AU!

Thanks to CupCakeyyy and Kokoro893 for the help!

Written for Ilvermorny School of witchcraft and wizardry

House: Thunderbird

Class: Magical Theory

Task: 3. Incantation: someone learning a new language

Bonus Prompts:

8. (genre) comedy

13. (emotion) anger

Word Count: 3202/4500


Amateur at German

Every day, Remus and Sirius fought over the most inconsequential things, but the thing that most irked James was that their arguments would escalate — and they would start yelling at each other in German. Of all things, German was their go-to language, and James thought the foreign words they spat at each other sounded harsh and cruel.


James had always assumed that Sirius and Remus would never have been friends if it weren't for him. And to some extent, he was right. James was the glue that held the four boys together, but at the same time, he was wrong.

Every day, Remus and Sirius fought over the most inconsequential things, but the thing that most irked James was that their arguments would escalate — and they would start yelling at each other in German. Of all things, German was their go-to language, and James thought the foreign words they spat at each other sounded harsh and cruel.

As James listened to Sirius yell at Remus about something after Transfiguration class, he was hit with a brilliant idea. As a teenage boy, he wanted to know what type of expletives the boys used in their arguments; therefore, James decided he would learn German just to keep up with Remus and Sirius.

And he knew exactly whom he needed to go to.


"You want to learn German? And you think I should teach you?" Regulus asked cautiously, watching James tap his foot nervously across from him.

"Yeah! I'm sure you know German — you're Sirius' brother, after all — so you could teach me!" James exclaimed loudly, breaking the quiet atmosphere of the library.

"And do tell, why would I teach you? What do I get out of this?" Regulus inquired, leaning forward expectantly. He was a Slytherin, and Slytherins didn't do favours for anyone without getting something in return.

James thought for a few moments and replied, "I'll do anything you want me to. I'm not scared of anything."

Regulus smirked as thoughts of tying up the older Gryffindor and refusing to let him out of his bed ran through his mind. He cleared his throat, interrupting his daydreams, and said, "Be careful of what you speak, Potter."

"No, really, I'll do anything," James blurted out. "Please, just teach me!"

A brilliant idea formed in Regulus' mind, and he smirked deviously at James. "Oh, I'll teach you something all right. Don't you worry, Potter."

As James grinned with delight at Regulus' agreement, Regulus thought, 'Who said I'm not Sirius' brother?'


"It's your fault, Moony! Jeden Morgen wenn ich aufwache bist du das Erste, an das ich denke, und jeden Abend bevor ich zu Bett gehe flüstere ich deinen Namen!" Sirius screamed at Remus, standing only mere centimetres away from him. Their faces were red with exertion as they had been yelling at each other for the past ten minutes.

It had become their thing, romancing each other in German in front of their friends just for the fun of it. It was always hilarious to see how worked up James and Peter could get when they were in one of their 'arguing' moods.

Remus was delighted that Sirius thought of him every morning and night, and in return, he decided to tell him he was addicted to Sirius too. "Well, yeah? Ich bin süchtig nach dir — Ich brauche dich mehr und mehr jeden Tag!" Remus snarled, spit flying from his mouth.

James grimaced at their harsh tone and thought, 'Merlin, if only Regulus had taught me how to calm them down. Maybe I should ask him next time I see him. Okay, time for that German he taught me.' He cleared his throat and enunciated, "Ich begehre... die Wurst... deines Bruders."

Sirius and Remus whirled around and gawked at him with disbelief, their eyes almost popping out of their heads. "What?" they choked out in unison, their shoulders trembling as they tried to hold in their laughter.

"Didn't you hear me? I said ich begehre die Wurst deines Bruders," James repeated, thinking he was telling them to knock it off when, in fact, he was talking about craving Regulus' 'sausage.'

"Did you just say what I think you said?" Sirius asked, his face turning red with amusement.

