ran around the front garden while their carers collected them together. Their parents stood at the gate talking and one by one the children and their parent's left. Paying for another coffee, he sat back and turned a page of the newspaper. A large bright blue Tahoe pulled up to the home/nursery and the driver climbed out.

A boy's voice squeaked loudly getting his attention to look up from his coffee. "Mummy."

He couldn't move, his cup stopped in mid-air as he watched the child run and jump into his mothers waiting arms. Slowly being able to move again, he put his cup down and stared at the sight before him.

"Hey monster, you have fun today?" She pulled him close and squeezed him to her chest.

"Look mummy I painted a picture." One of the carers lifted up a painting.

"Oh it's lovely sweetie. We'll put it on the fridge when we get home ok?" Carrying her child to the car and strapping him in, she turned to the carer and took the small lunch box and painting. "See you tomorrow Jo." Jo waved at the child as the mother climbed into the car.

Getting to his feet he collected his things and got into his car. He followed the Tahoe for fifteen minutes until it pulled up a dive. He parked over the street and watched as mother and child walked up to the door and entered the small house.

Leaning against the steering wheel, he could see the house was big enough for a small family. It had a small front garden with a fence and a garage big enough for two cars. He rubbed his face and sat back. 'What now?'

* *

The next day after the seminar he stopped by the coffee shop and again followed the Tahoe, but this time it stopped at the supermarket. Taking the time given to him, he drove to the house and park out in the same place across the street. He sat thinking until he decided to go back to his B&B and change. Night time soaked the sky in blackness.

It took everything for him to turn the engine off. After ten minutes of staring at the front door, he got out and walked up the drive.

Not waiting to change his mind, he knocked on the door. Time past and his foot wouldn't stop tapping the concrete with nervousness. Suddenly the door opened and the air grew thick.

Chapter 2

She looked so beautiful. Her hair was the same, shoulder length and dark brown, just like her chocolate brown eyes. She wore light blue jeans and a white top that was damp from water.

His hair has greyed more since she saw him last, his curls still plastered to his head. He wore black slacks and a black shirt with a black leather jacket.

"Hi." He managed after the initial shock of seeing her face to face.

She couldn't take here eyes of his until a thud got her attention and she turned. The child was wrapped in a large towel and had tripped over the trailing fabric. "Sweetie, are you ok?" She left the door open and walked to her little boy. She picked him up and smiled. He grinned with his eyes sparkling. Poking him in the tummy set him into a fit of giggles. "Faker."

The little boy fell into his mother's chest and looked up at the person still standing in the doorway. He pulled away from his mother and frowned. "Mummy." He said tiredly.

"Hey, it's ok." She stood, lifting her son with her and turned to the elder man. "Gil, come in, you'll let the cat out." Grissom walked in and closed the door. Turning back he saw her sit on the couch and hold the boy to her, gently rubbing the moisture from his skin. "How are you?" She asked brushing her fingers through the child's curly brown hair.

The boy looked at Grissom like he was a puzzle. "I'm fine, you?"

"Never better." She turned her head to look him and smiled weakly. "I don't want to argue, not in front of him." She rubbed her fingers over the child's cheek.

"Sara, I didn't come here to argue."

She nodded and stood. "Let me put him to bed. Help yourself to coffee, kitchens through there." Sara motioned to the back of the house.

* *

Grissom leaned against the counter in the kitchen and looked out the window to the back garden. He could see a medium sized pool lit up by floodlights, toys and a swing set could be seen and a table and chairs sat on the patio.

"He's a sleep." Sara said walking into the kitchen and opening the fridge. Pulling out a Tupperware tub, she popped it in the microwave. Staring at the item spin round, she sighed and turned to the person who was now staring at her. "I'm not going to fade away you know, you can blink."

Grissom ducked his head and hid his smile in his coffee cup. "Sorry." He muttered.

After a few more minutes of silence the microwave beeped. Pulling out two bowls, she scooped the contents of the steaming hot tub into the bowls. Sara held out one to Grissom and he took it with a curious glance at her before focusing on the food. "Treacle pudding?" He looked up and furrowed his brows.

"I feel like something sweet. Anyway, if I don't eat it Josh will think I don't like. He made it." Sara shrugged and started eating. They stood in the kitchen eating, but there were so many questions they both wanted to know. It was difficult not to get angry and so they both ate in silence, but sooner or later someone had to say something. After eating and Sara washed the few dishes, they sat in the living. Grissom stared at his hands as he sat on the couch, while Sara sat in an armchair opposite him. Watching him carefully. "If your not going to speak to me, then why are you here?"

Grissom's head snapped up in surprise at the question more than the cold tone of her voice. "To see you."

"Is that it?" She kept her tone even, not breaking under his now undivided attention.

He shook his head. "And to get some answers."

"Some answers?" She repeated. Not believing her ears she laughed sarcastically.

His eyes narrowed at her reaction. "Sara."

She held up a hand to stop him. "It's been too long Grissom, too long and you are still looking for answers?" Shifting in her seat, she sighed and looked at the floor.

Taking the opportunity he sat forward to rest his elbows on his knees. "Sara why did you leave?"

On the defence, she looked at him and scowled. "Don't you dare ask me that. You have no right to come here and mess my life up because you feel guilty or something about what happen years ago. The question I want 'you' to answer is, why are you here?"

Taken aback by her calmness, he scratched his temple before locking eyes. "Teaching. I teach at universities around the country then go home and work." Seeing her eyes drop from his he sighed heavily and sat back. "I didn't know you were here. I didn't know where you were. I first saw you yesterday picking up." He pursed his lips in thought and paused before continuing, slight confusion lacing his words. ".Your son?" Sara nodded hesitantly. "I followed you and here I am. I've been looking for you, trying to find you. I never stopped Sara. I." He stopped and looked away. Finding something else to focus on.

Several things got her attention. He'd been looking for her, trying to find her, he followed her, and he's here now. "What did you think was going to happen Grissom?"

"I don't know." His eyes dropped to his lap. "I wanted to see you, make sure you were ok."

Sara shook her head. "No." He looked up confused. "You left me remember? You are not going to play the guilt trip on me Grissom, don't come here looking for answers if you're going to blame me for something that I've tried to forget."

Sitting up straight, he took a deep breath and let it out slowly. "Forget?" He asked a little hurt at what she said.

"Yes. Forget, something you do when you don't want to remember, but it was so hard to do that when." She abruptly stopped what she was going to say and shook her head. "It's not his fault." She whispered to herself.

Grissom heard and looked behind him. The bedrooms were quiet and the hallway was dark. "Who's?" He turned back to her. She moved uncomfortably. "Who's Josh?" He asked after realising that she wasn't going to speak.

Not making eye contact, she stood and moved to the front door. "It's getting late."

