A/N: This is what happens when my unhinged and slightly twisted sense of humour is laser focused (like so many guns) on my favourite character. I present for your viewing entertainment, pure garbage masquerading as some idiots hilarious recollection of a mission.
Chapter 1: The Galaxy's worst hangover.
Zane's room was a homage to his infiltration skills. Several damaged or partially upgraded drones littered the room. Guns that looked more like torture implements hung on the wall, catagorized by type and rarity. The room was so overtaken by tools of the trade that you could almost be forgiven for missing the small bunk almost squashed into the far wall,right next to a small porthole in a way that maximized the view from such a tiny bed, if anyone ever cared to actually look out of the window.
Zane himself was not looking out of the window. He was, instead, staring at the slightly dusty floor as he came to terms with the fact he'd woken up with the galaxy's worst hangover. It was painful to even exist as he was - half hung off the bed, staring at the ground. Not for the first time in the last few minutes, he wondered if it was worth just throwing up and getting it out of his system but his Irish pride just would not let him.
He remembered some quest on Eden-6. Something about a bar? And Jabbers? The (very) bitter owner had been so thankful she'd offered him enough free drink to last him a week and - Well. Irishman. Bar.
He'd gotten absolutely smashed with Moze. Girl could hold her liquor for being the size she was. They'd come back to Sanctuary and...he must've blacked out because the next thing he knew was waking up in bed with a rager of a hangover.
Which spiked as his door was roughly slammed open and the midg- Ava - came bursting into the room. 'Vault Hunter!'
Oh Jesus, he'd rather take the Jabbers on again. Ava's voice was grating across his very soul at this point. 'Ehn.. Whazzit?' Honestly - that was pretty much all he could manage.
'You need to hide, like right now! Lilith is looking for you and she's pissed!'
'Shite!' He managed and tried to sit up which really only caused him to finally collapse off the bed and onto the dusty floor.
What had he done? He hadn't accidentally set Moxxi's on fire again, had he? Someone caught him cheating at cards? Oh god had he hit up Amara? - no. If he'd hit up Amara he'd be a pretzel right about now.
He finally managed to get his limbs under control enough to untangle them. 'What the feck did I do?'
'There's no time! You have to go somewhere - anywhere! - right now!' Ava warned as he made it, rather swayily, to his feet.
The infiltrator didn't need any further encouragement. Training kicked in, despite him being a hungover mess. Someone was looking for him and, like a jilted ex-girlfriend he had no intentions on seeing again, he was going to do everything in his power to avoid them.
He'd made it to Hammerlock's bunk before the wind left his sails and he doubled over, trying not to throw up all over the explorer's antique rug. He only noticed Fl4k sitting in one of those intimidating wingbacks when his head came up for air. It looked like he was reading 50 Shades of Gravy. The problem with Fl4k was that he had very little outward expression. Zane couldn't honestly tell if he was enjoying or disgusted by the book. 'Hey, boyo!' He greeted with far more jovility than he felt at present. 'What's happening?'
Fl4k looked up at him as a scream reverberated the length of the corridor. 'FLYNT!'
The robot waited a decent pause because he was a bloody drama queen before he looked directly at Zane's slightly green, slightly ashen face and said 'You've upset the commander.'
No shit. 'Can't imagine why, though!' Zane laughed it off, quietly. He tried to very casually saunter closer to Fl4k (possibly for hostage purposes) but it was hard to pull off when the top of your head felt like it was being screwed off with reckless abandon. 'You, uh, you seen Moze around?' Moze would surely know what the actual feck was going on. He hoped.
'Yes.' Fl4k answered instantly. Zane waited for a second before he remembered that Fl4k hadn't yet grasped all the nuances of conversation.
'Alrighty, then! Where is she?'
'She was at Marcus Munitions buying more bullets for her Iron Bear.'
'Thank you!' Zane moved for the other side of the door. Best be gone before Lilith found him and turned him into a knot, siren powers or not. 'Fl4k? If the commander happens to be by-' He could hear footsteps approaching his direction.
'I have not seen or heard from you in the last 24 hours.' The robot intoned.
'Ah, you're my favourite.' Zane smiled happily as he skipped out of the door. 'I owe you one!'
'You owe me several already.' Fl4k shot back as the door shut in his face.
'Arse.' Zane muttered. That was unfair, Fl4k was a good bloke and Zane knew it, it was just turning out to be a right day of it. And it had only just begun.
Some quick cable hopping and breathing exercises to stop him throwing up - The hell did Kay put in her drinks?! - he was around the corner and the sounds of fury were muffled.
Marcus' place was familiar to him. Hell, he'd been buying Marcus Munitions since he was a little 'un, trying to kill his older brothers - but fair's fair, they tried to kill him first.
Moze and Marcus seemed to be in deep talks over something but the second Marcus spotted Zane, he broke into the creepiest smile the merc had ever seen. 'Well, if it isn't Lothario!'
Feck, he had hit up someone last night. Was that why Lilith was so mad? He'd made some innuendo about her in-your-end-o and she hadn't appreciated it? Moze looked gleeful. He shot Marcus a glare, because everyone gets shitefaced and being raked over the coals about it was treasonous. 'Moze, can you tell me why the commander's hunting me down like a rabid skag?'
The Gunner sniggered. 'You don't remember?'
'I'm surprised you do.'
'Dude, you declared your undying love for Tannis over the tannoy and told her you'd show her a good time anytime, anywhere in the six galaxies.'
'Ah feckin SHITE!'