"Yes, I told you two to knock it off," James said pompously. "Regulus is teaching me German phrases to stop you two from fighting."

Sirius and Remus shared a quick glance and nodded slowly, trying to hide their grins at the realization. After all, it would be practically illegal for the Marauders to interfere with Regulus' prank.


"Why did you pour my tea for me? Why would you do that? Ich liebe dich so sehr dafür! Du bist der Wahnsinn! Du weißt einfach, wie du mich aufmuntern kannst!" Remus snapped, and James winced, assuming he was mad at Sirius for being chivalrous. He had no idea Remus had just told Sirius he was in love with him and that he loved how Sirius could make him feel better.

"Und du weißt, wie sehr ich es liebe geküsst zu werden! Merlin, ich kann es kaum erwarten bis du mich gegen die Wand drückst und mich leidenschaftlich küsst!" Sirius cried, pointing at Remus mock-threateningly, his heart filling with excitement at the thought of being kissed by his boyfriend against the wall.

James could only make out the word 'Merlin' and 'küsst' and remembered that Regulus had taught him it meant 'to kill.' He cried out, "Küsst! Are you insane, Sirius? Dein Bruder hat den knackigsten Hintern, den ich je gesehen habe!" Unaware he had just complimented Regulus' backside instead of telling them off for fighting, James scowled at them, his hands placed on his waist like a mother hen.

Sirius and Remus immediately ran off, their shoulders shaking with suppressed laughter, and James beamed with pride at his language skills. I'm good at this.


"Okay, I know I'm getting good at this speaking thing, but I have a feeling Sirius and Remus are laughing at my pronunciation," he said to Regulus when they met up for their daily practice. He leaned back, rocking on his chair's legs, and twirled his wand in between his fingers. "Are you sure my pronunciation is correct?"

Thinking quickly, Regulus said, "Well, it's not perfect, but I'm sure they're just jealous of your quick intellect."

James hummed absentmindedly, glancing at the window. His sessions with Regulus always made him feel as if there were butterflies fluttering in his stomach, and he wondered what was wrong with him.

"You okay, Potter?"

"Huh? Yeah, I'm fine — or should I say ich warte auf deine Wurst?" James grinned, uninformed he had just told Regulus he was waiting for his 'sausage.'

Regulus couldn't help but turn his head away as a grin spread over his face. It was true that he thought Potter was ridiculously good-looking for his own good, but that didn't mean he couldn't take the time to play an elaborate prank on him. Regulus loved sausages, and he was a teenage boy too; therefore, he had combined his interests for his amusement. "We do need to work on your pronunciation. Let's start with a simple phrase. Dein Mund sieht aus, als müsste er geküsst werden. This means you don't want them to argue."

"But you used the word 'kill' in there, right? See, I'm getting good at translating this stuff." James looked so proud of his little achievement that a smile formed on Regulus' lips, and James' heart began to race in his chest. He absentmindedly thought, 'Regulus looks good when he smiles.'

"Yes, the sentence means that I don't want you to kill each other with your words," Regulus lied through his teeth, but James didn't notice. He was too busy scribbling the phrase down on a piece of parchment.

"Perfect! Dein Mund... sieht aus, als müsste... er geküsst werden," James repeated carefully.

Regulus nodded, managing to somehow keep his face straight. He couldn't help but imagine James telling him his mouth looked like it needed a good kiss and then giving it to him. He accidentally licked his lower lip, and James took immediate notice of the action.

"Good, now repeat after me: Wer ist meine flauschige Honigbiene? Die bist du, ja, die bist du!" Regulus instructed him to call him a fluffy honey-bee, managing to hide his amusement.

"What does this mean?" James asked after he had memorized the phrase.

"It means that my head hurts, yes, it does," Regulus said, pretending he hadn't just taught James a German term of endearment instead.

"Okay, wer ist meine flauschige Honigbiene? Die bist du, ja, die bist du," James repeated swiftly, getting it right in one go.

