This was one of those "hyper at 3 am" fics. Which means it shouldn't be taken at all seriously.

What do Inuyasha's butt, Kagome's purse, and a neon armadillo have in common? Read to find out! Most major characters featured. Rated for some adult themes. R&R is always appreciated.

And, I don't own Inuyasha. *sniffles* It's so sad, really.

________ "Meanwhile, in another part of the forest."
by: Banshee Puppet

"But I'm hungry, now," Shippo moans as his stomach growls and he digs through Kagome's pack once again in search of anything edible. "I already told you Shippo, you and Inuyasha already finished all of the food I brought with me," Kagome said with a sigh as Inuyasha tilted over the last empty package of instant ramen with a rather disgruntled look on his face. "Well, it can't be helped. We'll simply have to find something to eat here," Sango said. "How hard can it be?"

Three hours later..

A loud grumbling sound can be heard. "Inuyasha, was that your stomach?" Kagome asked in disbelief. "NO!" Inuyasha said, about to add more that would indefinitely earn him a "sit" on top of his starvation, but was distracted by Miroku's voice. "Sorry Kagome, that was me," the monk apologized with a hand on his stomach. "All this searching for food has gotten to me." "How hard can it be?" Sango grumbles. "Me and my big mouth." "I found food I found food I found food!" Shippo cheers happily, only to have Inuyasha nearly jump for joy, in that arrogant, you're-just-a-little- kid-so-I'm-better-than-you-and-stop-hogging-all-Kagome's-attention kind of way he has of behaving around the kitsune pup. But sure enough, as starved eyes widened in disbelief at the sheer number before them, the famished group was relieved. The field might as well have had a sign hanging at it's entrance that read, "here be mushrooms," because, quite frankly, there be a lot of them. Though normally Inuyasha would rather meat, or instant ramen, he was in no position to be picky, and started yanking the things up. "Just let us COOK them before we eat them," Kagome said, noting that Shippo had already forgotten that you shouldn't eat them raw. "We could get sick if we don't." (Kagome, you have no idea.).

So, the group collected quite a few of the mushrooms, found a place to build a fire, and with the assistance of Kagome's magical backpack(which can fit everything and anything including the kitchen sink, which she has never told me is NOT in there), they had a frying pan and some spices to make the mushrooms taste a little less mushroomy and a little more like food. (Forget the fact that you shouldn't just put anything on mushrooms that you find in the middle of a field around which no other living things seem to exist other than a few flowers that obviously don't eat mushrooms, and chock the lack of knowledge on this matter to be an unfortunate side affect of hunger, and, well, anyway.they make their mushrooms and eat until everyone is rather full and then settle down for the night and fall asleep.)

The next morning.

Everything appears to be fine. I mean, the sun is shining, the birds are singing, the squirrels are flaming.wait, the squirrels are flamers? That doesn't sound right. Oh well, on with the story..Everything appears to be normal and it's a beautiful day.

Inuyasha is the first to awaken and cannot suppress a contented smile at the sun shining and the birds singing. He doesn't seem to find it at all odd that the birds happen to be singing "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee" while dancing in a conga line or that there are flaming squirrels joining in on the number while forming the effective equivalent of a synchronized circle of fire around one fluorescent purple armadillo named Goober who looks really confused and has no idea how he ended up in this fic to begin with (Goober, you're just cute, accept it and move on darlin'). Inuyasha takes in the wonderful floral scent in the air as he hops down from his tree and goes starry-eyed as he watches Kagome sleep. He kneels down and brushes some hair from her face, but suddenly, at the thought that she might awaken, he gets very self conscious and starts looking around for something behind him that he can't seem to see. Do these pants make my butt look big? he wonders, before deciding that, no, his butt doesn't look big, at least, he doesn't think it does, and will have to ask someone.someone other than Kagome.when they awaken. In the meanwhile, he's decided he's going to go pick some flowers for his lovely flower in an attempt to romantically woo her, get her to go on a date with him, and if all goes exceptionally well, perhaps by the end o the night he'll be able to kiss her hand, tell her for the thousandth time how the stars are beautiful but nothing in comparison to her eyes (which, mind you, aren't star-colored at all), and ask her if she would be gracious enough to attend him for a second date, at which point he'll have to begin preparing a month in advance to assure that it's at least ten percent more romantic and perfect than the first one. With an inward sigh, he heads off into the forest to look for a flower for his love that would indefinitely pale in comparison, so why bother, other than the simple fact that it's terribly romantic and he can only hope that she thinks so too.

