Author's Note: Yes, this is Chapter One of the newly revised "Heal Me". The others will be posted soon. To all my reviewers: Thank you so much for reviewing and having patience and mercy on me. Please continue with your support.
Chapter One: Painful Memories
The dying sun slowly dipped down into the pale red-orange horizon. A fragile breeze blew around the landscape, swaying the tall, willowy strands of grass that rose from the moist soil. A wolf howled into the coming night, its sound so achingly hollow and sorrowful. Her surroundings seemed to be reflecting the torn fibers of her heart, that thudding organ that was not long ago severely ripped apart.
"Did I do the right thing?" That question haunted her thoughts; it had stalked them for the last hour. Did she do the right thing? Her mind said one thing while her mind pulled another way. Which was she to listen to? Her bleeding heart or her piercing mind? Both produced good points. But the question she was pondered was not the factor that had created the whirlwind of surging pain inside her heart. That factor was in the form of one particular hanyou. A hanyou that could get her so confused thatshe would seem to walk in endless circles.
"Inu Yasha..." Kagome's whisper was swallowed by the shrill shriek of the night breeze. Her deep russet eyes were simply blank holes in her face as she stared out into the open field, alive with dancing evergreen weeds. Her heart was shattered for the last time. Its thin veins bursting, sprouting out blood of turmoil. Kagomehad fallen helplessly in love and she could not swim to the surface.She had known Inu Yasha would only hurt her, but love blinds even the most sensible beings. It was little things that made her hold on to the fragile hope she had left. The badly hidden glances the hanyou gave her...the rare smiles...that damn gentle glint in his golden orbs that made her melt. But of course...there was Kikyo.
There was always Kikyo.
"It's funny..." Kagome laughed bitterly, "I don't hate her...even when she holds the heart of the one I love," The girl knew she could never despise Kikyo, no matter how her soul ached. They were bonded, connected to each other by their love for the hanyou. But Kikyo had something that Kagome didn't. She had Inu Yasha's love. And Kagome was no idiot. She knew that even if Inu Yasha had chosen her, Kikyo would always be first in his heart. After all,the dead miko was the first to chip through the hanyou's icy interior and heal the gashes in his heart. Kagome often wondered if it would have made any difference if she had met Inu Yasha before Kikyo. Or would Fate simply have demanded that the solemn miko and hanyou be destined to be together?
"But thinking about that now, makes no difference. Dwelling on things already past is only making my situation worse..." Kagome shivered and wrapped her arms already her cold body. It wasn't just the chilly breeze that was causing her insides to freeze up. Why did love have to be so complicated? Why did it seem to cause more pain than happiness? Why did she have to fall down that damn well? Why did she have to fall in love with that damned hanyou!
A sob escaped from her throat.
A heart- wrenching sob that had been waiting to come up for a long time. With those 'whys' dancing across her unstable mind, the finale barriers that Kagome had built finally broke and just as water rushes from a broken dam, hot tears surged out of wide eyes filled with emotion. These tears kept pouring and she did nothing to stop them. Why should she? There was no reason not to. Kagome vaguely felt through the spasms of pain, her legs wobble and give out, sending her reeling to the hard ground. She faintly heard the worried cries and questions of the kitsune beside of her, but none of it mattered.
"Gods...it hurts. " Her body was trembling—no, shaking—with sobs and with much effort Kagome managed to curl herself into a semi-ball on the ground, desperately trying to provide some kind of comfort for herself. Incoherent thoughts were the only things her mind could produce, incoherent thoughts that made so much sense.
" I truly am pathetic...lying on the ground...reduced to hopeless tears. Gods, I even hate myself." Her hands curled into small fists, fingernails digging sharply into her skin. And suddenly, without warning, a flashback of her finale meeting with Inu Yasha pushed into her conscious-- unwillingly, she might add. And Kagome was helpless to stop it. She didn't want to see, feel the pain she had gone through, damnit! But the memory resurfaced anyway...
Numb... She felt numb... It was as if her heart couldn't feel. Comforted by this new, strange feeling of detachment, she raised her eyes to view the reaction that her decision had produced. Kagome wasn't had all surprised at what she saw. She rather expected it.
The tension in the air was so thick, so tangible; it could have been sliced clean through with a knife. Silence dominated the area. No one seemed willing to speak, so Kagome took this time to inspect each of her companion's expressions and reactions. Shock, confusion, hurt, understanding...radiated from Miroku and Sango's expressions.