Regulus smirked.


"Ich krieg ihn nicht hoch — tut mir leid," James barked at Sirius and Remus, shoving them apart.

Remus slapped his hand over his mouth, disbelief and amusement warring in him. "Oh, Merlin, really?"

"Yes, Remus, ich krieg ihn nicht hoch — tut mir leid," James said with a scowl. "Now, stop fighting and patch things up already! Wer ist meine flauschige Honigbiene?"

"Uh, who?" Sirius asked, trying to fight his grin. Listening to James tell them he couldn't get it up and ask them about his little honey-bee was hilarious, and Sirius made a mental note to congratulate Regulus on a job well done.

"Die bist du, ja, die bist du," James cried, placing his hands on his head in exasperation.

"Okay, mate. We'll stop," Remus said, quickly herding Sirius away before his boyfriend could lose his composure and burst into peals of laughter.


"Teach me some curse words, will you?" James sat under the tree with Regulus by his side. He squinted at the younger boy and grinned. "I want to know what curses they use while they're fighting."

Regulus thought for a few moments and nodded. "Okay, let's start off with some simple curses. Get lost is Schleich dich."

James repeated the words carefully, and Regulus added in some random romantic phrases in between just to mess with him. And then…

"Hey, I heard Evans' great-grandmother was German! I heard she knows a bit of German too! I could impress her with my skills!" James exclaimed, sitting up all of a sudden.

Jealousy coursed through Regulus' veins at the thought of James flirting with Evans, and he decided to go with the Slytherin way. He quickly said, "I'll teach you a few phrases. Say bleib' bloß weg von mir, du Schlampe. That means 'come closer to me, my love.' Did you understand that?"

James nodded. "I think so… Bleib' bloß... weg von... mir, du Schlampe.."

Regulus nodded, not even ashamed of teaching James the wrong phrase. It was for James' own good, wasn't it?


"Mein pimmel wird schlaff, wenn du da bist. Du stinkst schlimmer als Scheiße. Bleib' bloß weg von mir, du Schlampe," James cooed at Lily. He thought he had told her that his heart begins to race when she's around and that she smelled very good to him. But he was sorely wrong; Regulus had taught him to say something terrible and explicit to Lily. The next thing James knew, Lily had pulled her arm back and punched him on the nose.

Now, getting punched by Lily wasn't a new thing for him, and neither was the murderous glint in her eyes, so James wasn't aware of what he had said wrong. But Sirius and Remus knew. They glanced at each other and silently pondered over their next course of action. Should they or should they not tell James what he had just said to Lily?

In the end, they decided to give him a little push in the right direction. They didn't want to ruin Regulus' prank, but they didn't want James to get hurt in the process either.

When Remus suggested he read some more German phrases from the books in the library, James didn't want to agree. But when Sirius pointed out how proud Regulus would be of his student, he immediately accepted the suggestion. James didn't know it then, but Sirius and Remus were already aware of their friend's tentative crush on Regulus.


There was no mention of Schlampe in the German terms of endearments listed in the book, and James frowned. Maybe Reggie taught me a modern word for love. But when he looked through the animals listed, he realized he was wrong. Regulus hadn't taught him a new word; he had taught him the wrong word.

Maybe it was an honest mistake. Maybe the words sound alike. James flipped through the pages as he looked for any words he could recognize. He found the word 'kill' but was stunned that it wasn't küsst; he wondered how many other mistakes Regulus had made. He just couldn't imagine Regulus playing a prank on him.

As he turned the pages and found more and more recognizable words, his shoulders slumped as the realization hit him hard. Regulus duped me.

He stared at the book without blinking, hurt and disbelief causing his head to ache. He stood up and went to check out the book. Madam Pince looked at him suspiciously when she saw which book he had, but he didn't say anything, too stunned by what he had found out. He clutched the book to his chest as he walked the rest of the way to the Gryffindor common room.

