His eyes burn into me with impassioned desire as his hands wander the contours of my trembling body. I shift restlessly beneath him, "Jacob," I whine, arching into him.
"You're so impatient," he growls in my ear. The hotness of his breath tickles my neck and causes me to quiver.
"I want you," I confess and gasp when his hand makes a beeline from my waist to my breast, pressing his large palm into my flesh. A moan escapes my lips.
"You want this?" he asks, darkly. His hand making the journey from my breast, gliding down my arm and taking my hand into his. He pulls my palm to his denim-clad groin.
I gasp… and that's when I wake up.
I lift my head, taking in my surroundings and then groan. The pillow makes a distinct 'pufft' sound as my head falls back against it. I inhale deeply. It was just a dream. They're getting worse… or better. It depends on your perspective.
December 31st, 2015
I smell a fire burning in the fireplace downstairs. The chalet we rented in the ski resort in Whistler to celebrate the new year is big. Big enough for all the wolves and their imprints. It's gorgeous; completely comprised of logs with floor to ceiling windows. The main room is cozy with a big stone fireplace with lots of seating around it and a shag rug.
I stretch out on the kingsize bed that I will be sharing with Rachel and Claire and look at the window. It's dark. The moon is large in the sky, surrounded by a collection of stars. I pick up my phone and inhale a breath of relief. It's only 11:31 PM. I didn't miss it. I frown. Though, Jacob was supposed to wake me at 11:00 PM.
I roll out of bed and pull my hair up in a bun but then I catch a glimpse of myself in the mirror. Oh, god! I take my hair back down and manically comb my fingers through the curls, attempting to fix a day's worth of wool hats and snowboarding tumbles.
Jake spent his entire day trying to teach me tricks to stay upright. To be honest, I may have been a better student if I wasn't so mesmerized by his eyes… and his smile… and the way he would hold me from behind as he attempted to impart some wisdom of technique which was evidently lost on me… or maybe I rather liked all the attention and wasn't planning on learning the sport anyhow.
By the time we got back to the chalet, I was so exhausted that I decided to take a nap. I'm surprised that I could sleep. All day I have had one thing and only one thing on my mind. Midnight. That is when I plan to make my move. When New Year's Eve transitions to New Years Day, I will finally kiss Jacob.
I decided yesterday.
Early yesterday morning, while we were packing the SUV that we rented for the trip, he told me to hold still while he carefully lifted an eyelash from my cheek. I don't know if he knew what an intimate moment that was for me. When his thumb made contact with my face, I felt electricity. I hoped that he would kiss me right there in that moment. But he didn't.
It's always been like this between us. For the longest time, I pushed for more from him. For him to hold my hand or wrap an arm around me or allow me to sit on his lap. He never caved. I was always too young for such affections from someone his age. This won't be the first time that I tried to kiss him.
I had misread a signal. I was… I guess, physically about 15… Anyways, Jacob and I got caught out in the rain on his motorbike. So he brought me back to his place. He was towelling off my hair playfully and then there was this moment. I don't know what it was. He just stopped and stared at me. I guess I thought it was more of a moment than it really was because when I leaned in to kiss him, he quickly dodged me.
I was mortified. Got out of there right away. I didn't speak to him for probably a week. My father, who immediately knew what had happened due to his telepathic gifts, was kind enough not to talk about it or reveal to my family what had happened.
But that was it. From that moment on I decided that I would keep my hands and lips to myself. And I have. I fully matured about two years ago and we have been nothing more than friends. Amazing friends.
Still… The entire 7hr drive to Whistler, I felt like my stomach was full to the brim with butterflies. Everything about being in that car with him made me giddy. The way his large hands gripped the steering wheel; appropriately at the 10 and 2 o'clock position. When we decided to stop for breakfast, he parked in reverse; the way he extended his arm behind my seat while he backed into the spot. Even how he complained about other drivers 'just pass already or get off my ass' … 'pick a lane' … 'how'd this moron get a licence?'.