Grissom didn't move. "No, I want to talk."

"You never talk, you never listen, you don't do much of anything when it comes to explaining the tiniest details of a persons life."

Growing angrier at her icy tone, he stood. "Okay, you blame me. I understand that, I do, but now I'm here please don't shut me out. I want to explain, apologise." Sara turned to him when she heard him standing close. He looked at her, studied her face. "I'm sorry."

"It doesn't matter." She said lightly. He stood a few feet from her. His eyes wondering her face.

"Who's Josh?" He asked catching her eyes with his.

Shaking her head she pushed the door further open. "Goodbye Gil."

His eyes widened and he took a step closer to her. "I told you I'm not leaving."

"I'm asking you to go, put the past behind you." Keeping her voice low, she moved to the side to show him the door.

Not listening to her he took another step towards her. "Why, when you can't. You haven't. Do you not want an explanation for what I did? Why I did it?" He stood a few inches from her.

Sara watched him as he got closer. She closed her eyes as his after-shave wafted over her. "I have a reason why." Nodding absently with some understanding, he leaned into her and kissed her lips. It was a chaste kiss and Sara pulled back in surprise. He watched her step back into the wall by the open door. Her body hit the wall with a thud and her eyes grew as he stepped closer. She shook her head at him, her hands came up and pressed flat against his chest as he moved closer. "Grissom." She whispered and gripped his jacket lapels as he pushed his body against hers. His hands tentatively held her waist. "We can't." Her eyes squeezed shut as his breath mingled with hers. Her heart pounded violently in her chest, as he kissed her. His mouth crushed hers in a fierce kiss. Releasing his shirt from her grasp she pushed him back, pressing her lips tightly together to stop him. She shook her head and slid away from him. "No."

Grissom turned and frowned at himself for his behaviour. "I'm sorry, that wasn't supposed to happen."

Sara touched her swollen lips and waved a hand at him. "It's ok. Partly my fault too."

Leaning his back against the wall he pushed her against, he ran a hand through his hair and took a few short breaths followed by one long one. "Can we talk?" He looked up to see her staring at him.

She looked away and nodded. "Fine." Grissom closed the door and sat down. Moving to join him, she asked. "How is everyone?" Almost afraid to ask she looked down at her hands.

He turned to her and smiled. "Catherine's got a boyfriend."

Sara's eyes shone. "No way?"

He nodded with amusement. "Yep, steady for a year now."


Pausing for affect, he chuckled. "You'll never believe me when I tell you." Grinning at him, she urged him to continue. "Jim Brass."

Covering her mouth with her hand, she gasped in shock. "You're right I don't believe you."

Grissom reached for her hand, she watched him as he rubbed her hand with his thumbs. "Nick's married, has been for 6 months. Warrick moved to days and is still a bachelor and Greg is now a CSI level 1."

Her mouth dropped open, then it closed in realisation and she nodded sadly. "Guess that happens in such a long time."

Stopping his thumbs, he smiled and squeezed her hand in both his. Thinking about the many questions that were running around his head, he sobered his face and released her hand. "Tell me about you. What have you been doing?"

Sara noticed his stiff posture and drew her hand to her lap. "Well, as you can see." She motioned to the room. "I have a nice house, pool outback. I work at the police department's small forensics lab. I have many friends. Believe it or not, I got myself a life." Grissom smiled at the long time joke and relaxed a little. "Now you?" She said returning the smile.

Pondering his answer for a few seconds. "I teach, I'm no longer supervisor at the lab. I consult and assist. I keep in contact with everyone, even Greg." Sara laughed. "Yes Greg, we've worked together a lot and have a mutual understanding, I don't scare him and he tells me things straight up."

"Nice." She leaned back against the arm of the couch and rubbed her eyes tiredly.

"I travel, I still collect butterflies, I try and be less insensitive towards people." She raised a sceptical eyebrow. He shook his head and gave a short laugh. "I'm trying." He shrugged. "I still live in Vegas and I still have my tarantula."


Smirking at her response he leaned at little forward. "I've been lost without you."

"Griss please." She pleaded sitting up.

Grissom sat back. "Each state I've been too, I've looked for you."

"Grissom stop." She went to stand, but his hand shot out and grasped her arm. She sat back down and he removed his hand.

"Listen to me." He waited and observed her for a minute before continuing. "I shouldn't have left."

She cut him off. "But you did." Her arms crossed her chest defensively.

"I left because I was scared." He tried to explain.

Not believing him, she looked up and scowled. "Enough to leave me alone and not talk to me about it? I was still at work while you cowardly ran away. I waited for you, but you didn't come back. I blamed myself when I found out, I had to leave." She took a deep breath to keep the tears from falling. She started to shake, but tried to hide it. "If you left because you were scared, then how would you have reacted to what you would have come back to?"

Not fully understanding everything, but understanding one thing in particular, he sat forward. "You could have told me."

She shook her head and a single tear escaped. "You say you were scared because of one night, something I thought was special to you."

"It was." He interrupted.

She continued through his words, ignoring them. "As it was to me. I was more than scared Grissom, I was petrified when I found out."

"I had a right to know Sara." He pressed.

Snapping her head up angrily, she seethed. "Right? What right did you have? You lost any right when you ran away from me, from him. This was because of you, the way you were, the way you are.. Argh." She stood and started pacing. "We have been fine on our own. We never needed anyone. We don't need it now."

Grissom's eyes followed her until he noticed pictures on the walls and shelves. He got up and walked to them. He picked up one after he scanned them all. His finger traced the face. "I should never have left, you're right, but I didn't have clue what to do."

She stopped her pacing and watched him stare at the picture, burning the photo into his mind. Her chest hurt, her head ached and pounded. Watching him made her want to turn back the clock so none of this ever happened. She wanted to be with him, tell him, but how. He may be here to get answers just by the off chance of him being in the same town, but he was still Grissom and that would never change.

"You can keep that if you want." She offered quietly.

Grissom closed his eyes and placed the picture back. He turned to the door in order to keep her from seeing his watering eyes. "I better go." He walked to the door and opened it. Sara went to the shelf and touched the frame of the photo, in it was a picture of her son. "I'm at the B&B on Roberts Drive. I'll be leaving tomorrow afternoon." He struggled with the words, trying not to let his voice shake, but it didn't work. He left closing the door silently behind him.

Chapter 3

Pulling the photo to her chest she let the tears come.

"Mummy." A soft little voice came from behind her.

She turned and wiped the tears away. She crouched down in front of her son and brushed his cheek gently. "You should be in bed little man."

He nodded and threw his arms around her neck. "Don't cry mummy."

The tears started as she smiled. "Oh baby, it's ok."