Sango awakens with a stretch and a yawn. She raises an eyebrow at the strange dancing pigeons and throws a rock at the flaming squirrels which bounces off of Goober the Neon Armadillo's rough hide and pelts one of the squirrels in the face. The squirrel falls over unconscious which ensues a small dramatic act of the other squirrels mourning over the death of their lost loved one while Goober attempts to sneak out of the fic, but being neon purple, is easily spotted and quickly snatched by the tail by one of the pigeons, who have wrapped up their musical number and moved onto "Who wears short shorts". (And before you ask, yes they are.) But something shifting to her right distracts Sango's attention from the can-canners and she licks her lips at what she sees. With a light groan at the noise, being completely unready or willing to awaken as yet, Miroku rolls over and buries his head under one deep blue sleeve in an attempt to block out both the morning light and the terrible rendition of Aretha Franklin's "RESPECT", when something on his ass makes him jump. "EEP!" Well, he was up now that was for certain. "S-S-Sango! Wh-what are you doing?!" he asks in a panic, especially given Sango's coy expression. "Why, I was feeling your nice, round, firm buttocks of course," she said as she stood and moved towards him. He backed up for each step that she took towards him. "W-why?" he asked nervously, pulling at the throat of his robes as he cleared his throat and backed into a tree. "Because you have a nice butt," she said seductively as she stood right in front of him, putting one hand over either shoulder to prevent his escape. "I'd like to see what it looks like naked," she added licking her lips. "N-naked!?!" Miroku gulped, trying to figure how he was going to get out of this as Sango's left hand started trailing down his face, neck, chest. "S- sango, don't get me wrong, you're a beautiful, desirable woman b-but." "You're in love with that Kagome girl, aren't you," she scowled. "No! No. It's just, erm I." "then there's nothing in our way," and her hand was still trailing downwards. They both knew where it was going. "I want to wait until I'm married!" he yelped out just before she could get any more intimate and he dodged to his right and ran into the forest. Sango sighed and after looking around the camp and taking out another squirrel, she headed after him, calling, "no need to be shy. Just because you're a man of the cloth doesn't mean you aren't allowed to enjoy a "little" carnal pleasure. You just don't know how fun bondage can be until you try it..Miroku! Come back here!"

Now Shippo awakens, noting the birds and the squirrels who are still acting out the long and painful(as in badly-acted as opposed to physical pain, though it's causing me physical pain to have to watch it) death scene for now two of their fellow squirrels. He waves his hands in the air agitably and says, "NO NO NO!!!! YOU'RE DOING IT ALL WRONG! START OVER!" (Oh god, Shippo, no. Please no, don't make them do it again! *breaks out into a hysterical fit*) But before anyone can do anything, Shippo is sent flying by a tree branch. "Kagommmmeeeeeeee??" his voice trails off as he goes flying into the forest. "There will be no more singing. No more dancing. No more hideous acting!" she orders. "And the first person who suggests "Hakunah Matata" is getting executed, publicly-hung.NO! Burned at the FUCKING STAKE!!!! Everybody out!" (Kagome, you're my new hero, I swear.) The pigeons and squirrels look rather upset, but goober looks grateful, until Kagome picks him up by the tail and says, "nah, you're okay, you can stay," then flings him absently into some underbrush. She stretches out her back, looks around at all the happy peaceful surroundings, says, "Feh!" and cracks her knuckles. She starts hopping around and shadow boxing, hoping that if she stays in one place long enough a demon'll come by for her to fight, because fighting sounds like fun and right now she's extremely bored. Hey! Naraku was a demon, and a strong one, right? Yeah! Great Idea! she thinks and decides to go seek him out. (Not to bright, but at least she's an eager beaver.) A beaver falls from the sky. (No No No!!! I didn't say "I need a beaver!" I said. I mean I meant.oh, never mind!)