Once he was inside, he found Sirius and Remus lying on the couch together near the fireplace. He didn't realize they were cuddling and sprawled on top of them, his arms extended out on his sides.

"Oof! Gerroff, Prongs! Merlin, you're heavy!" Sirius wailed, trying to shove him off of them, but James was too depressed to move.

"Hey, what's wrong?" Remus managed to extract himself from their pile and frowned at James. "You okay?"

"No, I'm not okay. Does bald will ich den PImmel deines Bruders even mean that I feel great?" James asked sadly. He judged by the amused looks on both their faces that it didn't. "That's what's wrong. Why would Reggie do this to me? I thought we were friends!"

"Er ist zu naiv, oder?" Sirius asked Remus, ignoring James' affronted look. "Was sollen wir jetzt machen?"

"Vielleicht können wir sie verkuppeln," Remus suggested thoughtfully. If they taught James something to say to Regulus, they might be able to get them to date. That way, Sirius and Remus would be free to come out as a couple.

"Great idea, Moony! Liebe dich!" Sirius grinned and turned to James. "You need to talk to Regulus, but you need to learn a few choice phrases before you can do that."

"Repeat after me," Remus instructed. "Ich weiß nicht, was mit mir passiert, aber dein Bruder weiß, dass ich in dich verknallt bin. Und dass du in ihn verknallt bist."

"What does that mean?" James squinted as he picked up the book he had borrowed from the library. He hadn't meant to sound so paranoid, but he wanted to be sure he wasn't going to make an arse of himself.

Sirius plucked the book from his hand and said, "We're teaching you modern slang. Basically, the sentence means that you know the truth and want Reg to confess. More or less."

James nodded and repeated the sentence slowly. "Teach me how to say 'you're an arse, and I never want to see you again.' I want him to know how badly he hurt me."

"Ich will dich nie —" Sirius started but was interrupted by James.

"Wait! You can't teach me that! I was lying, alright? I can't not see him again," James grumbled, crossing his arms over his chest petulantly. "Your brother is kind of…"

"An imbecile? A twit? An arse?" Remus suggested.

"Good-looking? Hot? Gorgeous just like me?" Sirius asked hopefully, trying to make James see the truth.

"I was going for 'always there', but he does have a gorgeous arse," James blurted out. He cried, "I meant he is a gorgeous arse! Has! No, is! An arse! He's not gorgeous — but he's not ugly! He's okay to look at, I mean... But he's definitely an arse."

Sirius and Remus snickered at his panic and patted his arm gently. They knew how difficult it was to come to terms with the fact that they might be interested in the same sex more than the other. Fortunately for them, Sirius and Remus had had each other to rely upon, but James might have thought he was in it alone.

"Let's start off simple," Remus said as they began teaching him.


"Ich bin ein Idiot, was meine Gefühle angeht, aber dein Bruder weiß, dass ich in dich verknallt bin. Und du bist in mich verknallt," James said calmly, staring straight into Regulus' eyes. He was trying to intimidate him, and when he noticed the panicked look in Regulus' eyes, he knew Sirius and Remus had taught him the right phrases. "Well, confess already!"

Regulus took a deep breath in and said, "I don't know what you're talking about, Potter. Your pronunciation is atrocious."

"No, it's not!"

"Yes, it is. I can't understand a word you're saying."

"You taught me the wrong words! Admit it!" James demanded, grabbing Regulus by his collar and yanking him towards him. "Say it!"

Thinking clearly with James inches from his face was a Herculean task for him, and Regulus lost his composure. "Ich brauche dich. Ich bin am glücklichsten, wenn ich bei dir bin."

Unable to translate most of what he had just said, James thought Regulus meant he was happy he had made fun of James. He cried, "Why? I can understand a prank, but you made me say the wrong thing to Evans! Why would you do that? That's not funny! I hurt her feelings!"