He comforted her by stroking her hair and placing a soft kiss on her cheek. "Can I sleep with you tonight?"

Pulling him up with her, she hugged him close. "Come on, time for bed." She walked into her room and tucked him in. "I'll be back. I'm just going to turn the lights out." She kissed his hair and watched as his eyes closed.

Looking out the front window as she locked the front door, she saw him sitting in his car, his head in his hands. She wanted to go to him, but couldn't. She felt weak and hurt and going to him would only bring more pain. She turned away and switched the lights out before heading to bed to be with her little boy.

* *

He dropped his head into his hands as the tears slowly ran down his cheeks. Why couldn't they talk and not argue? Why was it so difficult? Why did this have to happen?

Rubbing his face to clear away the wetness, he started the car and drove back to the B&B.

He lay on his bed staring at the ceiling. Why couldn't she tell him? It nearly slipped a few times, but she stopped.

Before he fell into a restless sleep he was left with one last thought. 'He had a son.'

* *

The day went by too slow. It was hot and the students were buzzing around like lost animals. He had finished teaching for the day and drove back to his room to pack. He had to fly back to Las Vegas to help Warrick on a case and help Nick move into his new house.

He walked through the door and was stopped by the B&B receptionist. "Excuse me Dr. Grissom, there's a package for you." The lady handed him the item and went back to work.

Eyeing the brown paper he noticed it had no address or stamp, just his name. 'Doctor Gil Grissom." He knew that handwriting, but couldn't place it.

Sitting down on his bed, he stared at the package. His bags had been pack so he could sleep a few hours before driving to the airport. Pulling at the paper he tilted his head as he revelled a frame and photo. It was the same photo he saw last night, but with one difference.

'Love Josh.' Was scribbled in the corner.

His heart rate went up and his hand shook. The picture fell to the bed as he stared at it like a piece of evidence. Scanning the picture again he noticed a small envelope stuck to the inside of the brown paper. He pulled it out and opened it.

* *

He's always known.

He always will.


* *

Not knowing what to feel, he laid back and brought the picture above him. He rubbed his eyes beneath his glasses and studied the picture of his son.

* *

One week later back in Las Vegas, Grissom was walking down the CSI lab corridor when Catherine jogged up to him and nudged him playfully. "Hey bugman."

Looking at her too cheery attitude he gave her a small smile. "Cath."

"Guess what?" She teased.

Rolling his eyes at her he turned and walked into the break room. "How many tries do I get?"

"Mmm, let me see. two." She grinned at him and sat across the table from him.

Drinking his coffee he stared at her to try and get a clue. Absently he said. "You're pregnant." He looked down at the table at his bad guess.

After a few minutes she snorted. "And you call yourself a genius."

Raising an eyebrow, he corrected her. "I don't, other's do."

"Ok, well anyway. We just cracked that Thompson case." She watched his face brighten.

"Really? How?" He set his cup down and leaned on the table. Before she could answer his cell phone rang. "Sorry Cath."

"Go on answer it." She said helping herself to a coffee.

He flipped his phone open and answered. "Grissom."

Catherine watched his face turn white as a sheet in seconds. "Gil?"

He managed to squeak a thank you into the phone before closing it. His eyes wondered the room in panic, then his hand came up to rub his face. He stood and leaned against the table for support. Finding his voice when Catherine asked him what was wrong he turned to her. "I need to get to Florida fast."

"Ok, why?" She placed her hand on his arm.

He looked up at her and shook his head. "I need you to drive me to the airport, my cars in the shop."

"Sure, but you've got to tell me why." They started walking for the exit.

"I can't tell you." He got into her car and asked to go to his place first.

* *

Catherine followed him into the house and waited in the living room for him to grab some things. She sat on the couch and looked at the coffee table. A silver frame housed a picture of a little boy and had some writing in the corner, obviously done by the child. She stared at it and furrowed her brows in confusion. He looked like Grissom.

Her head snapped up as Grissom placed the picture into his bag. "Who's that Gil?" She indicated the item he put in his duffel bag.

"My son." He answered with a tinge of sadness.

Catherine's eyes widened. "Your son?"

He nodded and disappeared into his bathroom. When he came back he picked up his spider tank and walked towards the door. "Cath?"

"Yeah. I'm coming." She followed him to the car.

* *

"Can you take care of the house while I'm away. I'm not sure how long." He asked after hanging up on the airport ticket desk assistant.

"Of course." She glanced at him and sighed. "Gil, who was that on the phone at work and why are you going to Florida? Not to mention that you have never mentioned you ever had a son."

"That's because I never knew." He saw Catherine look at him and he had to point to the road before she whipped her head back to driving.

"Josh right?" He nodded. "Who's the mother?" She asked.

Grissom swallowed and stared at the spider moving around the tank. "I tell you, you promise it will not leave this car, at least not yet?"

"I promise."

Taking a deep breath he turned to her slightly. "Josh is my son, I found out last week."

Catherine scrunched her face up in concentration. "Weren't you in Florida last week?"

He nodded. "Yeah." He paused and checked his watched. Looking back up he saw Catherine again looking at him. "I was teaching in Colorado. That's where I'm going now. I need to get to hospital there." He stopped when Catherine cut in again.

"Why what happened. Is it Josh?"

Sighing shakily he shook his head. "No it's his mother. She was in a car accident on the way home from work."

"How bad?" Catherine asked hesitantly.

"I'm too not sure, but her just being there isn't doing me or Josh any good. I need to get to her." He ran his fingers over his hair. "Why did this have to happen Cath? Why her? Why me?"

"Gil, you need to tell me who she is so I can keep up with you here." Catherine pulled into the Airport car park and parked. She turned to him and saw his face was red and he had his eyes closed.

"It was one night, one night and I left her. I leave the state for god sakes and when I get back she's gone." His mind was going to explode if he couldn't tell someone how he was feeling, what this past week was doing to him. Just before Catherine could ask him he answered. "Why did she have to leave. I would have tried, I would have talked. Why didn't she tell me?" He turned angry with himself at the thought. "It's my fault, all of it. I should never have run away. I should have been there for her."

"Gil?" She tried, but he continued his ranting.

"If I just stopped and thought about what she was feeling instead of my own insecurities. I would have taken care of her, of them. I wouldn't have left them." He turned to Catherine with tears. "I told her I loved her and the next morning I removed that love by my leaving. I hurt her so much that she couldn't tell me I had a son. Catherine it's been four years. WHY?" He seethed.

She removed the tank and placed it on the back seat. His tears fell and she pulled him to her. "Why didn't you tell me?" He sobbed into her shoulder and let out a short loud groaned. "Shhh. God Gil, Four years is a long time to keep this inside, you should have come to me. I could have helped."