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Inuyasha is really quite stumped. Would Kagome prefer yellow roses, or pink ones? And for that matter, was one rose more romantic, or a dozen? Surely if a dozen was romantic, than two dozen would be even more romantic still, ne? Hearing a rustling sound in the bushes and a groan, Inuyasha jumps and screams like a scared little girl. He sighs with relief when he sees Shippo. "Oh, Shippo, it's only you. Hey! It's you! Great, I gotta these pants make my butt look big?" "Your.butt?" Inuyasha nods enthusiastically, turning around so that Shippo (who doesn't want anything to do with Inuyasha's butt) can get a better look. "Gah! Put that thing away!" Shippo complains. "A garment cannot make a part of your body anything other than what it is. The size of your butt, as you say, will always be the size of your butt, and not the size of someone else's butt. Therefore." "You think I have a big butt, don't you," Inuyasha sniffles. "Do you think Kagome likes my butt?" Shippo sweatdrops, but this doesn't stop Inuyasha who's on a roll. "Oh! And roses, do you know anything about roses? I." But now Shippo is on a roll, telling Inuyasha the entomology of the word rose, going into names of different roses and where they grow and ending up on symbolic colors and the rose's role in greek drama. (nevermind that Shippo has no way of knowing so much information, when you've been drugged by a magic mushroom and some oregano, weird shit happens, okay?). Anyway, the end result is Inuyasha falling asleep about five minutes into the conversation while Shippo rattles on for another three hours.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, (Ah, qualifiers!) Miroku is being hunted down by a very horny, and now very naked youkai hunter. The pigeons and squirrels are back and are now grunging it up to "I wanna fuck you like an animal" as a rather panicked Miroku runs through the river hoping the psychotically hormonal woman chasing him will lose his scent. No such luck, since she can see him and running through water is only slowing him down. He falls to the shore, exhausted, and Sango lunges herself at him, officially groping him for all that he's worth (and maybe a little more than he's worth). "Don't be so difficult," she tells him sweetly. "But! Sango! I'm saving myself for my future wife!" Miroku shrieks. And now we get a nice view of all the pretty clouds, which, strangely all seem to be leaning towards some very S&M shapes as our dirty little imaginations work and we hear Sango say, "honey, you can call me whatever you want." We look at the pretty clouds for a while while hearing a series of grunts and "yes, oh gods yes!"es. Then a stretch of silence and Miroku, teary- eyed now, sniffles, "I feel so used." Sango yawns and stretches, saying, "use me anytime you want, you gorgeous hunk of man flesh." (Boy is she gonna regret this when she's no longer under the spell of a magical mushroom!)

Meanwhile, Inuyasha has woken up again and has decided to pick a dozen of each of the roses when he reaches into the bushes and armadillo? "Hi. I'm Goober. Do you know how to get to the post office?" the armadillo says. But before Inuyasha can answer, Shippo is off on a tirade about armadillos. "You know, the armadillo's thick shell protects it from most predators, but it can't escape the Jaguar, who's strong jaw can bite right through that casing. The jaguar usually kills it's prey by biting into it's skull, causing instantaneous death, and.) Both Inuyasha and Goober are now asleep (and I'm thinking that after listening to Shippo lecture about Goober's unfortunate fate as Jaguar food for an hour, I'm about ready to join them.)

Meanwhile in another part of the forest, Kagome is beating up on Jaken because, well she can't find Naraku and Sesshomaru is too busy ignoring her to fight with her. And frankly, she doesn't have the tetsusaiga, so what could he gain from bothering anyway. She tosses Jaken over her shoulder with a sigh and says, "well that was no fun at all! You wanna fight now?" she asks Sesshomaru. "No." "Just checking." " wouldn't perchance know where we could find something to eat, would you?" he says. "Actually, I do! It's this way. You don't know where there are any strong demons I can fight, do you? I can't find Naraku anywhere, the bum." "Oh, they're all at the Evil Villans Discussing their failed Master Plans assembly. It's like the elks for egoists. They meet once a week in Memphis." "Oh. Why Memphis?" Sesshomaru shrugs. "Something about Elvis. I don't get it either." "So why aren't you there." "I'm not an evil villan." "You're not? Since when?" "Since I have no desire to discuss my evil maniacal plans out loud in front of any and all of my servants who can't be trusted and will spill the beans to the enemy like the rest of the idiots that attend those ridiculous things, where they can be spied on by GreenPeace while they drink tea and eat French pastries with the FBI who are no smarter than they are and give them confidential information in exchange for Darrel Strawberry baseball cards, and listen to old rock music at the Hard Rock Café while attempting to spot Elvis who has been dead for at least twenty years, or so I hear." "Oh. Okay..Darrel Strawberry?" "I know, that's what I told them. They should at least ask for Babe Ruth, maybe be brought down a bit and settle for Don Mattingly, but, like I said, not very smart." "Good point.Well, here it is." "Thanks. I owe you one." "I'll call it even if you fight with me." "No." "Bummer." "Nice try though." "Thanks. Later!" And she leaves Sesshomaru, Rin, and Jaken, in a field full of magical mushrooms. Sesshomaru picks one up, sniffs it, and shrugs. "Well, they appear to be edible," he observes.