I want him so bad it hurts.
I do my best to make my hair presentable and then exit the bedroom. I can hear lots of chatter and laughter coming from downstairs. I guess the party has already started.
The chalet has four bedrooms upstairs and two downstairs. The owner nailed chalkboards on each door so that guests can keep track of who is where.
Last night when we were deciding who would sleep where an argument broke out. Due to the set-up of each room and the nature of relationships, it became clear that one couple would need to forfeit sleeping in the same bed together and one person would have to make due on the couch.
Quil volunteered to stay on the couch as it was obvious that 12-year-old Claire would not be rooming with him.
One of the rooms downstairs had two bunk beds which Seth, Embry, Brady and Collin volunteered to take.
Emily and Sam claimed a room for themselves, using their alpha status. Slick.
That left four rooms. Three with queen size beds. One with a king-size bed.
Claire and I would obviously room together but that would leave Jacob without a bed. So the couples competed in a high-stakes game of Rock, Paper Scissors to decide who would be bunking apart. Paul lost.
So Rachel is rooming with Claire and me in the king-size bed and Jacob is unfortunately stuck rooming with his brother-in-law, Paul.
Leah was really nervous that she would lose and not get to spend alone time with her new boyfriend, Roger. Yeah! Leah imprinted. It was wild. Roger Littlesea… Collin's older brother. Collin took it pretty hard. He's been pining after Leah since forever and then his big brother comes home last summer after four years at college and two years abroad and Leah falls head over heels. He thought she was adorable and the two have been inseparable. It kind of makes me a little bit jealous.
I wish I would have met Jacob as I am now. Years of rejection because of my age has made me reluctant to tell him how I feel. Though, I am plenty old enough now, he's the perfect gentleman. Never pushing for a romantic kind of relationship and I don't understand why. It seems like the other wolves would move heaven and earth to be with their loves. I sometimes wonder if there is something wrong with me. Like there is something mysterious that the other imprints have that I don't. Something that makes them more loveable. Something that makes them worthy to be pursued.
I look over the main room from the loft and see the group sitting around the fire playing a card game loudly. They're all cracking up pretty hard. I observe a collection of red solo cups. I guess the part is in full effect. I come downstairs.
"Where's Jacob?" I ask but none of them seem to hear me, "has anyone seen Jake?" I ask again.
"Oh, he went out to get firewood," Leah says, shuffling through her cards, leaning back against Roger who is casually removing pieces of snowflake-shaped glitter from her hair that Seth had thrown at her earlier as a joke. Leah didn't find it funny and threw him off the balcony, into a snowbank.
I look to the door and see the front porch light is on. I slide on my boots and put on my coat. When I open the door and chill blows in and I hear all the ladies shout, "close the door!"
"Sorry!" I quickly make my way outside, closing the door. It's windy. A small snowdrift has formed against the chalet just from the wind pushing it around.
"Hi," Jacob says warmly with a big smile. I blush, remembering that salacious dream I just had of him only moments ago. He is sorting out piles of firewood on the porch in jeans and a hoodie. That's all he needs to protect himself from the elements thanks to his wolf's blood. He and all of the pack wolves run very high body temperatures.
"You were supposed to wake me up, Jakers," I smile back at the 6'7" tall man, calling him by the fun nickname I made up when I was a kid.
He pulls out his phone from his back pocket and shakes his head, "sorry, love. Lost track of time."
Love. I adore how he started calling me that… I wish I knew what it meant... If it means anything at all.
"It's fine. Didn't miss anything yet. Can I help?" I ask.
"I'm done here. If you can get the door, that'd be great," he says lifting a large pile up into his arms.
"Sure," I reply and hold the door open for him. Another chill blows into the chalet and all of the women begin to complain again.
"Sorry, ladies," Jake replies, hurrying to get the wood into the house. I close the door behind him once the piles are in the door and then help him deposit them in the large wood chests next to the fireplace. "That should be enough to get us through the night," Jacob dusts off his hands and then helps me take my coat off, "you look nice," Jacob says, complimenting my outfit.