"She's hurt bad Cath, I need to get to her. Her friend rang me, she's looking after Josh." He wrapped his arms around her tighter as more tears flowed. "I'm going to loose her again Cath. I don't know what it'll do to me if that happens."

"Your flights in twenty minutes." She pulled back and wiped his tears away. "I'm coming with you ok?"

He shook his head. "No Cath, you can't the lab needs you."

"No, Jim and the rest of the team will be fine. I rang Jim while you disappeared back into the house. I've got spares in the back and I can buy the rest. Now lets go and get me a ticket ok?" She watched him and smiled when he nodded. "Good."

Chapter 4

When they reached Colorado, Grissom still hadn't told Catherine whom this mother of his child was, but sensed she was very important to him. The first stop was the hospital.

"Name please." The nurse asked.

Grissom answered without hesitation. "Sara Sidle." The nurse nodded and looked at the computer. He looked at Catherine feeling her intense eye on him. He gave a weak smile at her shocked face.

"I see the resemblance in Josh now." She mused. Seeing his face crumble to sadness once again she pressed. "Gil what's wrong?"

The nurse directed them to the floor and room. Grissom was scared to death. "I haven't met him."

Catherine could only stare. "You haven't?"

He shook his head. "No, I've seen him, but it was late and Sara put him to bed." Catherine nodded as she pressed the elevator button. The doors opened and Grissom's hands began to shake. "God Cath, I don't know if I can do this." His voice broke.

Catherine took one hand and squeezed it. "I'm here ok, you're not alone." He squeezed her hand in return. "Does he know? I mean, the photo was obviously signed by him."

Grissom dropped his head. "He knows. Sara said he's always known."

"Why didn't you stay?" She asked softly as the doors opened.

"I don't know. I don't think I was scared, I think I was trying to sort everything out in my head before I decided to do anything." They stepped off the elevator and turned to the nurse's station.

"Did you?" They walked past the nurses after they told them which direction and now stood staring at the two people standing outside Sara's room.

Grissom looked at Catherine and nodded. "I did. I wanted to speak to her, but I didn't know what to say without starting an argument."

"Ok, let's go see her." Catherine pulled on his arm when he didn't move.

As they approached the room, one of the people turned to them. "Dr. Grissom?" The young lady asked.

"Call me Gil, this is Catherine Willows, she's a friend of Sara's and mine." They shook hands.

"Mines Samantha and this is Andy, we've been Sara's friends since she moved here. We live next door." Grissom nodded and looked at the wooden door. Sam watched him and touched his arm. "She's been asking for you. Josh is with my sister and I'll bring him later. Go in, she's asleep, but go see her."

"Thank you." He turned to Catherine and she smiled.

"I'll get us some coffee and something to eat."

"Ok." He turned and walked into the room.

* *

Her body looked so small in the large bed. The monitors beeped out a steady rhythm telling him she was still alive. The room was dark with the shades drawn. He stood at the foot of her bed and stared down at her. 'Why?' Was all he could ask seeing her lifeless shell wrapped in a cocoon of blankets.

Moving to sit in the chair beside her bed, he looked down at her hand. Without thinking twice he traced each finger softly with his index and his eyes watched the repeated action. Hearing the heart monitor change slightly he looked up to see her head move to the side. He pulled the chair closer to the bed and wrapped his hand around hers. Reaching easily, he brushed back some strands from her cheek.

"What do I do Sara?" He asked quietly in a shaky voice.

* *

While Sara was sleeping, Catherine made sure Grissom ate. They sat in the restaurant drinking their third coffee each. "How bad is it?" She asked.

Grissom didn't answer for a long time; he just stared at the hot liquid. "Too much internal bleeding, they're not sure if she'll make it. She's breathing on her own, but there's so much damage inside." His voice trailed off and he pushed his cup away.

Catherine checked her watch and reached across the table to take his hand. "He'll be here soon."

He knew, but was grateful Catherine was here to tell him. Sighing and pulling his coffee back. "What if he doesn't like me Cath?"

Catherine laughed and grinned at him. "What's not to like Gil? You maybe a walking enigma, but this kid is half Sidle and half Grissom. He's going to be mad about you, just like his mother." This didn't get the desired affect she was hoping for and took his coffee from his tight grasp. "He's part you and part Sara, Gil. What do you see when you look at him?"

Thinking and smiling at his answer he said. "Sara."

"See. You're crazy about Sara, why not her kid. your kid." She corrected with a smile.

* *

Walking back to the room, Grissom stopped in his tracks and Catherine bumped into him. She followed his line of sight and saw Josh hugging Sam.

Sam saw them and smiled. "Josh." He looked up. "Look who's here." She pointed to Grissom.

Grissom continued and crouched down in front of the little boy who stood next to Sam. "Hi Josh, you know who I am?" Catherine watched as Grissom asked his son in a soft voice. She smiled and moved down the corridor with Sam and Andy to leave them alone.

Josh moved closer and reached out his tiny hand. He traced Grissom's face and touched his left ear. Tugging on it lightly, he smiled. "You're my daddy." A slow smile spread across Grissom's face and the warmth flowed through him. He took his hand and opened it. He drew a line down the middle of his palm. Josh giggled and closed his palm on Grissom's finger. "Mummy does that." He giggled again.

"Shall we go see mummy now?" Grissom smiled and hesitated briefly when Josh held out his arms to be picked up. Lifting him into his arms, he hugged him close. "Let's see mummy."

* *

Walking through the door and closing it after them, Grissom moved to sit in the chair. Josh sat on his lap and looked down at his mother. He just stared at her with a small smile. Grissom leaned down to his ear and whispered. "You watch her too?"

Josh giggled and reached up to Sara's ear. "Mummy." He traced her ear and Grissom lifted him to sit on the bed. Josh leaned over and kissed her cheek. "Mummy never sleeps so long." He said sadly.

"And let the monster know I'm awake, no way." Sara's voice was soft and weak. She opened her eyes and saw Josh lean over and hug her. She winced, but recovered quickly when he pulled back. Grissom saw her pained look, but watched as she composed herself before Josh could see.

Josh grinned. "Faker." Sara smiled and brushed his brown curls out of his face. "Look Mummy, Daddy's here." Josh turned to reveal Grissom.

Sara's eyes widened with joy. "You came."

Grissom stood, took her hand and smiled down at her. "Sam called. I came as fast as I could."

Sara nodded and looked at Josh. "Daddy huh?" Josh grinned. She drew her eyes back to Grissom's "It's normally bugman and only daddy when he's serious."

Grissom chuckled and touch his son's head. "I prefer 'daddy' to 'bugman'." Sara watched Josh lower his head to her chest as he curled up against her. "How are you feeling?" He asked. Sara closed her eyes and tightened her hand around his with what little strength she had. She shook her head at him. Grissom nodded in understanding and cupped her cheek. She smiled and turned into his caress. "Catherine's here." Sara's eyes sparkled. "You know how she can weasel info out of me." He shrugged and grinned down at her. "She'll stop by later."

