Disclaimer: BTVS is not my toy box,. neither is Harry Potter. The first toy box belongs to Joss Whedon the second to J.K. Rowling. The idea for Draco's insane name, which yes I realize is very very far fetched comes from reading Christpher Golden. A thank you to drangonmage for the inspiration.

Note: Spoilers are S6 BTVS and up to GoF for Harry Potter. There is some slash implications thrown in here for all you D/H shippers, however I'm a D/G shipper at heart that explains why its D/G. Anyway enjoy.

L1: The Hair

Draco Malfoy frowned as he flipped the page of the book he was studying. He was trying to learn new curses so he could be better prepared for Potter when school started up again.

It was a matter of pride, he had to find something.

After the disastrous events on the train at the end of the previous year and his Father's fury afterward he was determined to find something, anything, that would keep him one step ahead of Potter. His Father had decided he needed a tutor, which was part of what he was doing, waiting for his tutor.

Idly he wondered what his tutor would be like, hopefully it would be a woman. As he flipped another page he started as a distinctly male voice suddenly filled the room, "Just my luck, a miniature Angel..."

Disappointed and highly annoyed Draco scowled before looking up from his book to take in his tutor. He choked slightly, it looked like someone had taken him and made him older. However, he, Draco, was intelligent, and this man was obviously an idiot.

"Excuse me?" Draco inquired as he gave his tutor his best haughty look.

"You're a miniature Peaches," the man continued with a look of disgust, "Look at you all broody with the Nancy-boy hair gel. Have to admit if I'd know I'd be teaching a little Angel I might not have taken this job, but then he's a big fluffy puppy with bad teeth and your just a little pup that smells distinctly human so you shouldn't have fangs."

Infuriated Draco snapped his book shut and hissed, "You're friends with that oaf Hagird aren't you? When my Father..."

"Hey! Hey now! Hold on a moment," the man exclaimed, "Whose's this Hagrid fellow?"

"The school's groundskeeper?" Draco tried, then sighed, "He has a dog named Fang and everyone knows that four years ago he kept what he thought was a puppy and its name was Fluffy."

"Hey, that rhymed, no rhyming. Now your Father didn't give me your name so you will."

Draco smirked, "It's my name and I will certainly not be giving it to you."

The man smirked back, "Well someone thinks their big and bad...wasn't going to keep your name Pup, so why don't you..."

"Pup? Pup!" Draco exclaimed in disgust.

"Well Niblet's all good and taken so you'll take what you can get," the man explained.

Draco scowled, this man was more annoying than Potter, but obviously as insane. After regarding him a moment he sneered, "My name is Draco Volan Malfoy and you..."

The man, his tutor, threw back his head and laughed, "You're parents were cruel enough to name you after that?"

"My Mother would have been a demonologist if she hadn't married my Father," he defended, "it's a demon."

"And a bloody hilarious one at that! Have you ever seen one?" the man asked then off of Draco's blank look continued, "Well I have and I can tell you..."

Draco growled, "So you think my names funny do you, I bet yours isn't any better."

"Spike," the man drawled, "I earned it by torturing my victims with railroad spikes."

Oh Merlin his Father was punishing him by getting a mad man for a tutor.

Off the look on Draco's face Spike, the madman, preened, "That's right I'm a bad ass vampire."

"Vampire?" Draco howled in protest.

"That's right, vampire," Spike smirked, "And the first thing we're going to fix is that hair of yours. Can't have you walking around reminding me of Angel."

His tutor, the vampire Spike, threw away all his hair things and left him with nothing but a comb. Then he dragged him to a muggle salon despite the protests of, "When my Father hears about this you're fired."

The girl, who was suppose to be cutting Draco's hair, kept looking from the empty mirror to Spike, then back to the mirror in bewilderment.

"Never mind that pet," Spike, the tutor, told her, "Just get rid of that mess of gel in his hair and cut it a bit to look like mine."