"Oh. Um, thanks," I blush. I'm wearing a long-sleeved gold sequin crop top with high-waisted black pants. I feel overdressed. Everyone else is wearing jeans and sweaters. That's what I get for allowing Rose to help me figure out a New Year's Eve outfit.
"what'd I miss?" Jake asks the group as he hangs my coat up for me.
"Oh, you didn't miss much," Leah smirks, "I just wiped the floor with Embry," she chuckles.
"You cheated," he grumbles, collecting playing cards and putting them back in the box.
Leah sticks her tongue out at Embry and then looks at her phone, "we're getting close to midnight. Ness, come help me get the champagne and glasses."
"Sure," I reply and give Jacob a smile before leaving the room to help Leah in the kitchen.
"You've been quiet all day," Leah says, going into the fridge and lining bottles of sparkling wine up on the counter.
"Have I?" I ask, feeling like I am about to be interrogated, "Roger seems nice," I try to divert the subject.
"He's very nice. But we're not talking about Roger. We're talking about you…" she says, pointing to a box behind me.
I turn around and bring the box to the counter and start pulling out champagne flutes, "why are we talking about me?" I feel nervous.
"Nessie, come on. No one is that bad at snowboarding," she grins, "particularly not someone with superhuman reflexes. You were kind of obvious."
"Obvious to Jacob?" I swallow.
"Ha. Of course not. He's oblivious. Nessie, boys are dumb," Leah replies matter-of-factly.
I smile at her.
So… are you going to do it?" she asks me as she expertly pops a bottle, catching the cork in her hand.
"Aren't we supposed to wait till midnight?" I ask as she starts opening bottles.
"No way am I letting twelves corks fly around this place. The damages will cost a fortune. Stop trying to distract me. Are you going to do it?" Leah asks, corking more bottles.
"Do what?" I sigh as though I don't know what she is talking about.
"Kiss him at midnight," she rolls her eyes.
"Maybe," I can't help but smile.
"Good," she says as though she knows something I don't.
"Good? What does that mean?" I ask but she just smiles at me and starts pouring glasses, "Leah … Come on. What does that mean?"
"Everyone get their glass!" Leah shouts, ignoring my inquiries. The kitchen begins to fill up as everyone claims a glass and I lose my opportunity to get to the bottom of what Leah meant by that.
"Even me?" Claire asks. The young imprint is only 12.
"Oh, hun," I say wrapping my arm around her, "I've got a special New Year's Eve drink for you," I take her aside, grabbing a bottle of the champaign and two glasses, "go get the orange juice from the fridge."
"Okay," Claire says, grabbing the carton of orange juice from the fridge and comes back to me.
"Ever have a mimosa?" I ask her.
"Nope," she perches on a stool where I am bartending.
"It's really easy to make, you just add a splash of the bubbles," I explain putting a smidge of champagne in the glass, "and then you add some OJ," I follow up, filling the glass to the brim with juice, "and voila. A cocktail."
"Oh," she looks disappointed. I am clearly not fooling the 12-year-old.
I look up to see Jacob smiling at me from across the kitchen. I give him a little shrug and look back to Claire. He quickly makes his way over.
"Oh thank god, I thought I'd have to drink Champagne," he says, making a face, "what are you making?" he asks, sounding really interested.
"It's called a mimosa," Claire says.
"I'm having one too," I reply, "do you want one?" I ask him.
"I'd love one," he replies and leans his arms forward on the counter.
Claire seems satisfied that she is not the only one having the less alcoholic drink and takes her glass over to Quil when he summons her to the T.V to watch the firework shows around the world.
"How much champagne do you want, Jakers?" I ask, tilting the bottle.
"Half the glass if fine, love," he says, watching me make the drink, "any new year's resolutions?"
Make you mine.
"I dunno," I reply, feeling my stomach flip at the thought of my true wish, "the usual, get in shape, learn a different language?" I offer.