"Hey. Get up! I said get up! NOW!!" Jaken hisses as he thwaps Sesshomaru over the head with his skull staff. Sesshomaru finds himself rubbing the pain out of his, now ringing skull, as he opens his eyes, and blinks at the toad demon. "Jaken?" he asks. "What.?" "You're human child is being a pain in the ass. Go deal with her!" Jaken snaps as he sits on his haunches gruffly. "Oh, sorry," Sesshomaru says, still half asleep as he heads over to where Rin is setting fire to singing pigeons. The song is now a very off-beat rendition of "Monster Mash", and it has gaping holes of no music, since the poor pigeons are trying to escape imminent death at the hands of the sadist human child who is using flaming squirrels to set them on fire. (The squirrels aren't happy about being manhandled either, by the way.) Seeing this, Sesshomaru sits down next to Rin and says, "Rin, dear, that isn't very nice. Please put the squirrel down." "Don't be such a wuss," she snaps, then tosses the squirrel in his face and says, "well, whatever. You're crampin' my style. I'm outta here!" and Rin storms off. After patching up the poor damaged animals, Sesshomaru wonders aloud what he did wrong in Rin's upbringing and why Jaken is being so darn bossy, and in his musings, as he wanders through the forest, he almost trips over a neon armadillo. (yes Goober, that's your cue.) "Ahem," Goober says. "Do you know how to get to the post office?" "The, no, I'm sorry." He's about to wander off again, feeling that someone is most definitely in imminent danger and it is his duty as the great Sesshomaru of the western lands to save them, when he realizes something. "Um. Why can you talk?" "Oh, I ate some of the same bad mushrooms you did, and now I can talk and am on a quest for a post office that undoubtedly won't even be invented for at least another four-hundred years. Don't worry, my informants tell me we'll all be back to normal in a few days." "Oh. Well, nice talking to you. I strangely feel the need to go rescue a damsel in distress right now." "Sure. See ya later," Goober says in a very Eeore-esque fashion.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Kikyo has been wandering in search of Inuyasha and Kagome who she hopes to bring down to hell with her and kill, respectively, when she stumbles across a field full of mushrooms, and deciding suddenly that she's actually quite hungry.(well, you get the picture.) When she awakens, she finds herself surrounded by pigeons singing, "When I come around" in british accents that are just about as bad as Green Day's bad british accents, none of them being at all british, unless you count pigeon Bob's grandmother, who, likes tea and crumpets, but only when drunk. Kikyo stands up and decides that instead of bringing Inuyasha down to Hell with her, wouldn't it be more fun to join the pigeon dance squad and tour the world, become absolutely rich and famous until her lover cheats on her, at which point she'll start doing drugs and become anorexic, her singing voice will lose it's nice tone thanks to the fact that she is now a lonesome, bitter chain smoker who's breasts are sagging and no one wants to look at her anymore because she's absolutely gross in hot pants, and THEN she'll drag Inuyasha down to hell with her. But in the meantime, while she's still young and beautiful, and yes, still not actually alive or capable of aging, but she's forgotten that because she's under the influence of bad mushrooms, she'll chuck her priestess garbs and join the pigeon dance party with her bright pink hot pants and gold sequined Madonna brazier, pulling her ponytail up high on her head, because let's face it that's jut way more sexy and worthy of singing songs by the B-52s. So Kikyo joins in with the pigeons, even though they only let her be a backup singer, she figures she can work her way up, and they all start singing "hot pants."