"Ok." Sara's eyes began to close, but she forced them open. "Hey monster why don't you get cake with daddy and you can tell him about your new hobby." She took a shallow breath and closed her eyes at the pain.

Grissom brushed his hand across her forehead and leaned into her ear. "You need the doctor?"

She shook her head and moved her head to his. He stared into her eyes and she saw the sadness there. Sara's hand caressed his cheek gently. "I'm ok." She didn't sound convincing and he closed his eyes as her pain seeped into his soul.

He opened his eyes and softly placed a kiss on her lips. "I'll get him some cake while you rest for a bit. Catherine will be by shortly."

Sara's face relax slightly as she nodded and smiled at Josh. "Go on Monster. I'll see you soon."

Josh lifted his head and gave his mother a quick kiss before turning to his father and throwing his arms around his neck. "Come on daddy, let's feed you cake."

Raising an amused eyebrow. "Me?"

Sara laughed lightly and closed her eyes in a wave of pain. "Go on you two, let mummy get some sleep." She opened her eyes and locked eyes with Grissom. "Go on." She said again seeing the worry clearly etched across his face.

* *

"Hey Gil." Catherine greeted as he walked into the restaurant.

"Hey Cath, Sam." Grissom held Josh's hand as they walked towards them. "Came to fed the monster here."

Josh giggled and climbed onto the seat next to Catherine. "Daddy wants cake too."

"He does?" Catherine and Sam exchanged an amused glance before looking at Grissom.

"I can eat cake, just not as much a chocolate boy here." Grissom teased.

Chapter 5

Catherine left Sam and Grissom to entertain Josh while she went to see Sara.

"Hey hon, long time no see huh?" Catherine beamed walking up to the bed.

Sara grinned and reached out her hand. "Thank you for bringing him Cath."

"Not a problem Sara. How you feeling?" Catherine sat down and clasped her hand around Sara's.

"Sore." Sara said smiling.

Sara eyes danced over Catherine's face, which made her self-conscious. "Sara stop that, I feel like a blood sample."

"Sorry, just seeing the change."

"What change?" Catherine smiled.

"Jim Brass." Sara giggled, but stopped. "Ouch." She winced and squeezed her eyes shut.

"How much pain?" Catherine asked rubbing her hand.

Sara looked up at the ceiling as the pain left. "More than I'd like lets put it that way."

Catherine squeezed her hand and nodded. "How have you been? It's been so long."

Sara smiled. "Life's been good to me. I have a house, many friends, a great job and Josh has children his age to play with. It's been ruff at times, but I've coped." She could see the many questions floating around Catherine's head and tilted her head towards her. "Don't ask me." She pleaded.

"Ok, I've missed you, we all have."

"I'm glad you and Brass got together, all that flirting." Sara laughed softly and looked towards the door. "How's he been? I talked to him last week, but it sort of ended up with him leaving and we were both upset."

Leaning forward, Catherine frowned. "I tried to convince him to let you get on with life, but he kept looking. I tried myself to find out where you were, but I couldn't."

Sara sighed. "I didn't want to leave, but I was scared. He left and it hurt so bad." Tears fell and Catherine wiped them away. "He should have talked to me, but he didn't."

"What happened?"

"He came to see me. Wanted to say he was sorry about the way he'd been ignoring me, mistreating me." She closed her eyes as she remembered. "He was so gently, so scared. "Opening her eyes, Sara chuckled. "He looked like a little school boy. He looked like Josh when he discovered he could walk on his own."

Catherine smiled. "You love him?"

"Yeah, more than he knows." Sara looked into her eyes and sobered. "I told him Cath, I did."

"I know. He told me he did too."

Closing her eyes she smiled. "They're so alike." Sara's eyes opened and she looked out the window. "All I could see was Gil. My little boy is so much like his father Cath."

"Josh did something strange when Gil first met him, he seemed to remember something with his hands, he traced Gil's face and then Josh giggled when he ran his index finger down his palm." Catherine narrowed her eyes.

Looking back at Catherine, Sara smiled with pride. "I didn't keep Josh from knowing his father. I told him everything, so that one day when he wanted to see him he would recognise him and not feel like he was a stranger. I showed him some things that made Grissom special, how kind and tender he could be and Josh picked it up and does it all the time. He will crawl into bed with me, he would stroke my hair, traced my face or palm. He's smart Cath, really clever. Just like Gil."

"Just like you both." Sara nodded and closed her eyes. "I'll come back later and let you sleep. I'll take Josh home and look after him while you and Gil spend some time together."

"Thank you Cath, for everything." Catherine stood and placed a kissed on Sara's cheek before leaving.

* *

Grissom entered the room quietly and sat down in the chair. He watched her sleep for an hour and soon fell asleep himself.

Sara woke later that evening with light pressure on her hand. Opening her eyes she saw Grissom's head resting on her hand, fast asleep. Moving her hand slowly, she managed to get it free. Watching him closely, she ran her fingers over his sleeping face. As she looked at him some more, tears fell and she took in a long shallow breath.

Grissom moaned and sat up. Noticing the tears, he pulled himself up on the bed and leaned over her. "Hey, don't cry honey. What's wrong?"

"I'm sorry." She said in barely a whisper.

He smiled and wiped the tears away. "How did you sleep?"

"Gil, I'm sorry for all this. I didn't want it to be like this."

"Don't." He said softly and kissed her tenderly. "It's in the past Sara. I'm here, you're here, Josh is here."

Sara nodded and gazed into his eyes. "Why didn't you go with Josh? Spends some time with your son."

Grissom shook his head and brushed her hair out of her eyes. "Plenty of time for that. I'm here to keep you company. I'm here because I want to be."

They sat in silence for a long time, just staring at each other. "Everything's at home." She said suddenly. Grissom's eyebrows lowered in misunderstanding. "Videos, photos, everything. I kept all of his baby toys, all of his paintings, clothes, everything. I knew that one day you'd find me or I'd find you, so I held onto them."

Grissom chuckled and squeezed her hand. "He's gorgeous Sara."

Sara smiled and brought his hand to her lips. "He's his father." She kissed his knuckles and closed her eyes.

"You tired?"

"Some pain."

Grissom stood, but she didn't let go of his hand. "Sara?"

"It's ok, it's going. Don't worry." She reassured.

"Ok." He sat down in the chair and rests his head on the bed.

"Go home, see Josh."

He looked at her and shook his head. "I'm staying here. I'm not leaving you again Sara." She smiled and brushed his curls back. Her hand caressed his cheek as he closed his eyes.