"I was jealous, alright?" Regulus barked, fisting his hands by his sides. He glared up at James and said, "You happy now? Ich will dich — und du willst Evans!"

James understood that clearly. A Lumos went off in his head, and he was able to see his previous interactions with the black-haired Slytherin in a new light. All he could think was: 'Merlin, I'm an idiot. I thought I liked Lily, but those feelings are nothing compared to how I feel about this smartass.'

"You were jealous? Of Lily? Really? Wow," James whispered, still holding Regulus by his collar. When he realized their position, his first instinct was to jump away and stammer out an apology, but he shoved that instinct away and focused on the second: the instinct that demanded him to press his lips against Regulus' and see what happened.

"You're... not a bad-looking bloke," Regulus muttered, embarrassed beyond belief at revealing his crush. He kept the comments about how much he wanted James to himself though, not wanting to scare the older boy into running away from him like a headless chicken. Not that chickens could run if they were headless, but… His inner ramblings were interrupted by James.

"Not a bad-looking bloke? I don't think that's what you think of me, Reggie," James teased, pulling him flush against his body. "Tell me… in explicit detail, by the way… what you really think of me. And I'll show you how I feel about you."

And as Regulus bravely started whispering his dirty fantasies in James' ear, James realized he would love to hear that in German. After all, it was the language that had brought them together. German would hold a special place in his heart — right alongside Regulus Black.


Translations:

Jeden Morgen wenn ich aufwache bist du das Erste, an das ich denke, und jeden Abend bevor ich zu Bett gehe flüstere ich deinen Namen: Every morning when I wake up you are the first thing I think of and every night before I go to bed I whisper your name

Ich bin süchtig nach dir - Ich brauche dich mehr und mehr jeden Tag: I'm addicted to you — I need you more and more every day.

Ich begehre die Wurst deines Bruders: I want your brother's sausage.

Ich liebe dich so sehr dafür! Du bist der Wahnsinn! Du weißt einfach, wie du mich aufmuntern kannst: I love you so much for that! You're amazing! You know how to cheer me up.

Und du weißt, wie sehr ich es liebe geküsst zu werden! Merlin, ich kann es kaum erwarten bis du mich gegen die Wand drückst und mich leidenschaftlich küsst: And you know how I love to be kissed! Merlin, I can't wait until you push me against the wall and kiss me passionately.

Dein Bruder hat den knackigsten Hintern, den ich je gesehen habe: Your brother has the sexiest butt I've ever seen.

ich warte auf deine Wurst: I'm waiting for your sausage.

Dein Mund sieht aus, als müsste er geküsst werden: Your mouth looks like it needs to be kissed.

Wer ist meine flauschige Honigbiene? Die bist du, ja, die bist du: Who's my fluffy honey-bee? You are, yes, you are!

Ich krieg ihn nicht hoch — tut mir leid: I can't get it up — I'm sorry.

bleib' bloß weg von mir, du Schlampe: Just stay away from me, you bitch.

Mein pimmel wird schlaff, wenn du da bist. Du stinkst schlimmer als Scheiße. Bleib' bloß weg von mir, du Schlampe: (too crude and vulgar)

bald will ich den pimmel deines Bruders: (too crude)

Er ist zu naiv, oder? Was sollen wir jetzt machen: He's too naive, right? What should we do now?

Vielleicht können wir sie verkuppeln: Maybe we can pair them up

Liebe dich!: Love ya!

Ich bin ein Idiot, was meine Gefühle angeht, aber dein Bruder weiß, dass ich in dich verknallt bin. Und du bist in mich verknallt.: I'm an idiot about my feelings, but your brother knows I have a crush on you. And you have a crush on me.

Ich will dich — : I never want —

Ich brauche dich. Ich bin am glücklichsten, wenn ich bei dir bin: I need you. I'm happiest when I'm with you.

Ich will dich — und du willst Evans: I want you — and you want Evans!