She winced slightly at this. Kagome knew it was selfish to hurt her friends like this, but...she had to do it. And they understood that. The next face her gaze traveled over, made her guilt increase ten times over. Shippou appeared so young, so naïve, so hurt and confused. The girl almost swept the kitsune up into a hug right then and there. And then...there was Inu Yasha...
"What do you mean 'you're leaving', wench?" Inu Yasha glared slightly at Kagome. His reaction was also expected. An irritated, gruff question. Did the hanyou not believe her when she said she would no longer be traveling with the group? Well, he better start believing.
"I'm leaving. As in not traveling with this group anymore. Would you like another definition?" Kagome replied coldly. Inu Yasha looked startled at the frigid tone in her voice, as were the others. They had never heard Kagome snap at Inu Yasha with such coolness. Anger, yes. Cold nonchalance, no.
"So what? You expect me to care? We're probably better off without you anyway." Inu Yasha mocked, smirking at the young girl in front of him. But inside, he was frightened and confused. He didn't want Kagome to leave...Wait, why would he care! He didn't care! She was just another nuisance...right? Right. Besides, he had Kikyo. Why would he need such a stupid, annoying wench as Kagome? Conflicting emotions raged inside his heart and as they did, Inu Yasha's anger mounted.
"Well, you gonna leave or not!" Golden eyes glared and with that said, Inu Yasha left the small hut in a heated huff.
Kagome watched him go with blank eyes, small flickers of pain around the edges. She stood there in strained silence, the numbness that had been her comfort earlier melting swiftly. Her heart was starting to feel the pain of the new wounds inflicted on it just a few seconds ago. She breathed in deeply then slowly turned to the rest still in the room.
"Well, that about decides it," Kagome swallowed, then smiled sadly.
"Kagome...I..." Sango trailed off when she saw her friend shake her head.
"No, it's okay, Sango. Well, bye..." This last part was barely above a whisper. Kagome flashed one more forced smile then ran out the hut. She felt she could hold in the tears no longer. There was no more strength left in her...
"There is no more strength left in me...Poor pathetic me." Kagome laughed bitterly, in the process choking on her sobs. She wished she could block that memory. Perhaps that would make the pain a little more bearable. Yes, she was a damn optimistic to the core.
Shaking her head, she reached up to attempt to wipe the tearstains from her face.The action was a feeble attempt since tears were still rushing down. Instead, Kagome raised her crumpled body from the ground and sat, arms wrapped around her curled up legs.
"Kagome no baka," she muttered. She was a fool. A fool to fall in love with the one person who didn't love her back. Ah, the irony that love held. Unrequited love was a bitch. Whoever said that it was better to love and be hurt then to never feel love? Did loneliness sting harsher than heartbreak? Maybe so, maybe not. But right now, she might be a little biased on her opinion.
Suddenly, a wavering voice broke through Kagome's thoughts. "Kagome...?"
Startled, the sorrowful girl glanced up to see a small kitsune gazing at her with huge eyes glistening with concern and fright.
"Shippou..." Kagome gasped. Why hadn't she noticed that the kitsune had followed her? Shippou climbed into her lap and gently placed two paws on her face, lifting her gaze to meet his.
"Please...don't cry, Kagome!" He pleaded, burying his head on her shoulder. "I'll sniff kill Inu-baka for making you cry! I really will," The little kitsune cried into her clothes, his voice muffled slightly.
Kagome blinked then enveloped Shippou in a tight embrace. "Oh Shippou..." she cooed, smiling despite her pain. Her heart was swelling with happiness, even if it was just for a few seconds. At least Shippou loved her. At least she had someone.
And the two beings sat there, looking like mother and son. They sat there under a bitterly cold moon and listened as somewhere in the distance, a wolf howled and other wolves answered, sounding like echoes of the first howl. And Kagome then knew that she could – would – go on. She wouldn't give up or cave in. She would survive as long as there was life in her body.
The question was: Would her heart ever heal?
Lady Of Paranoia: Well, that was the first revised chapter. Hopefully I will be satisfied with this one more than I was of the last one. The rest of the chapters will be up soon as I mentioned earlier. Oh, and there will be no Kikyo bashing in this story despite what Kagome's flashback may have implied. Kikyo will be reflected in a positive and honest light.
Dark Fairy: I have one question: Since you changed your name, will you be changing mine? :glances suspiciously at the author:
Lady of Paranoia: Would you like me to?
Dark Fairy: No. I've grown rather attached to this name. It's mine. growls:
Lady Of Paranoia: There's no need to snap at me, hun.
Dark Fairy: mutters something incoherent: People, hurry up and review so a certain author will stop her insistent whining!