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Sesshomaru has mistaken Kagome for a maiden in distress and she tosses him a good distance for thinking that she could ever need help, because after all, she's the great warrior Kagome and now under the full effect of the killer mushrooms from hell, has adopted all of Jakie Chan's moves and decided it might be fun to wrestle some alligators and has no time for explaining to Sesshomaru exactly why she isn't a maiden in distress, and how completely chauvinistic it is of him to think otherwise.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, a helicopter lands and Naraku steps off wearing an elegant business suit and waving farewells to his fellow evil villans like Mojo Jojo, who reminds him that next week it's Naraku's turn to bring the movie Marathon, since he's the only one who actually owns all of the Hercules Movies. Naraku nods, smiles and waves his fellow evil villans adieu, after another diatribe about his evil plans for the next three scenes, which never come to pass because he sees some really delicious-looking mushrooms as the helicopter takes off once again..

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Sesshomaru gets up from being thrown, only to immediately hear a very feminine scream. And after a superhero "aha!" pose, he asserts that it is most definitely a maiden in distress, and is rather surprised to find A rather naked Sango chasing after an equally naked Miroku who's making every attempt to get his clothes back on, but having a hard time of doing so while running, and Sesshomaru for a moment isn't really sure which one he's supposed to save. He leaps into the air and lands between the two, asking, "what is the meaning of this!" is the deep superhero tone that he has suddenly aquired, and Miroku takes on look at him, says "my hero" and passes out from his total bish-ness. Sango on the other hand, looks at Sesshomaru hungrily, now that Miroku is unconscious and no longer fun, and, with a gulp, Sesshomaru says, " you need assistance fair maiden? I, the great Sesshomaru of the western lands, righter of wrongs, have a duty to." "Oh, you're just in time," she says in her best coy voice. "If I don't get laid soon, I'm absolutely going to shrivel up! You have to help me!" Somewhat reluctantly, Sesshomaru nods. He didn't really want to, but, if she was in distress, it was his duty to aid her in whatever way possible.wasn't it? We see the pretty S&M sky again and then to the birds, and Kikyo, on the rocks doing a number to "in the heat of the night".

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, Naraku wakes up and smiles happily at the flowers and the blue sky, and the pigeons and squirrels.and Kikyo, who are now all singing "stairway to heaven". He's really happy and feeling the peace and love and man, does he love mushrooms and.suddenly, out of nowhere, Kagome appears with an alligator handbag slung over her shoulder. "There you are! Let's fight!" she tells him. "Fight? Why would I want to do that. I'm a non-violent sort of evil villan, ya know." "Since when?" "Aw, baby, don't step on my cloud," he complained, and as a result was flung into another part of the forest where Inuyasha is trying to stay conscious long enough to pick flowers for his lovely delicate flower, Kagome. "Uh, Naraku?" he asks, as the villan lands in the bushes. "Oh, hi Inuyasha man. You're girlfriend is one heavy chic, ya know." "You saw Kagome? Where is she?" Inuyasha asks in a panic. "About five miles that-a-way," he gestures then passes out. "Oh, he fell asleep. I was gonna ask him if he thought these pants made my butt look big," Inuyasha frowns, finally having picked all his flowers and wandering off after Kagome, while Shippo follows him so he can continue his lecture. Inuyasha yawns.

Meanwhile in another part of the forest, Goober is STILL looking for the post office.

Meanwhile in another part of the forest, Sango has had her way with Sesshomaru, who is now fast asleep next to the still unconscious Miroku, and has headed off, only to find Naraku asleep in the rose bushes. She wakes him with a kiss, which he doesn't mind at all, and he only manages to get out the phrase, "hey baby," before we find the pigeons and squirrels and Kikyo starting in on "Love Shack".and well, with a naked, horny Sango, and a hippy Naraku, we're all pretty damn sure of what's going on. We get another nice view of the clouds and hear lots and lots of grunting. Anyways.

Meanwhile in another part of the forest, Inuyasha is professing his undying love to Kagome, who's really rather bored with it. "If you don't want to fight with me then I'm not interested," she tells him, and he cries. "You think my butt is big, don't you?" he sobbs. "Your butt???" she asks, looking rather confused.