* *

The next day, Catherine was sat talking to Sara while the others went to the restaurant for some lunch. Sara's doctors had spoken to her and she wasn't taking the news too well. When Catherine asked her 'the' question, she couldn't hold in the tears.

"How long do you think you'll be here?" Catherine saw Sara's eye water and she pushed herself onto the bed. "Honey, I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked."

Shaking her head she looked up at Catherine. "I don't know how long. I hurt so much I feel everything, the painkillers help, but they don't do the whole job." Tears fell to the pillow. "I don't know what to do Cath. What's going to happen?" She asked seriously and scared to know the answers.

Catherine sniffed the tears back, but they came. "Don't you dare go anywhere ok, you here me Sara?" Sara nodded slowly. "He's showing a wall in front of Josh and the others, but he's breaking apart on the inside. I got him to tell me why he had to come here so quick and he broke down before we got on the plane." Running a gentle hand over her cheek, she smiled sadly. "He said he wouldn't know what to do if something happened. He's scared to death."

Sara's tears flowed as she looked up at her friend. "Promise me one thing?" Catherine shook her head violently. "Cath please."

"No, you will not give in, not now not ever. You're strong Sara, you always have been and I'm not letting you give up because of this." Catherine gestured the room.

Sara ignored her and continued. "Make sure Josh stays with Grissom. He needs him now more than ever."

Catherine stood and walked towards the door. "He has you both and that's how it's going to stay." She opened the door and looked back. "That's how it's always meant to be."

* *

Catherine walked back to the others and sat down. Grissom took note of her angry face. "Cath?" He asked as Sam took Josh to get some juice.

"She's giving up Gil, she's giving up before she's even started."

Grissom's eyes widened with concern. "What do you mean she's giving up? Giving up on what?"

"She made me promise to make sure Josh stays with you. I told her that he had the both of you, but she ignored me. Why is she doing this Gil?" Catherine stared at him and waited, but all she saw was his white face.

"I want to talk to her. Can you look after Josh?" She nodded as he stood.

Josh watched his father leave and turned to Catherine. "Daddy's gone to the bathroom honey. Come sit down and tell me about mummy." Josh smiled and sat down with his juice.

* *

Sara saw the look on his face and closed her eyes. "She wasn't suppose to say anything."

Grissom moved to sit on the bed and grasped her hand in his. "Don't you dare think about leaving me Sara. Don't leave us on our own. I can't do this alone. Please." He begged leaning his head to hers.

Her hand squeezed his while the other ran over his hair and down to his neck. "I'm not getting better Gil. I'm in so much pain it's getting harder to hide it from him." Her voice was quiet as their noses touched and both their eyes were closed with the overwhelming pain they were feeling mentally and physically.

"Tell the doctor, get him to do something." His voice broke as the tears dropped onto her skin.

"They can't do anything. They've done all they can."

He didn't believe that there was nothing more the doctors could do. "There has to be, I don't want you to be in pain. It hurts me to see you in pain, please tell me what to do Sara, I'm so lost." He sobbed and kissed her strongly.

Breaking the long kiss, he saw the pained looked in her face. "I need to see him Gil. I need to tell him."

"I'll get him, but you're not going anywhere." He said firmly.

* *

Grissom sat Josh on Sara's bed. His face was happy then sad. "Mummy."

"Hey little man." Sara's eyes took in every inch of his face. "I need to tell you something ok?"

He nodded. "Ok."

Sara grasped Grissom's hand as she brushed Josh's hair back. "You know that when I got hurt I said I'd be ok?" He nodded again. "You remember me telling you about grandma?" Josh moved closer to her and lay over her chest. Ignoring the light pressure and the pain she continued. "Grandma fell asleep and went to heaven, you remember me telling you?"

Josh's voice was soft. "She went to sleep for a long time and she never woke up." Sara nodded and hugged him gently.

"I want you to remember I will always love you." She stressed kissing his hair.

"I love you too mummy."

Sara's tears came in floods as she held Grissom's hand tighter. "I want you to go with daddy and stay with him. He loves you and will take good care of you, but you have to help him ok?" She asked softly.

Catherine watched from the door as Grissom cried. He sat on the bed with one hand in Sara's and the other rubbing Josh's back. Her own tears fell as she and Sam watched a good friend loose a battle that was too outweighed to fight back.

"I will Mummy." Josh looked into his mother's eyes and began to cry. "I don't want you to sleep mummy."

Sara's heart exploded as she heard his sweet voice. She pulled him close to kiss him as her monitor beeped irregularly. "I love you baby. . . Cath." Sara cried out.

"I got him." Catherine pulled Josh to her and left the room with the little boy crying into her chest.

Grissom frantically scanned her face, memorising each part of her. Her heart monitor beeped again. "Oh god please no, Sara please." He touched every inch of her face as he cried. "Don't do this to me please."

"Gil, Shhh, Come here." She pulled him down and held him. "It's ok. It's going to be ok."

"No it's not." He sobbed burying his nose in her neck. "If you wanted my attention you didn't need to do this."

Sara chuckled at his attempt to comfort them both. "I had to do something." She grinned. Her monitor beeped for a third time and the doctors and nurses filed into the room.

The doctor checked Sara and shook his head. They stepped back to allow them their time. The nurses cried silently in the corner at the scene before them.

"Take care of him please Gil." Sara asked weakly.

Grissom looked at her with fear and nodded. "I promise."

"Don't spoil him. He's just like you, he likes all the things you do. He likes what we do." Sara's eyes closed briefly. "Don't let him date till he's 30."

Grissom laughed and kissed her softly. "I won't." He pushed the tears away with his thumbs. "I want this nightmare to end Sara. You can make it; you'll get well, your Sara Sidle. She never gives up on anything."

She smiled at him and gazed up into his eyes. They stared at each other for what seemed like ages until Sara's eyes began to close. "Gil?"

Grissom moved closer to her. "I'm here."

She pushed her eyes open to look into his bright blue ones. "I love you."

His sobs raked his body as her eyes slipped slowly shut. "I love you so much."

The doctor shut the monitor off and backed everyone out. Grissom moved to lay next to her and let everything out until it drained him completely.

Chapter 6

Pulling himself up, he looked down at her peaceful face. "You're beautiful you know that? I never told you.. I wish I did." He brushed his fingers through her hair and smiled. "I'll take good care of our son. I promised and you know I would never break a promise, especially to you." He stood and lifted her hand to his lips. "I miss you already Sara." Her hand was warm under his lips as he pressed a tender kiss to her soft skin. "Thank you for giving me a chance. I will never forget what we shared. It was very special to me too. More than you know." Laying her hand gently on the blanket, he took a step away. A single tear fell. "God I can't leave." He strained to form the words as he took in the sight of her 'Sleeping' form.