"Get in shape?" he laughs, "you're already perfect," he says as though I have suggested the most ridiculous thing in the world.
"Okay," I mutter sarcastically but feel light knowing that he thinks that, "and you?" I ask, handing him his glass and then start on making mine.
"You already know," he replies, looking into my eyes for recognition. My throat suddenly feels dry.
"I do?" I ask nervously. I swallow. Butterflies just pounding against the walls of my stomach.
"The shop?" he raises his brows.
"Oh, of course," I nod my head, "the shop."
Jacob and Billy are opening a garage. Part of the business will be fixing vehicles locally and the other part of the business is salvaging old motorbikes and selling them for a profit. Jacob has the mechanical skill. Billy is going to be taking care of the business side. Billy has already purchased several bikes for next to nothing that Jake thinks he can make a few thousand dollars on. I love listening to him talk about his plans for the business. The way he gets excited about it is cute.
I hold up my glass, "to your shop," I smile.
He smiles back, lightly clinking his glass to mine, "to your unnecessary workout regime and learning German or whatever," he smirks and sips with me, "shall we?" he offers an arm and nods to the living room where everyone has gathered. I can hear that they're already starting to count down from 20.
20, 19, 18, 17, 16
I take his arm and walk with him to the living room. My heart is pounding in my chest and I feel hot and tingly. I am so nervous. I am so nervous to do this. But even more nervous that I'll chicken out. I take a sip of my drink hoping that the little bit of champagne in the mimosa will give me courage.
15, 14, 13, 12, 11
My heart is pounding even harder. My palms are sweaty... Mom's spaghetti. No, Nessie! Now is not the time for Eminem jokes.
10, 9, 8
I feel self-conscious. Like everyone is aware of me. That is dumb. I glance around the room. No one is paying attention to me at all. They're all getting ready to kiss their mate and the single guys are getting ready to do shots. I am the least interesting person in the room. He's so tall. I can't do this. I'll never reach him. Oh well… maybe next year.
7, 6, 5
Jacob sits down on the arm of the couch. Crap. Height is no longer an obstacle. I am suddenly very aware of the texture of my lips. Are they too dry? Should I have moisturized them? I should have had a mint earlier… I look to Jacob and he smiles warmly back at me. Here goes everything…
4, 3, 2, 1
The room erupts with shouting and cheering and wishes of a happy new year. The couples all kiss. The single boys do shots. Before I lose my nerve I lean in to kiss Jacob.
Jake's hands quickly grab onto my upper arms, stopping me; holding me away from him. His glass drops and shatters on the floor. The room goes silent and I feel a dozen sets of eyes on me. The second time I tried to kiss him. The second time he's dodged my kiss. Everyone is staring now. My face and my whole body is hot and numb. My heart is pounding in my ears.
Jake's face looks stunned.
I glance around at all the eyes on me. Looking at me like I'm an idiot.
I can't. I quickly pull away and run up the stairs.
"Renesmee!" Jacob calls after me.
"Go after her, idiot!" I hear Leah scold.
I slam the bedroom door shut. I inhale a long shaky breath and lean my back against the door, relieved to be no longer in view of any living soul.
I slide down to the floor. Oh god. Oh god. Oh god. I'm mortified. Did that really just happen? I'm so stupid. So, so, so stupid. Hot tears sting my eyes. I shouldn't have tried to kiss him again. I feel so stupid. It's just like last time but even worse. Everyone saw. I don't know why I do this to myself. I was right before. There is something different about me. Something is wrong with me. He doesn't want me. Not like how Paul wants Rachel or Sam wants Emily or Leah wants Roger.
I startle when I hear a soft knocking on the door behind me.
"Nessie?" Jacob whispers, "can we talk?"
"I'm going to bed now. Goodnight," I reply, trying not to let my voice give away how upset I am.
"Please?" he whispers.
"Goodnight, Jacob," I get up from the floor, throw myself onto the bed and pull a pillow over my head.
What an awful start to the new year.