Meanwhile, in another part of the forest, after a generous helping of some very tasty mushrooms, Kaede has decided to take up breakdancing and returns to the village to show all the others how well she can bust a move. (I hope she doesn't bust a hip. She's old, ya know.)

Before long everyone has fallen asleep, and morning comes around. Shippo is wondering why all of a sudden he knows so much about Armadillos, and why anyone would want to. Inuyasha is trying to pick rosebuds out of his hair while Kagome is wondering when she got an alligator skin purse. Sango found herself still lying on top of Naraku who's looking as startled and cofused as she is, and now is off trying to figure out where she left her clothes, and finds them back at camp.thank god no one was there. But Naraku followed after her to find out what the hell happened the day before because he can't remember anything except somebody stepping on his cloud, and he's wondering how he got a cloud in the first place and who stepped on it.and why he woke up naked with the demon exterminator on top of him, but that's secondary to the whole cloud thing. On a side note, he's rather sad that he didn't spot Elvis while at his conference. Rin wakes up with a flaming squirrel in her hand, thinks it's cute and wants to play, but doesn't understand why it's so afraid of her. Jaken, who hadn't moved all day, realizes he doesn't know where Sesshomaru is and runs off to search for him. Miroku and Sesshomaru wake up at about the same time next to each other and rather naked, wondering what the hell happened the night before and realizing each in his turn that they feel as if they got laid. Sesshomaru sits up startled, doing the math and figuring that. "Did we?" Miroku began to stutter, doing the same math. "I.think so. Why did we?" Sesshomaru asks, then remembers Goober telling him about the bad mushrooms and groans. He never wants to see a mushroom again in his life. Miroku shrugs, then wonders. "Um.was it good?" "I.think so. You?" "I.think so as well." A few minutes of silence pass as they look at each other, then away from each other, then back at each other. "Do you wanna make sure?" Miroku asked. "..Uh. Okay." Anyway, back to a shot of the clouds which are no longer S&M, but now appear to be all hearts and cute little teddy bears.

Everyone makes it back to camp, eventually. Though Naraku, discovering no one knows anything about his cloud decides it's a conspiracy and heads off to tell the flaming squirrels all about his next evil plan. Kaede hides in her hut, and Kikyo quits the dance team, deciding that dead people don't dance. Jaken and Rin find one another, but not Sesshomaru, who, after having just.double-checked things with Miroku had decided, quite to his surprise, that yes, in fact, it was good, and ended up back at camp with his brother. It was getting dark and Miroku was asking Sango to bear a child for him and his new lover, and not doing well of it, unless getting hit over the head repeatedly with a VERY large boomerang counts as making progress. Sesshomaru turns bright red and Rin finds him, comes over gives him a huge hug, and Miroku turns around, "who's that?" he asks. "Rin," Sesshomaru answers simply. "My ward." Miroku grins happily. "We have a daughter!" he says, and this time gets hit by Inuyasha, who's had about enough. Kagome suddenly recalls something and turns to Inuyasha, realizing she'd hurt his feelings, she whispers into his ear, "Inuyasha, I think you have a very nice butt." Inuyasha turns beet red. Shippo suddenly asks, is anyone else hungry, and yes, in fact, they all are. "Did somebody say food?" Kouga asks as he walks out of the forest. "Because I found a field full of mushrooms." Everybody screams at once, "NO MORE MUSHROOMS!!!" and Kouga throws his hands up in the air. "Okay, geez, just a suggestion." But they're all still hungry, and now they see the formerly verbal, post- office seeing armadillo named Goober, and eye him hungrily. Realizing what is on their minds, Goober tries to run away as fast as possible, but you see, Armadillo's aren't very fast..

~The End~

_________ hoookay!!! Well, that's that! I have, for a long time been pondering on the sequel to this, but can't seem to get in the right mood. Anyway though! R &R. And vote! The more votes I get the more likely I am to get off my ass and get myself hyper-enough to write the sequel to this.

Vote for what? Weeeellll..I'm glad you asked! *claps hands together and rubs them maniacally* Who's the daddy of Sango's baby? Is it, Miroku, Sesshomaru, or Naraku!!! (Ah, the possibilities.they make me giggle!) I don't know, she doesn't know, but there is a certain "priestess" (using the term loosely) who just might. I leave it in your ever-capable hands.