* *

Catherine stood down the hallway with Josh crying and calling for his mummy and daddy. Her heart broke and held him closer. "I want my mummy." He cried again.

"I know honey. I know." She soothed and rubbed his back.

Grissom came out the room and walked up to them. "Josh." His voice was squeaky from all the crying.

Josh turned and immediately cried out for him. "Daddy I want mummy." Grissom pulled him from Catherine and held him tightly. Josh cried into his father's shoulder.

"Shhh. It's going to be alright Josh."

Josh hiccuped as his little body shook. "Mummy's sleeping now isn't she?" He asked gripping Grissom's shirt.

"Yes, mummy's sleeping... Let's go home ok?" Josh nodded and held his father with all the strength he had in his tiny body.

* *

Grissom put Josh in his bed after he'd fallen asleep in his arms on the way home. He sat on the bed and watched him. His hand pulled the covers up and he traced his ear softly. He looked around the room for the first time.

The walls were covered in stencilled forest trees and animals. Birds flying, bugs hiding, rabbits running. The room was like a jungle. Paintings of bugs and animals were pinned to a magnetic board. Toys were in small plastic boxes in the cupboard and sitting on his the nightstand was a picture of Sara and him at the Christmas party from so long ago. He sniffled and rubbed a hand over his face. Standing he closed the door partially and went to the living room where Catherine and Sam sat talking about Sara and Josh.

"At first she was scared to let anyone in, but if you persisted a little here and there she opened up bit by bit and that's how we became friends." Sam laughed lightly with Catherine. "Other than me breaking her patio door with my golf ball." Sam and Catherine chuckled as Grissom sat down and reached for his coffee.

"How is he?" Catherine asked.

Grissom drank some coffee and looked around the room. "Tired. I." Looking around the room again he sighed. "I need to think."

Catherine nodded and motioned for Sam to leave. "Sam offered me a bed for the night. I'll take care of the spider so just get some rest."

Grissom stood and hugged Catherine. "Come by in the morning ok?" Catherine nodded and wiped the tears from his cheek.

"You'll be fine. We're next door if you need anything." He hugged her tighter.

"Thank you." He turned to Sam and pulled her into a hug. "You come too. There is so much to talk about."

"We have time for that later. You get some rest and look after Josh." Sam kissed his cheek and followed Catherine.

"I will." He said closing the door after them.

Turning and leaning against the door, he breathed deeply and closed his eyes. He looked around the room and walked to Sara's bedroom. He sat down on the bed and scanned the room. The bed was soft and big, the walls were a lovely blue, the wardrobe was large and filled with clothes. He kicked off his shoes and turned into the bed. He pulled a pillow to him and breathed in the smell of Sara's shampoo. Tears rolled onto the pillow as he let go and his exhaustion made up for lost time, sending him into deep sleep.

* *

Josh lay next to him quietly and watched him sleeping. He knew it was a different kind of sleep from his mother's and continued to do what he always did when he woke up early. He watched his father now, when it used to be his mother. His face was so like his. The dimple chin, the nose, the eyes, the ears and his curly hair. Josh smiled as he reached out to his father's open hand near his head and traced a line down the middle of his palm.

Grissom felt it and closed his hand on the finger. Gently, he pulled Josh to him and hugged him close. "Hey monster."

"Hey daddy." Josh closed his eyes as Grissom fingered his hair like his mother use to.

"You sleep ok?" Grissom asked lightly.

"No." Josh turned to face him and laid his head on his father's shoulder.

"Me neither." Grissom admitted. "You want some breakfast?"

Josh shook his head and snuggled closer. "Want to stay here with you daddy."

"Ok." He wrapped his arms around him and stayed there comforting each other.

* *

The clock ticked away as he stared at the ceiling. He didn't want to move. He felt like the whole world had ended and if he stayed still long enough that maybe it wasn't true and she would walk through the door.

Josh sensed his eyes on him and he looked up. "Hungry." Josh said.

Grissom smiled. "You're hungry now?" He asked amused.

Josh shook his head and sat up, pulling on Grissom's shirt. "No, you need to eat."

Chuckling as he followed Josh to the kitchen, he asked. "Why do you keep feeding me? I'll get fat."

Josh giggled. "I like cooking."

Grissom remembered something Sara had said to him. "That's your new hobby?"

Pushing Grissom towards the fridge, he pulled out a stool from under the counter. "Mummy said you cook."

Realising something, he helped Josh onto the stool and turned him to face him. "Did mummy tell you a lot about me?"

Nodding, he smiled. "Mummy says to listen to you carefully, you're an eme. eni..."

Grissom laughed as he scrunched up his small face. "An enigma."

"Yep. A walking puzzle, I think." Josh muttered turning to the counter.

Grissom watched as his son turned all his concentration on cooking breakfast. Handing him two eggs and two slices of bread, he helped scramble the eggs and microwave them.

Sitting down at the table to eat, the door opened and Catherine walked in with Sam. Catherine looked at Sam in surprise and approached them.

"You cook breakfast little guy?" Sam hugged Josh from behind. Josh nodded and continued to drop scrambled egg as he stuck a piece of toast into his mouth.

"Help yourself to coffee." Grissom offered.

Catherine sat down with a cup and handed one to Sam. "How you feeling today?"

Grissom finished his food and pushed the plate into the middle of the table. Josh did the same. Grissom picked up his cup and drank from it. Josh picked up his juice and drank some.

Catherine smiled at this and waited for Grissom to notice. Grissom sat back in his seat as did Josh and smirked down at him. "We're fine." Grissom turned to Catherine and became very serious. "I need you to go home and sort some things out for me."

She nodded. "I can do that, but do you want to wait another day? Get use to the routine..." She watched his eyes as they drifted around the house and settled on Josh.

"I'm staying here. It's the best for Josh." Catherine nodded. "I'll explain later what I need done. First Josh and me are going to go down to the beach and walk around."

Sam smiled. "She was definitely right about you." Grissom laughed and prodded Josh in his tummy when he copied him again.

* *

"Josh, do you want to stay here?" Grissom picked his son up and continued to walk down the sandy beach.

"I want to stay with you." Josh rests his head on his father's shoulder and sighed. "I miss mummy."

Grissom closed his eyes and swallowed the pain. "I miss her too."

Josh wrapped his arms around Grissom's neck and looked at the sea. "Can we stay with mummy?"

Grissom looked down and creased his brows in confusion, but soon understood. "We don't have to move. We can stay here and we can be near her then, but Josh." He stopped and sat down with Josh on his legs. "Whenever you feel sad and hurt inside and think mummy's far away, she not. She's right here." Grissom placed one hand over Josh's heart and one over his. "She's inside us all the time. All you have to do is think about her and she'll feel like she's right there, holding you tight. I'm here for you and I love you. You'll always have mummy and me. We both love you."