"Yours?" the girl asked distracted as she was still looking back and forth between the mirror and Spike.

"My hair, you twit, make his look like mine."

The woman nodded dully her gaze still going back and forth from the mirror to Spike.

"Just cut his hair now, you twit!"

She stared at him blankly, then peaked into the mirror.

Spike growled.

Draco's hair was cut shortly thereafter.

L2:The Nails

"Let me see your nails."

Draco gave his tutor a scowl before turning back to the mirror and trying to fix his hair.

"Your hair is perfect, it looks just like mine. If you don't like it like that trying spiking it up a bit, the lady's love that," Spike told him before commanding, "Now let me see your nails."

With an exasperated sigh Draco set down his comb and presented his nails. They were perfectly clipped, filed and clean, they were the nails of an aristocrat.

Spike took one look at Draco's hands before pushing them away in disgust and grumbling, "Just bloody awful. They're just beyond awful. Now you'll go get those nice and dirty, flayed and chipped before I see you tomorrow."

Draco frowned as his tutor walked away, Spike had had a nervous twitch when he'd said the word 'chipped'.

Draco was once again presenting his hands.

"I told you to get them good and dirty so they wouldn't look so awful, not for you to keep them dirty. No one's going to want you to touch them if your hands are nasty like that. Go get them washed."

Once they were clean Draco once again presented his hands to his tutor, who while he might be one of the living undead he was obviously mad. Draco's faith in Spikes sanity fell further when the vampire brought out a bottle of nail polish.

"Absolutely not!" Draco hissed in horror, "I'm not a girl and as much as you seem to like to think it I'm not gay."

"Calm down Pup," Spike told him, "or you'll have me thinking you are. Now nail polish, black nail polish, is part of the look. You can defeat your enemies all you want but if you don't look the part of the Big Bad then you don't strike fear into their hearts. And that's what it's all about, Pup, fear and making their blood boil."

"You want me to make Potter's blood boil by wearing nail polish?"

"It's sexy and when you're fighting working up a load of sexual tension is a good thing."

"Potter's a guy!" Draco protested looking terrified.

Spike only smirked, "Well you do know that if you're homophobic like that it generally means your gay and your homophobia seems directly related to this Potter kid so..."

Draco barely managed a strangled choking noise before he presented his nails and proceeded to learn how to paint them.

L3:The Clothes

"Now looking the part means you lose those robes of yours. How's a woman, or Potter, suppose to admire your body if you keep it all hidden."

"I refuse to walk around naked."

"I didn't ask you to Pup, but now that you mention it from now on you'll sleep in the nude."


"It'll be good for you, trust me."

"You're a vampire."

"That's a good point, but I'm still your tutor and if I tell you to start sleeping naked you'll sleep naked. Are we clear on that Pup?"

Draco grumbled.

"Good," Spike smirked before throwing some clothes at him, "Change into these."

Draco scowled at the black jeans and t-shirt, "These are muggle things."

"How do you know?"

"The material is muggle," Draco protested again with a scowl added in for good measure.

"And you have a problem with that?"

"Muggle things are disgusting! They..."

Draco didn't get to finish, his tutor was in his face no longer looking human, Draco could even make out the fangs. Spike growled, "I happen to like muggle things and you'll cease to insult them. Are we clear Pup?"

Draco whimpered.

"Good, now get out of my sight and get dressed."

Draco scampered away as if his life depended on it. Moments later Spike was standing outside Draco's room, "What seems to be the problem, Pup?"

"These stupid clothes don't fit," Draco grumbled through the door.

Spike sighed exasperated, "Are you trying to put them on with you underthings?"

A horrified answer came through the door, "Of course I am."

"Well lose them, Pup."

"What? You can't be serious."

"Trust me pup, it's part of the look. Besides one day you'll meet someone you really want and you'll thank me."

After Draco finally managed to get into his 'muggle clothes' he presented himself to his tutor.

"They're tight," he whined, "and they look like someone painted them on, you can see everything."