"I love you too daddy." Grissom's heart ached with happiness at his words. Josh crawled off Grissom's legs and pulled on his arm. "Let's go home."

* *

Catherine went home two days ago to tell the others what had happened and to sort out things with the office. He was on the phone to Nick all day and Warrick for half. Even Brass and Greg rang to send their regards. The funeral was in two days and Grissom was a nervous wreak.


Grissom turned from the front window and saw Josh wrapped in a towel. Sam had bathed him and was now standing dripping wet. As he approached and knelt down, he remembered Sara doing the same thing not long ago. He pulled Josh to him and rubbed the towel against his skin.

"It's ok daddy, she's here." Josh pulled back and placed his small hand over his father's heart.

Nodding and covering his hand, he hugged him again. "Let's get you dried off and into bed little man."

Chapter 7

A knock at the front door brought him out of his thoughts. He was reading a book when something distracted him and he couldn't stop thinking of Sara.

Getting up and opening the door, he was surprised to see the familiar face. "Hey."

"We came when we could. Catherine's next door."

"It's good to see you Nick. Come in." He opened the door wider and let him pass.

"The others are next door too. I thought that I'd see you first. How are you?" Nick sat down on the couch with Grissom.

"I'm still not sure Nick." Grissom removed his glasses and placed them on the table. "I miss her so much."

"We'll all miss her." Nick rubbed his shoulder and looked around the room. "It's nice here."

Grissom smiled and stood. "Come on, I'll show you around."

* *

"Sam, how was he when I left?" Catherine asked sitting at the dining table with Warrick, Greg, Jim and Andy.

"Being brave for Josh, but you can't put much past Josh, he's a smart little boy." Sam smiled at them.

Warrick leaned forward and looked at the photo's Sam had pulled out to show them what life was like for the long years that had past. "He looks so much like them both. Smart, you thinking what I'm thinking Cath?" Warrick grinned at Catherine.

"Oh yeah." Sam looked at them expectantly. "Sidle-Grissom brain. When he reaches his teens we'll have a walking encyclopaedia and handsome young man on our hands."

Andy laughed and poured everyone more coffee. "Surprisingly for his age, he is smart. He loves everything, especially wildlife and oddly enough bugs. I'm not sure why.." Everyone started laughing leaving Andy and Sam at a loss.

Jim put his arm around Cath and squeezed her shoulder. "Grissom's an entomologist, adores bugs like no one else. He would stare at a bug all day and still find it interesting if it squeaked at him." Everyone set off in waves of laughter as they talked about Sara and Josh when they first arrived, what Josh loves to do and what Josh and Grissom have been doing the past few days.

"How's Josh?" Greg asked.

Sam smiled warmly. "He's doing ok, still upset and misses her madly, but he spends every minute with Gil and they are happy. They're comforting each other and are talking. When they got back from the beach the other day, they had a serious talk about what was going to happen now and Josh seemed to understand some of it."

"He's a strong lad, Sara raised him well." Andy added.

"They are staying here?" Warrick asked.

"Yeah, Gil decided it was best for Josh and it would be a good place to start. Be the father he promised he would be and take care of Josh." Catherine explained. "He's changed." She said looking at them all.

"He'll be a great dad." Greg supplied looking down at a picture of Sara and Josh taken only a few months ago.

* *

The day after the funeral was quiet. Grissom and Josh stayed at home and looked through the photos and lay on Sara's bed for hours until they fell asleep. Josh was sleeping while Grissom made something to eat.

That same day, a letter arrived in the post addressed to Grissom, which was odd, because he hadn't changed his address yet. The writing on the envelope took his breath away. He opened it as he sat on the couch.

* *

My dearest Gil

I asked this letter to be sent after. I wanted you to have time alone with Josh. I know you didn't expect this, but neither did I. When I found out I was pregnant I was so scared. I guess we both were and being the typical workaholic-science-nerds, we ran from it. I said I tried to forget. I lied. I remembered every detail, every second of that night.

Love is a rare thing and you gave me something I never thought I'd ever have, a beautiful son. I never told you because I didn't know how. He knew who you were when he saw you for the first time that night. He was so happy in the morning that although you didn't stay to see him, he was happy you were there for a little while.

I know you'll take good care of our son. I know you'll love him as much as I love you both.

I'll give you some parental advise because I know you and that brain of yours will look at a child like a jigsaw puzzle, but I warn you, he does the same and he enjoys puzzles just like you. Watch him and you'll learn a lot about yourself. He's you.

I'll be with you always. I'll be looking down on you both.

I have never loved someone as much as I loved you Gil Grissom and that never changed; it only grew when Josh was born. I had part of you with me all the time and that made me so happy that I had that. I had him.

One last thing, he has your name and you have soul custody if anything should happen, no law problems for you to deal with, just live life and be happy. Joshua Nicholas Grissom is your son and I'm proud of you for being so brave and love him always. You're never alone, there are so many friends out there that are willing to help, so don't be a big head and ask when you need to. You're a different man now Gil, children change you and it's for the better.

I love you with all my heart.


* *

Grissom wiped his eyes clear of the tears and walked to the bedroom. He watched Josh sleep in the middle of the large bed. His body is so small; his dark brown curls hung off his head around his ears and forehead. Grissom knows his eyes are bright blue and they take in everything with a hunger to learn, just light his mother always did with the world. His cheeks are a little chubby and round, but his body is small and thin. His hands and feet look so tiny and he looks so peaceful sleeping there.

Moving to sit next to his son, he reached out and brushed his curls back. His fingers traced his cheekbone to his ear. This action felt so fresh in his mind.

The night he left Sara. Before he fell asleep with her in his arms, he stared into her brown eyes and burned every inch into his brain. His fingers traced her face gently and soothingly; her eyes closed at the sensations and snuggled closer to him. The last thing she remembered was him drawing a line down the middle of her palm and giggling at the tickling, her finger closed around his and they fell asleep.

Tears slowly ran down his cheek as he gazed down at his son. "She showed you how much I would love you didn't she?" He didn't need an answer, he knew. Josh moved closer and clutched at his father's shirt as he lay next to him. "I love you Josh." He whispered into the boy's ear. Josh smiled and opened his little eyes. He stared up at him and studied his face. Grissom pulled him close and closed his eyes.

They'd be fine from now on. They both had each other and they had friends and family around them to help them through this. They weren't alone and never would be.


(I stayed up all night writing this because I couldn't stop. I was crying over the keyboard. I've never done a character death because I couldn't bring myself to write it, but I was feeling down and thinking about a friend and this came to me with a flood of memories. I hope you like it.)