"That's the point, makes the women," Spike pause to consider this, "and sometimes the men, swoon. They won't feel so tight one you get use to them."

Draco groaned.

"Don't like all black?" Spike inquired with a frown.

Draco glared before telling him dryly, "Some color would be nice."

"Right then, I'll get you some red overshirts."


"Like blood."

"You and blood," Draco muttered.

"Hey! I'm a vampire and despite that it's always blood...Hey now! You weren't supposed to tune me out."

"You were going on and on abut blood," Draco told him, "How can you wonder I'd chose not to listen? Now what did you do with my robes?"

"They made you look like you were trying to be Dracula and I've met the guy-and even he doesn't look that ridiculous."

"Where are they?" Draco grated.

"Well if someone isn't getting demanding. There good and gone and that's all you need to know."

"But I'll get cold," Draco whined.

For a moment Spike looked like he hadn't thought of that.

"Forgot you weren't a vampire. Well don't worry Pup. Your father's got money, we'll get you a leather duster like mine. That'll keep you warm. Course you won't have killed for it so it won't be the conversation piece that mine it, but it'll have to do."

Draco groaned. After this summer his Father was going to be very lucky if he didn't start rebelling in the worst way he could thing of.

L4: Significant Other:

"Now half of who you are is the person you're in love with," Spike explained.

"Girl," Draco amended, "Girl you're in love with.

"Woman," Spike told him, "not girl. Call the woman you're in love with that and she'll make you wish you hadn't. Now you're to always love the one you're with. They're your Princess, your Dark Goddess. Your world begins and ends with the person your in love with."

Draco gave him a skeptical look, "What if they don't love you?"

Spike's face fell for a moment as he muttered something about ungrateful pups before he continued, "Then you make them love you. You risk everything for the sake of love, even if it means beating her Daddy with a crow bar or..."

"Beating a girl's father with a crowbar is going to endear me to her?" Draco asked looking very uncertain.

"Sometimes it takes drastic measures to get a woman to love you. So now all we need to do if find you one. Got any female enemies?"

"Granger?" Draco hissed in protest, "You want me to love Granger?"

Spike gave him a skeptical look, "Well find me a picture, I haven't got all night."

Grumbling about how much he couldn't stand Granger Draco went and got his yearbook. When he presented the pictures of the Gryffindors in his year and pointed out Granger Spike asked, "Why aren't half the students in their picture?"

Spike frowned at the book then shook it for good measure.

"They're wizarding picture you idiot," Draco explained, "They move."

Spike seized Draco by his shirt and growled, "What did you call me?"

"Nothing," Draco squeaked.

Spike's response was to smirk and say, "Now if you can't stand him and he's your enemy explain to me why there is a heart around this Potter kid's picture."

Draco grumbled, "Somehow the youngest Weasley got a hold of it and she wrote and drew all these things in it."

"She?" Spike inquired.

"Oh no! She's worse then Granger, she's a Weasley! Everyone knows Malfoy's and Weasley's hate each other!"

Spike smirked, "Show me."

Scowling Draco flipped the book till he got Ginny Weasley's year. She grinned up at him cheekily and he scowled at the note she'd left by her name.

See you next year Ferretboy, lots of curses -Ginny.

Spike's smirk got bigger, "She's perfect and it'll be the perfect way to repay your Father for getting a vampire to tutor you over the summer don't you think?"

"Well when you put it that way..." Draco said slowly as he paused to consider this.

"One more point. Always listen to the person your with. Even if it makes no sense to you at the time it could hold shades of deeper meaning."

"Aww, that was almost philosophical...did it hurt? Must have I can smell you're brain burning from here," Draco sneered as he pretended to sniff the air.


"Hey is for horses," Draco told him snidely.

"Straw is cheaper, grass if free, buy a farm get all three. Don't mess with me pup, I'm bigger and I'm badder."

L5 Fighting:

"Finally," Draco sighed, "Now what kind of curses are you going to teach me? Something nasty I hope."

"Curses? Why do you need curses?"

"To fight Potter!" Draco told him as he wondered why his tutor was so stupid at times.

"Fighting isn't about foolish wand waving and curses. Fighting is about beating your enemy down. It's about jumping into the fray all fists and fangs."

Draco gave the vampire before him a weary look before slowly pointed out, "I don't have fangs."

"Errr, right," Spike mused, "Well give it time."

"What?" Draco questioned as he backed towards the door.

"What? Fangs not good enough for you?"

"No," Draco told Spike who was stalking towards him, "I just happened to like my teeth as they are."

"Right, sure you do. Now block my punch."

Draco got hit on the side of his face and went down hard his ears ringing even before he heard Spike's cry of pain. So the first thing Spike taught him was how to defend himself, then he taught him how to add in attacks of different punches and kicks.

"And use your environment," Spike taught, "Use everything around you to beat down your enemy, because your the Big Bad and they're just your enemy. That means they're beneath you."

Draco frowned, there was the nervous tick again.

"Right so now you can hold your own in a fist fight so I'm going to teach you the most important thing to remember when fighting."

Draco leaned in eagerly.

Spike paused.

"When you're about to kill your enemy make sure an angry ax wielding mother is not present."

The Results:

Draco preened as he took himself in. He had to admit that he did look good. Still this look was too much his tutor's. He was already planning on growing his hair back out. He was also going to get rid of all those stupid red shirts. Who wanted clothes that were a Gryffindor color? No green and silver worked for him. He hadn't decided about the nail polish. Perhaps he would keep it, perhaps he wouldn't. One thing was certain, he looked good.

He was also looking forward to the coming school year. Potter was going to regret not excepting his hand when he offered it. Potter was going to regret every curse he had ever uttered. Potter, Weasley and Granger were all going to regret laughing over the ferret incident.

He was also going to win over the youngest Weasley. At first the idea had only vaguely appealed to him, but over the summer his feelings towards her had grown. Every now and then he'd peek at her picture. He'd glare at her and she'd glare back. He's smirk down at her and her picture would give him a smile. It left him feeling elated. Suddenly Potter didn't matter because this ferret was certain he'd get himself a weasel.

"Look at me! Look at me," his tutor mocked from behind him, "I'm just so big and bad."

Draco jumped startled then turned to scowl at his tutor disapprovingly. He was more than sick and tired of Spike not having a reflection. Spike delighted in startling him while he was admiring himself.

"What do you want?" Draco asked exasperated.

"I'm the teacher, I don't need a reason to talk to you," Spike informed him, "I talk you listen. I say jump, you say how high."

Draco rolled his eyes and turned back to his mirror. Spike grabbed him and spun him around, "When I'm talking Pup, you'll listen."

"I thought you were leaving...leave already."

Spike frowned, "I am. I came to say goodbye is all."

"Goodbye then," Draco told him as he turned back to his mirror.


"What? Getting sentimental in your old age?" Draco sneered.

"Just wanted to take a look at the finished product is all. I out did myself this time, is I do say so myself..."

Draco snorted trying not to laugh, "Sure."

Draco smoothed out his shirt and tilted his head looking at himself before he asked, "Where are you going?"

"Haven't decided yet."

"Will you be coming back?"

"I may stop in to see how you and your girl are doing."

Draco smirked, "Any advice there?"


Draco frowned and turned to look at him, "What?"

"Poetry, girls love it."


"Just remember one thing."


"Poetry is meant to be bloody awful."

Draco nodded, "Got it."

Then he turned back to the mirror and tilted his head again. He turned slightly to look at himself the other way. He had to smile, he looked so good.

After it had been silent for a moment he began to wonder if Spike had left. With a frown he asked, "What are you thinking?"

Spike came up behind him and turned him to stand just in front of the mirror. Draco glanced at him a moment before he looked back to just looking at himself.

"Well," Spike told him, "who needs a refection when I have you."